General Question

SuperMouse's avatar

Have you ever disowned a relative? Had a relative disown you?

Asked by SuperMouse (30793points) September 27th, 2008

If yes are you willing to share the circumstances?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

30 Answers

gimmedat's avatar

No and no.

JackAdams's avatar

Yes & Yes.

SuperMouse's avatar

So Jack, share away…

knittingandcanning's avatar

Yes, I haven’t spoken to my father in 5 years. I have quite a few reasons for excluding him from my life but most of them are small and seem unimportant when looked at individually. One example: my dad yelling at me over the phone telling me that my mom, younger brother and I should have to travel from L.A. to Seattle to visit him because he’s spent 40-some thousand dollars in child-support payments throughout the years. It’s actually a lot more complicated than that and was rather distroying at the time. I was 15. I felt as if he valued his money and time more than his children and ex-wife. Anyway, every “bad” thing he did to either me, my brothers or mother accumulated throughout the years and that moment was the tipping point. I had had enough, and called it quits for good.

gailcalled's avatar

I have taken a time-out from two close relatives; with one we then rebuilt a much more honest and sincere connection. The other (my mother) never “got it,“and ruined a fair fight by getting old and demented. Now, I treat her with respect and am a good care-giver. In some ways, feeling distanced and dispassionate makes it easier for me to be helpful. I expect nothing.

augustlan's avatar

My mother’s brother molested me for 13 years. When I was an adult, I cut him out of my life. When I finally accepted the fact that she knew, and A) never called the police B) never kicked him out the house and C) was actually quite friendly with him, it devastated me. I hid this from her for many years, to protect her (ah, the irony). When it finally became too much to bear, I ended our relationship. Very, very painful – but perhaps the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.

deaddolly's avatar

I’ve never done it, but my mother disowned my sister for marrying 1) outside her faith ie catholic/lutheran 2) a ‘frog-faced farm boy.’ there were estranged for years which made it difficult for everyone involved. They finally reconciled when my mother became sick…she died a few weeks later, leaving a lot unsaid.

I can certainly understnad the reasons above, but could never really understand my mother’s.

marinelife's avatar

@augustlan Bless you. I am so sorry that you had to go through the horror of being molested and the double horror of not being protected by the one person who should have taken care of you. I am proud of you for cutting her out of your life.

cookieman's avatar

@augustlan: What a horrible position to have been in. You clearly made the right choice. Don’t ever doubt that. Here’s hoping the rest of your years are nothing but happiness.

augustlan's avatar

Thanks, you guys.

SuperMouse's avatar

Big hugs Augustian.

JackAdams's avatar

I guess you could say that I disowned my entire family.

In 1987, my fantastic/wonderful mother passed away. Shortly thereafter, I was publicly and falsely accused of something truly horrible (if it had been factual). Most of my so-called relations believed in my guilt, because they had never really taken the time to get to “know” me.

The accusations made against me were in retaliation by those against whom I had testified in court, due to my volunteering to help a major metropolitan police force with an undercover investigation.

The reason that my help was so valuable to them, was because whenever a police officer attempted to go undercover and infiltrate the organization being investigated, the “bad guys” always managed to find out who the undercover officer was, due to an informant in the police department who had access to personnel records.

So, because I was not an employee of that police department, and because no written records about me were kept by the ones who knew what I was doing for them, I was successful in infiltrating the organization and gathering intelligence for my friends in the police department.

The result of the information I discovered, resulted in the arrest and prosecution of no less than 600 people, many of whom were prominent in the community. So naturally, I had to be discredited, so my testimony would be disallowed by the courts.

In the process of that being done to me, several of my relatives found out that I was being accused of wrongdoing, and the nature of the charges against me, and instead of asking me if the charges were indeed true (they weren’t), they simply chose to believe them, as many of you would have, had you seen the “evidence” against me.

