General Question

Supergirl's avatar

What are the biggest issues couples face when first moving in together?

Asked by Supergirl (1686points) August 7th, 2007

My boyfriend and I are moving in together at the end of the month, and I want to try and tackle those recurrent issues so we have a smooth transistion. Any ideas/suggestions?

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26 Answers

extolsmith's avatar

The biggest issue will always be a lack of commitment and respect for one another, until the partnership is solidified, until two become one. Before marriage, there will always be two wills. Your needs will always surpass the needs of your friend and no matter how much you try, you will always be living for your self, first. After marriage, you will be living for the other and issue that fester from co-habitation, will easily be resolved by the joy received from loving and living for another.

Supergirl's avatar

What are the daily issues couples face? More that then the overarching relationship componenets.

GD_Kimble's avatar

MONEY MONEY MONEY. I suggest having a clear game plan with regard to finances. Joint banking? Keep your own accounts? Both? Is everything split evenly?

extolsmith's avatar

Issues;
Who cooks when both are tired?
Who does the dishes?
Who takes out the trash?
Who takes care of monthly bills?
Who decides when friends come over?
How is time spend when family is in town?
How are incidents handled in emergency or when daily routines are disrupted?

GD_Kimble's avatar

also address differences in lifestyle... who's neater? Who stays up later at night?.. and will their staying up disturb the other? Can you both come and go as you damn well please, or do you need to check in? Meals together? What happens if one wants to entertain while the other wants to go out/go to sleep?

GD_Kimble's avatar

..and of course, you can't put out every fire before they happen. I lived with my ex for almost 7 years, we rushed into it and their were things we should have discussed beforehand that plagued us throughout... but there were a million little things you can't do anything about until you actually hit that bump because you don't/won't see them coming. The key is constant communication and respect. It's hard to meld two lives into one-- it gets easier as long as you're willing to work at it along the way. Best of luck.

kevbo's avatar

He won't clean to your standards, and you won't do things like his mom does. ;-)

From what I've heard the top three issues for most couples are money, sex, & child rearing.

Power struggles are common, too, and can be as subtle as how one does the dishes. Decide who owns what domestic domains and as much as possible stick to your own domains.

Congratulations!

alabare's avatar

Very much agree with GD Kimble. It ALL comes back to money. You can love each other until the day is long, but if you can't agree on finances, it will never work.

occ's avatar

My brother, who has a masters in psych research, once pointed out to me "The 50/50 problem": If you are each splitting the housework exactly 50 %, you are still going to often feel that you are doing way more work than your partner is, even if it's not true. That's because you see 100% of the chores that you do, but you only witness about 20% of the chores that your partner does. So it's important to know in advance that you are often going to feel like you are doing more than your fair share, even though it might not be the case. Open communication is the key.

Another thing that I would suggest is establishing a regular "date night." When you move in together, it's easy to get complacent about the relationship and let the romance dwindle. If you make sure you are still going out together for special dates, you can keep the excitement going.

Staufman's avatar

.... Dont forget leaving the toilet seat up. LOL!

hearkat's avatar

No one mentioned the remote control yet, either!

zina's avatar

I agree with many of the comments above (communication, dividing household work, money). My partner and I have lived together for four years and I think what's kept it working is clear (open, honest, thorough) communication on all issues. Every couple will have different things arise (be it examples above or unexpected issues from childhood or you hate their music/wet towels on the floor/x other annoying habit). Even communicating about communication styles (ie, reading body language). Each person has to constantly take initiative to improve the situation - if you want the evening time structured differently, propose an idea - if you need a warmer blanket, get one. Being open, positive, and communicative really helps create a good environment. If 6 months into living together you suddenly realize you need alone time ('wow! i never knew that about myself!'), then talk to your boyfriend about it and structure it in. Sometimes you focus on teamwork and compromise, but also each person's unique needs should be met, the best that you can.

helena's avatar

I love to be in a relationship because relationships are a little universe apart from the rest of the world, with their own rules and history and style of interaction. Don't be afraid of anything. I know what you mean wanting to avoid the pitfalls, but strangely enough, in my experience, reaction to tense moments have played a strong role in developing the soul of my relationship. We remember those moments. Without mishaps and struggles, there are no stories to tell.

One of the most important things I do is take time away. A night with the girls, a class, work, a weekend with family or friends. It often happens naturally, but if it doesn't, I must plan it. Time away keeps me grounded in who _I_ am and my own thoughts, feelings and priorities. And likewise for him. It is so important to both people to maintain their individuality because that is what attracted us to one another in the first place. When people blend together, relationships lose their charge. I also strongly believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder. A night or a weekend away is a very good thing.

