Social Question

BBawlight's avatar

Have I made the right choice?

Asked by BBawlight (2432points) May 9th, 2020

Hello everyone, it’s been a long time since I’ve actually been on here. This question is going to be really long and there’s some talk of previous abuse so if you can’t read stuff like that then I would urge you to not go any farther.

So, I’m not sure if anyone that is on here now was on here back when I first made an account, but I’m still posting this here because it is the only place I actually feel comfortable asking this. Nobody that I know in real life actually knows about this site as far as I’m aware.

Anyway, so back in 2012, I answered a question about people who were sexually abused. “Did you report them or not – why/why not?” Was the gist of it. Since I was a minor at the time, the mods (namely Augustlan and a few others) actually helped me by contacting CPS.

I was asked to come to the CPS building and explain my side of the situation, essentially. I told them everything that had happened and then the person walked out of the room. A few minutes later, they came back and asked if I had anything else to add.

I told them that I had made it all up and that I was just confused because I thought it was a dream.

There was really nothing they could do to put him away because I gave them that doubt.

I did it on purpose. You see, at the time, my family was in a difficult financial situation in which we needed to move out of our current place and go back to our hometown.

My dad, the abuser, was our sole financial support at the time, and if we were going to ever move out of the hellhole we were in then he would need to be the one to bring in money.

I realized this at the time, and I made a really difficult decision to just let it go.

I still live with both of my parents right now, and often times I ask myself if I made the right decision all of those years ago.

He has not laid even a single hand on me since then. I know that it tears him up inside knowing how he hurt me. It’s ruined my parents’ sexual relationship and the father-daughter relationship we had before everything. I understand why he did what he did to me, but at the same time it still hurts.

It really tears me up inside sometimes to think about what would have happened if I told the truth and he went away? How would I be different? Would I have healed faster knowing that he was out of our lives? I’m sorry this was so long but I feel like I really need help with these answers and Fluther is really the only place I can ask.

Thank you for reading this and any responses will be appreciated.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

10 Answers

LostInParadise's avatar

Not sure what you are asking. There is not much point dwelling on what might have been.

Has your father ever apologized for what he did? Would you be willing to accept his apology? Would you be able to discuss this with him? Having a frank discussion about what happened might help provide closure and allow you to move on with your life.

chyna's avatar

Hi @BBawlight ! I remember you. It sounds like you are still doubting your actions from way back when. I can’t answer how things would have been different if you would have followed through. I think you need to talk to a therapist to help you talk through your doubts and fears. If you can’t afford one, there are those that charge on a sliding scale based on your salary.
By the way, in case you didn’t know, Augustlan has passed away. I’m so glad she was able to help you. She was just that kind of caring, loving person.

LadyMarissa's avatar

Since the abusive side of the family dynamics did become better, I don’t think you made the wrong choice. It’s impossible to know how much different your life might have been IF things had been handled different. At this point, it is what it is so don’t second guess yourself!!!

My way of dealing with choices that I’ve made is to tell myself that I made the best decision for me at the time & I do my best to NOT second guess or doubt that it was correct. Hind sight is always clearer. There have been a few decisions in my life that I might not have done the same knowing what I know now. At the same time, it was still the best decision for me at that time!!!

You are accepting the blame for your parent’s sexual relationship. Had you had your dad removed from the situation, their sex life would have been nonexistent. Married couples go through hot & cold cycles in their sexual relationship, so you might have NOTHING to do with how they deal with each other as it might have been exactly the same IF you had chosen a different path. When it comes to life, NOT everything is your fault!!!

Oh yes, WELCOME BACK to Fluther!!!

jca2's avatar

My thoughts are that maybe you can go to therapy with your dad, or maybe without your dad, just on your own. You can sort out your feelings with the therapist.

Bill1939's avatar

I understand why you made the choice to protect the family even though it seemed to you to be letting your father off the hook. From what you have written, by first telling authorities about his assault and your father’s actions being exposed you had accomplished an important step in healing. However, witnessing the pain your family experienced afterward seems to have instilled guilt in you.

There is no way one can know or even imagine the outcome of a path not chosen. But one thing is known. What you feel now is what you would have felt had you taken the other path, shame, guilt, anger, grief, confusion… The emotional scar tissue will always remain. When something reminds you of that time, you will re-experience these feelings. When this happens, imagine yourself holding yourself in your arms and reassuring yourself that they are not true. You are guilty of nothing. Your anger is justified as is the grief over the changes his actions caused and you should forgive yourself for doubting yourself.

I trust that as you approach independence your life has brought friendship and love, and a sense of purpose and hope. You are a special person whose experiences have given you an understanding few achieve. It will enable you to be of help to others who suffer from the cruelties they experienced early in life. I say this because I believe I have gained a measure of wisdom from my personal sufferings and having witnessed the suffering of those I have loved.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Yes, because it stopped your father from possibly abusing another in the family or not.
I hope that you had moved away from him when you got older to go on your own?
He should feel guilt not you!

Response moderated (Spam)
BBawlight's avatar

Thank you all for the welcome back messages and for taking my question seriously.

@chyna Auggie was and amazing person and really went out of her way to help me and guide me all those years ago. It’s so unfortunate to hear about her passing.

I appreciate everyone’s honest responses and I do want to talk about this situation with him in the future. I have for a long time now, but I have been afraid.

@LadyMarissa I agree that everything was clearer in hindsight. And considering all of the responses here I do trust that I made I made the best decision for myself.

My dad feels immensely remorseful about what he did and I feel like he is a completely different man than he was before. I want to rekindle our father daughter relationship, but I’m not sure how. I want to tell him that I forgive him, but I’m afraid. I guess I just have to keep trusting in myself that I can make the decision that is right for me, regardless of what other people may want to say about the path I’ve chosen in the past.

Cupcake's avatar

Can you tell us more about what you mean by, “I understand why he did what he did to me”?

Response moderated (Spam)

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.
Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther