General Question

aneedleinthehayy's avatar

Are crazy people crazy forever?

Asked by aneedleinthehayy (1198points) August 29th, 2008

I dated this boy for a few weeks about half a year ago and he turned out to be kinda crazy. Like, after I broke up with him (due to being smothered and pestered by unwanted ‘i love yous’ and a tendency to become an asshole when sexually intimate) he threatened to kill himself and did a lot of immature, cruel shit to me. Now, I’ve recently gotten back in touch with him, remebering why I liked him in the first place (great sense of humor, weird, adorably socially awkward, etc) and he doesn’t seem to be showing any signs of craziness. But he also didnt seem crazy in the beginning of the first time around. Is it possible, though, that he’s changed and isn’t crazy? Or once a crazy always a crazy? Help. I would like to have some thoughts on this before I get in too deep.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

49 Answers

windex's avatar

unwanted ‘i love yous’ [sic]

Wow! just wow! I just hope you realize how much he loves you and love him back even more, instead of calling him crazy.

not an attack

aneedleinthehayy's avatar

@windex, what makes you say he loves me so much, hm? I’m curious.

windex's avatar

well, I “think” (of course I could be wrong since I’m only human) but I believe that the average person shows another human being how much he/she loves her/him by:
displaying emotions, buying Gifts, doing whatever it takes to make the other person happy and by Saying “I LOVE YOU”

But that’s just me. I just don’t understand why you’d say he is crazy. Yes maybe crazy about you.

Love is ALL, nothing else matters!!!

augustlan's avatar

I don’t know about the crazy part, but being a smotherer, and unwanted “I love you” giver…I’m gonna’ have to say that doesn’t change.

augustlan's avatar

Crazy love is NOT healthy love.

aneedleinthehayy's avatar

@windex, he threatened to kill himself. Who in their right mind does that?

AstroChuck's avatar

I’ve always been crazy, as far back as I can remember. I’ll be crazy on my death bed as well. After that, who knows?

windex's avatar

oops, must’ve overlooked that one.

Did he say something like “I don’t want to live without you, I love you”

or “I am cutting my wrist as we speak, go get me a big mac and lets make out”

iJimmy's avatar

Sounds like he may be bipolar (among other things). And that never goes away. But you can controll it with medication.

aneedleinthehayy's avatar

@windex and cheeb, lol no.
@iJim, can people get tested for that to get on medication? How would one go about doing that?

lovelyy's avatar

If you’re thinking about getting back together with him, just remember why you guys ended.

rss's avatar

You guys were only dating a few WEEKS and he became obsessive and controlling? If you are going to start a new relationship with him you need to be 1. completely up front with him about why it didn’t work the first time 2. he must be willing to take it slow this time and/or see a therapist if there is something really wrong and 3. you have to be willing to support him if he starts going haywire again – breaking up with him isn’t going to make him better.

Unless you are both willing to admit that his behavior is inappropriate and then work on it, I don’t see the point of trying a relationship again.

iJimmy's avatar

He would have to see a psychiatrist to get diagnosed.

loser's avatar

I find that doing the same things and expecting different results is pretty much crazy in itself.

aneedleinthehayy's avatar

@loser, haha! That is the definition of insanity. Well, fuck.
@everyone else, thanks. You’re answers are great. :)

stratman37's avatar

@windex: yeah, I’ve never heard of unwanted “I love yous”. I was once insecure about a relationship and needed to hear “I love you” whenever I said it. Although, it is generally accepted that if you both do love each other, getting an “I love you” in return is not so much to ask, unless he’s going too fast for you. Either way, communicate, communicate, communicate!

cody1717's avatar

if he went crazy once, i wouldn’t chance it to happen again!

Judi's avatar

Mental illness can be treated, but rarely cured, at least at this point in history.

sarapnsc's avatar

There’s a difference between love and obsession. Healthy love doesn’t react the way this guy did…sounds more like obsession, insecurity and mental instability.

iJimmy made a statement about him maybe being bipolar that sounds right…combination of mania & depression. But, who knows, except for a qualified therapist.

I don’t understand why you would want to be in a relationship with somone who has shown mental instability and was abusive to you in the past. ??????

