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beccalynnx's avatar

Is it really impossible for a man to change for love?

Asked by beccalynnx (459points) September 24th, 2008

i’ve heard time and time again that a man won’t change his regular habits just for love/a woman. and that it’s impossible for a woman to change a man. however, i have a friend that has recently told me he loves me, and that he’s willing to quit drugs and whatnot for me. it seems kinda like fantasy to me, but i believe him so far. (it been two weeks and he hasn’t touch a single drink or joint…)

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15 Answers

jrpowell's avatar

I have given up drugs/booze/smoking for a woman before. I went right back to doing them again after we split-up. It is doable.

tinyfaery's avatar

It’s possible for people to change, but they have to want it and they have to work at it. Most people don’t have the inclination or the discipline to achieve it. The fact that he admits to wanting to change, and has taken steps is a good sign, but it won’t happen overnight.

Judi's avatar

If my experience is any indication, he will eventually resent you for it and so will his friends. You will be the bad guy and there will be plenty of fights about other stuff but this will be the real reason. He needs to change for HIM not for you. Save yourself the misery while you still can. It woll only be more painful later.

JackAdams's avatar

It is written, “A woman can change a man, if he is still wearing diapers.”

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I agree with Judi. My best friend has been with someone who dabbled (sometimes heavily) in drugs and there have been many arguments between them about his drug use. He did clean up a lot, for the most part, but there are still times when he’ll do them. And she actually enables him, whether or not that’s how she chooses to see it. Because rather than have him go off somewhere without her, she’ll agree to doing them too, just so she can be there with him. He hasn’t touched any in a while (besides pot, probably) but my best friend is pregnant now so that has something to do with it. The thing is, they were in Alaska a lot of the time, for the past two years, so he was away from temptation. Once he’s back in Portland, I can’t say that I have a lot of faith in him to resist what he was so used to. Especially because he’ll be around a lot of his friends, that are into the same things.

If someone wants to change, it shouldn’t be for circumstantial reasons. It needs to be for them and them alone. Until the day comes that they realize that, I wouldn’t put all of your heart and soul into someone that has an addiction. Definitely don’t stop being friends with the person, but just don’t put your heart on the line. Also because if it doesn’t work out between you two, he’ll be much more likely to abuse substances again – because depression and drug use go hand in hand a lot of the time.

jca's avatar

i think he may be putting his best foot forward for now, because your relationship is new, but if i were you i wouldn’t count on it to last. there are usually some deep underlying reasons why people are alcoholics (like genetics, or mood disorders like anxiety) and so i wouldn’t count on your affection to keep this at bay. i think he may have good intentions, no, forget i said that. who knows what his intentions are – he may be telling you what he thinks you want to hear. he may even begin doing what he wants and not telling you. maybe not now, but he might start when he thinks you trust him.

cyndyh's avatar

I think it depends on a lot of things. Is it use or abuse? Are we talk addiction or social habit? If it’s addiction, what is he willing to do to get clean and prove himself clean to you? Which drugs? What’s the “whatnot” part of your example?

“Baby, I’ll quit shooting horse and having sex with random men to support my addiction. No, you can’t come in my room. It’s all messy. Trust me on this. You have to trust me.”

is very different than

“If you don’t feel comfortable when I have a drink at parties, I won’t do it. Yes, you can check and we can just go out to parties less if you want -whatever would make you more comfortable.”

There’s a whole lot of shades of gray in between, too.

Comedian's avatar

I believe that if it’s true love, he (or even she) will change for the one he (or she) loves

Knotmyday's avatar

I’ve seen folks change dramatically for a person, without being asked. It can be done. If you expect someone to change to fit your ideology, watch out.

Allie's avatar

I think the only way for people to change is if they want to change. No one else can make them do anything. People can encourage someone to change, but nothing really happens until that person decides for themselves that they want something different for themselves. Yes, I think it can be done, but he has to want to do it, not her wanting him to do it.

Bri_L's avatar

I did it for my wife. It was and emotional thing but I did it. going on 14 years and still a battle but still changed. If he wants it.

CelticsFan's avatar

it’s not impossible, you just have to give him a chance to prove himself. No, it’s not going to happen overnight, but u need not stress him about it. And remember…u don’t have to be in any situation that u don’t want to be in…so if its that much of a problem for you, then just leave.

cdwccrn's avatar

My first husband could not or would not stop drinking beer for a wife, two beautiful kids and a home. He moved on to find a woman drinking partner.
They married and drank till his dying days. Sad. Broke hearts.

CHAYO1976's avatar

people can change but for them not for no one else because once they do it for another person they have an excuse to just back down ,and go back to old habits…

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