General Question

maybe_KB's avatar

How can you tell when a man is gay?

Asked by maybe_KB (669points) September 27th, 2008

There’s a guy @ the office that all the girls just go GOO-GOO over.
However, he’s so metro.
It’s been a month old question amongst half the staff (incl. 2 other guys-one of which IS gay)
What would be a tell-tell sign for you?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

50 Answers

wundayatta's avatar

When he tells you!

JackAdams's avatar

I wondering: If you find out either way, will it make a difference in the way you treat him?

SuperMouse's avatar

You just have to have “gay-dar.” Either that or you could ask him.

sundayBastard's avatar

He will look someone on one of those Got Milk? commercials.

critter1982's avatar

YOu can buy some gay-dar online.

maybe_KB's avatar

@ Jack…No, never..

scamp's avatar

Any reason why you can’t simply ask him? Why do you need to know?

PupnTaco's avatar

If he is sexually attracted to other men, that’d be a pretty definite indicator.

googlybear's avatar

When he introduces you to his significant other….

maybe_KB's avatar

Even though were approaching 2009, there are still (many)
reservation in admitting ones sexual preference.
He does not have to expose his attraction (male or female).
That would be ones personal preference
asking him, I feel, would be a bit personal though.
Don’t you?
“Hey, I like your slacks. Are you gay?”

Celeste00's avatar

Be a hot girl, and try to have sex with him. If he doesn’t want to, you know. Works for me every time.

maybe_KB's avatar

@ Celeste. I know, Right?

loser's avatar

If he always wears really nice shoes…

tinyfaery's avatar

If you really must know then ask him questions about the stuff he does: vacationing, weekend plans, holidays. Pay attention to the way he answers. Does the discussion remain gender neutral? Do pronouns come easily? Just be his friend, it will come out sooner or later.

tWrex's avatar

Grab his tush and see what happens… That’d be the quickest way.

Mr_M's avatar

Does he have a credit card from Ikea?

MrMontpetit's avatar

It’s impossible, unless he tells you straight out.

MrMontpetit's avatar

Oops, I guess I shouldn’t of said it “straight” out.

marinelife's avatar

@MrMontpetit Nice pun!

MrMontpetit's avatar

Not intended :P

marinelife's avatar

You can’t tell what someone’s orientation is from observation. I like tinyfaerie’s approach.

Why not just get to know him better and be yourself around him?

Even if he is straight, he may well not respond to blatant sexual come-ons so if you are interested, I would not suggest that spproach since it might be a big turnoff.

syz's avatar

Why do you care? It’s none of your business unless he chooses to tell you.

Kay's avatar

Maybe when he introduces you to his boyfriend…

charliecompany34's avatar

hey, um, i wear nice shoes and, well, i am not gay. just responding to earlier answer upstairs there.

but anyway, he will most likely tell you he is gay either by spoken word or letter. i was naive for years in college with a buddy of mine who i believed to be a best friend. i was too young to see through it all and did not pay attention to parents who could see through it. parents really do know everything.

one day while in journalism class, he passed me a long note. it was the inevitable. after that episode i had to cut him off in disgust and disbelief.

but he, after all these years, is still a real cool friend. we just know the boundaries.

deaddolly's avatar

I’d ask him. In a friendly way and out of earshot of others.

poofandmook's avatar

See, I’m sort of offended by this. I’m not gay, but my dad just came out to me last Christmas. When I was a teenager, he and I worked part-time at the same grocery store (he was going to nursing school and working full time as a behavioral health counselor as well), and all of our co-workers that were openly gay would come and talk to me and tell me that they “just knew” he was gay, and then ask me about it. If I hadn’t already found out he was gay, which they didn’t know, that would’ve been horrible for me. Now granted, your situation probably is nothing like mine. But all the same, it’s none of your business if he’s gay, and if he doesn’t want to tell you, he has his reasons… none of which are your business, either. I really do not understand the obsession with who someone’s banging in their free time. Why is it that nobody cares about whose beds straight people are leaving their shoes under?

