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DeanDreamOG's avatar

Relationship Advice: Did I do it wrong/What should I have said?

Asked by DeanDreamOG (47points) January 25th, 2021

I’m 18 and my girlfriend (17) of 2 years told me she wants to go to church. I am… not exactly an atheist but close enough, for this argument. I have told her before that indoctrination is a huge deal-breaker of mine, if you want be be religious then go ahead but don’t bring me into it. She asked me last night and I told her I didn’t want to go and she knows I hate religion. She said either go or break up with her because she needs to stop having sex with me (yes it is legal, AL consent is 16 and no, she’s not my sister, thank you) and turn her (our) life around. I told her I would sit with her if she wants but I wasn’t going to listen to the sermon and I wasn’t going to care about it, but I’ll go for her sake. She got angry and told me we should just be friends, because, and I quote: “She doesn’t want to be with someone who won’t take her attempts to better her life seriously”, and that she just wants to help me be better. I’m summarizing of course, there was some yelling and personal verbal knives over the phone. I know I shouldn’t have been so cold to her but I was so appalled that she even asked me. I’m not asking sarcastically or looking for people to validate my actions, I just want a third party opinion: How much did I do wrong?

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18 Answers

chyna's avatar

First, in my opinion, stopping having sex now is kind of like trying to put the genie back in the bottle. Very hard to do.
If you are dead set against going to church, don’t go. Trust me, you will be sitting there with a bored or pissy look on your face, which will make your girlfriend even madder.
If this is a deal breaker for her, I would split up with her. She may start going to church and jump in with both feet, in which you won’t fit in, or she will start going and decide it’s not for her at this time in her life, but she has given you an ultimatum. Do you want someone telling you what to do your whole life.

jca2's avatar

I’d talk to her again, asking her if there’s something else going on. I’d ask her what brought her to this point, what her thoughts are. Listen to her and then make a decision. Having the conversation when you’re both not so angry is important.

KNOWITALL's avatar

I don’t feel you did anything wrong. You told her your feeling and were open about it.

She is evolving or trying a different path, so you can join her or simply move in another direction.

You mentioned some key words like athiest and sex even hate but never love. I’d say its time to move on.

DeanDreamOG's avatar

Thank you all for good and especially quick answers. KNOWITALL, you especially woke me up with the keywords comment…thank you all. I’m sad that this can’t work but I do want my freedom back.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@DeanDreamOG Sounds like you’ll both be happier but the heart sometimes has trouble realizing it. Luckily our brain is more trustworthy. Good luck!

DeanDreamOG's avatar

If the world was like this site, it would be a much more useful place. Thank you again.

smudges's avatar

Is this another possibility?: She already knew indoctrination is a huge deal-breaker of mine, if you want be be religious then go ahead but don’t bring me into it., so is it possible that she wants to break up and doesn’t have the balls to do it like a woman, or anyone, should?

Zaku's avatar

Yes, good observation, @KNOWITALL .

I’d say you did quite well. The mistake I see would be entertaining the idea of placating her, which you didn’t do. Good.

Just be straight about it with her and with yourself.

Since she said, “She doesn’t want to be with someone who won’t take her attempts to better her life seriously”, though, that tells you that she accepts her church’s moral judgement that her church activities “better her life” and that it’d be “better” if you came along and did listen, and no doubt it would be “better” if you fell in line with their church. It seems certain that even if she hasn’t said it directly, she hopes to convert you, and probably thinks you’ll burn in hell for eternity if you don’t embrace her church’s style of Christianity at some point.

So you should break up with her. You’ve got incompatible views on morality an religion. The longer you don’t break up, the worse the break up will be.

kritiper's avatar

Stand by your convictions. She and others will give you more respect if you do. To do what she wants would just make a liar and a hypocrite out of you for all to see. If it means the end of your relationship, then so be it. Be a man, not a mouse.

si3tech's avatar

@DeanDreamOG IMHO this is a sensitive subject/area to disagree. It was right to tell her how you feel/believe. She can either accept that or not.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Zaku Agreed. A lesser man would pretend awhile to keep the sex. ;)

elbanditoroso's avatar

The age part and the sex part are interesting, but not really relevant.

The fundamental issue here is your belief, and her belief, as it pertains to god, church, etc. Why? Not agreeing on that – belief system, higher being, and all that, appears to be central to her identity, and (perhaps) not central to yours. And belief or unbelief hits in some many different places are you get older, that a small difference becomes a great chasm.

You’re at the early side before much damage has been to either of you. My two cents: Break up now, because she’s not going to change, and it sounds like you won’t either – not that you should.

The one thing you absolutely should not do is to fake being a believer when you don’t feel it inside. That will tear you apart.

LostInParadise's avatar

I agree with the general sentiment about breaking up. You should explain your position first. Tell her that you have no objection to her going to church if she feels that makes her life better, but she needs to respect your lack of religious belief and disinclination to attend a church service. If she can’t do that then there is no choice but for the two of you to go your separate ways.

Nomore_lockout's avatar

For my money, go ahead and beak up. As my old pappy used to say, 5 years from now, you’ll never know the difference. At any rate, a relationship has to be a two way street. Sure you have to make some concessions, within reason. But that applies to her too. If she was really into you, then I don’t see why going to church or not going to church should be an issue anyway. And holding sex over your head is bull shit, you’re a young fella and that’s important to you. You’re not at an age where you could be content just sitting on the porch with her, and sipping coffee. Just my own two cents, hope it all works out.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Nomore_lockout It’s hard being a teenager in a religious area or family. Your hormones and brain are all caught up in the secular world, which is constantly at war with your upraising.

If I had to guess, she’s projecting blame onto the OP because she broke her religion’s rules. Likely on abstinence, based on the verbiage in the Q.

Nomore_lockout's avatar

@KNOWITALL Good point, I know where you’re coming from. I was a teen once myself. Musta been oh, around about 1890 or so. But raging hormones aside, I still say there has to be some give and take, even at that age. Love conquers all. The Wise Guy said that, not my Old Pappy. Pappy wouldn’t have said anything mushy. ; )

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Nomore_lockout If the OP had mentioned love even once, my answer would have been completely different. He’s fighting a battle he can’t win at this point.

Nomore_lockout's avatar

@KNOWITALL Well, point taken. I’m just assuming there is some love involved, maybe its just me. I could never get into a woman unless I had at least a modicum of emotion involved. Sex with out caring is just blah. Just as well go to a cat house. But he’s young, he’ll figure it out. She will too at some point.

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