General Question

deaddolly's avatar

What would you do if your friend of over 30 years had chosen to cut off communication with you because they didn't like your now 18 year old daughter?

Asked by deaddolly (3431points) September 23rd, 2008

I was friends with, let’s call him Fred, for many years. Had my daughter in 89 by A.I. and he’s the godfather. (He’s gay, if that matters at all). Once she became a teenager, he changed towards her. Granted all teens are sometimes not as polite as they should be; but he has little tolerance for her. As she got older it was clear he preferred hanging out with her gay BF (also male) more than her. He bought him a graduation gift and sent her a card. Whenever he and my daughter are together he’s so rude to her; she asks me why he doesn’t like her. He goes out of his way not to come over if invited when she’s involved. I’ve finally cut off all communication with him. It ticks me off tho. By the way, my daughter is almost the exact same as I am…lookswise and personality. I just don’t get it.

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19 Answers

syz's avatar

My suspicion would be that there’s a story there that you don’t know about.

Bri_L's avatar

Sounds like he has the issue.

My daughter comes first.

If you want to give the friendship a try. Confront him outright.

no matter what. standby your daughter.

Lost_World's avatar

I’d say somthing hapend you don’t know aboult.

deaddolly's avatar

Oh, I will – definately, my daughter is my life.

I’m of the feeling that if its come to this; it wasn’t as good a friendship as I thought it was to begin with. I really don’t miss the friendship, so I don’t care to talk it out with him. Still, it must bother me, because I think of it every now and then.

@syz There may be another piece of the puzzle. I did inheiret a great deal of money last year. I teased him about being jealous and he said he’d never resent that, but I do think he does.

tinyfaery's avatar

Is he treating you differently, or just your daughter? I’m with syz. I doubt that one day he just woke up and decided not to like her. Something, or a progression of somethings, must have occurred. If you want to knew the reason, best thing to do is ask him. Open and honest.

deaddolly's avatar

NO, he just acts differently around my daughter. Really bitchy and short tempered to her.
Scoffs at her opinions etc.

I consider it a case closed; I would not be able to forget how he treated her in the past.
I consider it a friendship closed.

I was just wondering what other ppl thought.

tinyfaery's avatar

If he is/was truly a friend don’t you want to know? I would, even if meant that we couldn’t be friends anymore.

cak's avatar

Because it would involve my daughter, I would want an answer…good, bad or ugly, I want to know what the heck is going on; however, ending the friendship…no question. If I felt that someone treated my child (age doesn’t matter) poorly – for no apparent reason, they have to go! While you may miss your friend from time-to-time…your daughter is your family. You are her mother and you stand up and for your child.

I still want to know, though…I’d wonder what really happened between them.

deaddolly's avatar

Well, having been there during all the times he was an asshole to my daughter, my feelings towards him had begun to change long ago. I stopped calling him all the time etc.
And he never called me.

Nothing he could tell me about why he didn’t like my daughter would change my mind about him. She’ll always be my daughter and will always come before any friend, or other family member for that matter.
@cak I don’t think anything ever happened between them, My daughter does have a habit of telling it like it is, but she always thought very highly of him…called him her uncle.
The last time he did anything with her, when I wasn’t there, it was with her and her bf. He took them to a local college student union (where her friends now attends college) when they were 17 and bought a beer for her bf. As this kid was driving and was only 17, I was pissed when I heard that and let him know it. He may’ve been ticked that my daughter told me, but so did her bf (I mean best friend, not boy friend….and by best friend I mean her her gay, male BFF.)

I think it may be a jeaulousy thing…about the money I got. I’ve never left my daughter wanting for anything and he has a problem with buying things he can’t afford and then not being able to pay.

Yeah, it makes me wonder. but, I think I’ll just leave it alone. It’s been about 3 months now since we last talked. I sent him an e-mail and had no reply.

marinelife's avatar

Having gone through something like this, I am going to take the other side and say that if you are at peace with ending the friendship, don’t try to confront or reopen it.

He may never tell you the truth, especially if he is not a direct person, which someone sniping at a child is not.

I agree with you that his actions toward your daughter are unforgivable. Pardon me, but his actions toward the young gay man appear from your description to border on the unseemly. Has it occurred to you that he is jealous of your daughter’s friendship with the young man?

deaddolly's avatar

@ Marina…that could be it. But, he’s 50 something and these kids were 17! I always thought he had a crush on her bf. And I think he knew how I would have felt about that.

Yes, it’s best to let it be. We have mutual friends, so I’m sure I’ll hear something eventually.

ninjaxmarc's avatar

Definitely an under lying story.
Why don’t you be upfront and direct?

deaddolly's avatar

I think too much time may have passed all ready.

tWrex's avatar

a swift kick in the nads will take care of it. then tell him to man up and act like an adult. “if you have an issue you need to talk to me about it rather than treating my daughter like crap.” then a pimp slap and a flick to the throat. =)

deaddolly's avatar

@tWrex I’ll do it the next time I see him on the street!!!!!

sarapnsc's avatar

I would be ending my friendship of 30 years. No one ,and I mean no one, no matter what the reason, is going to be rude or treat my child unkindly. That’s a no brainer for me.

I don’t care what the excuse is, a grown adult, whether mature or not, shouldn’t be behaving this way, especially if we had been friends for 30 years. Seems like he would of had the balls to come and talk to you, if they had a problem with your child.

I can’t imagine how your daughter must have felt when she got the card and her boyfriend had gotten the gift. There really is no excuse, even if he gives one now. I’m sure your daughter will be relieved, she won’t have to be around him anymore. Her feelings and well being is much more important than his sorry behavior and excuses.

All I can say is good riddens…a true, real friend ,wouldn’t have behaved like this. I’m glad you got rid of him!

Great Question, by the way!

deaddolly's avatar

@sarapnsc Exactly. I feel the same. I just wonder about it all from time to time. But, because of the way he handled the graduation thing; I’ve no use for him anymore. My daughter is my whole world and I would kill for her, without question.

sarapnsc's avatar

@deadolly…do yourself a favor and put your time and thoughts into people who are deserving of it! :)

tWrex's avatar

Like the folks here at fluther!

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