For those who have gone through the stages of grief, what are tips on how to handle the denial wearing off?

For me, I just tried to keep in mind that this was just one in a long string, all four of my grand parents, several of my aunts and uncles, and so it will go on. My parents believe they meet all their predecessor’s in the afterlife, and that is a positive note to hold to. She is still in my life with her advice and her assurance of her love.

For me, my mom died 8 years ago. She had cancer for six years and it was only in about the last six months of her life that she looked like she was going downhill.

I still think about her every day. Other people that i know, when I ask them if they think about their deceased parents every day, they say yes so I am guessing it won’t go away, at least for me.

Sometimes I think that there’s something I’d like to tell her, and how we used to talk on the phone if I had some news. Sometimes I think that she would be proud of my daughter, or she would give my daughter some guidance (my daughter is a senior in high school). Sometimes I just think about the incredible art that my mother did. Sometimes I think about how she would annoy me and our relationship wasn’t always rosey. Sometimes I think about when I was growing up, and how she was a simialr mother to the one I am, or she was different in some ways, and I think about my childhood and the things we used to do. Sometimes when people talk about cancer, I think about my mothers battle with it and how it affected her and how it affected the family. So it’s not like constant thoughts or obsessing, it’s just like little windows during the day, where I’m peeking into the life that we used to have, or she is peeking into the life I have now.

I think about other people who were close to me who are deceased now, but not every day.

When my mom was in the last stages of her life, I went to a grief counselor that was provided by Jewish Community Services. I’m not Jewish but this service was for everyone. I think it was on a sliding scale, or no cost. I remember it didn’t matter what insurance I had and she didn’t take my insurance information at all. I went twice, once before my mom died and once after. After the first time, she told me to think of some things I wanted to say to my mom, if there was anything I felt like saying to her. I thought about it, and I discussed it with my sister, and we both said the things and it makes me cry right now to think about it.

She died at home in a hospital bed, and we saw her before the funeral parlor took the body to the funeral parlor.

Grief is different for everyone and it affects everyone in different ways. It’s unpredictable, so what ways it affected me and for how long will be different than ways it affected other people and for how long.

Look to see if Jewish Community Services are in your area. You might want to see if they have grief counseling, because if they do, it might not be connected to your insurance.

When I saw this grief counselor, I also didn’t have to wait weeks for the appointment, which is what is typical with therapists nowadays.

When my mother died I felt a powerful sense of shock. I had trouble processing what had happened. It felt as though my mother was in another room of the house but a room I could never enter. In time the sense of grief faded. At times, like right now, she seems quite close and I feel a sense of guilt, because there are many things I would do otherwise given another chance. I am glad I have children, they give me a chance to do better.

I am sorry you are going through this. Denial and bartering is such a tough phase of grieving.
In reality, this is so fresh and recent an event. Acceptance will come. When my Father passed it took awhile. My turning point was in changing those thoughts into honoring his life. Reflecting on all the good he did for everyone. Remembering the positive things brought me peace.
My Mom told me a story soon after he passed where she went to breakfast with her friends. In that same restaurant she passed a table of some of my dads friends. They exchanged hellos and one gentleman pointed to an empty chair and said that was for my dad. He will always be with them. I teared up just recalling this story.
For me that helped me know I wasn’t alone in this. That his spirit lives on in may wats and with many people who knew him.
Your acceptance will come at some point. I wish you speed for this.

In short, time. Grief is different for everyone because people are all different and the causes of the grief are all different. How you process your grief is not going to be how I process grief. But the common characteristic seems to be the time it takes to process your grief. This article does a good job of explaining the steps involved (remember that after denial you still have other stages you need to be prepared for) but also gives some ideas of things that can help with the various stages.

I’ve always looked at grief as being something that is a bit of a high-wire act to get through. You have to let yourself go through it, but if you dwell too deeply, you could find yourself in a depression. I know losing your mom was traumatic for you and I am sorry you are going through this. It’s even harder when you are young. If it were me and I felt stuck in the denial phase, I think I’d do something like have a party for family and friends to celebrate your mom’s life. The good and the bad. It will help you acknowledge her death but take some of the pain away by focusing on good things about her as well as realizing all the people that her life impacted. They will all be grieving too. An alternative, if you aren’t up to organizing a party, take some time every day to think of something about your mom that you loved. Take the time to appreciate the time you had. Focus on the good. This will also help you find that you are acknowledging her passing but will blunt a bit of the pain. The loss will always be there, no way around that. But you can start the healing process in a good way, I think. But I’m not a therapist, nor do I play one on TV. Just some anonymous schmoe on the internet.

There is little that one can do when losing someone. When grief calls it is mostly out of our control. The only way out is through. Just have comfort that one day it will resolve itself.

Just ride it out.

When I lost my marriage, there were times that being with friends and keeping busy helped and times I was just grief stricken. I’m glad you’re here and sharing with us.

I remember that @janbb. Hope we helped some too.

^^ Yes, you did.

I thank you all for being patient with my spam of questions about my mother.

Last night, all of a sudden I was scared to use the restroom or go into her room to feed the cats it’s like I am scared she’s in there. Somedays are easier but last night that image would not leave my head. I want therapy but how is it gonna stop that image how do I get rid of it? I don’t know.

Kinda where I am at right now. A mix of being in denial, being scared of being in that house, and really depressed and physically exhausted.

My line of thinking is that if this is how the first stage is for me the rest are going to suck even more.

