Social Question

Nomore_lockout's avatar

Am I right to be worried, or am I just a Jurassic fuddy duddy?

Asked by Nomore_lockout (7577points) 2 weeks ago

My middle granddaughter, who will be 13 in two weeks, went to a teeny bopper New Years Eve party the other night. My wife and son told me not to worry, but I still was, and kept calling until she got home. Justified, or am I reading too much into this?

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46 Answers

Nomore_lockout's avatar

Problem is, she is pretty developed for a young kid, and she was wearing a top that showed too much midriff. She assured us no boys would be there it was some female friends from school having the party and her parents would be there..didn’t want to rain on her parade, but her dad (my son) and my wife, the grandmother, overruled me when I told her to change tops. All went well I am told, but I don’t like my grand daughters dressing that way. Luckily my older one is a married adult now, and the little one is still only seven. I only have to sweat the teeny one right now. But I wonder if I was being overly concerned? Thoughts? And my wise acre son had found an old photo of myself and my wife when we were dating, and his mom was in skimpy cut off shorts and a revealing halter top. But that was a different era and has no bearing on my grand child. Note to self: hide that photo.

Sam4One's avatar

Well, I think it’s perfectly normal for you to be protective of her. But 10–18 is sort of the age when they start asking for personal space. But boys or no boys, sooner or later she is gonna have a boyfriend and get married, so you’ve to be well prepared for that. For now i think you should give her some space.

I am not saying to leave her be, just be cautious, no late nighters until she turns 16.. Be aware of all her friends, if possible, keep in touch with them whenever she goes out at night.
So it is life, she will grow up sooner or later and come around..

What she wears is up to her… it’s just sort of fashion to youngsters to dress wildly… most of it comes from movies and then when your friends starts to dress like that, you have that urge too. If you force her to change, she will throw tantrums and ,may even affect your relationship. Nothing can be done about that, once she grows she will understand a lot of things.

Like i said above, just be caution of her well being.

YARNLADY's avatar

I don’t allow my young teens to visit anyone’s home unless I have met the parents, and in most cases, visited the home myself.

Nomore_lockout's avatar

@YARNLADY Good advice but I am trying not to contradict my son and DIL. They both said she could go to this shin dig. I just didn’t approve of they top she was wearing. But when I told her to change I’m the Evil Ogre.

SergeantQueen's avatar

I would be annoyed as fuck if my grandparents did that. if your daughter says it’s fine, let her worry/handle it.

Also, stop sexualizing your granddaughter. Again, if your daughter approved of what she was wearing, stay out if it. She can wear what she wants, not really her control nor worry if others take issue with it. 13 year old boys, seems plenty old enough that they should be able to handle themselves around girls without touching them/getting perverted. If they can’t, then they need serious counselling plus their parents need to teach them more if they haven’t already.

ragingloli's avatar

This all started with Misty from Pokémon.

rebbel's avatar

Of course you (may) worry, you are a grandparent.
But, in my opinion, it is not your place/job to get involved (saying what she can/should or cant/shouldn’t do).
That’s her parents job (until she is old/responsible enough to make all her own decisions).
And rather than potentially making her feel awkward/self-aware about her body (and the possible looks, or worse, she receives), I would maybe talk with her (parents) about protective measures.
Both in preventing assault, and/or babies.

chyna's avatar

Who did you keep calling? The granddaughter or the parents?
I think you were out of line. You could state your opinion to your son/daughter, but after that, butt out.

KNOWITALL's avatar

My grandparents opinions carried far more weight than mom or step-dad, so while I may have been irritated, I would have listened.
As a 13 year old girl there is no way I’d have been allowed out in revealing clothes though. That’s a privelage that comes with age and wisdom, more like 17 or 18 years old.
In my opinion, you were right, she’s just too young.

Nomore_lockout's avatar

Kept calling my son and wife, not my G/D . I let her have fun, but I was sweating it though. First time for a party for her. And at her school dance last year, she had 4 different invites, from 4 different boys. So I see cause to worry a bit. And her parents, my son and DIL, ain’t the most responsible people on Earth.

canidmajor's avatar

Are you in any way a legal custodial guardian for your granddaughter? If not, then back off. Your assessment that ”And her parents, my son and DIL, ain’t the most responsible people on Earth.” is based on what? The fact that your granddaughter was wearing clothes you didn’t like?
Of course, feel any way you like, but you are likely alienating her parents, and they may well react (not unreasonably, IMO) by not allowing you as much contact as you have now.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I think the granddaughter lives with him, not her parents.
We need more info about the situation.

jca2's avatar

My daughter is 14 and I can tell you that most of her friends dress that way. She doesn’t, she’s into baggy clothes, but many other girls dress that way. I remember when I was that age, 40 years ago, that’s what we wore, too. Halter tops and stuff like that. I think it’s a fine line between disagreeing with what she’s wearing vs. making her ashamed of her body. Girls at that age (teens) really struggle with body image, when so much is on social media and TV with women dressing in revealing clothes. Girls that age want to fit in with what their friends are wearing, too. Since her friends likely are dressing that way, that’s what she’s going to want to wear.

canidmajor's avatar

@Dutchess_III, he said he kept calling her parents to see if she was home.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I agree with @jca2. Time to back down.

