General Question

SergeantQueen's avatar

Why would someone give unsolicited advice, and then cut the person off again?

Asked by SergeantQueen (12740points) 1 month ago

I seriously cannot handle this stuff anymore.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

31 Answers

Pandora's avatar

To get stuff off their chest. You can tell someone you use to care about what you believe they should change without wanting to resume a relationship.

SergeantQueen's avatar

So my ex was just trying to be an asshole?

Pandora's avatar

^^ Probably. Couldn’t say. Really depends if the advice was just meant to hurt or to help. Sometimes you just know by sticking around the person they won’t really ever change or there was too much damage done that the relationship itself can’t be saved. However, you can still hope that someday this person may decide to take their advice and it may lead to them being happy and healthy only with someone else.

I remembered a guy who had a crush on me but he had a lot of work to do for him to be able to be in a relationship. I layed it all out for him what he needed to do and told him only I couldn’t be a part of it. But I wished him well. He had severe daddy issues that leaked into all his prior relationships. He ended up having a crush on me because I understood him. We were just friends in my eyes. But I had to walk away because I knew he would see it as if he had a real chance and I was already engaged to my husband.

Needless to say, he took my advice and got therapy and found an awesome woman to marry and they looked happy. At least he really looked happy. He said when I told him he needed professional help he was angry but he realized he couldn’t keep going on in life with the rage he felt. He had anger issues. So when he met his wife, he went to therapy because he didn’t want his future wife and children to have the same life he did growing up.

SergeantQueen's avatar

Well, this asshole said all this shit to me. I still love him. And him not talking to me is just pushing me over the edge.

LadyMarissa's avatar

Don’t give him that much power over you & your well being!!! He’s obviously NOT worth it!!!

jca2's avatar

I would stop talking to him since it upsets you. Is this the guy that there’s an Order of Protection with?

JLeslie's avatar

Give advice either to unload their own thoughts, like venting, or to hurt you or they might think they are helping you. It depends what they say.

During my first traumatic break-up in my 20’s people would tell me not to talk to him, but I was in so much pain I wanted to talk to him to try to get out of feeling so horrible.

I would talk to him and it did not make me feel better, it was still awful.

Time would pass not talking to him and I would start to get a little more normal, not obsessing about him quite as much, and then I would talk to him and I would get totally miserable again. My dad couldn’t understand how I could be so upset by someone who had been horrible to me, which was not helpful to me at the time. People who understood were more helpful, but they also were telling me not to talk to him.

One day someone I didn’t know very well said pay attention to how I feel physically and mentally when I talk to him, that talking to him actually made me more upset in the end, more out of control physically. It was true.

Maybe initially you didn’t want to feel better, I was Iike that for months. Around the year mark I started to have days in a row that life seemed normal and I was ok (still not great) but even then, seeing him or even being in the same city was really hard for me. Watching a movie that reminded me of our relationship still put me in a tailspin, but I recovered faster, in a day I could get back to my life and not dwell on him, and I realized it was ridiculous to keep going through that and I stopped hoping for a minute of his time.

It took me two years to be completely done so he didn’t affect me anymore. I moved away to a new state about a year after our break-up, and that move was like a huge weight off of my shoulders. I felt free of those memories, I did not expect to feel so much better. I started a new job and made new friends.

Forever_Free's avatar

Something triggered them. Beyond that they are somewhat ignorant in how to have an open discussion.

gorillapaws's avatar

Some people get off on having power over others and hurting them. This guy sounds like he may fit that description. Falling in love with people like that is going to lead to a lot of pain (maybe part of you believes you deserve to suffer—like people who self-harm?).

Anyways, I’m not a psychologist and I’m not going to pretend to be one or to condescend to you to tell you how to live your life. I do think it’s worth asking yourself why you fall in love with people who want to hurt you? I can assure you that you’re worthy of being loved and respected despite traumas you’ve suffered and perhaps choices you’ve made that you regret.

gondwanalon's avatar

Ask yourself this question: Why do you want to be around someone who doesn’t want to be around you?

Forever_Free's avatar

Some people just like to hijack the conversation to hear themselves pontificate.

Zaku's avatar

Hmm: “give unsolicited advice, and then cut the person off again” – sounds like mansplaining M.O. to me.

“So my ex was just trying to be an asshole?”
– Typically it’s an automatic habit, not involving any trying to be an asshole.

Pandora's avatar

If he’s playing games by ghosting you, then walk away because he isn’t mature enough for a relationship. This makes him the bad guy.

If he’s just being honest in that he doesn’t want a relationship with you and why then it’s probably best you let it go. If you persist in trying to contact him when he made it clear the relationship is done, then you are the bad guy. It’s called stalking. No one is entitled to be loved by someone they love. It either is mutual or not. People cannot be forced to love someone. Walk away.

You are spending way too much energy caring about this. Now if what made you mad is you feel he judged you unfairly, then remember there is truth and perception. Sometimes you mean something by behavior and people twist it all up. If that is the case, I go back to he’s probably not mature enough if he didn’t let you explain that he has it wrong.

If he was correct in his advice but it just burned then take your lumps and move on. But totally cool if you just need to vent. Venting is a healthy behavior and can lead to acceptance that you should just let him go.

chyna's avatar

Depends. Who contacted whom? Did your ex contact you out of the blue, give you unsolicited advice and disappear? Or did you contact the ex and they gave you unsolicited advice?
If it’s the first situation, they are being an ass. In the second situation maybe they want you to know for sure why you are their ex.

SergeantQueen's avatar

He saw a post I made about how being vulnerable isn’t worth it and he said all this bullshit about how it is worth it.

Then told me I am an alcoholic and I need to move out and all this shit. And that he doesn’t want me “following this path anymore”

JLeslie's avatar

Which path?

raum's avatar

May be hard to hear considering where it’s coming from. But it all seems like sound advice.

SergeantQueen's avatar

Okay…. so then why go back to ignoring me?

Forever_Free's avatar

In a word, Distain.

janbb's avatar

It sounds like you put info on a public post that he had access to. Maybe you should have blocked him or not posted if you didn’t want a reaction? Maybe he cared enough to try to advise but doesn’t anted to get caught in a relationship again?

janbb's avatar

Edit: “want to”

jca2's avatar

Sometimes, if you can emotionally distant from exes, it’s ok to be in touch with them, or in touch on social media. Sometimes, if it causes you pain, distress, or frustration, it’s not best to be in touch with them at all, including social media. Since being in touch with this guy on social media is frustrating for you, perhaps you should unfriend him or block him. It might help you distance yourself from him, emotionally.

SergeantQueen's avatar

What do you mean disdain?

Dutchess_III's avatar

He has disdain for you. He doest respect you.

JLeslie's avatar

It sounds to me like he might care enough to tell her she is going down a bad path.

Not care in the way that he would want to get back together with her, but care like he would any other person who is drinking too much and not moving forward.

smudges's avatar

@JLeslie That’s exactly my take on it.

He cares enough about you as a human being to give the advice to stop drinking because he knows it will destroy you. And it’s probably the very reason he’s not with you now. He cut you off after giving the advice because he doesn’t want to be around you if you’re drinking. When I quit drinking, I didn’t like to be around people who were drinking.

JLeslie's avatar

@smudges If I remember correctly, he is not a good guy overall. I don’t want it to seem like he is somehow an angel and left because the OP was having problems. The way I remember it, it was really good the OP got away from him, she is just having a hard time coping with the separation.

raum's avatar

Another vote for blocking him on social media.

smudges's avatar

@JLeslie Yes, I remember that. I didn’t mean to make him sound like Mr. Wonderful! Thanks.

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