Social Question

Akame009's avatar

Is it normal for guys to just go with the flow?

Asked by Akame009 (200points) 1 week ago

I have been with my boyfriend since freshman year of high school and am now a freshman in college. In 2 months we will have been together for five years. I want to get an apartment near my college and live with him as I am ready for that next step. Yesterday, I realized I have been pushy about it and never really asked what he wanted. So, I admitted that I was wrong, apologized, and asked what he wanted. All he said was, and I quote, “I do not know hun I have not thought about it. Okay? I just went with it.” I asked him to think on it because I want him to want to live with me and not just do it because I asked. So, is it normal for guys to just go with the flow and not express that they care after 5 years? What was it like when you moved in with your other half?

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18 Answers

kritiper's avatar

That does sound pretty normal. Everything was cool the way it was and now you upped the ante and he has to think it over and decide what it means. Maybe you better let it alone for now and see if he gets back to you. Wait a month before polite, minor probing.

Dutchess_lll's avatar

Well. Back off. Be unavailable. See what changes

MrGrimm888's avatar

Yes. Guys assume things are fine, as long as they keep up a routine. Moving in together, WILL change your relationship. For better, or worse. Keep that in mind, as well.
I wouldn’t “hen peck” him about it. That could become nagging, and that’s one thing, most men don’t like. Which would obviously be counter productive.

MrGrimm888's avatar

Dutch. That strategy, could easily drive him away. It certainly would drive me away. I’d assume she lost interest, or is cheating on me, and move on. Making her goal impossible. Playing games, is NOT the way to do things, in a relationship. Most men prefer stability. Games may make her man perceive her, as a unwanted, unpredictable, variable. Something he’s better off without…

josie's avatar

It sure is easier than going against the flow

cookieman's avatar

Either he’s just an easy going guy who trusts your judgement (good) or this is not the first time you’ve been pushy and selfish and he chooses the path of least resistance to keep you happy as a relationship strategy (bad).

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

Guys pick their battles and will gladly surrender mountains of trivial things in order to go after the few things that matter to them when the cohabitation negotiations begin.

SmashTheState's avatar

Archetypally, the male is about forward motion and problem-solving. The male mode of thinking is logical and procedural, A -> B -> C -> D all in a straight line to a desired goal. It typically involves exchanges: I take this and pay that. It is definitely not “going with the flow.” If anything it’s the precise opposite.

The female mode, on the other hand, is characterized by what the Taoists call wei wu wei, literally translated as action no-action. It means passivity within one’s own nature, so that while the body may be very active, the mind is passive and watching. It is based on deeper forms of connection than formal logic, typically intuitive in nature, involving jumping from A -> D without intermediary steps using unconscious pattern-recognition and analysis. As you can see, this is almost literally what’s meant by “going with the flow,” and indeed the Tao Te Ching often compares this mode of being to the behaviour of water.

Now, male and female have nothing to do with genitalia. We all contain both male and female (the Anima being the female-in-the-male and the Animus being the male-in-the-female). But culturally, we have a bias for training those with wombs to adopt the female nature and those who plant the seed to adopt the male nature. As a result, most men tend to think in male thought patterns.

In most successful relationships, one person adopts the male role and the other the female role. It may be, given your description, that you serve the male role in the relationship, moving it in a desired direction, while your boyfriend is content to serve the female, flowing like water and bending like a young sapling under pressure. If this is the case, he may be quite content to allow you to steer, watching passively and enjoying the ride.

In answer to your question, no, it’s not typical for men to “go with the flow.” Not in our culture, anyway.

raum's avatar

@SmashTheState Even if I’m not sure whether I agree or disagree, I appreciated reading your thoughts in this. Interesting take on the subject.

Dutchess_III's avatar

It’s just the opposite in my marriage @SmashTheState. Exactly the opposite.

raum's avatar

There is no opposite to what SmashTheState said. He presents his model for both biological genders.

Guess you could disagree with his model entirely. Just not sure there’s an opposite.

Zaku's avatar

Yeah, I think it is “normal” at least for many people. (“Normal” itself is a trap word, but that’s another topic.) Especially at that age, and just out of high school, many are used to having limited say in what’s done, and doing little planning. Also in my own experience, it generally seems like the women in my life have thought and cared far more than I have about living arrangements, and I usually let them do their thing about that and don’t think very much about it, or at least not very pro-actively. Also, when the woman in my life cares a lot about something, I tend to try to support whatever that is as long as it works ok for me. But learning what does work and what I really wanted took a looong time, especially when in this mode of just yielding agency on such issues and not thinking much about it from my own independent perspective.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@raumArchetypally, the male is about forward motion and problem-solving. ” In my marriage I am the logical problem solver. Rick gets too emotional about stuff.

“The female mode, on the other hand, is characterized by what the Taoists call wei wu wei, literally translated as action no-action. ” This describes Rick and not me. He can’t make a decision to spare his life. I think, growing up, he had too many really horrible consequences when he made a bad decision and now he’s afraid to make any decision.

kritiper's avatar

It may depend entirely on who wears the pants in the relationship.

raum's avatar

Now, male and female have nothing to do with genitalia. We all contain both male and female (the Anima being the female-in-the-male and the Animus being the male-in-the-female).

In most successful relationships, one person adopts the male role and the other the female role. It may be, given your description, that you serve the male role in the relationship, moving it in a desired direction, while your boyfriend is content to serve the female.

Your relationship fits within the framework that @SmashTheState outlined. It may be opposite of cultural norms. But it’s not the opposite of what he said. He literally said that the opposite of the cultural norm also exists.

You can argue that your relationship doesn’t fit into this duality. But disagreeing with something doesn’t necessarily make it the opposite of something.

Dutchess_lll's avatar

So why even lable particular behaviors as “male” or “female”?

SmashTheState's avatar

The human mind works by creating dichotomies: hot and cold, light and dark, good and evil, male and female, and so on. The last chapter of the Tao Te Ching says, “True words sound paradoxical.” This is a direct result of our need to create these false dichotomies, as the truth is there is no dichotomy, just a Oneness we have divided in order to make comparisons for our brains to handle.

To quote noted physicist Niels Bohr, “The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.”

In other words, male and female are illusions: they’re just opposite ends of the same spectrum. But in order for us to make sense of this spectrum, we create the dichotomy.

Being able to resolve this dichotomy and merge male and female into a single unity is the goal of a rather large number of religions, philosophies, models, and paradigms. This is referred to as manifesting the Rebis, and is an exceedingly advanced spiritual, shamanic skill.

Dutchess_lll's avatar

Thank you. Very interesting @Smash.

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