Thanks @canidmajor. I know he has some grandkids with him.
If she isn’t living with him how does he even know what she wore?

jca2's avatar

I think also you should be very careful how you react when you see her in person, @Nomore_lockout. If you’re leering at her, making comments about her clothes and her body, or giving her the side-eye, you’re likelky to shame her and embarass her, and she’s not going to want to see you, no matter how much she may like you.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Never mention her clothes.
I learned early on that it didn’t matter what I wore I was going to get leered at. Wearing anything slightly revealing made it 10x worse.
I chose to wear loose, non revealing clothes of any kind, like overalls. But that was just me. Some girls like the attention, so I’ve heard.
Once, at a party, I was wearing a loose button down cotton shirt and jeans. I had it buttoned high enough so there was no chance of 36C cleavage showing. It wasn’t all the way up to my neck by any means..
At one point my girlfriend came upto me and unbuttoned the top button that I has buttoned and told me to relax, and I looked so uptight.
Without a word I rebuttoned that button.

product's avatar

I’ll be honest – if you were my kids’ grandparent, did that, and didn’t apologize and promise never to do that shit again, I’d kick you the fuck out of my house and you’d have to find some new grandkids to harass.

@Nomore_lockout: “My wife and son told me not to worry”

That’s a polite way of telling you to back the fuck off.

@Nomore_lockout: “but I still was, and kept calling until she got home”

I would help my daughter configure a block of your phone number. That’s messed up.

product's avatar

I made the mistake of reading your follow-up comment…

@Nomore_lockout: “Problem is, she is pretty developed for a young kid, and she was wearing a top that showed too much midriff.”

That’s some creepy pedo stuff right here. You’re sexualizing your granddaughter!?

@Nomore_lockout: ” All went well I am told, but I don’t like my grand daughters dressing that way.”

And you’re comfortable judging the way she dresses?

@Nomore_lockout: “But that was a different era and has no bearing on my grand child.”

None of this has anything to do with your grand child. You need to figure out your own stuff right now. Sexualizing your granddaughter, wanting to control her choice of clothing, distrusting and undermining her parents are all pretty fucked up. What’s your end goal here?

Nomore_lockout's avatar

I’d kick you the fuck out of my house and you’d have to find some new grandkids to harass / My House, I could kick them out / distrusting and undermining her parents are all pretty fucked up. What’s your end goal here? The DIL has a baby (from an affair) The WE and my son are raising, and we love him like our own – don’t presume to preach to me / ZILCH help from her side of the family / I would help my daughter configure a block of your phone number. / yeah, good luck with that it was a phone my wife and I PAID fpr and still are, and gave our granddaughter / exualizing your granddaughter, wanting to control her choice of clothing, distrusting and undermining her parents are all pretty fucked up. What’s your end goal here? WTF? I am NOT sexualizing my granddaughter; I was only worried about the top she was wearing and felt it was inappropriate – and still do. I’m out, appreciate
all the hate. And as I sated above, I was not calling the granddaughter, I was calling MY house, to see if my SON and WIFE had heard from her.

canidmajor's avatar

Maybe @Nomore_lockout should stop asking all these questions where a) he only wants us to agree with him and b) he is implying that his wife is an idiot for not.

SergeantQueen's avatar

They may live in your house, but she is not your fucking kid. Leave her the fuck alone and let your SON (Or whoever her real parents are) do the parenting. Simple as that.

@canidmajor I agree. Seriously, what response was he expecting? “Oh, It’s okay to harass your granddaughter when literally everyone in that house is telling you to stop?”

Just because it’s your house, does not mean you get to interfere on other people’s shit.

also what is the point of the _“The DIL has a baby (From an affair)” Who cares? If your son is raising it as his own, then it doesn’t matter.

And my wise acre son had found an old photo of myself and my wife when we were dating, and his mom was in skimpy cut off shorts and a revealing halter top. But that was a different era and has no bearing on my grand child. Note to self: hide that photo.”

What does a different era have to do with it? Why would it not be the same? How old was your wife? Why was she wearing such revealing clothes at that time?

Do you see why your concern over the outfit is stupid? Especially when her actual parent says it’s okay?

SergeantQueen's avatar

You want to be a parent so damn badly, then have another child with your wife. Otherwise sit back, relax, and let your son raise his daughter. You are constantly over stepping on this girls life, I feel bad for her. I’d never want to be around you if I was her.

SergeantQueen's avatar

Oh, he deleted his account.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Sexual harrassment wasn’t in some bygone era. It’s happening now just like it always has.
I don’t blame he for being worried because his grand daughter will be facing that Fd up behavior soon, if she hasn’t already. And it won’t matter how she’s dressed.

But I am so confused with the living arrangement! I’ll ask him on FB.

SergeantQueen's avatar

I’m blocked on FB.

Yeah
“It was a different era” Maybe with sexual harassment being a lot more “normalized” and people not reporting it as much. At least based on what I’ve heard, that’s why you get the idiots who say “wow I can’t even compliment a woman anymore” as if saying that a woman has a nice ass was ever truly okay.

product's avatar

in all seriousness, @Nomore_lockout – if you’re still lurking…

@Nomore_lockout: “I’m out, appreciate all the hate.”

