Social Question

Mimishu1995's avatar

Is this abusive or is it just part of a romantic relationship?

Asked by Mimishu1995 (20986points) 1 week ago

My friend is currently dating a guy younger than her. Let’s call him A. There is another guy who is interested in her, let’s call him B, but she has no interested in him. B has been very persistent with his attempt to get her to like him and she has been trying hard to push him away. It doesn’t seem to work as far as I can see.

The thing is, from what my friend told me, A is really “prone to suspicion”. It seems like every time she has an interaction with someone of an opposite gender, A would start asking questions about who that person is and why the conversation even takes place to begin with. A lot of her complaints about him just boil down to “he is afraid that person would take me away from him”. Today she talked to me about how B went to her house to give her a present even though she already declined in text. She was annoyed by B, but also afraid A would get the wrong idea. I told her to just be honest with A and tell him how she had resisted B’s attempt. I also suggested that she should also show A her texts to prove her point. She then told me that she had already deleted the texts with B because she was afraid A would see the messages by accident and get mad. She revealed to me that when B initially offered to give her the present, she refused then deleted the messages because she was afraid A would see them. So right now her phone only has the part where B announced that he had already come to her home to deliver the presents. So she can’t show the messages to A because that would only make her more guilty. She also said that she did tell A about her situation with B in the past but he told her she was “giving B opportunity”.

Something about A just doesn’t sit right with me. From what my friend told me, A seems like a really toxic person who just wants to own his lover. Before the present incident, I did bring up how I don’t approve of A’s controlling behavior. My friend just brushed it off saying “it’s just part of a romantic relationship”, then brought up how gentle and caring A is around her. I have never been in a romantic relationship before, but everything just sounds really suffocating to me. What do you think about this? Do you think it’s normal for lovers to behave this way?

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17 Answers

Blackwater_Park's avatar

A is insecure and probably immature. Does she eventually accept B’s gifts. Does she still even respond to B’s texts? If so, A has reason to be insecure and she is part of the toxicity here. There is a good chance she likes the attention from others and either directly or indirectly flaunts it in from of A despite what she says to you. It’s hard to tell without knowing those people. That said, if your gut feeling is that A is the problem, it’s likely the situation. It’s not healthy but it’s not abnormal with young people.

zenvelo's avatar

BOTH A and B are way out of bounds here and your friend should tell both of them to get lost. There are red flags everywhere that these are controlling abusive suitors.

A and his suspicions are just short of violent, and they are emotionally abusive. He has no business or right to question or accuse your friend of anything, and it is NONE of his business. Dump the motherfucker already!

B is stalkerish and smothering even when told to get lost. She needs to tell him to stop bothering her and to stay stopped, and say she will go to the police if he doesn’t leave her alone.

Mimishu1995's avatar

I don’t know if this is relevant, so I didn’t put it in the details, but B has connection with my friend’s family and he is well-liked by her mom. A is kind of an open secret. Her relationship with A is well-known among our social circle, but she is keeping it a secret from her family because she fears they wouldn’t approve of the relationship. So she is trying to push B away, but also tries not to rock the boat too much by outright rejecting him.

So yeah, I agree that my friend has some problems with herself to work through, but at the same time I can kind of see why she is doing what she does because of our culture.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Sounds to me she needs to start being very honest with them both. Or maybe A and B need to meet to sort it out, as that’s where this seems to be heading.

Blackwater_Park's avatar

@Mimishu1995 I must add that B is bordering on psychopathic in a western perspective. This may be different in your neck of the woods.

RayaHope's avatar

OMG! this whole thing is TOXIC. She is being sneaky and dishonest, A-B are both scumbags. Yikes, a very NON-romantic thing.

raum's avatar

I think western experience and expectations are going to be quite different.

No, this would not be considered part of a romantic relationship here in the states. Not to say that it doesn’t happen. But it’s not seen as healthy or acceptable behavior.

Mimishu1995's avatar

@raum my personal opinion on the whole thing is that she has problems with honesty with A. I agree that the situation with B is quite problematic, but the family connection is there so it’s quite a sensitive topic, so I don’t really blame her for not being straightforward with B. With A though, this is where I have problems. If he really loves her like she claims, then she shouldn’t have to feel pressured to be honest with him. She seems to actively hide her relationship with B from A, and that isn’t good because it shows that both parties don’t trust each other enough to understand their problem and support each other. If I was A, and heard that my girlfriend is being pressured into a relationship with a man who she doesn’t love, I would be understanding of her and try my best to support her, not fly into a rage for fear of her cheating on me. Combined with all the suspicion things earlier, I just don’t think A is someone I want to be around.

Dutchess_III's avatar

She needs to block B.

Zaku's avatar

“I told her to just be honest with A and tell him how she had resisted B’s attempt.”
– Great.

“I also suggested that she should also show A her texts to prove her point. She then told me that she had already deleted the texts with B because she was afraid A would see the messages by accident and get mad.”
– Ok. So, it’s up to her what to do with her texts. A line gets crossed at the idea that he might be worried and not believe her about deleting some of her texts. I would suggest that she should let go of the worry that he might not believe her, and feel free to share all the information about the deletion and texts, without assuming he’s not going to believe her. However, this would put him in a situation where he could do what she feared, which would tend to be upsetting and chaotic and give them both occasions to possibly make messes.

I tend to think that it’s probably best when romantic partners rarely share electronic messages, and are open and honest with each other. If he’s insecure, he’ll need to work through that. By itself, that doesn’t have to be awful, but it helps to keep boundaries and have that be his thing to work on (not her ongoing problem). When she starts worrying how he’ll react, that gets messy. And if he can’t trust or believe her, that’s a problem.

BUT IF you’re right that “A seems like a really toxic person who just wants to own his lover.” then that needs to be shut down, and B needs solid boundaries.

As for whether “it’s just part of a romantic relationship” – no, it’s part of some romantic relationships, and can exist in different ways and to different degrees, or not be much like that at all. If she thinks it’s in all romantic relationships, then I’d start to suspect that her filters are tuned by her experiences to expect and allow those kinds of boundary violations, and that she will tend to attract such people and allow (or even prompt) such behavior until she gets a handle on it. You can see that happening in her expectations about him and the way she participated with B, etc.

janbb's avatar

The whole things sounds like an immature mess but I suspect anything you do or say as a friend will have little impact on what she does. Most people have to go through their own messes and occasionally might learn something.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I just have a feeling she needs to get out.

Inspired_2write's avatar

” A” is possessive.
Get out now unless she wants to be controlled all of her life by him.

” B” Is unrelenting and both of them are disrespectfull of boundaries..dump him too.

Live your life without getting involved with another relationship until you understand your motives and have emotional maturity.

How old are these people…teenagers or very immature youth?

As for your own involvement…get out of everyones drama or fingers will be poitining at you to blame.

cookieman's avatar

She needs to tell both A and B to leave her the F alone.

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
Nomore_Tantrums's avatar

I agree with @cookieman. She should dump both of them. A in particular. Sounds like he has insecurity issues, and if she’s already hiding things from him that’s bad news. Whatever her motives may be. As far as B is concerned he needs to get a clue and get out of her life. Suck it up and take NO for an answer.

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