Social Question

Pandora's avatar

What are the many reasons people don't date the nice girl or nice guy?

Asked by Pandora (30368points) 1 month ago

I had this discussion with my sister today and I know my reasons why I didn’t and also did like dating the nice guy but I want to hear other people’s reasons why they did and or didn’t.

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20 Answers

rockfan's avatar

Because most nice guys aren’t genuine. They’re insecure and tend be a bit defensive. I think there’s a major difference between being nice and being kind.

Zaku's avatar

I’ve never had any such attitude myself. Or maybe I’ve had the opposite… let’s see… pretty much every woman I was ever romantically interested in . . . I felt was a great person, beyond “nice”, whatever that means.

Oh, and the women who were interested in me where I didn’t reciprocate . . . nope, nothing to do with them being “too nice” . . . though maybe in a some cases, partly to do with them seeming a bit overly selfish.

Someone coming across as “fake nice” (or fake or not genuinely personally accessible in other ways) might have just been immediately ruled out and never considered though.

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Forever_Free's avatar

I never understood the big deal about the “Nice guy” or Nice Girl” topic.

Yes, many people hide behind trying to come across as being “Nice” in order to get something.

I suppose if a person is not being authentic they try to hide it in trying to cover their true selves as being “Nice”

I have also seen the “Nice” thing being a sign of a “People Pleaser”.

There is nothing wrong with being a “Nice person” if that is authentically who you are versus not just trying to get something.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Because “nice” people are often boring and predictable, bad people are much more exciting.
But Wuthering Heights is one of my favorite books, Heathcliff fan all the way. I like complicated personalities.

Kropotkin's avatar

From the research I’ve read, and somewhat observed anecdotally, there is some truth that the “not nice” (namely narcissists and psychopaths) do get more dates and sexual partners, and this seems to be largely true for men and women.

Interpersonal relationships of any sort (including non-sexual and non-romantic) invariably involve some sort of exploitative and competitive behaviour, and that’s going to favour some of the less “nice” traits.

Self-labelled “nice guys” that act creepy are another story.

kritiper's avatar

Because everyone assumes that the nice girl/guy already has a boy/girl friend.

raum's avatar

I think the whole idea of “nice” guys not getting the girl has low-key incel vibes.

It’s a strange entitlement to think girls should be falling over guys just because they’re treated like decent human beings.

Jeruba's avatar

I did date the nice guy. He was truly and deeply nice. We went steady for four years and then got engaged. At nearly the last minute I woke up and realized I couldn’t stand how nice he was. He was too soft and accommodating, and he offered no resistance. I was gagging on niceness. He might as well not have been there, except for a few things…that I realized I could live without.

I broke the engagement and canceled all the wedding plans, including the booked church and the ordered invitations.

After that I pretty much went for nice-ish guys, some of whom really weren’t. There was a bad side to that. But I think if I’d stuck with the first one, I’d have been ready to kill him or kill myself within a couple more years. For excessive, incurable, intolerable niceness.

Nice guys deserve to be loved and have happiness. But some of us need them to just have a bit of an edge to them and not be nutrient-free Mr. Marshmallow.

Pandora's avatar

@raum, Wow, that’s an interesting way to look at it. But you are right. I knew a guy when I was young who was way bigger and stronger than me who did several favors for me. Not really because I asked but he insisted. Then I thought okay, but when I started to figure out that he may have a crush on me, I told him it’s not necessary to do any favors for me because I would still like him as a friend. He then told me he wanted to be my boyfriend and I told him I could never see him more than a friend. He then accused me of using him and started to get physical when I tried to get away from him. That is when I got angry and terrified of him at the same time and told him he was hurting me and I would never date anyone who thought it was okay to hurt me. He had gripped my arm so tight he left a bruise on my arm. After that I not only didn’t trust nice guys, I also never dated anyone that was too tall or a guy that was overly built. But yes, he felt that being nice to me entitled him to be my boyfriend. Also, he knew my father had recently passed away and I was having a hard time dealing with that and I made it clear I wasn’t interested in dating.

@Jeruba, I couldn’t agree more. Sometimes being nice is like being checked out of living. I know someone that was that way for most of his life. It’s like nothing matters. Did your guy resist or just went with the flow of breaking up?

@Forever_Free and @rockfan, Yes, people pleasers often seem insincere.

As for the bad boy, I never was really interested in them either. Most of them were just selfish jerks. I liked the guy who was confident and stand up for themselves without needing everything to be about themself and their wants. Someone who could be nice but not checked out and who wasn’t afraid to tell me who they really are.

Jeruba's avatar

@Pandora, I broke up with him while we sat on a picnic blanket in the Boston Public Garden. I wanted to be in public and outdoors so he wouldn’t make a scene and I could get away if necessary. I gave him back his ring. He cried and sobbed but didn’t fight me.

Man, did I feel liberated. And I enjoyed my liberation, too. This was in about 1967.

Years later we did try once to reconnect, but two dates were enough.

Dutchess_III's avatar

^^^ your Mule carrying days!

omtatsat's avatar

Women are attracted to the bad guy because they want the challenge of converting him into a good guy

Pandora's avatar

@omtatsat Of all the statements here, I think yours is one I don’t agree with. The ones that truly go for the bad boy usually have low self-esteem and the bad boy can easily pick them out and make them feel like they are the ones that will keep them on the straight and narrow. It’s usually just an opposites attract situation. He knows he can’t manipulate someone like himself so he has to go for the innocent and naive female and he knows just how to manipulate her into believing that it’s different with her. Which then gets boring after the conquest and then he shows his real colors.

omtatsat's avatar

Well after all it’s first looks that are the most important irrespective of such things as ” nice “or ” bad ”. What always worried me a bit is when women would say ” he’s sweet ”. What do you ladies out there mean by that?

Dutchess_III's avatar

By “sweet” we mean he’s kind, gentle and thoughtful.

Kropotkin's avatar

@omtatsat I’ve seen enough ugly guys have a lot of success with women to conclude that looks are a minor variable at most.

What is more likely is that a lack of looks affects a lot of men’s confidence. A lack of looks is also used as a rationalisation when it’s really any number of other undesirable and unattractive traits.

omtatsat's avatar

@Dutchess_III Ohhhhh. Thanks. Because alot of girls ( ladies ) said that to me.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@omtatsat…..careful It could also be a veild insult or a passive way of trying to get rid of you.

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