General Question

uxme88's avatar

How do you discuss difficult topics with your child/children?

Asked by uxme88 (21points) 2 weeks ago

Think of a time you had to discuss something difficult with your child or children. How did they ask? What approach(es) did you take? How did it make you feel? What thoughts came to mind?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

16 Answers

seawulf575's avatar

My ex-wife was an animal hoarder. She had tons of animals and her house was filthy and smelly. My boys, when they were about 9 or 10, would have to go over there for visitation. When they came, they would get into my car and my eyes would almost water from the overwhelming stench of cat urine and other foul odors. I tried to tell them one time about the smell and they got very upset thinking I was just trying to attack their mother.

So, one time, when we got home I told them to go get a bath and to bring me their clothes. When one boy brought me his clothes, as soon as he walked away I put them into a plastic bag, tied it shut, put it into another plastic bag and then tied that one shut as well. The other boy brought me his clothes and I did the same thing. The next day, after they got home from school, I told the boys to come to the kitchen. I gave each boy the bag containing their clothes from the night before. I told the first to open it and to give a smell. He did so and snatched his head back in a hurry. I told the other boy to open his and give a smell.. He opted to pass.

I told them those were the clothes they had on last night when they came back from their mom’s house. I explained that was what they smell like when they come back from their mom’s. I told them I wasn’t trying to say anything about their mother or trying to come between them…I wanted them to have whatever sort of relationship they were going to have with their mother not to be tainted by my views. But I pointed out that smelling like that was not good. And I pointed out the fact that once they were immersed in the smell for a while they could no longer really notice it as much. But other people could. I told them it could be embarrassing and they could be viewed as “the smelly kids”. I said I didn’t want that for them and I was telling them so they would be aware and could do something about it.

After that, they still went gladly to their visitations with mom but as soon as they got home they stripped their clothes off, put them into the dirty clothes, and they ran for the shower, battling over who would get to shower first.

katewilliams's avatar

From what I have noticed, if you talk to your children like they’re adults ( without keeping things from them) they tend to empathise with you more.
That doesn’t mean you don’t have to censor, you just need to make them understand why there is even a need for censorship.

Forever_Free's avatar

My experiences on this has spanned topics from drug use, sex, divorce, peer pressure and more.
The conversations need to come from a calm and factual basis. It needs to be an open conversation that takes time to listen to their side. It may only be the start of a conversation that takes days or longer. Be prepared to answer things honestly. These can have lifelong impact for all parties involved.
For me I had a sense of loving care. The loving care of a parent helping to guide. The pride as a parent knowing they were not afraid to ask. The empathy to take in their side and feelings and help them through. The patience to not give them the answer or dictate what they need to do.
The genuine love for my parents who did the same thing to me when I was a child.
Overall the positive feeling of being there for them and strengthening the parent child relationship.

KRD's avatar

I would talk to them when you and your child are not busy or having a rough time with something so you don’t cause any bad things. Once the time is right tell them that you want to talk when they have a moment and tell them what you have to tell them.

ruiamsoru's avatar

It depends on their age and understanding ability. But being honest, straightforward, and using proper language terminology is helpful.

zenvelo's avatar

Similar to @seawulf575, the most difficult conversations have to do with communicating what is going on with the other parent.

I was told very early in the separation from my ex to never bad mouth her or make negatove remarks about her to the kids. Kids are resilient in ho wthey see one parent deal with the other, and they can tell if you are bing honest, or vindictive, or working towards being peaceful.

The toughest was explaining to my pre-teen kids that their mom was “not well” which is why she was in the hospital at Thanksgiving (she was on a psychiatric hold). I was honest with them but I did not go into detail with them. They had dealt with her enough on their own; any attempt to deny her condition would make them distrust me.

Caravanfan's avatar

I just talk to her straight. “I am concerned that you might be drinking too much.” (That didn’t happen as my daughter doesn’t drink too much, but that’s an example of how I would start the conversation.)

Dutchess_III's avatar

Shortly after her little sister was born, my 6 year old asked me “What would happen if a bear had a chicken and a chicken had a bear?”
I said “You’d have a dead chicken and a frustrated bear!”
She was not pleased with that response so I launched into the actual specifics.
She was totally grossed out!

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
Dutchess_III's avatar

When I was about 5 I was playing with the neighbor kids in their house.
At one point they had something to show me. It was a naked Barbie and a naked Ken doll. The Ken doll was on top of the Barbie.
They said “This is how babies are made!” Then they made me swear not to tell my Mom. I swore.
First chance I got I galloped home and asked Mom.
I’ll never forget how matter of factly she told me. (She was so volatile about nothing and everything.)
At the time it sounded absurd and I didn’t quite believe it. It wasn’t until I was about 12 and saw a stallion mount a mare that it clicked. “Oh! It gets hard!

(Looking back I’m pretty sure those girls were sexually abused. There were other instances they shared with me.)

JLeslie's avatar

No children here, but I was a young child at one point and still am my parents’ daughter.

Direct is best. Simple and short is good too. When kids are young let them ask questions and just answer what they ask, you don’t need to expound too much.

When my dad tries to tell me something in many different ways, multiple times, it just feels manipulative and annoying. He was always great answering questions I have, but when he’s concerned or anxious about life in general for me he is sometimes overwhelming and overbearing. He presents it like he is talking about another topic in a new way or a new discovery, but I’m not an idiot. That’s how it feels, like I want to say “I know what you’re getting at dad.” Sometimes I say it.

SQUEEKY2's avatar

I don’t we chose to skip parenthood and it’s been great.

KRD's avatar

I’m not a parent or a doctor but I know certain things.

seawulf575's avatar

@zenvelo I never bad-mouthed their mother to them and discouraged it from others around me. I did have an interesting discussion with my daughter one time. She was being a belligerent teen and we started into quite a row. She was all wound up and I was trying to make heads or tails of what was going on. At one point she told me that I was trying to buy her love. I told her to get her shoes on, we were going for a walk. She said she didn’t want to, I told her she didn’t have a choice.
We went for a walk and it allowed us to walk in silence a while, cooling down. I then broached the subject with her. I told her she said I was trying to buy her love. I told her I was baffled and asked what I ever bought her that made her think that. She was quiet for a few moments and finally said “you bought me a book one time”. I asked her if she felt I did that just to get in good with her or if I bought it because it was a book she wanted and I thought it would be nice. She agreed it wasn’t to try buying her love.
So then I touched on what ended up being the root of all the strife between her. I told her that when she said things like that, the impression I had was that she didn’t really think that, but that she had heard it somewhere. She was quiet for a bit and then said she had. Her mom and grandmother had both said it. I told her that was ok…I understand I cant control what others say about me. All I can do is to control what I say and do. I pointed out to her that I don’t talk bad to her about her mom or grandparents because they aren’t my mom or grandparents. They are hers. She deserves to have whatever relationship she wants with them; all I can do try not to make that relationship based on how I feel.

That conversation opened her eyes a bit

Response moderated (Spam)
KRD's avatar

@Waybay that can work.

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther