General Question

dayfive's avatar

How do you talk to women when you're shy?

Asked by dayfive (7points) August 6th, 2007 from iPhone

I'm a young, intelligent guy. I like to think that I'm relatively attractive, but I'm incredibly shy when it comes to women. Any advice is appreciated.

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21 Answers

zina's avatar

just remember: women are people.
reflect on that, say it 5 times until it sounds weird, or whatever.
maybe this will help you approach "them" differently?

kevbo's avatar

read "how to succeed with women" by louis and copeland.

Remember how Morpheus taught Neo about the Matrix? It's like that but for dating.

kevbo's avatar

p.s. This question has appeared at
least 2x before. Take a look at those responses.

hearkat's avatar

I'm also shy, and I just remind myself that EVERYONE has their insecurities, and that confidence only comes with practice at focusing on your good features, and being honest about your flaws.

When I meet someone new, I remind myself to act the same way I would with my oldest and closest friends. If I pretend to be anything other than my true self, the other person can't really get to know me and I'll get tired of the charade eventually.

Good luck!

klaas4's avatar

Be confident, and be yourself. Try always to do that.

helena's avatar

I am not shy and I don't know what it feels like to be shy, but I really like people who say they are 'shy' or were 'shy'. It seems that shy people are sensitive and thoughtful, have rich inner lives and grow fully into themselves. What does it mean to be shy? I think of it as different than being insecure.

If you are cripplingly shy, you might have social anxiety. I don't know where you live, but one of my college friends forwarded me information on a study she is involved in for people with social anxiety. Here is the info:

We are seeking English first language, right handed, age 21-55 individuals who primarily have problems with social anxiety and are able to commute to Stanford University for therapy and assessments. If you would like more information or you have a referral, please view our website ( and call (650-723-5977) or email us (

Here are some examples of people with social anxiety...;=related&search;=;=related&search;=

GothGirl1313's avatar

Just start off with small talk, mention something in connection with where you are with this woman. If at a party, how do they know the host/hostesses? Coffee shop, maybe other places you've gone or types of coffee? Then let your personality emerge. Don't break the ice with some lame mack line such as: 'I can help you get out of those clothes' or 'How old are you? Married? Never? What's wrong with you?'- honestly, I've had those lines thrown at me. The conversation didn't last because I walked away.

rockvj's avatar

Read "The Game" by Neil Strauss.

The most important thing to remember is that "small talk" will get you nowhere. The best way to talk to women, for example, at a bar is to find an interesting topic of conversation. Ask her opinion of something (very important)..the weather is incredibly generic...try music or movies. Leave talk about what she does and where she lives to dates. Conversations based on facts about a person will run For a social environment, keep conversations to social topics.

hossman's avatar

Taking a literal interpretation of your question, that you want to know how "I", hossman, talk to women when I am shy, rather than how you can learn to do it, the answer is, why yes I am shy, and I talk to them rather poorly. Generally, the more attractive (as a whole package, not just physically) the woman is, the less capable I am in communicating. An intelligent, vivacious redhead, for instance, will rapidly turn this actor, lawyer and winner of numerous public speaking competitions into a blithering idiot who loses all grammatical control. It's like all my verbs disappear, replaced by inappropriate giggling. I have absolutely no practical advice that could be of assistance to you.

susanc's avatar

Well here's what my revered mother told me when I was l4 (and a girl, but I think it transfers): It's a self-indulgence to be shy. What makes you the special one? Make an effort. Make an offer. Other people feel just as scared as you do. Why is it up to someone else to make you feel good first? Why can't you take some responsibility? Be brave and kind, and something good will happen.
I admit: it enraged me to find that she was utterly and completely right.
All the other ideas people have given you are wonderful too. And you asked a good question. Now go do something nice for someone who feels the same way you do.

Response moderated
hossman's avatar

greg70, perhaps her mama at least taught her not to say other kid’s mamas “don’t know shit.” I’d say your problem is not shyness, and you don’t know what situation her mother was trying to address. susanc may have inadvertently offended you (touchy much, shyboy?) but her mama didn’t deserve your pottymouth. A good boy would apologize.

artemisdivine's avatar

the beauty of the web is there are so many GREAT places for advice/help. in this day we live in the MOST interactive age in history but MOST of it is all electronic.

it does affect a persons quality of life. The funny part is the more you talk to people the more you realize people are so much alike. Not necessarily in their world views etc. or how they look or dress etc. but most people fear only 2 things which are sides of the same coin. Being lonely and not finding love. And its the same for EVERYONE whether you are homely or gorgeous, rich or poor.

