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jeffnearlife's avatar

I'm a single male, 26 years old, any advice for finding that special lady?

Asked by jeffnearlife (24points) September 26th, 2008

I’ve dated alot and had several long term relationships, but nothing that’s made it to marriage. That’s a big thing I want in my life, but it seems like I can’t make it happen. Just wondering if there were any words of wisdom out there.

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13 Answers

jca's avatar

you’re young, relax. you’ll find one when it’s time. try not to give in to pressure from family and friends. enjoy being single.

JackAdams's avatar

The only advice I might be able to offer, is that when you find someone who you think is right for you, live with her for 5 years, before you marry her.

If you survive for 5 years living together, then your marriage will probably last even longer.

scamp's avatar

Sometimes you will find what you are looking for if you don’t look so hard. It happened for me. ica’s right. If you relax, it will happen when it’s time. Enjoy your youth. It fades faster than you think. Good luck to you and Welcome to fluther.

Fieryspoon's avatar

I tried lots of internet dating sites, and, in the end, I decided that most of the women in my age group (I’m 25) were just looking for reassurement that someone thought they were attractive, and not looking for a real, long-term relationship. I went on more than one date with a few of them, but nothing seemed to work out. I’m also under the impression that until we’re older, the dating ball is in the womens’ court. As a man, you’ll write all the emails and make all the first moves. I must have written ten or fifteen for every response I got. It’s very disheartening and very difficult to motivate yourself to continue writing emails, knowing full-well that it’s highly unlikely it will have any impact on whether or not she responds. I’m not an unattractive dude, so I’m not sure what the “trick” is here.

The best results I had through the internet was buying two concert tickets to a concert I want to go to. Then posting on craigslist saying something like :“I have two tickets to so-and-so. For you, the ticket is free, and I’ll take you out to dinner afterward. If you’re interested, send me an email with a picture of yourself”. It was more charming when I wrote those before though. I was able to find some reasonably well adjusted, attractive, friendly, women, with whom I already knew shared some of my tastes in music.

I tried “picking up some chicks” in a club, but that was pretty much a terrible idea. I was dancing with some woman all night. Then drove her home. Then kissed her in the car and got her phone number. I called back later and she said she had a boyfriend. Lame. So she just wanted to know that someone thought she was attractive too.

I was able to find my current girlfriend through a party put on by a mutual friend. It was a relatively safe environment to introduce myself, or be introduced. We were acquaintances for about two years before I asked her out to take some swing dancing lessons.

My girlfriend claims that she knew she’d like me when I took her out swing dancing because a) it showed I could be confident and comfortable being in control (swing dancing is a leader-follower dancing style), b) it’s an excuse to make physical contact, which makes going in for a first kiss less harrowing, c) it’s a good demonstration for the limits of your patience with both her and yourself, and d) you don’t have the pressure to be perfect at it, since you’re both learning something new, and having a pretty fun time sharing that with her.

I’ve also heard taking a girl out on a motorcycle is good for the same reasons, since she’ll need to wrap her arms around you, while you’re going to your first date. I don’t ride a motorcycle though, so I don’t know how good it is.

Melonking's avatar

Maybe the type of people you are dating just are not the right type. You should look for people in places that you like, such as a stately house that is open to the public if you like things like that or an adventure centre. That way you can find people more like you.

flameboi's avatar

stop looking, the right person will show up at the right time, you can’t hurry love, you just need to be patient, and have your eyes wide open, you never know where that person will show up in your life :)

jeffnearlife's avatar

flameboi, that was very diana ross of you…love it. “you can’t hurry love”

flameboi's avatar

Oh really, didn’t notice that, my mom used to tell me that, she was right :)

Melonking's avatar

Mine edited to fit in with the don’t hurry love theme: Keep an eye out in places you like go to them often then you could spot someone, or someone might spot you…. why am I giving advice on this…. ignore me i don’t know anything on this matter.

flameboi's avatar

by the way jeff, welcome to fluther, we can’t always find what we are looking for, but there’s PnL and Wildflower and John powell and astrochuck, jack adams, scamp and many others that will try to help, or at least, will make you laugh :) I’m here to light up the fire :)

deaddolly's avatar

welcome jeffnearlife! I think you’re trying to hard as well. Relax. Make yourself available.
Smile often. Get a dog or borrow a friends.
It may not happen next week or next month, but it’ll happen. Focus on yourself until then.

SuperMouse's avatar

Kevbo, he needs your book recommendation! I picked a copy up for a male friend and he is loving it!

marinelife's avatar

Hi, jeffnearlife, welcome to Fluther. Maybe you could fill out your profile—interests, etc., and some nice woman will PM you!

Meanwhile, what do you think the issues are? Is there a pattern to the women you are picking that might make them unsuitable as a mate? Are you standards impossibly high? What do you bring as a potential mate to a relationship? Spending some time analyzing yourself, your past relationships, and what you are looking for might be help.

Life has no timetable. As several others have said, things happen when we are not trying so hard. Resolve to enjoy your life as it is right now. Pursue your hobbies (maybe join a group that engages in those activities hiking, book club [mystery, sci fi, whatever], kayaking, birdwatching, etc.) Date, but relax, everyone doesn’t have to be “the one” first or second date. Go to meet people and have fun.

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