I would tread carefully before, dashing into another disastrous relationship with him. The next outcome, you may not be so lucky. Not meaning to scare you or anything…but I would proceed with caution.

cyndyh's avatar

Life’s too short to welcome abusive relationships.

wundayatta's avatar

Bipolar folks can be treated (drugs and therapy) and can lead ordinary-appearing lives, hold down jobs, be parents, and do creative stuff. It is said that bipolar folks are more often highly creative, but I’ve seen no evidence on that one.

Even if it’s not a diagnosable mental illness, people can learn under the proper conditions. You can be honest up front what you didn’t like, and see if you can negotiate changes in behavior for the stuff you call crazy. You do have to be specific about the behaviors, though, and that can be tough. Counselling can also help here.

But I seriously disagree with people who advise you to stay away from crazy people. We’re people, too, and often need an astonishing amount of love before we can feel ok about ourselves. We do stuff that doesn’t make sense to you (which is why you call us crazy), such as when we really want love, we push you away with all our might. The thinking that explains this is that if you really do love us, you’ll be steadfast in the face of all our self-hate.

It ain’t easy, though. Ask my wife. It’ll make you insecure because you won’t know when it’s really him, and when it’s the crazy him who kicks in. You’ll remember what he did when he was sick, and throw it back in his face when he’s well (well, I hope not, but it can be hard to resist). He’ll say horrible things about you when he’s sick (if he is), and then when he’s well, explain how he doesn’t mean it now, even though he meant it when he was sick.

It’s like being with two people. Very confusing for both in the relationship. Of course, being crazy, I want to stand up for my people and say you should risk it, even if it is really tough. But truly, I do understand the people who say stay away. I’d stay away from myself if I could. Oh, that’s the other possible thing. If depression is part of his thing, there will be times, most likely, when he wants to kill himself, for exactly that reason. The only way to get away from yourself is to kill yourself. And sometimes it seems like you just can’t take yourself any more, and it’ll never stop being like that.

And people wonder why we have no sense of self-worth, and hate ourselves! Of course we’re crazy! That explains it all!

If I seem a little bitter, it’s because I am. There’s a lot of stigma that comes with mentall illness. You can lose family, jobs, friends. Nieghbors won’t let their kids play with yours, because they don’t know what you’ll do. You have to be a very special person to love a crazy.

Crazy Pride!

stratman37's avatar

everyone make room for the Great Enabler!

cyndyh's avatar

@daloon: Immature, cruel, abusive, pestering. Do you really want to encourage someone to accept those things in a relationship and “love” the person who does these things to them? Nothing to be proud of there.

cheebdragon's avatar

@cyndyh- it’s not their fault if they are crazy! Are you saying that crazy people don’t deserve to be loved? That’s cruel…

cyndyh's avatar

That’s not what I said. You can love a person without accepting those behaviors in a relationship. Looking at that question again, do you think that’s descriptive of a healthy relationship? So if you convince yourself that a guy “can’t help it” do you think the other person should just take all the abuse? I think you have to re-examine what you’re calling “love” if it includes allowing someone to be abusive.

Judi's avatar

I am all about busting the stigma of mental illness too. My son suffers from bi-polar as well. I do think that anyone entering a relationship with him needs to go in with their eyes wide open. They should probably take the NAMI Family to Family class to get a real understanding of what this disease really means to the people who love someone with this disease and they should insist that the person be and stay in treatment as a condition of the relationship. It’s a lot easier to lay out the boundaries before a relationship starts than it is to suddenly find out that the person sleeping next to you could go into a rage at any time without a medical and psychological support group set up. If the guy doesn’t recognize the problem is a mental illness like the question suggests, I would never advise entering a relationship with him. It’s hard enough when the person is self aware enough to seek and continue treatment. As you know from history, it is practically impossible to have much more than a “Jerry Springer” drama filled life if the person refuses to acknowledge their illness.

wundayatta's avatar

@cyndyh: I’m not sure where you got the idea I thought she should just sit back and accept behaviors she doesn’t like. Did you miss the paragraph where I said she should negotiate about these things? Negotiation doesn’t mean caving in; it means working out a realistic way to get what you both want. You have a bottom line, and if it can’t be met, you don’t get involved.

This guy had those features back when. He may have changed. If she likes him, she should see. If he’s mentally ill, she should not get involved with him unless he’s working on it, and being treated.