I was eventually cleared of all charges, and still have the letters from the Prosecutor, the Police Department involved, and the Court, absolving me of any and all complicity with those whom I was investigating. But, those letters did no good for my relatives, many of whom believed they were all part of some kind of massive “cover up.” Such is life, I guess.

It was at that point in my life, after spending much time (and several thousand dollars) to exonerate myself, that I decided to just disown my entire family. I am now celebrating my 20th year of having zero contact with any of them. And, I need to add that I have no regrets about my decision, and am happy with it. All of them can go to Hell.

Also, because I was adopted, I am not turning my back on “my own flesh and blood,” because they never were.

With regards to those who falsely accused me, I went to civil court and obtained a massive libel judgement of several million dollars being awarded to me. The “victory” was only on paper, unfortunately, because when I tried to collect my largesse, my attorneys discovered that the assets of the defendants had long ago been seized by the state and federal government, to satisfy tax liens against them.

It took me 10 years to finally pay my attorney bills, resulting from my litigation.

But, at least I was fully exonerated.

It is when you are at your lowest point, that you find out who your true friends really are.

Those who stand beside you, you keep and cherish. Those who refuse to believe in you (and in your innocence) you discard (disown).

deaddolly's avatar

@jack very well said. Some ppl don’t deserve a family.

JackAdams's avatar

I’d be happy to have you as a part of my family, if you like.

You could be my little sister…

SuperMouse's avatar

@Jack, wow! What a story! Have any of the disowned relatives tried to contact you in the past 20 years? If so did you tell them to kiss your innocent a$$?!

JackAdams's avatar

Yes, some of them have.

I would always write “Return to Shitheads” on the envelope, and place it back in the mail, unopened.

I once read a letter that had been sent to Dear Abby by this woman who asked, “I haven’t heard from my father for 14 years. How can I keep it that way?”

deaddolly's avatar

@Jack…sounds good to me. I always wanted a brother. Ezpecially a demented one, like me! What are you getting me for Xmas? (yes, i don’t beleive, but i still want pressies!!!!)

JackAdams's avatar

Send me your address via PM, and I’ll send you a genuine shrunken human head, from the island of Borneo.

I know you’ll love it, and won’t try to return it.

SuperMouse's avatar

Jack and Deaddolly, two of the people I was referring to in my answer to this question.

deaddolly's avatar

@supermouse, exactly! And exactly why the fluther tool question upset me.

@Jack Cool!!!! I will send you my work address, it’s where I get everything sent. And, now I have to think of something for you….I know!
I’ll send you a special doll…

JackAdams's avatar

Probably a DEAD one, right? [shudders]

deaddolly's avatar

Of course…a dead NUN doll. They’re the best.

Nimis's avatar

Tempted, but no.
Not that I know of.

Gail: Lurve for ruined a fair fight by getting old and demented.

gailcalled's avatar

@Nim; only funny if she is not your mother. But you get my point. One of my learned defenses was humorous and self-deprecating language, not a learning method that I would recommend, however.

Nimis's avatar

Gail: ‘Twas lurve for being funny, self-deprecating, frustrated, honest, and painful all at once.

SABOTEUR's avatar

Well, my son convinced me to co-sign for a car with the provision that he would maintain the car payments and the insurance.

He did neither, trashed the interior and ruined the transmission within a 5 month period. I’m stuck with paying for a car I don’t need and can’t afford.

I could care less if I ever see or hear from him again.

coyoacana's avatar

Yes. My father’s family pulled away from him when he embraced the theory of evolution. Distance grew when he decided he did not believe in a deity, and left the Church. His second wife, my stepmother, was Jewish, and that was the icing on the cake. I saw his family twice as a child, as this was happening. My father continued to send them money, and put his sister, who I had never met, through nursing school. My father died when I was 23, and none of his family came to the funeral. As an adult, I lived in their area for six months, but they declined to see me, though his mother was by then very old. She died a few years later. When I was 40, one of his sisters turned up on my doorstep in California. Since then I’ve seen them a bit, at their suggestion. I finally met the aunt he put through nursing school, and she burst into tears. I look just like him.

setsenia's avatar

My mother in law and step father in law are the worst. They disowned me AND their only son and step-son over facebook comments! It’s just awful! She was diagnosed with cancer last year and now that she’s returned to work and in remission, she pretty much threw us off a cliff. Being betrayed over something this stupid is bull, but if they are going to be that way, we are better off without them in our lives. They parent us and pick at everything we say, yet can post whatever offensive thing they want. It’s a total double standard.

