General Question

Lovelocke's avatar

What would your suicide note look like?

Asked by Lovelocke (1609points) September 29th, 2008


Let’s suppose you had enough. Let’s suppose that you were faced with more than you or your collective friends and family could deal with. Why not? Last month we all talked about what our last meals on death row would be… so, indulge me.

Q: What would your suicide note look like?

Would you talk about how every relationship you’ve been in ends suddenly one day with no lead-up? Would you comment about how, at your age, you are geared up for a life of irrecoverable debt… that you could live until the end of your days and not come out on top, no matter how much hard work you do? Would you comment about how your best puppy’s life is coming to an end… when you say it does? What if he didn’t want to die, and now, you don’t want to live? What if the best you could ever be is not the best, or even “good enough?” What if the best thing you could say you did for the world was bring your children into it? For every good parent, there’s an equally poor parent… for every “world’s greatest” there’s a “world’s worst”. What if you woke up one morning and found out that your bank doesn’t exist anymore? Or if you woke up and your car was stolen overnight, and now you’re stuck making phone calls from a phone you can’t afford in a house that you won’t live in this Christmas? What if you’re too scared to find solice at the bottom of a bottle for the rest of your life, just to cope, but you’re just brave enough to take more than the “recommended dosage” written on your sleep aids?

What happens when you finally have enough? And if you’re one of those types that say “I would never kill myself”, then how are you so sure that you’ve never “had enough”, or even came close to it? Are you so great a person that you would look upon someone who did and laugh at their death as you laughed at their life?

Just some thoughts, I guess. A question maybe. Cry for help? Not so sure.

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46 Answers

PupnTaco's avatar

A forgery.

flameboi's avatar

Something like…
I still don’t know why fluther is no longer available, life is meaningless without it.
p.s. feed my lionfish

lapilofu's avatar

To begin with, I would never kill myself. It has always been my opinion that where there is life, there is hope. That’s enough for me.

But that’s not the question, of course. Assuming I were going to kill myself, I would spend a great deal of time crafting a suicide note. I’ve always been a minimalist, so it would be short an simple. It would be of utmost importance to me not to be a fool in death, and the easiest way to look like a fool is to be overly verbose. I’d write a page at most—but just a sentence or two, most likely. It would be a brief rationale—an explanation for what I did. And that would be all.

damien's avatar

So long, and thanks for all the fish

I don’t think i’d write a note if I were to commit suicide. Not that I ever would, mind you.

augustlan's avatar

I have been suicidal several times during my life. I had a horrendous childhood, and suffer from clinical depression and anxiety on top of it. The only time I actually almost did it, and found the will not to, it never even occurred to me to leave a note. I was completely wrapped up in my pain, and gave no thought whatsoever to the pain of those I’d leave behind. Suicide is a very selfish act…in the truest sense of being concerned only with yourself. I realized after that night that if I could survive that, I never would kill myself. It was a great relief to never have to think about it again.

PS to Lovelocke: Your dog understands, and would want you to live. Take good care of yourself.

whatthefluther's avatar

I completed my draft about a year ago. I review and revise it, if necessary, every several months. I suspect I will finalize the note within the next 12 months. It is under one page, typed, in length. In it, I explain why I chose to end my life rather than let my disease, ALS, run its full course, reminisce a bit about what I consider to be a very good life, express my love and gratitude to my SO, immediate family, best friends and my pets, give a general thank you to everyone who has made a positive impact on my life and give a reminder to follow the directions in my will on how to handle my assets and my remains.

fireside's avatar

Just underline eskimo in a copy of Moby Dick

klaas4's avatar

I hate this ‘society’, sorry!

Seriously, I wouldn’t kill myself, although I do hate this society.

augustlan's avatar

@WTF: I completely understand and support your decision. The community here will suffer a great loss when you leave us.

