How do I tell my wife it’s ok to cheat?

Wow! This is real life. I am so sorry for the angst you going thru.
I just don’t agree with the premise of your question. Cheating just
complicates things way too much. You sound like you don’t need
complications right now. Good luck to you and keep fighting!

Under those circumstances, I would not call it cheating at all. I am so sorry for the conditions that have brought you to this point. I think the loyalty and faithfulness that your wife has shown you are mirrored in the loving generosity that you want to extend to her.

First, I would say that since you do talk to each other, an opening is sure to occur, if you listen for it. Take it naturally when it does.

Second, I would suggest a gentle approach, along the lines of “I’ve been thinking about monogamy and what it means to both of us in recent years.” See where that leads. You can tell her, when it’s right, that it would give you joy to release her from that vow if she finds someone that she would like to be close to in a way that she no longer can with you.

Third, the fact that he is married is a huge complication. I don’t think I need to explain that. I just hope that someone with her principles would not seek comfort by destroying someone else’s.

First, welcome to Fluther.

I’d echo @Jeruba‘s excellent advice. Having an open marriage isn’t cheating when it’s being discussed agreed to and there’s no deception. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you both and I wanted to pass on my very best wishes to you.

I would also advise against bringing your wife’s married coworker into this. Because it could 1. ruin his marriage, and 2. complicate your wife’s career.

Thankyou for your answers and apologies, in my haste I don’t think I outlined the situation very well. My wife & her colleague both work for the NHS he’s from Senegal and has been separate from his wife for two years working in the UK. Obviously information is limited but from what I can gather he has children but has no intention of returning to Senegal or bringing his family here. Yes my wife is principled, but there is a connection there and I wonder if I should say nothing and let things run and turn a blind eye or effectively give my approval

She does not sound like someone who wants to ask for your blessing to go further.

She does sound like someone who wants you to offer and is trying to give you opportunities.

If you raise the subject—“Is it time for us to talk about our marriage once again?”—and she does not want to, then you’ve misread her cues and you should drop it.

She’s out dress shopping today ironically for a works function in a week or so’s time, with friends, one I know he’s attending. I may talk before she departs then cook a nice meal this evening.

@Davep I give you a lot of credit for confronting this issue so honestly and like @Jeruba, I would advise opening the conversation with her. Since you have what seems to be a good relationship I would think it is an issue worth exploring. One caveat I would raise is whether you want her to seek intimacy elsewhere or just sexual satisfaction. I would be concerned perhaps if I were you that this friendship with the Senegalese co-worker could drift into a relationship that might threaten yours. Perhaps a marital therapist might help you both establish what the parameters of an open relationship might entail for you both – there are many different ways to establish one.

Another thought I have which you may have already explored is that there are many and often better ways for a woman to be sexually satisfied than penetration. If you’re willing, and again, I don’t know if you’ve tried this, sex toys or oral sex may be very satisfying for her and you might enjoy her pleasure.

No need to respond, these are just suggestions. I think it’s great that you’re willing to address this with her and have come here for our thoughts too.

Some people are too honest to cheat. When they do, they cheat themselves.

I’m reading all these responses and thinking wow! How can I (at 30) be so wrong?
Straight up, my grandparents taught me it’s wrong to break someones’ trust. No you
say! He knew this is happening.

If I ever exchange vows I would never break them. Nothing to do with religion and I
think divorce is a legit thing! Maybe I spout all because I’m single. My father left
my mom when she developed mental health issues and giving him 5 children!

At 30, @WhyNow, you have a long way to go. Give it another 20 years or so.

Maybe come back then and ask yourself if you’ve attained a different understanding of “cheating” and of the many dimensions that may exist within the framework of a marriage.

Meanwhile, your open-mindedness (“How can I (at 30) be so wrong?”) is commendable.

I commend you for having your partner’s wellbeing as a priority.
Most of us want/need sex, and if it’s missing because of whatever issue, it is a “generous” thing to be open about a partner having the possibility to have sex outside of the marriage/relationship.
Be totally open and sincere about it to them.
Say that all you have in mind is their feeling good.
In the end it might possibly be also good for your (both) relationship as a whole.
Office course, with a potential minefield that this subject can be, I would weigh my words carefully, but as long as you keep it sensible, and sincere, I think this could work out.
The conversation, that is, initially.
Good luck.

I advise to keep your marriage intact and be playful with her. There are many ways you can satisfy her. Have you looked around a sex shop? I wish you well…..until death do you part.

I’d consider writing her a love letter and including this option as a gesture of true love and affection.

That’s a new one on me. I have heard of guys who “scale down” as they get older, and and go after younger women. I guess a woman can do the same. More so if you give her your blessings on it. I’d never go for that but whatever floats your stick. It’s your life pal.