I just think people need to know that we, the mentally ill, are people, too. Don’t write us off because we’re crazy. Remember, one in five people are mentally ill. That means, most likely, someone close to you is ill, yet they won’t tell you because they know you’ll go all holier-than-thou on them. Tell them to shape up, and pull themselves together. Like stratman37, you’ll call it tough love, or not being an enabler, justifying for yourselves the most cruel tortures of all. If you think being tough is love, then don’t do anyone any favors. By all means, just stay away!

sarapnsc's avatar

I don’t think anyone here is writing anyone off that is mentally ill.
I think the thoughts are trying to convey…. why would you want to start up another relationship with someone who had been cruel and abusive to you. It doesn’t make any sense. I personally, wouldn’t care if this person had changed, went on medication or what not. Someone who had been cruel or abusive to me is history, the hurt and memories alone would want to make me stay away.

wundayatta's avatar

@sarapnsc: I’m not sure I believe you, because what you are saying is that once someone makes a mistake, you will have nothing to do with them any more. Do you have any family? Have any of them ever made mistakes? Do you write them off so easily?

People have bad days, or weeks, or months. That is not necessarily who they are. I think that people can and do change in properly structured situations, guided by an appropriate set of images about how to transform themselves.

I don’t believe most people really are applying the same standards they apply to people they know who are normal, when they decide how to interact with the mentally ill. This, of course, is why I will fight to keep my status unknown to people I am close to (although, now, not so close to). You see the mentally ill as different, and don’t think they are people you need to apply the same standards of care and empathy as you would to normal people, or to physically ill people. Most people, these days, still don’t believe that mental illness is a real illness, like cancer (although it can be just as deadly). They think it’s a fake. Something we have control over.

I don’t expect change. Hell. I thought the same thing before I got sick. And of course, it’s a convenient excuse to hate myself, should I need one. So far, I haven’t had to look that far.

sarapnsc's avatar

I’m not talking about family…I am discussing ex boyfriends.
If a family member of mine was toxic and threatening to my well being, yes I would right them off, until I knew they had gotten help.
As for an ex boyfriend who was cruel and abusive to me, they would be written off by me forever.
I can’t help them, if they are hurting me and tearing me down too.—-

cheebdragon's avatar

Somethings are easier said than done.
If your mother or father went crazy or developed alzheimers, you would just abandon them?

aneedleinthehayy's avatar

I just want to thank everyone for their answers and insight. I am still seeing this boy and plan on staying with him and seeing where it goes. :)

sarapnsc's avatar

@chee…........if your speaking to me, the post has nothing to do with my mother or father.
It has everything to do with an abusive ex boyfriend. Anyone, and I do mean anyone, who is cruel or abusive to me, I would stay away. Mother, Father, whoever- I would stay away from if they were abusive…I would pay for their medical care, those types of things, but as for going around them…not me. How did this post get so off topic!

cheebdragon's avatar

You said anyone….I don’t believe you, but that’s just my opinion. Thank god you are not my kid….

sarapnsc's avatar

I thank God I’m not your child either!!!!!!

and I could care less if you believe me!

augustlan's avatar

couldn’t care less

cyndyh's avatar

@daloon: I’m not writing off all mentally ill people by any stretch. I don’t know if this guy has been diagnosed at all. “Crazy” is not a specific diagnosis. I would write off an abusive ex-boyfriend, though. There’s no room to negotiate with that.

cak's avatar

I have a sister that is bipolar. I love my sister dearly. For years though, I couldn’t spend the time I wanted to spend around her. No matter how much people tried to help her, including me, she dropped in and out of treatment, therapy and would stop taking her meds. I know why she stopped, but it was the same pattern, over and over. My sister is also a binge drinker/ alcoholic. Some bipolars are also OCD, some are ADD/ADHD, some have no other issues – bipolar is hard, with or without complications. It’s not just hard on the person that has it. It’s incredibly difficult on family and friends.

