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Nimis's avatar

Can you be good friends without being honest friends?

Asked by Nimis (13222points) September 10th, 2008
Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

15 Answers

augustlan's avatar

Could you supply us with some context, please?

Nimis's avatar

Augustian: Sorry about that. I’m new and am not terribly great at formatting my questions. There is specific context to my own life, but I’d rather leave it open ended. Can you create your own narrative in order to answer the question?

trudacia's avatar

I have a few work friends that I spend time with, party with..but they don’t know the real me. I consider them “work friends” but not “real friends”. Not sure if you would consider that “dishonest” but there are many type of friends, you don’t have to spill your guts to all of them…

Nimis's avatar

Tru: That’s interesting. Do you consider your work self to not be your true self?

trudacia's avatar

@nimis, it’s the true me, but toned down for sure. My real friends know all the good and bad about me…I see no reason for my work friends or “temporary friends” to see every side of me. Let’s face it, you get close to your friends at work but it usually doesn’t last (for me anyway).

augustlan's avatar

Well, like Trudacia, I think there are friends and there are friends. Not every friendship has to be a deep, knowing friendship. Some people are more than aquaintances, but less than true friends. Those that fall into that category need not offer more than is asked. However, if asked I would tell the truth.

Also, Welcome to Fluther!

trudacia's avatar

@augustlan, well said!

bethbeth2404's avatar

I think friends should be honest know matter what! They are not really friends if they do not be honest with the other person!

Nimis's avatar

One of my closest friends and I have a lot of things that we don’t say to each other. We both realize this. We just don’t do anything about it. One day we were talking about why we don’t say these things. I said that I don’t say them because I’m afraid she won’t take it well. But offered to be upfront with her about it, if she was okay with it. She said that she doesn’t say them because she wouldn’t like herself if she did. That statement makes me scratch my head.

amurican's avatar

Having never met an honest person so I couldn’t say.

Nimis's avatar

Amuri: How would you define the grey area between honesty and sincerity?
I hadn’t really thought of it before, but I’m thinking perhaps
that honesty may be different for different people?

amurican's avatar

@N, Like the grey area we all have in terms of gender identity?

Soubresaut's avatar

You can be ok friends without being honest, but I think in general the more you’re honest, the closer the friendship, the less honest you are, the more separate you’ll be.

judyprays's avatar

“by keeping your feelings out of the relationship you are keeping an important part of your self out of the relationship”

this is from the book “difficult conversations” which is tangentially related but i HIGHLY recommend.

by the statement, “she doesn’t say them because she wouldn’t like herself if she did” – it sounds like she is having a difficult time being honest with herself, which is the step before being honest with each other.

another quote from the book is, “don’t bring down a wall unless you know why it was put up.” this quote really resonated with me because i’m an intimacy addict so for a long time i’d get really upset with any walls – but now i see some are there for a reason and that’s ok. is the lack of honesty an impediment to your vision of the ideal relationship with this person?

if you want to be emotionally intimate, for example – you need emotional honesty. if you want to play golf together, maybe you don’t.

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