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APansexualMess's avatar

[NSFW] What's wrong with me? What's going on inside my head that I can't understand?

Asked by APansexualMess (8points) 1 month ago

Okay so, first off, as far as I know I have never been sexually abused and if I was my mind blocked it out. Anyway, so ever since I was in approximately 2nd grade I’ve had these really, really weird fantasies. At first it started as weird sexualized overeating (I have no idea why) but then it began to devolve into Nudist scenarios and soon enough there was disgusting depictions of young children (like toddlers/babies) being… tortured. Ex. Hanging off of spikey fences from their.. privates, being placed into a fireplace, where I would then become the child. Eventually there was a torture table and a few other things. Creepy, disturbing, and gross I know. And as all of these fantazies/dreams were happening I would have these dreams of this wolfman who would come to people’s homes and steal their children. He would then torture them by cooking them, boiling them in stew, chopping them up, and putting ants and spiders.. up there. At the time I was maybe, 7–9 and so the privates weren’t explicit or anything. At this point I had been exposed to the internet and got into some.. pretty odd areas of the internet. Ex. Public chatrooms that exposed me to quite a lot of non-kid friendly content, the crazy world of “spanking porn” (I think I got there because I was researching the effects spanking had on kids or something, I hated that shit cus I was spanked all the damn time) Eventually I disassociated myself with that part of the internet and the fantasizes seemed to stop. I’m not sure when they came or when they left exactly, I just know it happened. Anyway, nothing really happened until 4th or 5th grade, I discovered, ya know, sexual crap. Somehow my 11/12 year old brain was curious about that shit, which grosses me out. I had a huge bout of “sexual discovery” if you wanna call it that. Eventually I started to have these really fucked up fantasizes of people, well, breaking into my house or snatching me up from the park and raping me. I don’t know why I had these thoughts and unfortunately I still sometimes have these thoughts/fantasizes. I now understand that I probably have a domination kink and probably a little bit of daddy issues (both sexually and otherwise lmao) But that still doesn’t completely explain these thoughts. Another issue I’ve been having is the fact that whenever I accidentally run across something like loli related porn (because that exists, I don’t know what I do to run across it) and I can’t help putting myself in the “loli’s” position. Is that fucked up? Probably. But that’s the problem, I don’t understand myself and I don’t know the cause of it. I’m kind of scared and worried and I can’t tell my therapist cus that is SUCH an awkward conversation, ya know?
Please help me understand this.. please.

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9 Answers

janbb's avatar

If this is for real, it is something you have to work on with your therapist, not us.

Tropical_Willie's avatar

Get to your therapist on the phone.

APansexualMess's avatar

THE PROBLEM IS I CAN’T TALK TO HER!!! T^T

Mimishu1995's avatar

Therapists exist for this kind of job. Go talk to her. This is not something a normal person can help you with.

Pandora's avatar

@APansexualMess You probably can’t tell her because you feel ashamed and you feel she may judge you. She may or may not. It’s quite possible the dreams don’t mean what you think they mean. Dreams of people or other things is hardly rarely someone else. Most of the time you are the other person in the dream So dreaming of such things about children could represent you as a child or how you feel about your sexuality.. But I could also be wrong because I’m not a doctor and you will need someone with years of experience and a degree in understanding the human mind to help you unravel what those dreams mean.
I’m sure your therapist has heard way worse. By the way, rape dreams are not uncommon. They aren’t about the sex act but sometimes about wanting to let go of control, or feeling powerless. But your therapist will be the only person who can help and if you still can’t talk to them then find another therapist.

Cupcake's avatar

This is a much bigger issue in your head than it probably is. Sounds like you were exposed to some internet stuff before you were developmentally ready for it. That you have these daydreams or fantasies or whatever means nothing in and of itself. That is causes you concern and distress is the thing to address. And if the thoughts are unwanted and intrusive, then address that as well. Don’t jump off the deep end and assume you have a fetish. There is a big fat line between fantasy and reality that only gets blurred if you want it to.

To be clear, a kink requires the presence of the kink object to be present for sexual arousal. If you are able to experience sexual arousal without these fantasies or domination role play, then it’s not a kink.

You’ve got a lot of judgement in your question details here. Like @Pandora said, rape fantasies are very common. Some of this might be a bit uncommon and strange, but makes sense given that you were exposed to some developmentally inappropriate internet things at a young age.

If you can’t say the words, print out your question and bring it to your therapist. Please let go of the shame.

janbb's avatar

Just one more thought, if you can’t talk to your therapist about this, maybe s/he is not the right therapist for you or maybe you have trust issues that need to be explored.

gorillapaws's avatar

To therapist: “I’ve been having unusual sexual thoughts for a long time. It’s been causing me a lot of angst. I’ve been reluctant to discuss this with you because it’s such an uncomfortable and awkward topic. What is the best way to approach my concerns?”

janbb's avatar

@gorillapaws Great wording!

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