It feels so bleak thinking about how I will never get over this- I would not truly want to, but it is just a dark thought. All my milestones such as marriage and such will be a little less exciting without her.

Ugh. I need my mom.

A big hug, SQ! You’ve grown up so much since we’ve known you. Hang in there – you may be in the hardest stage right now. If you can, when the terrible images of your mother dead come in, try to superimpose an image of your Mom with you in a happier time. It takes practice!

Aw, @SergeantQueen, it all sucks, but really, leaning on the people you can makes it survivable, and sometimes the stranger-friends on the internet are the safest to rant at.

Be well, Sweetie, we are all here for you. <3

Profound loss is like losing an arm or a leg, in a way. It doesn’t hurt forever, but there will always be a part of you that’s missing.

The five stages of grief were originally meant to describe how terminally ill patients process their own impending death, not the loss of someone else. In my experience, grief doesn’t follow a neat, predictable path. It’s much messier than that. It’s more likely that you’ll experience all those “stages” in one day, only to feel completely numb the next. It’s like being on a terrifying and nausea-inducing rollercoaster ride. Relevant quote from the article above: "Denial is the brain’s way of making sure that one doesn't get too high a dose of grief too soon."

You don’t have to force yourself to accept your mom’s death right now. That’s not something that needs to happen immediately, and not even soon. Accepting the loss could be a long-term goal, but at this moment, it’s okay to be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to imagine she’s just in the next room, and it’s okay to believe you’ll talk to her again. Some losses are just too much to process all at once—that’s why people invented ideas like heaven. It’s a way to comfort ourselves when the pain feels unbearable.

“My line of thinking is that if this is how the first stage is for me the rest are going to suck even more.”

I really don’t believe that. I think most humans on Earth would agree that you’re in one of the worst possible situations right now, considering your age, the sudden death, and the traumatic images. You will get better.

“All my milestones such as marriage and such will be a little less exciting without her.”

It feels impossible now, but humans are incredibly resilient. I think you might find that eventually, it will feel like your mom is still with you and enjoying these moments. I’m saying this without any spirituality, though you personally might find comfort in religion, of course.

“I want therapy but how is it gonna stop that image, how do I get rid of it?”

I’m surprised and alarmed you are not in therapy already. Please go. I can’t tell you how it works, but from personal experience, I know that therapists can absolutely help with scary images. They might help you handle them with therapy-adjacent practices (meditation, meds, journaling, honouring your mom’s life in meaningful ways), or they might do cathartic exercises with you in the office.

When I was in my early twenties, I lost a good friend in a tragic and unexpected way. We (his group of friends) were too young to be going through something like that. Two things really helped: First, we never stopped talking about him—even a decade later. Second, after the funeral, we all went to counseling together. We went in feeling like we’d just woken up from a nightmare, terrified and raw. We left still sad, but with a little less of that “raw” feeling. I don’t know how or why it works, but I promise it’s worth giving it a try. Don’t worry about insurance right now. In a crisis, even one conversation with a professional can make a huge difference in how you feel.

There’s a book that really helped me with grief: Resilient Grieving. It was the only thing I found that truly captured the depth of the sadness and helplessness I felt. Especially the audio version is helpful.

Another thing that helped me understand grief better is realizing that the brain processes emotional pain much like physical pain. So, just like you’d treat physical pain with something soothing, you can ease your emotional pain in small ways. It might not make the pain go away completely, but it can help a little. Try eating something comforting, taking a warm shower or bath, or getting a massage. Using a weighted blanket, hugging a stuffed animal (or a real one), or taking pain meds can help ease some of the intensity of what you’re feeling. In case self-care is hard, here’s the interactive flow-chart.

I truly hate that you’re going through this. I hope that, today, you find some moments of peace, and that tonight, you’ll have happy dreams of your mom. You deserve some comfort right now.

On the images in your head. Hon you have to block it out intentionally. The unspeakable horror of parts of it will never leave but you can tune them out if they get disruptive. If one of those hurtful scenes pop up, I tell myself no because its like salt in a wound. Does no hood and hurts your heart.
Another trick i learned was pretending to myself mom was out of town. Just to sleep.
All I can say is be kind to yourself and others and just know for awhile you may be a little effed up.
Two years later and I know I still am not fully recovered from losing my mom.

I recommend mindfulness meditation.

It’s been a while since I’ve had to do this, but going through and sorting their things is grounding. You’re doing something that you’d never do if they were still alive. It’s best if you don’t do it alone. Have someone who loves you with you.

It’s different for everyone, but in general, I think 4–6 months is fairly typical to finally start to feel normal again and not wake up thinking about the loss. You still might think about her every day, but one day suddenly you will be hours into the day and realize you hadn’t thought about her or felt the loss until that moment, and that moment is much later in the day than it has been for months. Even still, I think it can take one to two years to really move into acceptance and truly into a new normal when you lose someone so meaningful in your life and who you interacted with daily.

One month is a very short time for such a loss, but I know it doesn’t feel short dealing with the emotions. I think it’s a very good sign you want to feel better actually.

Mourning is unpredictable. The different stages of denial, anger, sadness, they don’t happen in perfect order it’s more like a circle with some emotions calming down and then coming back in a wave. Usually each wave has a shorter duration as time passes.

I used to go to therapy when I was getting recurring nightmares from stress in my real life. It helped, so I think it might help the feelings you described when you are in the house.