lefteh's avatar

Can’t know for sure unless he tells you.
Or if you ask him. I’m queer, and I wouldn’t get pissed off if somebody asked me. It’s a fair question. If I don’t want you knowing, I won’t tell you when you ask.
You can, however, have a gut feeling. I find that for some people, their gut feelings are often correct.

poofandmook's avatar

@lefteh: You aren’t the least bit annoyed that someone would be so presumptuous and nosy? It’s no different than asking about your personal health matters, or your income, or any of those other things that people shouldn’t really be asking about.

deaddolly's avatar

@poofandmook I agree…who cares, it’s just something for the water cooler. That’s why I hate working in normal offices; someone’s always in someone’s business.
Perhaps the openly gay co-worker is interested in him?

Coming out to ppl you work with is not easy for anyone. you never know how ppl will react both to your face and behind your back.

lefteh's avatar

@poof: I would not be offended if someone asked me about my personal health or income. I think I am an exceptionally open person.

poofandmook's avatar

@lefteh: I like to think I’m open too, but that sort of thing just strikes a nerve with me. Maybe it’s only because of the situation I described above, but still. Kudos to you if you’re not bothered by it though.

cyndyh's avatar

Let’s also remember that this is work we’re talking about. You need to respect certain boundaries at work more than you would at other – social – places. A lot of what’s described above could very well be sexually harassing to this particular guy. Leave his sex life alone.

galileogirl's avatar

Why do you want to know? Are you afraid or attracted? Do you wonder about his his religion, his politics, his favorite color, his tipping policy, how he treats his mother, his honesty, his zodiac sign, his relationship status, his feelings about kids and dogs. I can assure you all of things will tell you more about him as a human being than his preferred sexual position.

OOPS, maybe you don’t care about people, you’d rather sit around gossiping about the sex lives of your coworkers….well people who can, do. People who can’t just like to imagine it.

maybe_KB's avatar

While reading through some of these responses
I’m left w/ a wide array of emotions about the question asked
Is it NOT o.k. to ask Fluther?
(It’s like, 1 of the few questions I’ve asked that hasn’t been removed, so i assume i’m in the green:)
Lord…Don’t back fire on me
@ syz. I guess i am to feel stupid?
@ Kay I chuckle
@ poofandmook Dr. Phil
@ lefteh it’s common

Oh, and @ galileogirl The man is beautiful!
(Enough said)

syz's avatar

No. I just hate office place gossip and speculation. Would you like people speculating about your private business? Really, unless you’re planning on asking him out or having sex with him, why do you care?

tWrex's avatar

@maybe_KB it’s the high and mighty elitists and thought police that don’t believe you should be able to discuss anything that might offend them. screw the rest of us or our feelings. as long as it goes along with what is “ok” in the eye of the “collective”.

galileogirl's avatar

OOH. I get to be an elitist, what fun! Yeah screw the people who think what’s more important is what is in someone’s heart and mind than what’s in his pants. We’re stomping all over YOUR tender feelings when we call you out for adolescent gossip behind this guy’s back. Grow up.

tWrex's avatar

Number one: I can already guess what’s in his pants.
Number two: Acting high and mighty like your opinion is the only one that matters is elitist. Is it possible that question asker feels uncomfortable about the situation and so they came here to best gauge how to handle it?
Number three: No one said that the persons other qualities were not important, but as far as being relevant to the question, they are not.
Number four: He did mention in his question that another person in his office who is gay is curious, so maybe it’s to try and help him out, since he too is confused. Maybe he want’s to approach him, but doesn’t want to make it awkward if he indeed is straight.
Number five: <Removed by Fluther Moderators>

galileogirl's avatar

1. It’s nice you do your guessing on the job.
2. Any opinion that doesn’t agree with yours is elitist and high and mighty? How did you miss hoity-toity and snooty?
3. Who said his sexual preferences were any business of his co-workers, but that doesn’t stop them from entertaining themselves at the expense of his privacy. Rude, crude and I repeat, adolescent.
4. Everybody’s doing it, make that pre-adolescent.
5. Hi fluther moderators, what do you think?

poofandmook's avatar

Let me make two things clear here:

-I don’t care if you ask on Fluther. I should’ve been more clear on that. Your question here doesn’t offend me. The speculation at this man’s place of employment offends me.

