As a parent would it be easier to deal with a gay child, or a transgender child?

When you say “deal with”…

@cookieman I mean no ill content at all, I mean mentally, emotionally as a parent what would be easier?

The gay child.
Because for now, at least you would not have to deal with being called a child abuser/groomer/paedophile for supporting your trans kid.
Though that will change really soon, too.

Or how about a heterosexual child that’s a heroin addict?
We should have a parental Olympics to see which child is harder to raise.

How about a heterosexual child that grows up and shoots a bunch of people at a grocery store with the N word written in the barrel?

Or trying to raise a kid that gets into gang activity because they can actually make some money and feel like they belong somewhere?

I wonder who has it the worst because that’s totally what matters right?

@Blackberry
Comparing a child who happens to be gay/trans to kids who become criminals. Nice.

Raising any child that is likely to face harsh judgement for simply existing is hard. There really is no competition here. My child is a bastard (actual, by definition, bastard) and has had to face some crap because of it. My friend’s child was born with a deformed foot, crap again. Another friend’s child became a nun. Crap again. Children of color, different ethnicities, etc etc etc, crap again. We raise our children to know that we support them, love them, don’t judge them harshly for being who they are. It is that simple, and that complex.

Our children are people first, everything else is simply an add on.

@ragingloli I don’t think that was what @Blackberry was saying. He can defend himself but I believe he was saying there are possible outcomes that are really concerning.

I don’t have any children of my own BUT I would think of my child as an individual person and his/hers sexuality should not be an issue to be “solved” Some people are terrible to others no matter what the perceived “problem” is. Love your child for being your child.

There is nothing “easy” about raising any child.

@ragingloli
Yea sorry, he was making it seem like no one has issues raising kids.

Well, my parents disowned me when they found out I was gay, so there you have it.

I think homosexuality is more accepted and understood (in some places at least) and it really requires no action on the part of parents other than acceptance (and sadly, many gay kids do not even get that). Homosexuality and heterosexuality are not radically different, despite how many people think of them.

Raising a trans kid is more “involved”, for lack of a better term (due to supporting transitioning, living as the other gender at school) and as @ragingloli said it is currently more stigmatized (though like him, I’m not confident that this “groomer” bullshit won’t spread to parents of homosexual kids as well).

Your question, as asked, glaringly shows you’re not a parent.

As a parent, I love my children unconditionally, that’s it…the end.

As a bi mom my approach would be to make sure they were the best queer/lez/tranny ever.

I’ll pay for lessons, team uniforms, camp fees, tutoring, anything it takes. And pagents – I want my beautiful baby to get a tiara. BECAUSE I’M RAISING A WINNER, HEAR ME?!

I have a gay transgender son.

@ragingloli is correct. I’ve needed to worry about people reporting me for child abuse because I accept my son and helped him to receive the medical care he needed to survive.

Please don’t use the word tranny, ffs.

@bttrfld…watever – No baby I have is ever going to be afraid of “disappointment”.

But just to make sure, they won’t be listening to Elton John or Chicago either.

@SusiesEuthenasia – I’m working on it.

I think the answers to this question are quite revealing. It shows exactly why it is very difficult raising a transgender child. The topic of the OP is gay and/or transgender, yet parents who don’t have either need to chime in about how difficult their child was to raise.

Did your child get bullied for using a bathroom? Did you or your child get death threats? Do you know the percentage of trans children who try to commit suicide? Has anyone called authorities on you because they think you abuse your child ONLY because you accept them and take them to get medical help?

Yes, ALL children can be difficult, but being transgender is a different circumstance. Your whataboutism lessens the hardships trans and gay children face.

SHIT! This is why text makes me mad ,as I said I mean it with no ill will either way I was wondering as a parent what would you find easier to deal with a gay child or a transgender one.
OF course you love your child no matter what but that wasn’t the question.
Would it be easier mentally or emotionally on you as a parent if you had to deal with a gay child or a transgender one?

By the way @Jonsblond great answer.

I think transgender would be more difficult in most circumstances. In some communities that are not accepting and outright shun or torment people for anything outside of the norm it would be extremely difficult. Children already deal with worries about fitting in, and then add being gay or transgender it can be really scary, depressing, and anxiety provoking for the child and the parents.

I’m not a parent, but I’m pretty sure I would be much more concerned about my child’s happiness and being accepted if he/she were transgender, and there is the added element of them wanting to possibly hormonally or surgically alter their body. That would be extremely difficult for me. I’m nervous about taking hormones and surgery in the best circumstances, let alone it being my child at a young age. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t handle it well.

@JLeslie that’s the feeling I am getting as well,BUT I am not a parent and wanted to hear from parents on this.
We have neighbours that have a transgender teen ager and was wondering about it.

Well, no, @SQUEEKY2, see @Hawaii_Jake’s post.
And while I appreciate that now you are concerned about the specificity of the answers, maybe next time put the Q in General, and request that only parents of gay or trans people answer.

