General Question

Jreemy's avatar

How do I go about getting a girlfriend?

Asked by Jreemy (168points) September 6th, 2008

I have only had one girlfriend to date and that was because I knew for certain that she liked me in return. Well, that was sophomore year of high school. I am in college now and I haven’t had a date in over two years. For one, I don’t know how to “flirt” and all of the female friends I have are all in the
“Just friends” zone or are not attracted to guys of my physique in any way, shape, or form. I am seriously at a loss and I don’t know how to dig myself out of this rut. Any thoughts?

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29 Answers

iwamoto's avatar

been looking for that answer for years myself, at least in my case I know it’s my fault.hahaha

Mulot's avatar

Hehe, really, I was single for a long time (more than your 2 years), and I was not looking for a girl, I was just living my life. For me when you are seeking hard something, sometimes after getting it, you just realize that was maybe not what your truly wanted in a first place.

My own experience about it, I was just doing so language training on a social website, and I met a girl, a fantastic one, we both match at the beginning, and I don’t know if I could “find” somebody like her knowingly.

But for all things about love and feelings, their is no miracle recipe, my advice may be just to not force fate.

jimmythepenguin's avatar

hey guys. Ok so I was in this exact same position maybe a year ago and then I read this book called ‘the game’ by a guy called neil strauss – which I would litterally say changed my life. It’s about him working as a journalist infiltratng a world wide rng of pick up artists. Sounds crazy I know. But after I read it I looked up the guys he was taking about. Guys he was actually lvng with. They all run seminars on this stuff. Search for mystery on YouTube. He invented this whole concept of social dynamics. Basically analysing human ineractions. Especial male female attraction. If you’re thinking it al sunds like bullshit try Reading it before you dismiss it it worked for me. What I would sum up your problem as though is you’re waiting for the girl to indicate that she likes you. Fuck that. Just assume she does. That was it’s more likely she will cos you’ll be more confident. Women make their mind up gradualy. So consider it something you can change not some fixed thing you have to find out. Anyway god luck. Also look up David deangelo who is amazing. He writes and does seminars about what it really means to be a man in this stance modern time, looking at everything from phylosophy to evolutionary psychology.

cyndyh's avatar

You probably want to start by meeting a lot of women. Ask some of your “just friends” to introduce you to some. Do things in groups for a while. You can’t force it, but you can put yourself in positions where you’re more likely to meet more women. This will eventually happen for you.

Getting better at flirting comes with practice. If you’re a nice and genuine guy that will work on someone. It doesn’t matter much what you’re saying if you’re getting the point across that you’re making an effort because you like her so far and want to get to know her more. Even lame lines and poorly delivered good lines can work if she thinks your “kinda cute” and she’s gets the point that you like her.

8lightminutesaway's avatar

i dont recommend reading “the game.” it teaches you to work on female insecurities to get them, and other wrong things, and its just not a good way to go about getting a real girlfriend. my best female friend would let me read the book, because she said its mostly true and it will work, but its terrible. so i stole it and read a bunch of chapters to my disappointment.
I second mulot’s response though, even though waiting I’m sure wasn’t the answer you’re looking for.

jimmythepenguin's avatar

so it works but you wouldn’t rexmend it? Great advice. It’s information- it’s what you do with it that defines your morality. Women use guys insecurity on them all the time it’s good to understand what’s really going on. One thing it says is just talkto girls like you’d talk to guys don’t pit them on a pedestal. It’s just a girl no matter how pretty she is she prob has the same issues as you

Jreemy's avatar

@cyndyh, I have tried the whole “nice and genuine guy” approach for the entirety of my existence and it just keeps sucking me into the “friend zone”. I am that guy who all the girls complain about their boyfriends to. I seriously don’t know “how” to flirt and I think that is my major downfall (that and it seems of the girls I actually like, 60% are already taken). Most of my attempts to interact with women usually end up with them doing a cute giggle and telling me “who they like”. It is seriously annoying. Plus, I don’t know how to improve on the whole eye contact thing. I cant stare into a woman’s eyes for too long. I guess I feel like I am intruding for some reason, but I have heard that eye contact is key.

cyndyh's avatar

Jreemy, the nice and genuine guy thing isn’t just an approach. It’s who you are or not. That’s not what sucks you into the friend zone. Some women just won’t get you or won’t think of you that way, and there’s nothing you can do about that. It really only takes one woman, the right one, to see you as boyfriend material for things to work for you. You don’t want to try being someone else and then be miserable with someone who still doesn’t know you.

If you don’t want to keep hearing about girls’ boyfriends tell them that. Or better yet ask them to help you, too. It’s not really a friendship if you always have to be the one to listen. They should talk with you about things you’re interested in, too—like finding a girlfriend.

Women who know you as friends will know about the qualities you have that might be attractive to their friends. Seriously start practicing the flirting with them if they’re willing to help. Ask them why they think it’s not working for you so far. Don’t continually put them on the spot about why they themselves aren’t into you, but ask them why they think you don’t have a girlfriend now. You might be surprised at some people’s willingness to help you.

Ok, the eye contact thing is seriously something you will need to get over and not just for the girlfriend thing. I think you’d do yourself a lot of good by working on that sooner rather than later.

kevbo's avatar

Buy this book. You’ll never have to ask the question again.

marinelife's avatar

First, work on your self esteem. Women are attracted (just like all people are) to men who like themselves and are attractive. You have a very negative self image. There is no “nice and genuine guy” niche that you are stuck in. Women date nice guys all the time. Your assumption that no woman around you could like you is very negative.

Also, flirting is overrated. It is not some mysterious skill that you don’t have. It is a smile, a look, a shared joke.

Are there women that you are friends with that you would be interested in dating? Ask one out. That is how you start dating. You ask. What if she says no? Then you move on to the next girl you are interested in.

If you just can’t stand the idea of asking a friend, ask a girl in one of your classes that you have noticed, but do not know well. Ask her to go after class or to meet another time to have coffee and talk about the class.

When you get there smile, ask her about her interests. Tell her about your interests. Before the end of the coffee, ask her to dinner (or a movie or a concert).

Think of women as people. Think of dates as activities you do with others to have fun. No mystery here.

Jreemy's avatar

@cyndyh again, I don’t mean to say that I am trying to be something that I am not. I am the nice and genuine guy. Just my experiences thus far have shown that being myself doesn’t attract women. I suppose you are right about the “one woman”. I just can’t seem to grasp why everyone else around me has been successful in their relational endeavors.

@Marina, Haha, it is funny that you mention the self esteem thing. I have been trying to improve that for several years. I am fairly content with who I am at this point in time, the only thing I am not happy with is my weight (I have had these female friends of which I speak tell me that they are into thinner guys only). I also don’t want to come off as creepy just because I have asked someone out. I am not saying that I am creepy, I am just constantly worried about people misinterpreting things.

gailcalled's avatar

@Jreemy; do not take this as rude advice, but have you tried to eat better and exercise a little bit. College will have gym, outdoor track circuit, swimming pools, etc.) That will lift your spirits and perhaps raise your confidence more than a self-help book. And find an extra-curricular activity that suits you. There you will meet like-minded women.

Jreemy's avatar

@gailcalled, no offense taken. I eat healthy foods, I lay off the sweets, I try to refrain from fast food. I walk back and forth across campus 5 days out of the week and lift weights two of those days. I am attempting to replace fat with muscle. So, I do eat well and exercise daily. I also have genetics to thank for being large. I am honestly not a big fan of cakes and candy. So, I am currently working on the weight thing.

gailcalled's avatar

@Jreemy; Good for you. It will pay off soon, if it hasn’t already. But you did seem concerned about your weight. Being big is fine; particularly since you will become firmer. Have you counted calories? Sometimes we eat more than we realize. When I lost a lot of weight, I kept a food notebook and had a weekly app’t with nutritionist. He and his bills kept me on the straight and narrow (40 lbs.)

Good luck

PeterM's avatar

I know how it is. How do I know? Because I didn’t start dating until I was thirty-two. And I pretty much could have written exactly what you wrote, except for the “one girlfriend” part.

