General Question

Plentylove09's avatar

Why does my bf always tries to bring me down during arguments is thus a control thing?

Asked by Plentylove09 (113points) September 12th, 2020 from iPhone

I feel he always has to make me feel bas about things, like if I was not good enough, I don’t understand if he does this due to our age gap ( he is older than me by 17 years).

Can this mean he is not happy with me and is trying to dissapoint me for me to be the one who leaves the relationship?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

5 Answers

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

There are at least two factors to consider here, 1). He is just being honest. 2) The age difference. There may be another or more.

My opinion is to skip the age gap for now. When you are in a calmer mode, explain how his words make you feel. Ask him what or how your emotions can be better expressed. Sometimes, it is just a matter of a time break apart.

Call_Me_Jay's avatar

Which 17 years? There is an enormous difference between (for example) 17–34 and 27–44.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Its a form of abuse in that he is controlling you.
I suggest a book:
“Why Does He Do That” By Lundy Bancroft

( Basically inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men)Pages 76— 105)

You will need counselling by yourself to get out of this relationship safely.

(Some quotes from page 134)

He could be symptomatically tearing you down to make it more difficult to get better treatment.

“The more time he has to hurt you emotionally, the more likely your energy and initiative are to diminish, so that it gets harder to muster the strength to get out.”

Usually the controller hooks up with someone younger in order to better control her.

“it could be dangerous to confront him on this, so talk with a counselor in private first.

” The longer you have been living with his cycles of intermittent abuse and kind, loving treatment, the MORE attached you are likely to feel to him,through a process known as “traumatic bonding”. (Chapter Nine).

If your library is opened see if you can read this book or others on this subject at the library, under NO circumstances bring the book home as once the abuser sees this it is even more dangerous.

Abuse is learned, and some are difficult to change while others cannot change at all as they were taught that behavior through life experiences of society ( some men’s views on how to treat a women(badly).

Be aware that you are entitled to be treated with respect ,love,support etc
There is hope for a better future for you, once you realize that you have been accepting less than you should be receiving in the present.

Just be careful and be safe about getting help.

snowberry's avatar

^^absolutely! Please take care of yourself first!

Smashley's avatar

Yeah, it’s most likely a kind of control thing. Without knowing more, I can say what level of asshat he is, but he is being one. I’m less quick to jump to the abuser thing than some here, but certainly you should consider it.

I doubt this is about trying to end a relationship. Possessing a person is a part of control, and people who shit on others often have low self esteem, and fear rejection. Some people just really haven’t been treated well in their lives, and have no idea how to treat others well. It’s a shitty way to be, and maybe you should drop him for it.

The age thing is another wrinkle to consider. Some people see their own failures in the young, or they see all that is wrong with society personified in a particular young person.

I’m sorry he makes you feel so bad. Not everyone is like that.

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther