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Autism and depression what should I do?

Asked by raiden88 (93points) May 21st, 2022

I’m 34 years old. I still live with my parents, though I sometimes wish I could live somewhat on my own in a nearby apartment. When I was 24 years old, I went to a psychiatrist and he gave me a medicine called phentermine. It helped me with my appetite and I worked out, ate healthier and lost a lot of weight and put on muscle.
I maintained all that for two and a half years until sometime after I turned 26 years old. I got infatuated with someone and depression began to sink in, and I’ve been depressed for nearly nine years now. Especially since I began to have more reasons to feel this way because of what I’ve been forced to endure in my past when I was a kid, and in my teens. My parents don’t understand me or what I go through and sometimes I feel my dad treats me like a little kid since I’m the youngest guy in the family.
I’ve been on prozac for years since I was 16 and I saw a different psychiatrist back then. Now I’m on different meds and they’re making a little difference in my depression but not much. I’m very cynical about human life and life in general as a result. I’m very vulnerable to many things including the news shown on the internet. I feel I’ve lost some of my humanity through the years in that I’ve become somewhat emotionally hardened and deadened.
I have no faith in any religion or anything that has to do with God or Jesus as I think the bible and other religious stories are nothing but fiction and fantasy, and whatever truth those stories said are fictionalized versions of the truth. Yet I still believe in a spiritual place called Heaven where human souls go when they die, even the physical form will stay dead. I’m disillusioned with life in general. I’ve never been very confident in myself or about things in my life because of what I have endured for so long. I have no support system as my sister stopped supporting me a few months ago, and now I have absolutely no one to talk to but my psychiatrist. I have moments when I feel happy, and I try every day to do things to distract me from my misery. I have times when I feel okay but not great like it used to be. My best years which were 24, and 25 years old are way behind me, and I’m more overweight than ever, and my appetite’s gone up. Sometimes I think about smoking and alcohol just to briefly numb the pain I go through which I never do currently. I have hardly any prospect of ever having any real romantic love in my life. I really wish I could find a girl who has similarities to me as far as personality and beliefs go. I feel there ain’t a whole lot that can be done to treat autism and depression let alone cure them. I feel all alone and no one cares or understands me and they expect me to be just like everyone else which really sucks. I live in Kingwood, TX by the way. I’m afraid unless I find a way to end my life and put myself to sleep honorably and make it as painless as possible, I’m doomed to live out the rest of my life and possibly eternity in my current state of misery. I’d rather be dead and living in the Heavens than be on this god-forsaken earth. I have no plans of dying as of yet, and I never told my doctor about dying as they’ll put you in a hospital and it’d be the very same thing as being thrown in the slammer. I’ve been there once and it didn’t really help me a bit. I drive and I’m a decent driver, but didn’t start driving until I was around 21. I’d like to live again, but they way things are right now, there’s only seemingly so much that can be done to treat this stuff I’m going through. If there is nothing more that can be done, to be honest I’d rather find someone who can help me end my life through euthenization even if done illegally. I’m sick and tired of being in this misery and hopelessness. I’ve had a job once that I really liked working on computers and things of that nature and I did so for about a year I believe. Someone please help me! I need a reason to live again and not because of parents or family or anything else, and I have only one real friend. And even then I’ve lost my emotional attachment to him. I don’t feel emotionally attached to anyone and I feel I don’t love anybody. Is there someplace where it can be a safe haven for people like me who go through the same or similar things I’m going through. At times, I wonder if moving to Canada or at least staying there for a month or two would help. Any help or advice you can give me would be appreciated. Thanks very much.

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