General Question

tscoyk's avatar

For the ladies: have you ever been hit on by a friend's husband/boyfriend?

Asked by tscoyk (187points) September 23rd, 2008

At a party this past weekend, I was groped and murmured to by my friend’s drunken husband. I am also married. Our spouses were both in attendance. What would you do- tell the friend her husband is a skank, or hold your peace? I’ve already ratted the fink out, and am possibly going to regret that…

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21 Answers

Celeste00's avatar

If he was drunk, and you’re all really friends, then you should be able to laugh it off.

It all depends on what you mean by “groped” and “murmured to”.

willbrawn's avatar

I am not a woman, but personally i would not put up with that. I would let your friend know what her husbands acts like drunk.

Doing nothing is normally not the best answer.

trudacia's avatar

You’re screwed either way.

If you didn’t tell and she found out, your friendship would be over. Also, he’ll probably try it again at some point.

I you tell, she’ll likely be embarrassed and you won’t be friends anymore. Or, she won’t believe you….Or, she’ll think you did something to cause it.

Since you did tell, is your husband going to kick his ass? Is your husband friends with the drunk guy?

Bri_L's avatar

i would have brought him over to his wife and said “his hands thought I was you, please explain that is not the case”

Celeste00's avatar

@Bri L hah! Perfect solution.

Bri_L's avatar

@ celeste00 – thanks

kevbo's avatar

Play innocent and make it public. “Oh, I think your husband is revved up and ready to go.” (whatever) Likely his wife will beat him when they get home.

marissa's avatar

@Bri_L, that is the best solution I have ever heard. I need to keep that one in mind and hope that I never need to use it in the future :0)

If it were me, I wouldn’t tell the wife. Chances are, if this is a problem, she already knows what he is like and may not want to admit it. If you tell her, you are forcing her to admit it and now she knows that you know he is like that. (That is if she believes you.) If this is a one time stupid thing this guy did, then you don’t really want to rock the marriage and he will probably feel so guilty that he will be punishing himself more than anyone else could. However, I would tell my husband, for a few reasons. One, he would understand why you don’t want to hang out with the friend. Two, if anything is ever said (either by the wife or the groper), your husband doesn’t wonder why you never felt you could confide in him (he won’t be thinking “did you secretly like it?” etc).

marinelife's avatar

To know what I would do, I would need to know more about the people involved.

If I had reason to believe the guy was behaving way outside his norms, he had never done it before to me or any other woman to my knowledge, and he was really drunk I would speak privately to him, telling him what he had done, saying “Never do that to me again, drunk or not, or I will knee you in the nuts,” and that he needs to avoid the booze to that level of intoxication.

If the guy was a player and I knew it, I would tell him he sucked, and he had better not do that to me again. I would avoid being with them as a couple. I still probably would not tell her.

The thing about telling the wife is that you have to be prepared to lose the friendship if you do. If she is not ready to leave her husband, she is most likely to kill the messenger. He, if a snake, could easily tell her that you came on to him. Then it’s he said, she said.

The one exception I might make was a lifelong friend that I knew would believe me, and that I knew would want to know no matter what.

Bri_L's avatar

I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who blames me for telling them their husband was acting inappropriate or with a man who does. Free and clear.

scamp's avatar

I like kevbo’s answer!! It’s happened to me before, and I told my friend. it served two purposes. it showed my loyalty to my friend, And it showed the hubby that I would not tolerate him doing this again.

Bri_L's avatar

I am a little more vengeful. I don’t think it is right for him to get a way with handling me. I would know it happened.

charliecompany34's avatar

alcohol releases inhibitions. when the music is loud and the night gets old, the mental statuses and unknown wants and needs surface. he’ll regret it in the morning, but your reaction will direct where the outcome will be.

Bri_L's avatar

@ Charliecompany34 – I can sort of see your point, but “alcohol releases inhibitions. when the music is loud and the night gets old, the mental statuses and unknown wants and needs surface”, how much will he remember in the morning?

And in this case it wasn’t a stranger it was her friend. If I was the friend it would way heavy on my mind. That has meaning beyond a stab in the collective female pool of the party.

basp's avatar

I don’t know Charlie…. In my book being drunk does not excuse that kind of behavior.

tscoyk's avatar

@marina – luckily yes, she was (is) a long time pal, and did believe me…at least she said so. Time will tell how this really pans out. I think Mr. Grabby-Hands got spanked by his missus, though…I received a boo-hoo apology email today. Which is Tuesday. And I’ve felt like catcrap about this since Saturday night. What a horse’s rear-end.

@basp – Agreed. I’ve always been told that you do and say what you really feel when you’re drinking, so it is REALLY no excuse.

marinelife's avatar

@tscoyk I am glad it is working out well. I hate being the recipient of a pawing—it makes you feel unclean and disrespected. It really is a violation. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s minor and just get over it. Please take care of yourself.

jca's avatar

i wouldn’t tell the wife. i would just let it go, steer clear from him when he’s drunk, and hope it doesn’t happen again.

ninjaxmarc's avatar

pour some water on him and tell his wife I think your hubby needed to cool off a bit.

tscoyk's avatar

Hysterical news to report (to me, anyway). I just reviewed this post, almost a year later, and have not-so-very-shocking news to report. I just, for the first time since the incident, had a face-to-face with the wife of Gropey McGroperson. It did not go well. I would say we are not friends anymore. Poo. How disappointing. She actually attempted to make amends with ME, but the phone calls and emails to her had gone unanswered for so long that I just couldn’t find the words. WOW. Death of a “friendship”. Her sister clarified for me that this was not the first time for this sort of thing. ALARMING.

willbrawn's avatar

@tscoyk poor woman. Atleast you won’t have to deal with it any longer. Thanks for following up and keeping us informed.

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