@SQUEEKY2 Well, as far as I know @Jonsblond is the only parent of a transgender child in the collective so she is the only one who can fully understand all of the emotions and real life challenges with the situation. We used to have a transgender jelliy, two maybe? I don’t remember their names, but they weren’t the parents.

This isn’t just directed at Transgender parents but all parents ,with the question what would be easier to deal with.

I’d refrain from asking parents without gay or transgender kids to speculate.

I get that you didn’t mean anything by it, but I’m not sure if anything productive can come from this question. :/

@SQUEEKY2 I’m not sure why you would be so interested in people hypothesizing what it would be like, although obviously I gave my own guess.

Some things are difficult to really imagine unless you’ve been through it. We can guess, but usually parenting is harder than someone can imagine, and add in a difficult situation to the parenting and that’s also likely to be harder than someone would imagine.

The only person who can truly compare is people who have both a gay child and a trans child. Even then, each child is different in how they handle things. Plus, look at @Jonsblond’s situation, the town she lived in in IL was horrible regarding their situation, while her new city in WI has made things considerably better. That’s how it seems anyway. She can correct me if I’m wrong. So many factors.

Maybe you meant harder for the parent, as in more upsetting or disappointing for the parent? I was thinking harder in terms of worrying about my child.

@Jonsblond
Thanks for clearing that up.
The hardships are definitely harder, especially if you live in small minded small American towns.
Probably a bit easier in LA or NY, but no one can afford that anyways.

Found a study that may interest you. Though shifting the focus from secondary parent perspective to primary child experience.

Maybe this question can be reworded so that it doesn’t come across as too… controversial?

Question: As parents, in which scenario would make you more concerned for your child? Your child is gay or your child is transgender?

Details:

I mean no ill will here, but I’m genuinely curious which scenario would put more worry on the parents, as in “worry whether my child would fare well in a discriminating society. As we all know, society is still not very accepting to these people, and it’s every parent’s wish that their child would thrive safely when they enter life. But I’m curious which scenario would make parents more worried, since there may be some differences in how people treat gay people vs transgender people. Personally, I don’t have children, but I would guess I would be more worried if my child was transgender.

I’m curious of the opinion of all parents, not just parents with gay or transgender children.

This is just my attempt to reword the question based on the answers I see here. Not sure if this woks better.

@raum Thank you for that scientific study. Parents do indeed experience something when they have a child who is gay or trans, but the experience of the primary individual, the one who is gay or trans, is where the emphasis should be placed. 40% of trans youth attempt suicide. That’s a crisis! It’s not that high among the parents.

@Hawaii_Jake Do any parents attempt suicide because their child is LGBT? Is that a thing? I understand being overwhelmed might contribute to being suicidal, but actually being the primary reason a parent attempts suicide, that never occurred to me.

Focus on doing what is best for the child. It doesn’t matter if they are straight, gay, trans, red, purple, mute, blind, etc.
When you start focusing on anything other than being a great parent and doing what is best, you lose focus on doing you best no matter.

It is exhausting and overwhelming when you have a child who is transgender, though it’s not the fault of the child. It’s due to the abundance of ignorance in society. While @JLeslie is correct that it is much better for my son now that we live in a diverse and liberal city, it still doesn’t erase many issues that he must still deal with. For lack of a better phrase, he still deals with inner turmoil.

Our son still experiences depression at times because he doesn’t have the body his brain tells him he needs. He’s suffered lung damage due to binding his chest, which makes us worry about Covid more so than for the usual teenager. He still avoids public restrooms which means he holds his urine which is horrible for his bladder. He still gets misgendered which is very difficult for trans people to deal with. We also lost friends and family because they either didn’t support us or our “issues” were just too much to deal with.

Then there is the subject of suicide. He used to cut himself in the beginning and there were countless nights when I couldn’t sleep because I knew he was having suicidal thoughts. I felt lost and didn’t know what to do for him. He even came to us one night and asked to be admitted because he wanted to kill himself. Those thoughts have waned but that doesn’t mean they won’t come back.

I’ve spent countless hours educating myself and meeting other parents and adult trans people. We now have a wonderful support system in the trans community and they are family. I have a few friends who are trans adults and they still deal with bouts of depression and even thoughts of suicide. One lives in San Francisco, so even living in what would be considered the best city to live in for trans people doesn’t erase the hardships they live with daily.

One more thing. Bullying, physical assault and murder. These things are real issues we need to worry about. I hate to say it but I’m glad my son isn’t female. Trans females deal with much more hate.

https://www.hrc.org/resources/fatal-violence-against-the-transgender-and-gender-non-conforming-community-in-2021

I totally understand. People that are minorities in any sense always feel alone and don’t want to bother anyone.

You either come out a strong doucebag or really hurt and broken, or just both.

Our society is putting people in corners and attacking them, then they wait for you to get mad so they can call you crazy and weird.

It’s so easy to think about violence and I’ve spent a lot of time telling myself “it’s a small weak population, most people are good.” It’s a mantra at this point.

I was called a groomer today. :(

@Jonsblond: Fuck whoever said that. What an ass.

(Unless you were giving a dog a haircut at the time, in which case they meant something different.)