General Question

tan253's avatar

Can a woman happily date a younger man when she's in her 40s?

Asked by tan253 (2788points) 1 week ago

Hi Guys,
I’m 44, I’ve started dating a guy 9 years younger than me. I’m trying to find my peace with this as I really like him a lot. We get on really well, talk for hours, connect on a physical level that is wonderful. He wants children, I have 2. I find myself worried about how I look in the morning when we wake up, I notice my skin is sagging and his is tight, he has beautiful firm skin around his face and I feel ‘old’ next to him. All this to say, I don’t want to feel this way. Is this society’s fault, where it’s fine for an older man to date a younger woman but not the other way around? I want to be happy, I want to embrace this feeling again as it’s been such a long time, but can I have another child? Do I want to have another child? Knowing he does should I just end it now and not get more involved. We are already quite close and spending a lot of time together, he’s becoming my BFF guys! But I can’t get past this feeling of just looking and feeling old and terrified about pregnancy at my age. What do you think?

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29 Answers

zenvelo's avatar

I had a good friend who dated younger men when she was in her late thirties and into her forties. She thought the sex was better and appreciated their energy.

I don’t think it is as rare as people might believe, that in reality many women date younger men, they just don;t make a big deal out of it.

si3tech's avatar

In my 50s. Happily? Yes. The man was 9 years younger than I.

tan253's avatar

Thanks guys x

Brian1946's avatar

When I met my future wife over 26 years ago, she was 51 and I was 47.

We’ve now been happily married for over 18 years.

anniereborn's avatar

I met my husband when I was 36 and he was 27. We got married when I was 40. We have been together for 15 years now. I understand what you mean about feeling older. But, after awhile things even out a bit more. Also….no way would i have gotten pregnant at 44. It gives me hives thinking about it :p

tan253's avatar

Did you have children @anniereborn

anniereborn's avatar

@tan253 No we didn’t

janbb's avatar

I don’t see the age difference as that big a deal unless it ruins things for you. The child issue is a bigger one. I can’t imagine you would want a pregnancy. let alone a baby, at your age. I think you have to have that talk if you are getting serious.

cookieman's avatar

My in-laws and two good friends were/are 10 years apart. Married happily for 50 and 15 years respectively.

I don’t think 9 years is objectively a big deal. Now, if it bothers you too much personally, that’s a horse of a different color.

YARNLADY's avatar

My hub and I married when he was 24 and I was 32. I had one child, and we had another after 5 years. We celebrate 45 year anniversary this year.

chyna's avatar

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the age difference. And apparently he doesn’t see you the way you see yourself because he’s with you and discussing kids. That may be the drawback though. You two need to discuss that before you move forward. My ex was 6 years younger and he never once mentioned the age difference.

tan253's avatar

Yeah I’m actually going to discuss this with the Doctor, I’ve always wanted another child but have been single for 5 years so gave up on it once I turned 40!! Now I’m 44 .. and I can’t believe I’m considering it again, though reading up on it, it seems highly unlikely I’d naturally conceive. Fun trying though! (!!!!)

chyna's avatar

The week before I turned 40 I had my tubes tied as I didn’t want to get pregnant after 40, but that was just my own decision. I wasn’t actively trying to get pregnant, but we didn’t try to prevent it either.
Edit to add: oops I got way off topic. Sorry.
But really, keep us updated. I love a love story!

ucme's avatar

Of course!

jca2's avatar

I don’t think the age difference is a big deal. My mother married my stepfather and she was six years older than he. My mom had my sister when she was 41, naturally conceived, and I had my daughter when I was 41, also naturally conceived.

I think a bigger issue for you is not whether or not you can have a baby, but do you really want one? I remember when my mother was pregnant with my sister, when I was 18, and there were no kids in between, I thought my mother was just nuts. Luckily it worked out and my mom was in great shape but I’m betting there was a big difference between her energy level when she had me at age 23 and had my sister at age 41.

