How would you handle a disturbing question from a 5 year old boy?

Children process death way differently than adults. They understand someones dead but they don’t understand permanent or forever.

Punishing them for being curious is horrible. ESPECIALLY if it is their father that they lost at a young age. Is it insensitive, yes. Telling them that it is okay to ask questions, they just need to be careful is how you approach this.

You use this as a teaching moment. You don’t threaten a kid for being a kid. That’s his father. He is going to be curious.

When my mom died, my 4 year old niece kept talking about how my mom was dead. Even telling me that when I first walked in the door. Did it suck? Of course. But she is a child processing a difficult concept the only way she knows how- talking about it and asking questions. My mother was always over there. It is a loss for them too.

I would use my words like a proper adult to explain in terms they understand why those questions aren’t the best thing to ask.

Do not threaten a child for being a child. Good Lord.

Edit to add: Doing what you say you would might just scare the kid into not wanting to ask any question about their dad for fear of being punished. That is not right.

If I were the mother I’d say, “Yeah, probably. You want me to find a place where you can see a real skeleton?”. It’s not a big deal—it’s an honest, cool, scientifically curious question and deserves an honest answer. My daughter was 5 when my dad died, and her comment was, “Well, no more grandpas!” I went, “Nope!”

I completely agree with @MakeItSo1701

Oh, and never, ever, ever spank a kid. That’s way more horrible than answering the honest question. Anybody who paddles a kid is committing child abuse and the fact that you suggested is WAY more disturbing than the kid’s question.

Fully agree^ But did not say that for fear of causing a debate that I don’t care to have.

@MakeItSo1701 Hell, I never back away from a debate on Fluther.

Also, dedicating an hour or so where they can ask any question they want might stop awkward and disturbing questions at random moments. Giving them a judgement free space where they can talk.

@gondwanalon You WOULD? Really? What’s your relationship to this 5-year-old?

I’m slighty stunned at the multiple violence in your suggestion.

For me, it would entirely depend on who the kid is to me, what I know about them and the conversations that have already happened around the situation, who their mother is, what my relationship is to her, and what she has told me about it all.

A generic answer might start with, “I don’t know” and continue with sympathy, not reprimands, threats, or warnings.

I’d say: let’s put on these trash bag costumes; sneak into the landfill where he’s buried, and dig him up- then we’ll be able to determine the state of daddy’s decomposition! ;-)

I would never, ever say any threat like if you ask that again you’ll get a good paddling. WTF.

I would probably answer it in a matter of fact way, like “he might be” or “it might be.”

If a 5 year old asked me that, I’d likely joke that it was an odd question and ask him why he asked. Just to see how his mind is working. It might just be curiosity about the process of death. I’m not sure it was a hurtful question.

Wait what?! You are kidding right about the never ask again and paddling thing right? Is your fluther account hacked?

I’d probably say, “I don’t know, but it’s possible.”

Depending on the kid’s expression, if he looks very sad or worried I might ask him what he thinks or if he is worried about it to try to comfort him or reduce his anxiety. Maybe he’s afraid it hurts, I mean you never know with very young children. As a young boy my husband thought his matchbox cars had feelings, so he was really careful with them.

I wouldn’t put ideas in the child’s head, but if he looked uneasy I’d let him ask another question. I might tell him to ask his mom if I felt I was doing something that might counter her beliefs. Death has a lot of beliefs tangled into the subject. I don’t like to interfere with other people’s children.

There is nothing disturbing about that question.
Your immediate jump to respond to it with violence is disturbing.
The answer to the question of course depends on what was done with the carcass.
1. “Nah, Timmy, we burned the body into ash. The urn is over there.”
2. “Nah, Timmy, we turned the body into mince meat, and threw the bones out. Now eat your daddy burger.”
3. “Nah, Timmy, we taxidermied the body. Stuffed Daddy will be delivered next week. Do you want him in your room?”
4. “Not yet, Timmy. Wait until halloween, when we put it up as decoration!”

Children are curious and their question should be answered honestly. They are struggling, like all of us, with what happens when you die. If you tell a child never to ask that question again, they will lose their trust in you and not ask other important questions. Why not just give them an factual answer? And actually I don’t find the question particularly disturbing. If one feels that the mother has a spiritual belief she wants to impart to the child, you could suggest that they discuss it with their parent.

If you were not being facetious for some strange reason in your details, you should not be dealing with young children.

I don’t think that is disturbing at all coming from a 5 year old.
There are so many personal beliefs that come into this question and how one would respond.
My answer would come from the truth of the matter.

@gondwanalon: “And if you do you’re going to get a good paddling.”

What the actual fuck?

Thank you all for your responses.
To @Zaku and everyone else: 69 years ago I was the little 5 year old boy who asked that disturbing question to my Mother. My Mother’s immediate response was to say, “Yes he’s a skeleton” and quickly leave the room. Leaving me by myself as usual. She never ever hit me physically. No discipline. Never had a conversation with me.

@gondwanalon That is sad. Thanks for sharing the explanation. My mother was a nutjob but always answered my questions carefully and honestly.

@janbb Did you know that being ignored causes the same chemical reaction in the the brain as being physically hit?

No I didn’t.

@gondwanalon I am wondering why you suggested hitting the child, especially when you weren’t brought up that way.

@jca2 I’ve never hit or spanked a child and I was never physically hit. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. Now I know. Thanks.

Sorry you experienced that loss at such a young age.

Maybe you were somewhat neglected as a child, neglect has some profound effects. My father was neglected to an extent, and if not for living in NYC who knows where he would have wound up.

It’s hard for a parent experiencing that type of loss and I assume she had to worry about supporting her children too. It had to be a very difficult time for your mom. The whole family suffers in different ways.

My grandma and her niece lost their fathers at age 5. It was always obvious to me she missed him her entire life. She had several childhood memories she would tell me. Traumatic.

@gondwanalon Thanks for sharing that. It’s really a vivid example of the impact an interaction can have as a child. I have a death conversation from about age 5 that shaped a lot of my organization, too.

@gondwanalon, I’m glad you explained. For a minute, I thought time had reversed itself and we were in the 1800s. Next time, start with, ” hypothetically, how would you handle this”. Yeah, I would just want to know why does the child wants to know. Is the child asking out of curiosity or fear? The thought of turning to bones after death could be something very frightening to a child who is 5. Even if it were my child and my spouse, I would think that I would recognize that the child is simply processing the death now that he’s a year older. Not asking to hurt me. I would even wonder if maybe the child is being picked on and told his father is bones now. Of course, not everyone processes the pain from the death of a loved one the same. Sometimes people can remain in a diffused state for a few years.

“Did you know that being ignored causes the same chemical reaction in the the brain as being physically hit?” It’s actually worse

Here is a novel idea. Why not just tell the truth? When we die, our skin and organs decay quickly, leaving behind a skeleton, which will last longer.