Teasing is a good thing, interpersonally and sexually. It is important to remain sexual. Some people in relationships lose that and I think it is very sad. Who else will you be flirty with and teasey with? It is important to feel desirable and to be desired and so it is for your man, too. Stay in shape. Dress like a girl or like a woman. And be sure your partner turns you on. Sex classes can be good for that. And I would avoid going as a couple, because it is fun to bring back new knowledge.

gooch's avatar

cleaning and money

andrew's avatar

I totally and wholeheartedly agree with GD and helena.

v1kt07's avatar

yes, mutual respect ... That means ALL aspects pf the home, i.e. Chores dinner ect....and dont ever loose the spontanaity that makes courting so beautiful, i made that mistake and it cost me my marriage

mzgator's avatar

money issues can be a big problem , also future in laws or friends can be a problem....try to solve all disagreements between yourselved. If you let a friend, parent....etc...,get involved you will have even bigger problems... Solve any issue together and always remember no to sweat the small stuff. Remember why you decided to move in together in the first place....love. Also do not lose your personal identity because you are a couple. Take time for you. Too much time together is not always a good thing in amy relationship. Good luck!!

glial's avatar

The person that is exciting and fun or romantic and wild on the weekends is not the same person that has to wash clothes, pay bills, take a dump at precisely 5:22 p.m., etc.

I am convinced that this is why affairs happen. People don't realize that life, especially with someone else, is not the same as dating them. The things we love at first, are often the things we end up disliking in the future.

Ex. "She is so carefree" ... 6 months later "She never remembers to pay the bills"
"He is so funny" ... 6 months later "He is never serious."
"He is an artist" ... 6 months later "I wish he would get a job"

Be warned, no one is 100% "on" all the time. Tread lightly.

unacornea's avatar

my partner and i moved in together a few months ago. i think the biggest thing we have had to work through is when we are having anxiety about something, to name the anxiety and deal with our own feelings, rather than putting it on the other person. like “i’m feeling anxious and the dirty dishes are giving me something to focus on” instead of “what a pit! are you planning to clean this?” if your partner gets on your nerves, give yourself some space and try to figure out what’s going on for you, because picking on their appearance, habits, etc. only makes things worse.

nerfmissile's avatar

One surprisingly polarizing issue I’ve had with three relationships is d├ęcor. Who gets to decide where to put things, what art to purchase, whether that photo of your stern-looking grandpa goes on the mantle or in the closet, what to do with that 2’ Tibetan gong that belongs in a Manhattan loft, not an artless Dallas condo?

Kindness and selflessness are mandatory in relationships… but you can get exploited if you don’t have a backbone. Be honest and avoid ranting and “dumping” ... refuse to blurt when you’re feeling emotional and wait until you can be more objective and considerate. Give fair warnings on issues that are about to make you berserk and if all else fails and you really love this person, get too busy and preoccupied with your own gainful interests to obsess about all of the odd and insulting infractions your partner makes against your sensibilities.

Give as much positive feedback as possible! “It makes me feel so much better when you put the dishes in the washer. Thanks for thinking of the little things and making both of our lives easier.”

Remember that you are also a neurotic human and that only you can make yourself happy. How many partners are you going to find “simply impossible” or “piggish” or “thoughtless” until you realize that you’re 40+ and bitter with implausibly high standards?

Let’s face it: we live with people because they make life more interesting. What a wonderful opportunity to set an example for kindness and give love and hope. Isn’t it better to go the extra mile and be appreciated to the point of being sorely missed?

JefferyTheRipper's avatar

The problem is Especially when moving
in together is moving in together. Thats what sucks, and is what alot of people fail to realize
untill its to late no matter what the relationship,especially intimate
once the beefin start theres
no longer a place to relax.
Where as before you could atleast
go home to marinate, you now have
to come to the shocking reality
you realize you live wit
this muthafucka and this
Is home and home is so no longer
where the peace of mind is.
Hopefully its where the heart is
or its hell
The same as is with kids
lts one thing to be able to send em
home then there cute
But when there home there hell…. :-’

girlofscience's avatar

Temperature. He always wants it freezing, and I hate the cold.

everval's avatar

Money is definitely an issue… and more if one of you is a spender and the other one isn’t… if one of you wants to save money and the other one too but can’t save any money… I think that’s what can create problems for you… and more with the economic issues right now.

evelyns_pet_zebra's avatar

I see the biggest problem is he is going to want that swordfish hung over the mantle, and she is going to want to put doilies under everything. sorry, I’m just being a nut.

Crossroadsgrl's avatar

Whether or not you remembered to get married?

Sunny2's avatar

Sharing one bathroom. We worked it out, but now that we’re older, we have at least a bathroom and a half. It’s harder now to have to wait for the toilet.

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