Patty_Melt's avatar

Middle aged woman here.
I see the baby issue as being a bigger potential hurdle.
Don’t you dare think you won’t conceive at this age.
I had my surprise baby just weeks before turning forty. I know personally plenty of mommies who were older than that having one or two children more.
Here is something nobody warned me about. Nearing menopause my body and subconscious started ringing the biological clock alarm. It was like everything was in a panic that soon shop would close.
It would have been disastrous if I gave in to those monster urges, but I knew that. Knowing didn’t loosen the grip of hormones soon to be retired. It was at least as tough as puberty.
Since then I have learned I’m not the only woman to experience that. It doesn’t happen with everyone, and those who have gone through it are usually embarrassed, so little is said.

I just want you to recognize it, if that happens with you.
You should have discussions and make choices now, so if you do have that experience, you will both already know what you have chosen is right for you.

I think a smoking hot younger man is a rare find. If you have the stamina, get your man.

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

At 44 conception will be hit or miss and the chance of birth defects is higher. If you conceive tomorrow and all is well you will be in your 60’s when the child is 18. It’s something to be considered. I would talk with your partner about their expectations to have kids and dig deep into your own feelings with this.
As far as the younger man is concerned when ladies hit that second sexual peak in their 40’s it’s a rare time that their libido would be a proper match for a man in their early 30’s. Even when I was on my late 20’s I found women in their 40’s very attractive so don’t give that a second thought.

cookieman's avatar

May I also suggest adoption as a possibility? Older couples generally do well with adopted children, and there’s oodles of kids in need of a loving home.

tan253's avatar

I have found that my body responds in ways I didn’t think was possible! Is this the 40’s peak! If so it’s great…. haha but yes babies – that’s a hard one at my age. I’d love another baby but is it safe, if even possible!

gorillapaws's avatar

There’s no fundamental reason why an older woman can’t have a wonderful and loving relationship with a younger man. I think the “feeling old” thing is likely in your head, drilled in by marketing people trying to get you to buy this cream or that lotion.

The much bigger issue is the children thing. You shouldn’t have another child unless its something YOU want. Creating a child shouldn’t be a compromise to keep the man you love in your life. You shouldn’t do so reluctantly, but enthusiastically. And it’s totally rational for this person to want to father his own child—to see a smaller version of himself develop and grow, and to pass on his genes to survive him when he’s gone. That’s a normal and natural instinct (if not our primary instinct).

It may be the case that this is an irreconcilable difference between the two of you. As much as it hurts, it may be the best thing to walk away now despite your feelings.

jca2's avatar

@ARE_you_kidding_me said what I didn’t want to say. Birth defects and all that. I was lucky to conceive at 40 and all was well. 44 it’s very iffy.

SEKA's avatar

My Mom’s BFF conceived naturally when she was 52. She had gone through menopause and thought she couldn’t get pregnant, so they had become lax with the birth control. Her first grand baby was born 2 weeks after her youngest child. She was scared to death and had commented that getting pregnant that time was the worst thing that ever happened to her. As it turned out, she and that child were closer than she was with the other 2. When she had medical issues in her 70’s, this baby was the only child to be there for her and taking care of her. The other 2 had their own lives but the youngest put Mom first.

Now, if you 2 love each other, the bags, sags, and wrinkles won’t even be considered because love is blind. Plus over the next 10 years, his tight body will begin to sag and bag as well. I hope everything turns out as wonderful as you’re seeing right now

tan253's avatar

oh wow that’s amazing, thank you SEKA! x

Response moderated (Spam)
jca2's avatar

@SEKA: If the person went through menopause, it would be impossible to conceive.

SEKA's avatar

@jca2 That’s what the doctor told her. He was also the same doctor that said she was in menopause and could no longer get pregnant. The baby she delivered proves that it wasn’t impossible

jca2's avatar

@SEKA: Then my guess would be she was not past menopause, meaning she still got her period.

SEKA's avatar

@jca2 I’m not going to argue with you. I told this story the same way she told the story. It doesn’t matter to me when or how she got pregnant. She dead now so I can pretty much guarantee you that she won’t get pregnant again

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