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pennylockhart2009's avatar

Why is he like this ?

Asked by pennylockhart2009 (29points) September 19th, 2008

I first met my fiance on 10th May this year and he couldn’t keep his hands off me but now its like he has changed he is not all over me like he was anymore why is he like this now and he only makes luv to me when he feels like it yet he still says he loves me very much and that im the best hes ever had and he still wants to marry me sometime next May, i love him too very much but how do i get to understand him properly

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24 Answers

wildflower's avatar

4 months and you’re engaged??
was really trying to come up with something more to say, but I’m stumped!

8lightminutesaway's avatar

I think you rushed into something. slow down, take your time with your relationship.

robmandu's avatar

Consider this problem to be one of the easiest you’ll encounter in your life as a married person. And ask yourself, is this guy the one I want to be with when the truly difficult problems come my way?

Sorry, this is a serious topic. But I love me the piratical… it’s just too fun not to post:

Consider this problem to be one o’ th’ easiest ye’ll encounter in yer life as a married person. And ask yourself, be this guy th’ one I want to be with when th’ truly difficult problems come me way?

Sueanne_Tremendous's avatar

I think it’s because you never have a period.

Harp's avatar

Understanding him properly may require a brief neurochemistry lesson:

The thrill that we associate with the passion of new love correlates with the level of the neuroactive chemical dopamine, the same substance released by the brain during other thrill-producing activities such as gambling or Fluthering. It is the chemical root of all that our brain interprets as intense pleasure. New love, and the sex that often goes with it, are potent stimuli for dopamine release, and we become quite literally addicted to its effect. To keep us from living in a non-functional dopamine stupor, however, the brain also produces a chemical which undoes the effect of dopamine. It’s called prolactin, and its release is triggered by elevated levels of dopamine in the system. Prolactin makes us more functional, but it also makes us feel down and we crave to find that dopamine high once again.

A given love partner will eventually cease to trigger a powerful dopamine release in the other partner’s brain. That doesn’t mean that sexual interest necessarily vanishes (though it can), but the thrill factor is diminished. If, however, a new partner is introduced, hello dopamine! This is called the “Coolidge Effect”, and it’s what drives some to perpetually seek new mates. It’s this dynamic that makes biologists doubt the biological basis for monogamy. We’re fighting the chemical urge to get a new dopamine hit. This can also explain the urge to take up new and risky activities later in married life.

But there is a happy chemical ending to this story. There is another player in this chemical scrimmage called oxytocin. This hormone appears to be responsible for the warm and fuzzy feelings we associate with deep friendship, affection and cuddling. It is not subject to the same wild rises and falls as dopamine, can last indefinitely and doesn’t have the same addictive effect. Unlike dopamine, it calms and reduces cravings. It seems to even contribute to longevity. The secret to a lasting monogamous relationship, in chemical terms, seems to be negotiating the transition from a dopamine-driven new love to an oxytocin-based cuddle-fest. You’ve got to learn to “just say no” to dopamine.

basp's avatar

Slow down you’re going too fast. Like someone said earlier, if this is a critical issue at this stage of the relationship, how are you two going to resolve real problems?!

Having given that advice, I met my husband and we married after knowing each other only about six months. But, I suspect we were both older at the time than you currently are.

Harp's avatar

I knew my wife 3 months before we were married; going on 27 years now…

robmandu's avatar

dated 6 months, engaged 9, married…

tinyfaery's avatar

Married after 3 months; married 7 years now, and counting.

marinelife's avatar

There is not enough information here for us to provide meaningful advice. As you can see, there are both tales of success with short courtships and there can also be many tales of woe.

The good news is that you are engaged and not married so there is much time to work on things.

The bad news is that you are engaged, which puts you on this path toward marriage and all the associated trappings that may make it feel harder to break up if it comes to that.

As my fellow Flutherers have said, the first hands all over each other is the chemical rush of infatuation. It seems to have worn off pretty quickly in your case.

The way to determine whether you are just moving into another phase or whether you have a serious problem is also the way to fix your problem. Think about what it is specifically that you miss most. Pick one or two things. Maybe it is that you always held hands when you walked together or that he often put his arm around you. Maybe it is that he used to hold you and cuddle or kiss when you sat on the couch watching TV and now he just watches the game. Think through what you miss and pick the two things (be very specific as to what precisely you want him to do) you miss most. Then pick a good moment to talk to him and bring up this issue. Don’t complain or say “You never . . . anymore.” Say, “When you hold my hand when we are walking on the street, it makes me feel so cared for. Could you make a point of doing that for me a few times a week?” and “When you turn your head and kiss me right behind the ear while we’re watching TV, it gives me such a thrill.” Then ask him if there are a couple of things he would like you to do that you haven’t lately. Then make sure to do those for him.