Great PDF on it

The Shyness Home Page
An Index to Resources for Shyness

In public places, such as work, meetings, or shopping, people with social anxiety feel that everyone is watching, staring, and judging them (even though rationally they know this isn’t true). The socially anxious person can’t relax, “take it easy”, and enjoy themselves in public. In fact, they can never fully relax when other people are around. It always feels like others are evaluating them, being critical of them, or “judging” them in some way. The person with social anxiety knows that people don’t do this openly, of course, but they still feel the self-consciousness and judgment while they are in the other person’s presence. It’s sometimes impossible to let go, relax, and focus on anything else except the anxiety and fear. Because the anxiety is so very painful, it’s much easier just to stay away from social situations and avoid other people altogether.

Severe shyness is a complex mix of biology, upbringing, traumatic experiences, and negative self-talk. Severe shyness can co-exist with other debilitating psychological conditions such as low self-esteem, perfectionism, depression and anxiety.

Extreme shyness can take many forms, and can show up differently in different people. Some very shy people have problems being in large gatherings, yet feel comfortable in small groups. Some shy people only feel acute discomfort with persons they have just met, while others are never comfortable around people, even those they have known a long time.

Shy people tend to smile, touch and speak less. In social situations they experience symptoms such as rapid heartbeat, perspiration, and butterflies in the stomach . . . often. Henderson and Zimbardo say that shyness is a form of excessive self- preoccupation.

Shy people think more negative thoughts about themselves, are more likely to expect to be rejected and perceive others as less approachable than less shy people. They are even more likely to forget information presented to them when they believe that they are being evaluated.

In short, the world looks like a scary, unfriendly place, so, ironically, they prove themselves right and often look unapproachable.

Many scientists believe shyness is a genetic predisposition caused by the wiring in our brains. This means that if our parents are shy we will be shy as well. Psychologists Bernardo Carducci and Phillip Zimbardo say that there seems to be an increase in the number of shy people. They feel that this increase is due to technological advances that allow for fewer interpersonal interactions. These technological advances include automatic teller machines, voice mail, and the internet (Hendricks, Melissa. “Why So Shy?” USAWEEKEND.COM). The same article states that other shyness experts feel that going online helps those who are socially inhibited improve their interpersonal skills.


Professor Philip Zimbardo

Dr. Zimbardo shares his well-known work in the area of shyness, a condition that affects nearly 60% of adults

Bernardo J. Carducci, PhD, a researcher in the study and a professor of psychology and director of the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast in New Albany.

Dr. Daryl Bem, professor of psychology at Cornell
Professor Bem has published on several diverse topics in psychology, including group decision making, self-perception, personality theory, ESP, and sexual orientation.

punkrockworld's avatar

Most women like confident guys. But of course, not too confident. We like guys that make us feel good at all times.
Don’t try too hard because that’s really not what women want. Just be yourself, and because you’re not that outgoing, practice what you’d tell her so that when the moment comes, you know what to talk about. Hate those akward silences lol. It’s all about being a gentleman and showing the lady a good time.

confident's avatar

I`m not afraid to approach women, The problem is I can`t maintain a conversation. I`m Bryan 21 years old. when I run out of words and be in silence the women lose interest. what can I do to make things work.

confident's avatar

what women look for in a man.

confident's avatar

why Do women love guys that them laugh

confident's avatar

how can I get a women interested in me.

stateless's avatar

If you are very shy maybe you could join a social club based around one of your hobbies. If even that is too much for you, there must behangouts and forums for shy people online. Why not get to know a few women there, then progress up to a webcam or telephone, then meet up?

punkrockworld's avatar

Well if you run out of things to say, that’s okay… ask her about her day, or tell her what you like about her: “Your hair looks nice today”. Women love that… You can get a woman interested by honestly being yourself and treating her with respect. Women look for someone that is reliable and can be counted on. A man needs to be consistent, loving and caring and show the woman a good time. I could go on and on…
@confident Do you have that problem with everyone or just women? Social skills is something that you either have or you don’t. But there is good news; you can work on that. Learn to be outgoing! Show her what you’re all about, instead of talking about it. Actions speak louder than words. If you can make her feel like a thousand bucks when she is around you, you don’t need to say a word. Maybe you haven’t found the right woman, because when you do.. she won’t be able to shut you up.

kritiper's avatar

You talk about them. Girls LOVE to talk about themselves!!!

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