Eventually I did manage to start dating using a free online dating service (this was back before they started charging). Got date-raped (yes, a woman can do that to a man, and no, it isn’t funny despite how it might sound), and gave up on dating. Eventually, though, someone contacted me, and a while later we got married. Now we have a wonderful six-year-old boy, and I’m amazed at how full my life is – and how empty it had been before, without my ever realizing it.

That said…it was actually through my son that I found out why I’d been so shy with woman (except in a platonic sense) for all those years. He was diagnosed with nonverbal learning disorder (NVLD or NLD for short), and to my shock, it turned out that I had it too. From everything you’ve said, I wouldn’t be surprised if you had NVLD as well; it all fits.

NVLD is on the autism spectrum, but is the “mildest” disorder in the group. It’s characterized by difficulty reading non-verbal social cues. Typically people with NVLD feel uncomfortable at parties and similar social situations. They have outstanding verbal abilities, because they make much more use of that part of their brains to compensate for the difficulty of using non-verbal skills. NVLD could be called a “geek” disorder.

If you have NVLD, I’m sorry to say that there’s no cure; it’s genetic. But the good news is that there are ways to compensate. Therapy and training can definitely help you recognize and respond appropriately to non-verbal cues. And there are ways to work around the disability. For example, online dating worked much better for me, because I started out writing to women, rather than trying to talk to them in person and interpret their expressions, body language, and tone of voice. That way I got to know them better before jumping in blind, so to speak.

Good luck!

Jreemy's avatar

@PeterM, My sincere apologies on your poor experience in the past, and congratulations on your success afterward as well as the birth of your son. I looked up NVLD. I do exhibit some of the symptoms, but not the majority. Although I either don’t recognize “flirtatious behavior” or have never experienced it. I do tend to be a bit more eloquent in my writings(although it may not seem like it at the moment) but I am generally able to transfer that to actual auditory speech. I am extremely afraid of failure, which could be part of my reluctance to ask women out, and I choose my words very carefully in situations, which makes me reluctant to say things to people. I should probably mention that I do suffer from genetic depression as well as an odd type of anxiety disorder. Medicines help, but do not reduce my ineptitude with women unfortunately. I tried internet dating but that failed miserably, I tried eHarmony, Chemisty, Match, and a few others with zero results over the following months. This is not to say the internet dating sites are of poor quality. I have known many people who have found relationship partners upon sites such as these. As for emptiness, I know how empty my life is right now. I see all of my friends in relationships and I see how much happier they are now that they are in a relationship. Being 18 and having your endocrine system basically assault you with hormones doesn’t help either haha. Thank you for your wishes of luck by the way.

A recurring trend between women and myself is when I am about to share my feelings with a woman (I plan these things out), they tell me a day or so before the “scheduled event” that they are interested in “so-and-so” or that “so-and-so” who is their friend asked them out and they were creeped out because they were a close friend.

PeterM's avatar

@Jreemy: No need for apologies! None of my experience was your fault, of course. It was just genetics…with some upbringing factors, I suppose. It all worked out for me in the end, anyway.

Excuse me, I hear a six-year-old who needs to be calmed down…

I’m back.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to diagnose you. I was simply surprised at how much of what you said matched my own experience so accurately. I was trying to say that we tend to think that the “problem” is some failing in ourselves, and sometimes (perhaps often) it turns out that the real problem was not in our thinking, but rather our biochemistry.

Since you have depression, I assume you’ve had a full psychiatric evaluation. If not, it would be well worth looking into; you never know what you might find. And an accurate diagnosis might help a psychiatrist or psychologist treat you more effectively.

Weight loss – exercise, a healthy diet, regular and sufficient sleep – will both make you feel better about yourself, and improve your looks. Assuming you’re not already doing all that, of course.

But I want to stress this: don’t wait. You’re eighteen. I lost all that time; all my teen years, all of my twenties…and if I let myself dwell on all those lost years, it would be very hard to live with myself. Now I have my wife and son, and it’s more wonderful than I dreamed, but I will always have the inescapable thought of those wasted years. I hope to live to see my grandchildren grow up, some day, but…what I’m trying to say is that time is precious, and it goes more and more quickly. Blink at 18, and in an instant you’re in your forties.

Don’t waste that time. There’s no re-set button for life. Get therapy, get into better shape…do what you have to do to get out there and make the most of your life. Or you’ll regret it forever.

MissAnthrope's avatar

Get involved in activities that interest you. Join clubs, volunteer, take classes, etc. Focus on doing what makes you happy and you’d be surprised how it opens up your social circle. Meeting people who are like-minded or have similar interests makes it much easier to develop a friendship that could turn into something else.

Don’t worry about flirting as a “thing” you have to learn.. I think it happens naturally when you make a connection with someone. I’m gay, but occasionally I will find myself in a flirtatious conversation with a guy somewhere. It doesn’t mean much to me on the grand scale, considering my orientation, but I mention it because I find it just happens when you make a connection.

cyndyh's avatar

I just want to say a thing or two on learning to flirt or not worrying about it. I do think it can often come naturally, but sometimes it doesn’t. I had a friend in a very longterm relationship that ended badly. Once she was ready to start dating again she mentioned repeatedly that she “forgot how to flirt” and that “dating was so different now”. I think it can help to boost your confidence if you feel like you know how to handle flirting. Where I think it’s not the be-all-end-all to attracting a relationship, it’s worth it to talk about with friends so you can get more confident about how you are and aren’t reading things. Talking to female friends about this can be a good reality check. Then when you do make a connection with someone it may be a little easier to recognize.

@Jreemy: I can’t stress enough to ask the female friends that know you in person because I think they are the most likely people to be able to help with the specifics.

Ineedtoknow594's avatar

Love yourself. Accept yourself and let the world know you don’t give a damn what it thinks.
It doesn’t matter if you’re fat or you’re skinny. Confidence is something that makes people attractive. It does not matter your size. People can see how you feel about yourself. I just wonder how do you dress? Who are you around? Do you have any shine at all? (You know, something that makes you stand out) Being in the friendzone is hurting your confidence. You need to get out there and be willing to take some chances. Meet women you don’t know. Those friends you have should be the key to meeting more women. But if you’re not willing to show the world your true value, you can never expect others to see it. Basically put, if you want to feel like a million bucks, you need to dress like it. And just make it a point to love you. Women love confident, funny, and spontaneous dudes. Act like you want to be and soon you’ll be the way you act!

cyndyh's avatar

Ineedtoknow594: Well said in yet another thread! Welcome aboard!

Knotmyday's avatar

Try to involve yourself in altruistic activities. If you concentrate on helping others (food drives, hospices, weekend cleanups, charity events) you will shift your focus off yourself, and start building a healthier relational mindset.

Who knows, you might meet a like-minded female at one of the events.

A nickel’s worth of free advice: The fastest way to find a mate is to stop actively searching for one.

sundayBastard's avatar

Just act like a dick! Girls like that for some reason. it works. trust me and then when they get to know you. They think that your only nice to them and they feel special. everyone is a winner

MissAnthrope's avatar

^^^ Bad, bad advice. Bad.

I’ll tell you why. If I see my potential S.O. mistreating other people, I take that as a very good indication of their personality and at that point, it’s over for me. I only date people who are polite and civil, who treat others with respect.

I think some women like jerks, for various reasons including low self-esteem.. but I would say most girls are looking for someone nice who will treat them well.

cyndyh's avatar

Yeah, even when I was a teenager I didn’t go for that. If a guy acts like a dick most of us assume he is a dick.

gailcalled's avatar

And if a guy talks like a dick, he probably quacks like one and is, thus, a dick.

sundayBastard's avatar

Nah…...............just act like a dick.

gailcalled's avatar

^^^ still bad, bad advice. Bad.

cornbird's avatar

Anyone can attract the opposite sex, it is all about confidence. For me I have had alot of problem with that and is still having alot of trouble with that. I have been on a few dates and have had some good experiences. For a man, I think it is very important to be observant, especially to how a woman looks at you. Whenever you sit in a restuarant, or sit in class, try to just glance around and see if the womans eyes meet yours. If this happens, do it again and if her eyes meet yours again, then give her a smile and talk to her. Ask her what her name is and tell her alittle about yourself…most likely she will be asking for your number or will be making every effort to see you.

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