You posted a description of you engaging in some rather offensive behavior, and justified it with some good old fashioned sexism, creepy pedo vibes, and a last post that was incoherent. I don’t think people were hating on you as much as trying to get you to realize what you were doing.

It’s clear you feel pretty strongly about this, and you’re very upset. Many of us have pushed the eject button out of frustration a few times. But we come back. I hope you’re able to get a drink of water and reflect on some of the feedback that you have received here. I promise you that there is not a case of people deciding to randomly start hating on you. There are some real objections to your mindset and behavior (as you expressed it). Maybe you can come back here some day with new insight. Or maybe you’re able to take this insight to your interactions with your family, which is far more important. Take care.

Dutchess_III's avatar

He told me he’s trying to prevent his granddaughter from getting
sexually harassed. He comes from a generation where they blamed women for it.
I told him “I understand your point. But know this….you can’t prevent it. It’s a fact in every female’s life. All you can do is let her know she can come to you for anything.. she can tell you anything AND YOU WON’T FREAK OUT. That’s the reason I never said anything to my dad when the neighbor attacked me, or all the other instances.
Above all, you won’t blame her for ANY reason.
It. Does. Not. Matter. What. She. Wears. It will happen anyway.”

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Dutchess_III Yes, just a worried grandpa who thinks his kid, her parents, make some bad decisions as parents. I’ve heard you and a few others tell similar stories. Calling the man a pedo is out of line though, pretty sure they still kill those in Texas.

Dutchess_III's avatar

When I was about that age, 12 or so, I went to some teen function. I put on my gogo boots and rolled the waist band of my skirt up so high you could probably see my butt! But that was the fad. Go go boots and micro mini skirts. My parents didn’t say a word!
I think I would say a word.

jca2's avatar

Girls that age are clueless. My daughter, when she was 12, and wearing baggy hoodies like she does now, was walking on a city street with me about 10 feet behind her (so this was two years ago). Some guy who had to be at least 25 standing on the sidewalk said hi to her. She was looking straight ahead, not even noticing him. I responded “She’s 12.” He started apologizing profusely. I see guys in stores looking at her, and I know she looks 18 because a lot of people tell me. I see how some of her friends dress and I know it’s what the majority of kids wear.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Once my family was on a road trip
We stopped at a hotel that featured a band called Bubba Jay And The Rednecks.
So dad took me on a date that night. Front row.
At one point, during a break, the lead singer asked, from the stage, how old I was.
My dad turned on his Texas drawl and said “She’s 13. Jiiist 13.”
Unmistakable warning in his voice. Made me mad! I had no idea what the warning was about, or the reason for it, but the men knew.
I only thought “I AM NOT A CHILD!!!” Duh.

rebbel's avatar

One wonders what the guy was on about then.
Weird question…

Dutchess_III's avatar

He was trying to protect his granddaughter in his own way.

rebbel's avatar

I meant the singer’s words.

Jonsblond's avatar

These answers are so messed up. No more is a good man! I swear some of you just love to be judgmental. He’s not a perv and he’s not a creep. I’m with you on this @KNOWITALL. Now a good man is gone from this site.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@canidmajor…the granddaughter and her dad do live with Nomore, but he was at work when it went down.

SergeantQueen's avatar

Nothing messed up or judgy about my answer. Only the truth. He can’t take it, that’s his issue.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Point is, we all know this is not a safe space. You ask a question, you get a variety of viewpoints you may or may not agree with.
Personally I see a Boomer from Texas trying to help them out by letting them live there. Maybe he’s seen other bad decisions and overreacted, but they aren’t at a homeless shelter or on the streets.

Forever_Free's avatar

Just don’t do that stuff. It’s not your place. There are books on how to be better grandparents. It’s right net to the section on how to be better parents. You may have missed that section too.

canidmajor's avatar

He never did answer my question, whether or not he has any kind of legal, custodial, guardianship. It’s a nice thing, yes, to have them living with him, but it doesn’t give him rights over how she dresses, what she eats, who her friends are, stuff like that. It allows him some opinions about what goes on in house but really, nothing else.

He should know by now, after having multiple accounts here, that he will get a variety of responses, some that he won’t like.

JLoon's avatar

Jeezus.

Coming on this late and reading it all now is actually painful.

I think I disagree with Nomore_Lockout’s level of concern in this situation, and maybe his view of responsibility as grandparent. But frankly, I’m also shocked that so many of the responses posted here became so bitter so quickly. Whenever anyone shares their private thoughts & doubts in this kind of environment they put their trust in a community they think they know – but they also risk being completely misunderstood.

I think that’s what happened here, and there are probably lessons for everyone.

Dutchess_III's avatar

^^^ (Welcome to Fluther)

KNOWITALL's avatar

@all
It’s all good, several of us are still friends outside this site. It’s likely he won’t be back so no need to worry about this particular situation.

SergeantQueen's avatar

I’m not losing sleep over this lol

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