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chengtt's avatar

How to deal with my parents?

Asked by chengtt (7points) 1 month ago

I have toxic father that want to controlling me even if I am over 25 years old.

When I graduate my high school, my father keep pressure me to study medicine or accountant in university. But I choose to study Software Engineering in university. My father disappointed with me at the first place.

After I graduate my university, I get my first job in TikTok as Software Engineer. And also spend some free time in cosplay community and making video in Tiktok. My father keep harassing me about “why you don’t find a job in Microsoft or Bank companies and why did you spend so much time in cosplaying and making Tiktok videos. You should spend more time with successful people and rich people but not with famous people instead”. But I don’t really care about him.

After 4 years, I change my job and join Google as Software Engineer. Due to convid-19, I spend most of the time in making Tiktok videos. But my father keep harassing by going to my house at night and calling my mobile phone during weekends. But I warned my father if you keep harassing me, I will going to call police. My father will harassing me every month.

Even though, my elder brother and mom helping me by telling my father “let him do something, what he love to do, why you keep pressure him.” My father reply “Join TikTok company is making indecent moral for public, Join Google company is for lazy people without an achievement and spend time in cosplaying community is for kid. My father say joining Microsoft will be successful like Bill Gates in future.”

My elder brother and mom advise me “to move house to somewhere where is far so that my father can’t find me in future and keep doing what you love to do don’t bother your father because he is just loser. If you join Microsoft or bank companies, he will show off to his elderly neighbors about “your children are loser, can’t compete with my son”.

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6 Answers

seawulf575's avatar

Not sure of the societal standards where you are from. But at 25, it is time to stand up to your father. When he comes to your house to harangue you, send him on his way. When he wants to tell you what you should do with your career, tell him thank you for the advice, and you will consider it, but your choices are your own.

The only down side to this approach is that he is likely to get very angry with you over it. And if you ever hit hard times that would require you to ask for help, you will have to eat a lot of crow and he will likely be worse than ever, if he helps you at all.

As a parent, I can tell you I always want my children to be happy, healthy, and to be self-sufficient. I want them to make choices and understand there are consequences that go with choices. And I want them to learn from their errors and experiences so they can continue to grow throughout their lives. I tried very hard not to tell them what they should or shouldn’t do. If I saw they had a good opportunity I would tell them why I felt it was a good opportunity, but wouldn’t get demanding or angry if they didn’t take it. It is their lives to lead…not mine.

Mimishu1995's avatar

You answered your question. Take your mom and brother’s advice and move away from him.

Zaku's avatar

As a software developer, why haven’t you prevented your father’s calls from making sounds when you don’t want to be disturbed, instead of considering calling the police?

The police don’t care if your dad is phoning you.

KNOWITALL's avatar

He just has a different idea for success than you. Does he understand TikTok or how you get your money?
If you ask him for money, that is probably why he is upset.
If you don’t it is just his idea versus your idea. So go along with him or just move away.
Or another option is to sit down face to face and see if he would like to see you happy or to never see you at all. Then it is his decision and you can’t be called a bad son.

tedibear's avatar

If you are meeting all of your expenses with no help from anyone else, then your father needs to back off. Even then, if it’s not his money, I don’t think he gets to say anything. If he won’t do that, then you have to decide if you want to cut off all contact with him.

IMHO, start with @Zaku‘s answer about your phone. That will give you a measure of peace. If you need more peace, then I would try talking to him the way @KNOWITALL suggested.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Sounds like your father is embarrassed of your cosplay videos.
Your job to him is respectable while the cosplay videos to him show that you are not serious and to him childish.
Don’t tell him about your cosplay, and .that is your hobby that could turn into more income.
That is the real stickler for him, I think.
To him you have one foot in reality and the other in fantasy and that is causing him worries.

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