If he is responsive and things improve, you know that things are OK, and you have a good chance at long-term happiness. If he becomes defensive or blows you off, I would rethink the engagement thing.

Poser's avatar

Dated six months. Married five years. Separated two years. Divorced two years.

eeyore200343's avatar

my bf like that we been together 2 years and hes like that. just a man thing!

scamp's avatar

Sounds like you gave too much too soon, and he’s growing bored. The thrill is gone, and there is no reason to ‘court” you anymore (to use an old-fashioned term) What ever happened to playing hard to get? Don’t make it so easy on him. Back off a little and start over leaving sex out of the picture.

If you are going to have a successful marriage, you need to be friends as well as lovers. Try the friend thing for a while, and see how compatible the two of you are out of the bedroom. Do you have the same interests? What else do you have in common?

big3625's avatar

I am calling bullshit to Harps answer above. Yes there are chemical reactions that happen in the body but that is not the cause or the effect of what is going on here (in my opinion respectfully). First ask yourself what kind of “values” did this person and yourself created or produced for one another at the beginning. Then take a look at them now. If neither of you are creating or producing those values anymore and/or not celebrating those values of the other person, then that is why you are where you are(possibly). And I also love to work for my love via knowing that it is not always available at my beckon call. I have a buddy who just got married. His new wife told me that she told him he could have it (sex) whenever he wanted it. I looked at him after he said this and, as I imagined it would be, he did not look very excited about it. I wanted to comment back to her the following words “God Damit Elizabeth, what the hell are you trying to do? Make the man impotent? Have you ever seen a lion in the wild vs a lion at the zoo when it comes to food. The lion in the wild hunts and chases his food. The lion in captivity(much like marriage – jk) will eventually walk over and eat the food without much joy about it. Be it that the lion still needs to eat though.” I should of said it but I didn’t so I will say it here. Good Luck.

Harp's avatar

I think this is the first time anyone has “respectfully” called one of my answers “bullshit”; I’m savoring the novelty…

gailcalled's avatar

@harp; could you really read all that text smushed together? I should of said that was impossible.

big3625's avatar

Harp, no offense hopefully taken. It is all good I hope.

Harp's avatar

‘scool ;)

tinyfaery's avatar

My wife and I f***** like bunnies for the first two years of our relationship. I think harp’s post describes a contributing factor to the problem. For some, the “high” just doesn’t last that long. But, who’s to say that feelings don’t effect our brain chemistry.

poofandmook's avatar

I thought it was “should have

poofandmook's avatar

[removed by me]

Harp's avatar

I’ll be the first to admit that looking at the chemistry behind love isn’t very poetic (and I’m not saying that love is only chemistry), but all of the feelings, pleasurable and unpleasurable, associated with any of our emotions are chemical in nature. That’s the way our brain makes our emotions known to us. No chemicals, no feelings.

Personally, I think every teen should get a lecture about how this all works (mine did). I think it’s extremely helpful to know that the crazy, head-over-heels rush of new love will crash at some point, and that this will leave us in a state of withdrawal, wanting to find that same feeling again. And that that doesn’t signal the end of love; it just means that our body is shifting gears, in a chemical sense.

It’s been a great disservice to humanity that we’ve come to identify love exclusively with the passion of that initial dopamine rush. Our bodies simply won’t allow us to continue operating in that obsessive, semi-crazed state forever, and that’s a good thing. Think about it: new lovers are not very functional people for anything other than making babies. But, also luckily for us, love doesn’t only speak in the chemical language of dopamine. It also speaks the softer, less obsessive language of oxytocin. We just have to be willing to listen to appreciate that more gentle and subtle language.

wundayatta's avatar

Sometimes, maybe later in life, or maybe in your twenties, the withdrawal can open the door to serious mental illness. There are dangers besides ruining a relationship, when you are constantly seeking the high that comes from falling in love.

syz's avatar

Perhaps he’s looking for someone that can use punctuation properly.

If it’s not right, it’s not right. I’ve never understood why people are so frantic when they’re not in a relationship. Get comfortable in your own skin, then you’ll find the right person.

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