Social Question

MaisyS's avatar

Am I being too unreasonable and demanding?

Asked by MaisyS (652points) March 13th, 2020

My friends get together a lot. I really want to join them, but my parents have certain rules and I’m not really allowed to visit their houses a lot. I live a little far from the centre of the city as well, where most of my friends live.
So what they do now is when they meet up, they rarely ask me if I want to join. And when I find out through social media they say “Well, you wouldn’t have come anyway and we didn’t want to make you feel bad so we chose not to tell you.” And when I respond saying that maybe they could come over to my house they just say “Not really, it’s a little far, and your parents are always there so we can’t have fun.” And that just makes me feel so bad. I see how close my friends are to each other and each other’s families and I just don’t have that relationship with anyone. I constantly feel like I’m the extra, the backup plan, amongst us. And I’m so lonely.
But it’s not the issue of my parents’ rules I’m writing about. I’m used to those, they’ve been in place since I was little. All i want is for my friends to be a little more accepting of my family values and at least try to make me feel included, like maybe simply asking if I would like to join them even if they know I won’t. It would make me feel like I’m wanted there you know and not just overlooked all the time.
I’ve tried to talk to them about this and all they say is that that’s a dumb request, I shouldn’t expect them to ask me every time they meet up if I’m only going to be there 2 out of 10 times. My best friend is no longer keen to be around me because I’m “boring, and at least the other girls actually do stuff.”
They’re telling me I’m being unreasonable and demanding but I don’t think I am. I think I’m just asking for basic courtesy especially since we’re supposed to be friends.
What do you guys think?

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12 Answers

chyna's avatar

How old are you?

Patty_Melt's avatar

Oh man… the teen years. Forget two cities. The teens are the best of times and the worst of times.
It is a times when victories are sweeter, and embarrassment can make us wish for death.
The teen years is the main time that relationships shift. There is a solid reason for that.
Little kids choose their friends by how they play.
Teen years is when we start steering towards what sort of adults we wanna be. During that process, we find out our little recess buddies might not care about the same things in the same way.
These people you call friends are not being friends. They are not showing you loyalty. They are the ones guilty of rudeness. It is bad enough they leave you out, but when you make it known you are hurt by it, they don’t apologize, they make excuses.

Here is a good rule to remember.
Do not pick your friends, and adjust your values accordingly.
Stick to your values, and adjust your relationships accordingly.

janbb's avatar

I agree with Patty but I also think that maybe it is time to put some pressure on your parents to loosen their rules. Assuming you are a teen, it would be good if you could participate more with any friends. Are your parents approachable? Would they be concerned about your unhappiness? Maybe a reasoned discussion would help.

Here’s another thought. If your parents are strict because of a religious affiliation or other beliefs, maybe you could look for friends whose behavior and beliefs are more in line with your family’s. Is there a church youth group you could join?

Also, having one really good friend can sometimes be enough. If you don’t have that in this circle, maybe see if there is someone else at school you might hang out with in line with the restrictions you live under.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

gorillapaws's avatar

@Patty_Melt “Little kids choose their friends by how they play.
Teen years is when we start steering towards what sort of adults we wanna be.”

I’ve never heard it put that way. Really insightful and great answer.

johnpowell's avatar

I was always the forgotten one in my group of friends too. Nobody minded me being there but I was easily forgotten. I had to do some work to make sure I was included. And I didn’t even live with my parents.

And yeah, asking them to ask you to come along even though they know you can’t is just asking for endless mocking behind your back. It seems like the worst possible option. I was the backwash and I would have even mocked that.

KNOWITALL's avatar

I don’t think there’s much you can do to change your parents or where you live, or that your friends think it’s dumb to NOT hurt your feelings.
How about making some friends closer to your house, like in your neighborhood or at your local library or something like that?

snowberry's avatar

Wow, so many insightful answers, but @Patty_Melt hit it dead on. I’ve been there too, but in a different way. I finally concluded that I’d rather be alone and ignored, than be bullied. It was just as hard. I coped by reading, and characters in books became my companions.

Are you in a church? Are there any kids your age you could spend time with?

I suggest you ask your parents to help you find friends who’d be willing to come to the house. My mother noticed my isolation, and tried to help by inviting people with kids my age over.

jca2's avatar

I think Karma has kind of taken care of this issue now, with the whole world on high alert due to Corona Virus. Nobody should be socializing unnecessarily (meaning only outside and not standing closely to people, etc.), so this shouldn’t be an issue for a while.

MaisyS's avatar

@johnpowell that would be true if I absolutely never came along. But, in keeping with the ratio I mentioned in my post, the chance I have of hanging out with them even 2 out of 10 times is taken from me if they never tell me if they’re going to hang out. If I’m not even given the chance to ask my parents if they’ll let me, both my friends and parental situation will remain exactly where they’re at. It’s not even that they should specifically ask me to join; and come to think of it I should’ve phrased it this way in the post, I just want them not to take pains to hide the fact that they are hanging out until after it has happened. They will keep silent and end conversations or switch topics to steer clear of informing me if they are hanging out, and I’d appreciate if they didn’t do that.

MaisyS's avatar

@jca2 haha I guess that’s true :)

MaisyS's avatar

To everyone else, thank you so much for taking the time to read this and respond to me :)

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