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La_chica_gomela's avatar

Should I confront him?

Asked by La_chica_gomela (12537points) September 1st, 2008

we’ve already broken up quite a while ago, but i just found out that a year ago, he cheated on me

it’s not just that. (1) is the cheating (2) he lied to me when i directly asked him if he had and (3) he was a huge hypocrite and cursed me out and called me all kinds of horrible names after he saw me kissing my new boyfriend after we had broken up.

i want to let it go, but not telling him how i feel makes it harder for me to do that because it feels like all my anger at him is bottled up inside, and i tell other people how i feel, but it doesn’t seem to empty, it’s like trying to open a door with the wrong key. it feels like it’s going to work, but in the end, everything inside stays where it is.

what’s the best thing to do—confront him or not?

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17 Answers

JackAdams's avatar

Go ahead and confront him, but do so in a letter that you mail.

When people confront each other in person, they sometimes say very hateful and hurtful things that they don’t mean, or later regret.

In a letter, you are forced, by the act of writing, to choose your words more carefully, for maximum effect.

Writing a letter is cathartic, and sometimes, therapeutic, because it is a very healthy way to release anger an animosity.

When I am super-ticked at someone, I sit down, write the person a letter, and tell them every vile and disgusting thing I can, and then I either tear up the letter, set fire to it, or flush it down the toilet.

Either way, it is out of my system.

Put HIM out of your own “system.”

September 1, 2008, 7:35 PM EDT

MrMeltedCrayon's avatar

I’ve been in a very similar situation. And when I found out that my ex had been cheating on me, it did hurt quite a bit. However, I feel that confronting her led to even more hurt, and I realize now that I was better off when our communications had been severed. From the sound of it, he is a person better left out of your life; I wouldn’t dredge it all up by seeking him out and confronting him. However, everyone is different, and if that’s what you think you really need to do to set your mind at ease, go for it.

fireant4040's avatar

go ahead and do it. That happened to me and when I confronted her, it made me feel better just knowing that now she knows that I know.

syz's avatar

A letter with a nice container of dog poop sounds about right.

JackAdams's avatar

@syz: LOL!

A container of DOG VOMIT would be better still. LOL

September 1, 2008, 9:05 PM EDT

marinelife's avatar

I say there is nothing to be gained by confrontation. Write him a letter where you really let it all out—anger, vitriol, hatred, everything. Then tear it up or burn it. Don’t give him any power to hurt you any further.

You have moved on. You have a new guy. One reason you broke up was you knew he was slime. Regard this proof of his further perfidy as validation of your good sense.

tinyfaery's avatar

If confronting him will make you feel better than go ahead and do it. But ask yourself what you want to accomplish? Do you just want him to know you know, do want to address how he treated you when he saw you kissing someone else? Are you trying to get back at him in some way? If it were me, I’d just let it go. No need to get angry about it now. It’s over and done with, and you’ve obviously moved on.

However, if you happen to see him, and there is an available moment, you might want to get a little dig in about it. Let him know you know.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

Thanks, Tiny. Those are really important questions. You’re right. I need to think about them before I do anything.

I feel like, I had moved on. We were friendly. But now it’s like everything changed. There’s definitely no “need” to get angry. but i’m angry anyway. and i feel like it’s not my choice to be angry. i just am.

I feel a lot of pressure to get over it, from my friends, from the ppl i’ve talked to about it here, and also from myself because I feel so bad for Tim, because his girlfriend is getting all upset about some other guy. That can’t be a good feeling.

I wish I could just forget about the whole thing. I almost wish I hadn’t ever found out.

marinelife's avatar

Your feelings are your feelings and they are never invalid. No one else can tell you what you feel.

Maybe you need to ask yourself what it is you feel angry about? That he lied? That he cheated? That you accepted his lie and have been friendly?

Just remember the only person you need to be true to here is yourself. You owe Tim that you will deal with this old baggage as much as possible without impacting your current relationship and him. He owes you decent time and space to do that.

Be kind to yourself.

tinyfaery's avatar

I can see how you’d be angry, even if you know it’s unreasonable. Emotions are emotions. The fact that you are angry about it might (and I emphasize might) be because you have not truly reconciled your feelings for him.

I am trying to put myself in your shoes. Before I met my wife, I was in a relationship with a man for almost 4 years. I’ve thought about it, and if I were to find out that he had cheated on me while we were together, I could see myself becoming a bit irritated by it, but there is no way I’d need to confront him on the issue. I’m happily married now, and have no reservations about my feelings for him.

Just something to ponder…

Knotmyday's avatar

Well- I’ve been in your shoes, and I know what you’re going through. The last thing you want to do is draw your current boyfriend into this particular turmoil, maddening though it may be.

Talk it out with family and friends. Burn the guy in effigy. Make a voodoo doll. Do whatever you have to for full catharsis.

Just don’t squander the precious time you have with your SO on the other butthole. Or “pendejo,” if you will. :^D

La_chica_gomela's avatar

gracias, knotmyday. me das buen consejo. i wish i had asked you guys earlier.

Judi's avatar

I think the idea of getting some girlfriends together and throwing a bash the dog party is great!
You already know what I think about confronting him from the other thread. I also think writing a letter and burning it is great too. I just think that confronting him would make you look really foolish, especially after a year, and would give him power over your emotions. He could brag about how bad you still had it for him, it might even puff up his ego. You are allowed to have feelings and you can’t always help how you feel. You do have a choice in what you do with your feelings.
Yes, burning a good spiteful letter where you say everything you want to say to him, and any pictures, gifts or letters you may have left of him sounds healing to me. I am just pretty sure that even if it feels good to say it at the moment, you will have many sleepless nights being embarrased at how out of control you looked when you did it. I think you would be creating one of those “Lifes most embarrassing moments” that we all would rather forget. Don’t give him your power.

scamp's avatar

Let it go, at least for now. Keep this one in your back pocket. Maybe you will be fortunate enough to see him one day with a new girlfriend, and you can confront him then, in front of her. Let him be the one to squirm for a change.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

i don’t have anything against his girlfriend, scamp. i have seen him since then, with and without michelle. it’s not her fault he’s a douchebag, just like it’s not mine.

Judi's avatar

It is really funny that I just had this conversation about “confrontational communication with an ex” with my 24 YO son this morning. Thanks for having my thoughts all organized to advise him!

La_chica_gomela's avatar

no problem! ;-)

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