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nikipedia's avatar

Can romantic feelings develop over time?

Asked by nikipedia (27509points) September 10th, 2008

Theoretical question: suppose you are dating someone who meets all your dating criteria but doesn’t give you butterflies. Can you develop romantic feelings for that person over time, or is it a not-now-not-ever scenario?

Stories encouraged.

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23 Answers

robmandu's avatar

I tried it once. Didn’t work.

flameboi's avatar

Nope, 85% of my relationships have been with the WRONG, yes W-R-O-N-G kind of girls, either didn’t match the dating criteria (not that smart/not that funny/not that well dressed, but everybody deserves a chance) or were totally a bad decision (matched the criteria, but no butterflies involved).
If you do it, you are in for a nasty (yes, very nasty) surprise :s
Examples:
I dated the hippie, smart, atractive free spirited girl. Result: didn’t work, she thought I was just too much (I still wonder what she meant with that)
I dated the know-it-all girl: Result: didn’t work, she cannot accept that she can’t always have the last word on everything
I dated a model: Result: collapse, do not date anyone from your office or work enviroment
I dated a normal girl. Result: She just kicked me out because she thought we were in different frecuencies (I’m not a radio for Chirst sake!)
I dated and fell in love with an over the top girl: Result: Years go by and I still love her
I dated a super duper hot girl. Result: She kicked me out becuase she was in love with someone else and now is married and has children.
I dated a not so cute girl: Result: She kicked me out because we were too different (yes, I am catholic, she was a witch)
I dated a college girl. Result: She kicked me out because she cannot stand that I have the life of an adult instead of a careless twentysomething normal guy

jasongarrett's avatar

My now-wife and I were friends for three years before we started dating.

Bri_L's avatar

it happened for me. A girl in high school. I had had a crush on her and she said nay but we were friends so I accepted that. Then she told me over time as she saw who I was, how I treated people, what I was like when i was away and not shy, how I treated everyone the same, how respectful I was she developed them. we dated for a year and a half and I discovered things about her that didn’t jive for me.

Tantigirl's avatar

My answer is, yes, you can. Need proof? My husband and I will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary next year.

Harp's avatar

There are plenty of anecdotes out of the cultures that practice arranged marriage. Not that there aren’t horror stories as well

robmandu's avatar

I read the question as, “Can you make yourself date someone in the hopes that true romantic feelings will someday develop?”

@Harp’s got a good point.

marissa's avatar

Yes and it is usually better that way, because when it takes time your romatic attraction comes from something that you have discovered about that person that is deeper than initial physical attraction, therefore it will usually still be there if and when the physical appearance that attracted you declines.

generalspecific's avatar

well.. if you have no feelings whatsoever, i definitely wouldn’t waste my time with the whole thing. but that’s just with me. i went on a few dates with one guy a while back, and i remember one time he kissed me and i was just like.. man i don’t waaaanna kiss him. it almost grossed me out. so i never actually got involved in a relationship with him which was a really good idea. you can always wait a while longer and just see how things go but i personally wouldn’t count on any tremendous feelings developing

Tantigirl's avatar

@marissa – exactly what happened with us. We were friends for at least a year before things went further.

hollywoodduck's avatar

I dated someone for three years and he was great but I just didn’t have butterflies for him, and I broke it off. I kept thinking I should love him, he’s great, but I just didn’t.

On the other hand, every man I’ve ever had butterflies for didn’t work out. Sooo…..

Judi's avatar

You need to rent Fiddler on the Roof.

MissAnthrope's avatar

I guess it’s possible. My gut says the odds aren’t great.

Actually, I’m sort of in this situation now. I went on a couple of dates with someone, had a great time, I think she’s way cool.. but… no butterflies. When we kissed, no spark. While we were kissing, I was kind of freaking out, like, do I really want this? I’m not enjoying this.. no.. I don’t want this.

I’m a mess right now anyway, so it’s bad timing.. but I think I am going to tell her I just want to be friends.

marissa's avatar

I definitely think that if a relationship is progressing and the other person is much more serious about you and the relationship than you are, then you need to be honest about it and not just keep going on with things hoping you will eventually like the person ‘that way’. That isn’t really being kind to the other person. However, if things are moving slowly or you are just friends that go out together occasionally, then I wouldn’t write them off as a possible love interest, I’d give it a little time to see where things go.

dollfacee's avatar

yes, because the more you are around them the more those feelings start to develop

marinelife's avatar

Sometimkes it can and sometimes it can’t. My husband and I knew each other as work friends for a couple of years before we started dating. There was liking and respect and the friend attraction. When we began to date, it was very hot.

It just depends on the people. On the other hand, I have male friends that I love as friends, but would never contemplate romantic feelings for in a million years.

Fieryspoon's avatar

Even if they can, it’s a pretty risky proposition. What if you stick with it for three years and then find out you can’t? Then it sucks for both of you even more.

I dated a girl for about six months, and we had been really close friends for the previous two years. I lived with her for about a year during that period as well. She wasn’t that in to me, and I was totally wild about her. During the entire time I was dating her, it felt like she was cheating on me, since I knew she didn’t love me. It ruined my self esteem and I lost the ability to stick up for myself. Eventually, she did cheat on me, because she didn’t want to disappoint me, because we had been such good friends, but she didn’t love me.

It sucked.

cyd's avatar

Well, you know, put it this way…I believe there has to be a connection, but deep down you know. just listen to your intuition.

justjan's avatar

Sure they can and so too can lust turn into friendship and frienship into lust and lust into love. There is no one certain path to a long lasting or successful relationship. If it works, it works…

Zen's avatar

Of course. It happens all the time. It’s called maturity.

lady4life's avatar

Yes it is possible..some people grow to love and honor each other .some people were not attracted at first and as time went by grew to deeply love each other..sometimes you have to put in time and work to see what is beneath the surface..if over time the feelings don’t come you can’t make them..they never will

TheOnlyException's avatar

It is not impossible.

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