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chinchin31's avatar

If your husband said or did these things below over the course of your marriage how would you feel?

Asked by chinchin31 (1808points) 3 weeks ago

1. He never acknowledges my birthday or our anniversary or other events.
2. When I ask him why he never acknowledges these things he says he is not a presents type of person or someone that thinks these things are important.
3. We discussed having 2 kids before marriage but having our first son had to be an argument before he gave in and now I want a second he also only agreed after several arguments with the final comment ” you will get “your” child.
4. When I gave birth to our son and he visited me at the hospital all he spoke about was him being lonely at home. He also started questioning me about recent job interviews instead of focusing on the birth and how I was feeling at the time having gone through a c-section.
5. He tells people we are not having any more kids in my presence even though we never even discussed this as a couple.
6. He expects me to give up my job and move countries for his career. When we get there he gets on my case for not having a job yet. He does not even care if I have a job I like. He just expects me to have one but he is always whining about not liking his jobs and that he has a right to change jobs and uproot our whole family if he does not. His words often are ” it is what is best for the family”.
7. When his parents insult me he never confronts them unless I threaten him. Instead he tries to say I should just ignore their comments and try to get along. So basically he does not care or does not think he should correct them because it is too uncomfortable for him.
8. Everytime his parents tell him to do something he acts on it but often ignores me when I ask him to do stuff .
9. He has to have the last say in most decisions.
10. He makes plans to do things without telling me without thinking that I might also want to do something on that day that would clash with his plans.
11. He values his mother’s opinion more than mine and would often allow her to stick her nose in our relationship. He sometimes does not set boundaries with her.

I am starting to feel like I am married to someone that is selfish and immature. Someone who only thinks of his own needs and feelings. I did not notice these things before marriage so I am not sure how to approach this as they are things I am realizing over time.

I talk to him about them. He says sorry but a few weeks later he behaves like this again.

What would you do?

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11 Answers

rebbel's avatar

I don’t know what is the opposite of keeper, but that word would be my suggestion.

He sounds like an egoist.

cookieman's avatar

I wouldn’t be with someone based solely on your first point — and then it gets progressively worse from there.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Likely I would feel disrespected and disappointed. If talking it out didn’t help, I would probably talk loudly, maybe forget to make him dinner, and definately tell his mom to shut her mean mouth.

jca2's avatar

My first thought is what country do you live in? I ask only because sometimes there are cultural differences that will make the husband value the in-laws (husband’s parents) equally or more than the wife’s.

Have you discussed going to a therapist together?

I would find it hard to tolerate his behavior, but I am wondering about the cultural thing (if this is another culture than my own) and also if you have discussed therapy to air your issues, since he seems oblivious that his behavior is hurtful.

chinchin31's avatar

@jca2 yes we are from different cultures but even people from his culture think it is weird.

janbb's avatar

We can all give hypothetical advice but you’re the one living with him. One thing I would definitely advise against is having a second child with him until you are sure you want to stay. It sounds like your marriage is on very rocky ground.

chyna's avatar

He is treating you like a second class citizen. If you have a daughter, you can be sure he will treat her badly, too.
I personally wouldn’t want to have this kind of marriage and some of the things you talk about are things my ex husband used to do. That’s why he is my ex.

Jeruba's avatar

@rebbel, in my lexicon, the opposite of keeper is dumper.

smudges's avatar

@chinchin31 I am starting to feel like I am married to someone that is selfish and immature.

That’s probably because he is selfish and immature, not to mention a male chauvinist. If it were me, I’d find a way to leave him.

And I’d advise that you absolutely should not have another child with him. Best of luck.

rebbel's avatar

@Jeruba Thank you!
That’s exactly what he sounds like, a dumper.
Would the person who dumps the dumper also be called a dumper, or rather a dumpster?

Kardamom's avatar

I’m guessing this guy showed all of the signs of a lack of care before you were married. I would have never gone forth with the relationship. If somehow this lack of caring was only noticed after the marriage, I certainly would never have considered having children with him, not two, not one. None. And then I would have asked my friends for recommendations for a good divorce lawyer. I’m having a hard time figuring out why you, or anyone else, would stay with someone like that. Is there physical abuse involved?

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