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maroon's avatar

Is the situation with the pandemic ruining my relationship?

Asked by maroon (166points) July 13th, 2020

Hello. I haven’t been on Fluther for a while but my current situation prompted me to reach out to you friendly jellies. I’m not entirely sure how to start with this one, but as tradition dictates I might start at the beginning.

I met my girlfriend at a work event back in London (what? no dating apps??). We got on swimmingly and I was bold enough to ask her out for more drinks the same evening. In any case, I was smitten. We started seeing each other regularly. One thing led to another quickly as I knew that her job in London was coming to an end and she’d be moving back to her country.

Now I was already in the process of getting ready to leave London. In an act of spontaneity, we decided to move to Berlin together. I’d always wanted to live there, and as luck would have it, there was a flat available through a connection of hers.

My mom had already planned a trip to Berlin as a bday present for me, so we took this opportunity to check the flat out together. And I obviously got to introduce my mom to my new girlfriend. Things were going really well, but obviously there was this nagging feeling that maybe we’re doing something completely crazy to move in with each other so soon. She even asked me if I was sure, and I wasn’t using her as an excuse to finally move here. Indecisive as I am, I simply wasn’t sure. But I knew I was into her, and I knew I wanted to be in Berlin.

Anyway, corona happened and we had to wait another couple months before seeing each other in Berlin. Needless to say I was incredibly excited. Now that almost two months have passed and I am still without a job, only getting the odd freelance gigs, frustration is setting in. She’s already got a job, and while I’m very happy for her, I feel disappointed in myself. I know everyone is having a tough time at the moment, but I’m starting to think this might not have been the best choice.

What makes me most distressed is that ‘honeymoon period’ is certainly over. I consider myself a romantic person but the situation right now just feels like routine. I’m not sure if it’s just my anxiety and frustration over the situation here, or if I’m simply not into her anymore. Obviously, we barely knew each other so it was a bit of a gamble to begin with. We’re also incredibly alike in some ways, stubborn and introverted, and have a hard time talking emotions, so that doesn’t help either.

Another thing to note is that we chose to sign a 6-month lease (just in case). Now in hindsight, that might have been a wise choice.

I’m just not sure how to approach the discussion. She wants to take a trip abroad with me later this month but I feel like I need to bring this up first because it’s eating me up. Would love to hear your thoughts :)

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9 Answers

chyna's avatar

I’ll start with your last statement first. Why would you plan a trip abroad when you have no money? Maybe she offered to pay for it? Even so, that’s not a good idea. Also, there is an epidemic. Stay home!
Also, if you aren’t working, who is paying all the bills? I think you should concentrate on finding a job and living on your own. Then figure out where your relationship stands.
Good luck! And welcome back!

janbb's avatar

So, to get this straight, you are now living together in Berlin she has a job and you don’t. And you’re not crazy about her any more. It sounds to me like it was a noble experiment that is failing. You do need to talk it out and I would guess, maybe break it off and go back to England. It doesn’t really feel to me like the pandemic has that much to do with things unless you feel it is making it harder for you to find a job.

If you want to leave her, I would do it sooner rather than later. If you still are obligated to stay for the six months of the lease, maybe see if you can negotiate a transition to just roommates for the time remaining and find a way to boost your job skills and go on the market in Germany or the UK.

And i don’t suggest spending money on a trip with her.

Good luck – life is hard!

maroon's avatar

@chyna Thanks for your answer. Definitely not an ideal time. I had just resigned from my job in order to make the move here. Then the pandemic came to London. I started focusing on freelancing (which has helped having that, let me tell you…). Everything seemed to happen at once so it felt like a great opportunity to start fresh somewhere else. And Berlin is not under any lockdown.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Three months is usually the honeymoon phase, where everything is idealistic. Then reality sets in.

It is best to come clean about how you are feeling. No relationship is without issues, yet those that last grow stronger from working through it.

janbb's avatar

Full disclosure: I just peeked at your profile and most of your questions over a number of years deal with deep infatuations and moving too quickly into relationships. Maybe it’s time to be alone and really think about what your relationship patterns and needs are and how to proceed more slowly next time. Perhaps even with a counselor.

Or with us? Welcome back to Fluther. It’s a good place to muddle.

maroon's avatar

@janbb Maybe it has failed. But I’m also someone who doesn’t want to give up so easily. Still, having a short break clause was perhaps a good idea.

That’s so funny. I think I came to the same conclusion when I dusted my account off. Think you’re onto something there… Thanks! Nice to be here.

SEKA's avatar

You’re already feeling guilty about not having a job, so how can you afford to travel abroad with no money? Then you’ll face the hurdle of most countries closing their borders due to the pandemic. I’m surprised that she hasn’t started complaining that she’s carrying all the financial burden as it is. Your previous Q’s indicates that you love em and leave em at a fairly regular rate. Maybe you should cut her losses and get out now

maroon's avatar

@SEKA Thanks for your answer. Just to be clear, she’s not carrying any financial burden. We’re paying everything equally. I’m not destitute! But yes, I agree, sooner rather than later is probably best. I suppose I’m just confused.

KNOWITALL's avatar

It sounds to me that you are stressing yourself out with all this pressure. New job, new country, new relationship. So perhaps you aren’t seeing things clearly or possibly have some mild depression. Maybe your ego has taken a hit and you’re feeling dissatisfied with yourself and projecting that on to the girlfriend. If she’s planning a future trip, it kind of sounds like this is all your issue or feelings of inadequacy.

I’d just sit down with the girlfriend and express how you’re feeling, after some soul-searching so YOU know where you’re at mentally and emotionally. Just be honest and open with her and go from there.

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