General Question

luigirovatti's avatar

Do you agree that we should visit the graves of the deceased people not on their anniversaries but on their birthdays?

Asked by luigirovatti (1830points) 1 month ago

To honor their lives, not their deaths. I personally don’t agree, because it’s easy to honor people in their life, what we must do is grieve in their moments of death, because people who live a life full of pain, pain, pain, want a peaceful death, even if it’s oblivion, and also because this world (animals, plants, etc., not including humans, sorry, because there are defeatists too) cares about the dead.

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20 Answers

janbb's avatar

I think it is for any living individual to decide when they want to visit a grave. There is no “must” in it anywhere. Surely the dead don’t care.

luigirovatti's avatar

@janbb: Oh, sorry for the “must”, it’s a “relative” one, I tend to like my opinions. :)

cookieman's avatar

It’s clearly a personal choice, so I can only speak to what I do.

I don’t visit folks at cemeteries at all, because they’re not really there. Just the remains of their body. Whatever made them THEM is elsewhere or nowhere (depending on your beliefs).

Outside of that though, I do not make a point of remembering the day someone passed because I find that too sad. It’s also the least interesting thing to me about who they were — even if I was around when they were dying (which I have been many times).

I prefer to remember their birthday or some special occasion or memory that we shared. I find that to be a more positive way to remember the time I had with someone.

Jeruba's avatar

Why would it ever be a wrong time to honor a deceased person’s memory?

I’m not going to shout up from the grave, “It’s November, silly! Come back in July.”

Anyway, you don’t have to be in any special location to dedicate a loving or respectful thought to someone’s memory. I tend to do it on both anniversaries, as well as at times in between (such as holidays), although their burial sites are far away.

luigirovatti's avatar

@Jeruba: I understand the thing about the place, but not about time, because a specific time assumes automatically there’s a right and a wrong one, instead of honor the dead wherever and whenever we like.

stanleybmanly's avatar

I think reverence for the dead a diminishing luxury in a world increasingly defined by ashes in urns as opposed to coffins in the ground. I’ve warned those likely responsible for the disposal of my remains that I will come back and strangle anyone seeking my demise as an excuse to further enrich the funeral industry.

luigirovatti's avatar

@stanleybmanly: Maybe it’s nothing, or you also know, but there is the belief that the dead are bound by their physical remains, unless, you said it, burned and transformed to ash.

elbanditoroso's avatar

A grave is just a physical symbol.

When I die, I will be cremated. I would rather be thought about and remembered that way compared to a piece of rock and a hole in the ground.

ucme's avatar

Graves are to be visited whenever those who lost a loved one or friend feels they’re missing the deceased.
Or even done on a whim, they were in their thoughts.
Dates don’t come into it.

stanleybmanly's avatar

@luigirovatti there are more beliefs on the habits and proclivities of the dead than you can shake a stick at. I have merely provided you with my own. Personally I don’t concern myself much with the eventuality since I am determined not to leave prior to devising some method defying the pronouncement that “you can’t take it with you”.

Jeruba's avatar

@luigirovatti, are we disagreeing? I said: Why would it ever be a wrong time to honor a deceased person’s memory?

Dutchess_III's avatar

It doesn’t make a single bit of difference, except in the minds of the living, when one would visit a grave.

filmfann's avatar

No one decisively knows the nature of death, but it’s a fair guess the dead don’t care about calendars.
My parents grave is 250 miles from my home, but when I am nearby, I will pay homage to them.
Not that I think they care, but I find it comforting.

seawulf575's avatar

I think you should visit the graves of deceased people whenever you want.

SEKA's avatar

Since my parents passed, I haven’t made it a habit to go visit them on the anniversary of their death because that day is already sad enough. I go about once a month when I’m traveling near the cemetery where they are interred. I don’t have a scheduled day. it’s just when the mood strikes. Sometimes when I’m having a challenging day, I’ll drive out to visit so I can bitch to my Mom about all the things bothering me. Dad never listened to me anyway so I assume he’s not listening. My sister never goes out to the cemetery and I really don’t care. It’s her choice and I don’t want her sticking her nose into when or why I go so I keep my nose out of her choice

jca2's avatar

Different people do different things. There are no hard and fast rules about when to visit graves. Some go on holidays, some go on birthdays, some go on the anniversary of the deceased’s passing, some go on a whim, some do any combination of the above. Some go every season to put seasonal decorations on the grave. Some hold to a strict routine about it, and some may never visit a loved one’s grave.

My mom died over 3 years ago and I’ve been to her grave twice, both times with other family members who were going, and both times were on a holiday. I find it kind of depressing to visit. I know it’s there so I can visit any time I want to, but it just makes me sad. I think of her every day and I have her art hanging in my house, and I am also reminded of her by other things, like a food that she made or something she would say.

Other people that were close to me were cremated, so there are no graves to visit.

stanleybmanly's avatar

The urn is the best deal. I have fantasies of my own being cemented in some prominently unavoidable viewing space in this household—say the bathroom, above the sink, and in front the mirror. Not only will the occupants find themselves embarrassingly confined in a small room with my lewd remains, there’s the additional bonus of their very noses being within inches of my putrefaction as they dare to wash up.

PaisleyFaye's avatar

I feel that’s a matter of personal choice, if my Mother were buried then for me, yes I’d visit her for Mothers Day and on her Birthday and when I felt a need to do just that.

Dutchess_III's avatar

My mom’s resting place is 2000 miles away.

Glambarber's avatar

Why not visit on both?

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