SABOTEUR's avatar

One of my sons.

Against better judgement…my conscious screaming “NO!!!”...I cosigned the purchase of a used car.

(From a dealer my son had previously defaulted payments to, no less…)

You know what happened. Not only did he stop making agreed upon payments, in less than 6 months he managed to ruin a “like new” car. Seems he was practically living in the car, using it to store just about everything he owned in it. The car was undrivable when I finally located it..the auto repair place my son left if at had it towed from the premises.

Payed the towing company their fee and had them tow it to the dealer. The dealer promptly went out of business. Next thing I know, the police are knocking on my door, looking for the car and threatening to have my license suspended if it wasn’t returned or paid for. No one knew where it was.

The finance company eventually agreed to let me off the hook if I paid $2500.00.

Tracked my son down at his place of employment where he cursed me out for embarrassing him on his job. That’s the last time I saw him.

Good riddance.

deblee's avatar

Yes and yes. I was falsely accused of mentally abusing my teenage daughter. It was just strange and sad. I grounded her for extream disrespect and then she went missing. Worried to death the cop seid yup we know where she is your mom and her came in and called cyfd. She is at your moms. My daughter had been pushing hard to hang out with other kids on drugs and this was her constant complaint and reason for her anger. I blocked every attempt I chould. If she went missing I called the cops if she refused to come home after calling her freinds. It worked to after a while I only needed to call her freinds. I always told her she chould do appropriete suppervised activities. I told her everyday I loved her and tried to be there in any way I chould. Now my whole family beleives I abused her except my dad. He had simular accuzations aginst him that were kind of strange too. Becouse of them he didn’t get to raise us or visit us. CYFD cleared me after many wittnesses testified to them on my behalf including my daughters councilor who was helping me set limits in the home. Unfortanately, it didn’t end there my mom hired an atterney and got emergancy guardenship and a temporary restaining order. I delayed to build a case but am pysically disabled and no match for a agressive smart atterney. On top of it the opposing atterney threatoned jail for trying to get the school records in person to build my case. I explained the students r not in the adminestrative building but half way across town. The deal with the atterney was no jail time if I cancelled my other suppinas and did not obtain school or doctor records. Finailly I signed a deal giving up all contact with my daughter and other family members providing physical gardianship. During the court hearings I was in and out of the hospital as I have a serious illness. My dad seid my mom was diagnosed once as a sociopath and ruined his life as well as others. She is strange as she only bothered to visit about twice a year and lives in the same town. Even if I was in kidney failure she didnt show for me or my daughter. So why get involved now? My brother is a casualty of hers also not many mother push a teen into attempting suicide but she did. He died finally of suicide as he lived though his younger attempts A few weeks before she left my daughter calmly told me she and my mom whould win and I desurved to die alone. She also started hitting me the last month she was home. My duaghter has a history of accused her kindergarden teacher the secound day of school and my fiance at ten who left to protect himself. When she was a preschooler she pretended I was abducting her when it was time to go home from the park. I proctected all the people she accused and investegated the truth. Besides this she was a loving fairly well behaved child and young teenager. She had a lot of care and attention as a only child and I was very proud of her. Her councelor thinks the bond was broke because she watched me nearly die of my illness several times. Thanks for reading all this I wrote it because I’m not coping well at all. The illness I handeled the betrayal of my family has me on my knees. Sorry about the spelling also I’m dislexic lol

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