-I don’t need Dr. Phil. But apparently, you need some workplace manners?

tWrex's avatar

Has no one ever gossiped about someone at their workplace before? Or is it the subject matter that is offensive? Just curious since everyone wants to put this guy on the cross for asking.

@poofandmook I wasn’t attempting to portray Dr. Phil, just providing a different POV. And I don’t work at this place of employment and if I was questioning someones sexual preference I would just ask because speculating on it, for me, is pointless. I’m pretty much a straight up kind of guy so I don’t beat around the bush. Sugar coating things to make people feel more comfortable with what I have to say is beyond me. Being up-front and straight forward is how I deal with my life. However I am not the question asker so my answers are directed towards how they may feel about dealing with the situation since they seem apprehensive about it.

tWrex's avatar

@poofandmook Just realized that you probably weren’t talking to me. My bad. But my points are still valid to the conversation. ツ (smiley jacked from robmandu)

poofandmook's avatar

@tWrex: You’re correct, in that I wasn’t talking to you about the Dr. Phil thing. It’s not about gossip, persay. You can gossip about tons of things and nothing will happen. But you gossip about someone’s sexual preference, if they’re not open about it, and it could do more damage than good. What if there is a bigoted boss or co-worker involved? You can argue that HR and the law protects him against discrimination but I think everyone who’s worked in an office environment knows there are fifty-eleven ways to skirt around it and still make things more difficult for the guy, or conveniently choose someone else for that promotion, etc. etc. the list goes on. And while I’m on the subject of HR and all the politics contained therein, if that guy was offended by all the gossip and/or someone asking them outright, he could claim it’s sexual harrassment.

Again, just my two cents.

tWrex's avatar

@poofandmook No you’re definitely right in all of your points about it. It’s a sticky situation and probably best left to off the clock conversation, if it even needs to be had. There are loads of things that could go wrong for both the employee and employer and there are those bosses that look down on it. Personally, I grew up with two aunts so it’s natural to me and I don’t care, but to others they just can’t get over it. I’m not saying that I don’t think it’s unnatural (I’m not saying they are, I’m saying being attracted to the same sex is since our base instinct is to reproduce. Flame me if you will, but I mean no harm in that statement.), but I also don’t think it should affect your employment or anything else for that matter. If you’re a good, decent human being who has a different preference in your sexual orientation, who gives a shit. I know lots of straight people that are pricks and do crappy work at their job. Fire them for being straight and a bad worker.

scamp's avatar

@maybe_KB You said above:
Oh, and @ galileogirl The man is beautiful!
(Enough said)

So I guess you are interested in this guy. Maybe you could just ask him if he has a girlfriend? Good luck!!

poofandmook's avatar

@tWrex: It shouldn’t affect your employment, but it could.

tWrex's avatar

@poofandmook I agree 100%.

maybe_KB's avatar

@ Poofandmook
This Q: Is NOT in any way directed to offend you personally!
I read anger (& like you said resentment RE: your childhood)
into the responses you’re repeatedly providing
This site is for the ‘collective’.
I am NOT obsessed (in ANY way).
Keep it fun
I’m sure we’ll meet again_:)
well not ACTUALLY meet, but you know what i mean

poofandmook's avatar

That’s the thing.. it’s not resentment about my childhood. I knew my dad was gay when people were asking me about it. But I know my dad, and I know how private he is. So, I was pissed that people were speculating (especially to, of all people, his daughter) at his PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT about his SEXUALITY. I was pissed that people were prying into his life. And that’s the only thing I keep repeating, really.

TaoSan's avatar

GAYDAR….......silly goose!

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