General Question

WhyNow's avatar

Do women forgive faster than men?

Asked by WhyNow (2674points) 2 weeks ago

Forgive and/or overlook might be what I’m grasping at.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

40 Answers

gorillapaws's avatar

Not sure, but they NEVER FORGET. Of that I’m certain…

canidmajor's avatar

The is not a gender related trait.

elbanditoroso's avatar

Not in my experience. Women never forget, and they tend to bring things up (after they say they have forgiven) when it suits them. They tend to play dirt.

I don’t know how you could ever come up with that theory, @WhyNow ..

Response moderated (Off-Topic)
WhyNow's avatar

After my mother gave birth to my kid brother, the youngest of five, She lapsed into
clinical depression and autism that she suffered from as a child.

When my kid brother was brother was six or seven my father left. My older sister
and my grandparents took over and my mom rallied back to health. It
is indescribable joy for my mother to be with us. My grandparents are my moms’ parents.

After I sold my life work my father sued the company that bought for two billion dollars.
Yes with a B. He lost spectacularly. All the kids are on their own I was last to leave.

Now my father wants to come back. My mother is willing, my grandmother will listen
him. My grandfather is furious!! After all he left when my mom needed him the most.
I am the only family member that talks to him. I don’t know what to do.

Response moderated
Blackwater_Park's avatar

Women: Forgive, yes. Forget…never.

Men: Forget, yes. Forgive, what was I mad at you about?

LadyMarissa's avatar

I am the only family member that talks to him. I don’t know what to do.

This is between your mom & dad…I suggest that you NOT take sides!!! Love your mom & love your dad. What happens after this point is out of your control…mom & dad will work it out on their own terms…you can’t fix it!!!

As for who forgives faster, I’m really NOT sure. I forgive easily, but I’m one of those who NEVER forgets, so you gotta give me a really good reason to forget!!!

Nomore_Tantrums's avatar

Not in my experience. I’ve known / still know, a couple of women who will neither forgive or forget things that happened 45 – 50 years ago. Get a damn life and forget about it. And I never did anything to them any way. Other than refusing to get to deeply involved. Big freaking whoop.

snowberry's avatar

Forgive? Easily? Forget? Why wouldn’t I want to learn from my past experiences?

Never confuse forgiveness with trust. So just because I forgive doesn’t mean I will automatically trust again. Once someone has broken their trust with me, they will have to work extra hard to build it back up.

JLoon's avatar

Faster than men?

No. Men are always faster.

Dammit.

JLeslie's avatar

I don’t think so. I don’t see it gender related as much as I see a tendency in families, but even then it varies a lot from one person to another in a family.

I think women more than men will stay in relationships and situations even when they haven’t forgiven.

SergeantQueen's avatar

I don’t. Forgiveness is bullshit.

Not sure if this is a gendered issue, but I am a woman and I have not forgiven anybody who has hurt me.

Pandora's avatar

@gorillapaws You are 100 percent correct. I can remember wrongs and slights from decades ago.
As pointed out we can forgive quicker but forgetting is not typically in our nature. Men as pointed out just tend to forget unless it was a huge wrong. Like infidelity. But I think that one equally applies and some both male and female can overlook but I don’t think that is something that is ever truly forgiven. That’s a huge betrayal. Though some people think forgiving means forgetting. I say its easy to forgive someone but harder to get their trust back.

SergeantQueen's avatar

@Pandora, but why is it easy for you? I view forgiveness the same us trusting. I won’t trust you unless you give me damn good reasons, same with forgiveness. Why would I forgive someone who hasn’t earned it?

I mean, that’s my view on it. Can you explain yours?

seawulf575's avatar

The key to this question is “forgive”. To forgive someone does not mean that you agree with what someone said or did. It doesn’t mean that you will forget it either. It means that you are telling that person that the anger and hurt that was inflicted on you is not going to rule you. You are letting them take it with them.

flutherother's avatar

Women are quick to forgive men, but women never forgive other women.

JLeslie's avatar

I think it usually becomes easier to forgive when you realize you are imperfect yourself, and want to be forgiven.

Trust is different, but it can go together with forgiveness. Sometimes I can be forgiving, because I am able to see the perspective of the person who hurt me, or I gain some empathy for them, but if I feel they will do the same thing again, then I don’t trust them.

Women don’t forget because they have a tendency to be more emotional (estrogen probably plays a part) and when a situation causes you more emotion you store it in the brain in emotional centers along with other areas. If that emotion is tripped again by a new situation, the old memories are also easily recalled, we get triggered.

Men tend to do a lot of shit that hurts and frustrates us, so there is a lot of material there. I’ve watched movies that have scenes of boys in childhood and if it’s true how they are represented it looks quite awful how they treat each other.

LostInParadise's avatar

At a superficial level, I find that if I accidentally cut a woman off in the supermarket, they usually apologize before I have a chance to.

Blackwater_Park's avatar

@JLeslie Some of what you see is exaggerated for dramatic effect. I will say that young men “test” each other in ways that may seem cruel to women on the surface. How they respond to each other begins to form a basis of respect. Men forgive each other quickly. They can get in a fist fight and be best friends a week later, often just minutes later. Sometimes that fistfight at the playground forms a respect/friendship bond that will last them a lifetime. I don’t see that with females much, they seem to hold long-term grudges and they don’t appear to forgive other females. I’m not sure why, perhaps the forgiveness cup is dry after being used on men? My sisters who are genuinely and excessively nice still both hold grudges on other girls from middle school. I see it at the workplace also. Men get in a shouting match and a few hours later they’re fist bumping. Ladies get into an argument and the drama goes on for years.