I’m going to say something that will most likely be a very unpopular opinion. Sometimes, for your protection, you must pull away. I had to with my sister. I’m younger (37) and have bailed her out of jail (more than once), have looked for her when she took off and got calls to identify her body at the morgue (more than once), have moved her from a different state to the state where I now reside because that is when she truly lost it and called people – while in a delusional state and told people her now ex, committed suicide…he was very much alive, he was just leaving her. I have shelled out thousands of dollars in meds, clothes, moving expenses, food, bills and misc costs for her – never to see a penny again. I had to pay a lease, in full, to keep her from defaulting when I co-signed for her. All of this while I was a single mom, then after I remarried and was pregnant. Hey and it didn’t stop when I found out I had cancer. The fun just keep happening.

I pulled away from my sister. Why? Some on this board would see it as selfishness or me abandonning my sister. However, there becomes a time when it is abuse – whether or not the bipolar person understands it…it’s most definately abuse. What I left out of the paragraph above were the phone calls, telling me I never loved her, that she couldn’t help it and that I led a perfect life. I don’t call being assaulted, having a husband that wasn’t interested in being being a father, I went from having things to having $13 to my name – and needed to raise my daughter on that after HE refused to leave or help. My perfect little life, wasn’t so perfect, but I had frequent calls from her letting me know that I had everything.

She recently did a stint in rehab, court ordered after she wrecked my mother’s mercedes. NOW, she’s taking her meds. NOW she’s starting to see somethings that have gone on.

When I made the decision to cut ties for awhile, I cried. I had to, though. While it’s important to understand that bipolar people aren’t to be shunned, it’s important to protect yourself from abuse.

I read posts on here that bipolar people are ignored – etc, but I’ll say this. I just found out one of my favorite nurses is bipolar. I love her attitude. I wondered where she went for a week – she usually mentions it when she taking a vacation. She went throug a manic period and it wasn’t under control. She has a good working relationship (of course she’s in a hospital) but has come a long way in her treatments. She no longer thinks people are awful if they pull away – she does when she’s manic, but understands that she can be abusive during these times. They don’t happen for her often, anymore, she acts fast or has friends that aren’t afraid to tell her she’s sliding and needs to see her doctor. I didn’t say, “OH…there’s a crazy person!” I was interested in what brought her to this point. She said she learned to stop obsessing about her disease and start looking for the ways to lead a more productive life. She doesn’t particularly care what people think if they found out she is bipolar. She’s not ashamed, she didn’t do anything to be that way.

She gets it, though, it’s scary to other people. I want that for my sister. I know she’s really working on that now, but she still has a long way to go. I want nothing more for my sister than to be content and dare I say, happiness.

As a side note. For those that think cancer patients don’t see any negative sides to this – outside of the obvious…not true. At first, people rally behind you. Then, when it’s too much for them to handle. You look terrible, too sick or too scary, some stop coming to see you – then they stop calling. Then there are the ones that just think they can catch cancer from you and treat you like you are so contagious that they need to run and run far. Your family tends to treat you differently, too. My son, he was so scared of me. My daughter, she had so much fear, she thought I was going to die when I would go to bed at night.

ALL longterm illnesses or diseases have negative affects on someone’s life. Some worse than others.

sarapnsc's avatar

Cak….thank you for sharing your story…it brought tears to my eyes. I understand somewhat, what you went through. Cak, I hope your cancer is in remission. You will be on my mind all night now. I also, hope their is happiness in your life now.
Thanks again for sharing your wisdom with the boards.

cyndyh's avatar

Cak, I always like reading what you have to say. I hope for the best for both you and your sister. Cheers!

cak's avatar

@ sarapnsc and cyndyh – thank you both.

Judi's avatar

I am glad your sister is in treatment now. It really is a milestone when they admit they are sick and decide to get better. Blessings friend!!! Lurve to you!!

cak's avatar

Thanks Judi!! :) It’s nice to have my sister back!

himalayan's avatar

Some sudden incident happens in life changed everything in any persons life.

aneedleinthehayy's avatar

Update: This boy that I’ve been seeing and being intimate with and having feelings toward has dumped me for another girl just as we were becoming serious. When I asked him if he could explain why, (as I was completely surprised and confused) he told me it is to get back at his ex who was “rubbng in his face that she is no longer single.” There was no warning, I have no idea who this girl is, I thought we were onto something, he seemed to (and would tell me so) really like me. But oh well, I’m done. No need to worry about whether he’s going to turn into a crazy or not cos he just turned into an asshole instead.

augustlan's avatar

Better luck next time, needle!

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther