Social Question

Nomore_lockout's avatar

So...what should I do at this wedding?

Asked by Nomore_lockout (7046points) October 17th, 2020

Eldest granddaughter getting married next Sat. My daughter and S I L don’t like her boyfriend but they had better not ruin her Big Day with negative BS because I might walk the hell out. If I do does that make ME the bad guy? I throw myself at the mercy of the Jelly Court?!

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25 Answers

janbb's avatar

Yes, if you walk out you will be making the day about you and contributing to ruining her big day. Your job is to be there to support your granddaughter so if you need to, stay away from the negative family members and participate fully in the wedding.

Nomore_lockout's avatar

Stay away from my daughter at HER daughters wedding? Tough one. I mean my grand daughter and her Beau are 21 and 26 respectively, old enough to determine their own paths in life. If her parents and brother don’t like that tuff luck. Have to play it be ear I suppose.

janbb's avatar

It’s quite easy to keep your distance at a wedding without being obnoxious. I managed to be very involved at my son’s wedding, not snub my Ex and his new wife, but not let any feelings I had spoil the show.

If you think it would be more effective, you could speak to your daughter and SIL ahead of time and tell them you hope they will not spoil your granddaughter’s wedding whatever their feelings are.

Nomore_lockout's avatar

And by the the way, my daughter has always been a “daddy’s baby girl” type anyway so that makes it harder. Damn…

Nomore_lockout's avatar

Sounds like good advice Ms. Jan, I’ll take that under consideration..

Jeruba's avatar

I agree with @janbb 100%: don’t you be the one creating the drama. Do what you can for peace and joy. It’s not your day to be the center of attention.

Nomore_lockout's avatar

@Jeruba I agree with her too pretty much. Believe me I don’t want to see this thing go south on us. I do have a short fuse sometimes but only in certain types of situations I can’t go into here. But I try not to embarrass any one particulary in my own clan. But I am listening believe me. Otherwise I wouldn’t have come to strangers on the web for advice. Don’t mean that in an ugly way either. I love you peeps and I thank you. Just going to have to do some real hard thinking.

Jeruba's avatar

Someone who’s a better social strategist than I am might have a better idea, but I was thinking: what if you made it your business to shower attention on your daughter and try to keep her in a good place—thereby distracting her from acting out at the wedding?

Good of you to think our opinions count for something. We’re strangers, sure, but of course some of us are stranger than others.

LadyMarissa's avatar

I’m guessing that it bothers you more than it will bother your granddaughter!!! She’s used to the idea that her parents don’t approve of her choice & she’s getting married to him anyway. She doesn’t really care what her parents think & it seems obvious to me that she’s NOT looking for their approval, so chill out & play nice throughout the wedding. She may depend on you to hold it together. IF you walk out, you might well ruin her most perfect day. She’s old enough to take care of her parents herself!!!

Nomore_lockout's avatar

Good idea Jeruba might act on that. That didn’t even occur to me : )

Nomore_lockout's avatar

Agreed @ LadyMarissa

JLeslie's avatar

You can mingle and distance yourself if anyone is annoying you. Hopefully, they will be on their best behavior.

Jeruba's avatar

@JLeslie, he wants to keep his daughter from going off on his granddaughter.

Nomore_lockout's avatar

@Jeruba Bingo. That’s pretty much it in a nutshell.

JLeslie's avatar

@Jeruba I wouldn’t assume the daughter would do such a thing at the wedding.

I don’t think the grandfather should get too mixed up in it if it gets contentious. I guess if it starts to get out of hand he can tell his daughter calmly, “don’t ruin your daughter’s big day you will never forgive yourself and possibly never be forgiven.“ But it can backfire.

I like your idea to keep the daughter occupied, and try to keep things happy and calm, but that might not be easy to do for an extended amount of time.

I guess the OP could ask the daughter how she is feeling a day or two before. Kind of take her temperature on her mood. I wouldn’t come right out and say “don’t ruin the wedding“ without asking how she’s feeling. If she has all the right answers there is no reason to be an annoying lecturing parent. I don’t know how good the OP’s relationship is with his daughter and SIL. I know for me I can easily tell when my father wants to manipulate me. He says he doesn’t want to, but he does. In my head I’m thinking I’m not an idiot if what he is telling me seems obvious. I stifle as well as I can, but it is like a trigger for me, it’s very annoying. That’s me though, the OP’s daughter might be very different. Just have to be careful how it’s worded maybe.

Walking out of the wedding doesn’t sound good.

Is it a big wedding? Or, just a few people? It is the time of covid, which has pared down a lot of these events.

Nomore_lockout's avatar

Semi big but I asaume they’ ll be doing the distancing thing. Masking at a wedding would be a bit much.

jca2's avatar

Go there, be civil, smile and greet people nicely, and stay happy and normal, drama-free. Keep to yourself if you have to, but make sure you greet people appropriately when you are face to face with them.

Nomore_lockout's avatar

Well I always do that as a rule. This is a tad different but I will try to stand on the advice of the Jelly Court ; )

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Why don’t they like the fiancé?

Jeruba's avatar

When an old friend of mine got married, it was an occasion ripe for drama. (This was many years ago.)

The bride was a “princess” in a family of a very traditional Old-World culture. She didn’t want anyone on her side to know that the groom (my friend) was the son of divorced parents and himself a drug addict and small-time dealer with an incomplete education and no real career. As best I can remember, she was expecting him to shape up under her influence.

So she insisted that my friend’s parents, who hadn’t spoken in years and one of whom was remarried, be seated together as a couple at the wedding party’s head table. They were supposed to pretend they were still a marital unit.

They both tried to manage a show of cordiality without actually speaking. But my friend’s mother was pretty much of a, shall we say, harridan, so it was a long shot.

Well, my friend’s mother got into the champagne rather over her head, or maybe it was vodka, and before the end of the dinner there was a showdown at the head table. I think it was over the fact that the father had promised his current wife he would do the dinner and then just leave as quickly as possible, and the mother wanted him to stick around and dance with her.

If the bride’s family had known what their darling was getting into, they might well have disliked the fiancé. Some people actually seem to enjoy behaving badly and embarrassing everybody—have you noticed that?

So I wouldn’t place any bets ahead of such an event. Instead I would stay clear-headed and vigilant, ready to step in if necessary, in a de-escalating way, as a mother plans distractions she can spring on a child who is apt to throw a look-at-me tantrum when there’s company.

Some people, especially those who are a little bit spoiled, need special handling all their lives.

Nomore_lockout's avatar

@Pied_Pfeffer sorry missed you question wasn’t meaning to be rude. As far as why they don’t like him I really don’t know. I just hope it doesn’t spill over at the wedding.

Nomore_lockout's avatar

Follow up – Everything went well. Nice wedding and great time, no issues at all. : )

janbb's avatar

@Nomore_lockout I’ve often found that the things I worry about the most don’t come true. But it doesn’t stop my worrying the next time!

Nomore_lockout's avatar

Well there was one tiny issue. We walked in and there was a sign on a table loaded with tequila shots, that said take a shot and find a seat. So I took a shot and then my daughter accosted me and said, Dad those were for later, not now! I just told her, well the sign said take a shot and find a seat, so I took one and now I need a seat. LOL But all good after that.

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