Inspired_2write's avatar

@WhyNow
“I don’t know what to do.”

Just listen to her , but its your mothers desicion in the end , its her life to do as she wishes.

For me I would think that in dire circumstances and your spouse leaves, its a bad sign, and I would’t take him in ever again, for fear that he would do that once again.

WhyNow's avatar

^ How right you are. My mother stayed over and played the piano for me.
She spent years lost in her own mind. I can’t bear to lose her again just no way.
So nice for her to be with me and I want her to be happy. My two younger
brothers have a hard time not blaming themselves for him not being around
when they were growing up.

I want them to live in their west village house and I want my sister to arrange
all the housekeeping etc. I have to convince the rest of the family and you
guys gave me good points to make.

I will get them to forgive but not forget.

JLeslie's avatar

@Blackwater_Park I rarely hold a grudge, and I don’t stay angry long. If someone tests my patients with their grudge holding then I start to have no patience for them and lose trust.

A lot of it is cultural. Italians can be screaming at each other and the next minute hugging. Mexicans can hold grudges like nobody’s business. I had a text book written for psychologists about the different subcultures in the US, and so much of it rang true.

I think also people emotionally hurt a lot in childhood see good and bad in very black and white terms. That’s my subjective non-professional observation. They don’t feel two people can disagree and both be right. Don’t get me wrong, some things are simply wrong, but some things there is a lot of grey.

I hope I’m making sense, I’m still drugged up from a medical procedure. Lol.

elbanditoroso's avatar

@JLeslie unless you’re a doctor, they test your patience

JLeslie's avatar

Lol. Diprivan.

Blackwater_Park's avatar

@JLeslie I see it more with highly competitive type A personalities. Flutherites are pretty chill.

JLeslie's avatar

^^I haven’t noticed that at all, but i don’t usually think in terms of competitive and not competitive. That’s interesting.

SnipSnip's avatar

Not likely, but women who are wives and mothers are busy with little time to dwell on foolish stuff. We forgive for ourselves, not the one who we forgive.

Pandora's avatar

@SergeantQueen I don’t trust strangers, but if they did me no wrong then there is nothing to forgive. Forgiving someone means I won’t hold what wrong they did against them. Let’s say someone I know stole money from me and I understand they were in a desperate situation when they did it. I can forgive them. Money can be replaced but I can’t trust them ever again. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to throw common sense out the window. They have proven that their needs (which is natural) are of more importance than my trust and it would be foolish to ever give them access to my money ever again. Maybe with time and if they seem to be in a good place financially, I can trust them again with funds but I would find it hard to trust them in other areas of importance where they can betray me.
For example. I may trust them to water my lawn when I’m gone but not give them access to my home or let them take care of my dog. There are different levels of trust.
Some people never did me wrong who I have known for a long time but they may be foolish or very selfish and I won’t ask them to do things I fear can cause me harm.

janbb's avatar

@WhyNow I feel like you buried the lead on this question. Do you want a philosophical discussion about gender differences or do you want to explore how you feel about the situation with your parents which you revealed in a comment, not in the details?

Clarity might get you more of what you want to know. People here tend to be more compassionate on personal issues.

WhyNow's avatar

I am sure you are right. I was not thinking gender… I don’t see my mother as a gender
and I don’t even see my brothers as a gender. Am I so blind. I don’t know.

janbb's avatar

@WhyNow Well, when you ask about differences between men and women in a generic way, you are asking about gender.

WhyNow's avatar

Oh yes… oops?

Pandora's avatar

@SergeantQueen Oh, I misunderstood earlier. Sucks when I read the tiny print on my phone and then respond later. To answer your question, forgiveness isn’t an easy process but holding in anger is equally hard. I’m not some walking Jesus. I am not perfect. I’m sure there may be people who hold some grudge or anger against me for something I said or did or didn’t do when I could of. So I try to remember I’m not perfect. Nobody is and holding in anger poisons me. It changes how I think and behave. It makes me care less for those around me because I get lost in feeling I have to defend myself and maybe I shouldn’t make myself vulnerable even to those who have proven I could and should trust them. So I forgive eventually because I don’t want to become someone I despise. But as I stated trust is something that comes at different levels and doesn’t always involve the heart.
I recently was very angry with my mother. It’s a long story but I was determined not to forgive her. But eventually, common sense prevailed as I saw I was behaving just like her. So I have forgiven her and resumed talking to her again. Part of not forgiving her was my pride. It hurt me more to hold in the resentment than to let it go. She’s not going to change and I have to accept that. She is 93 years old and if she will never accept that I love her, I know I did all that I could to show her I do. Being angry with her was making what she believe to be true a fact.

KNOWITALL's avatar

No. Women are well known for long memories of slights.

LadyMarissa's avatar

It’s possible to forgive without forgetting!!! I’ve forgiven a lot of people for a lot of transgressions against me. I still to choose to not forget it…just in case they see forgiveness as a weakness & want to transgress a 2nd time!!!

WhyNow's avatar

@LadyMarissa Good words. This I tell you. I will not lose my mother again…
she is so much fun to talk to and be with, and a bright soul, a hippy who loves
flowers and beads in her hair. She does not want to sleep alone anymore.
I understand that. I will a keep careful eye on him, because I am more grown up.

My father has a bigger ego than trump, yes it is possible.

My family cannot understand how (especially me) we let him get away with what he did.
So I don’t and we won’t.

You guys see the possibility of him repeating his actions. How do I protect my mom?

Entropy's avatar

I think that is a HIGHLY individualized thing. I have known some women who will hold a grudge FOREVER…over tiny stuff. But, I’ve also known some who let things go quickly and are very nice about it.

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