Lovelocke's avatar

Incidently, I always imagined I would make it to a few million bucks in the movie business, live to about 50 or 55 or so, then hire a hitman to take me out… or start making extreme political comments that were true. Either way, it’s like “doing it yourself”, but someone else is pulling the trigger. My thoughts are, it doesn’t count as suicide, and my money will be left with someone with enough time left on the Earth to enjoy it.

I would also spend a good chunk of my life (and cash) buying “collections” of stuff on eBay and either freely passing out pieces of the collection or destroying it. Just to prov that nothing that’s “here” is worth anything in the end.

wundayatta's avatar

Way back when I was a teen, and I first considered it, I don’t recall thinking about a note. I might have, I suppose, since I was really hoping that someone might show some support or love for me. But I knew I was the only one who cared, and that life could be interesting, so I kept on, and things definitely did get more interesting.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I think it serves a kind of “wake-up” function for me. It says my depression has gotten bad enough, and I better get more help. Mostly that means calling my depressed friend, who can always make me laugh when I feel that way.

It’s never occurred to me to write a note. I don’t want to say anything to anyone. I could apologize, but it would be a cruel joke. If I was really apologetic, I’d stay alive. I could blame people, but really, no one’s to blame, except possibly myself. Not clear on that, though.

I suppose it would be useful to think of writing a note when I felt that way, if it ever got that serious. In writing to my children, I would be unable to explain, and I wouldn’t do it.

Usually, it’s not like that. It’s the unbearable pain. It weighs you down. Your head pounds. You move from moment to moment thinking about how to do it, how it would be a relief, how impossible it is to imagine this ever being over. Everyone lies to you. They say it’ll be over. They say you’re a good person. They say they love you. But it can’t possibly be true because nothing is true. This nothing is heavier than anything, and it sucks the life out of you. Maybe a fall will set you free. Maybe a knife. Maybe pills (but that’s so feminine). But if I fall, I can’t pull back. And what about that last moment? The knife is much cleaner, and it adds a real pain that matches this psychic pain, and could I send it into my heart?

No. No. And No. I won’t do it. It gets me nowhere.


anonyjelly16's avatar

Mine would probably be pretty long and attempt to convince everyone I care about that it wasn’t their fault and they didn’t cause it. It would essentially say that I am just tired and can’t take it anymore.

Although, just in case this is more than a hypothetical and a cry for help, I would like you to know just two of the many things I learned in (sort of) a suicide hotline operator class:

1) Think of the people around you and the pain this would cause them.

2) Is the problem that you are going through right now, really permanent? Have you gone through anything like this before and has it been as permanent as you thought it would be?

If nothing above helps you gain perspective, then you are truly going through something traumatic and you might want to consider talking to a professional.

If you are contemplating this to avoid pain of dealing with something—or even wanting attention/affirmation—please turn to those who genuinely care about you. As much as the collective cares, it’s not a real person and cannot miss you as deeply as your actual friends and family would.

Of course continue to engage people (as you did with your question)—but please also look to people who can physically be in close proximity to you.

Celeste00's avatar

Take care of the cat.


chyna's avatar

Because I have had 2 people very close to me commit suicide I know for a fact what it does to the people that are left behind, so I can say without a doubt, I will never do that and leave my loved ones in the pain it causes for years after.

JackAdams's avatar

I doubt I would ever really write one, but if circumstances in my life became so unbearable (like the GOP being in power for another 8 years), I’d probably compose a note that would plagiarize upon the works of others, to wit:

“Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say good night, because for me, there shall be no morrow.

“My life was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of my discontent, I had everything before me, I had nothing bereft of me – in short, that period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

“I hope that my death shall diminish you, if you are involved with mankind… and so never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for me.

“And the first thing, every morning,
And the last thing, every night,
I’d think of you,
And all the things we’d say and do.
If only you were here,
To whisper sweet things to,
Oh yes, I’d tell you, how much I loved you,
And, how I wish I, could hold you tight,

“It was my first wish, every morning
And what I dreamed of, every night…

“Oh where oh where can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me,
She’s gone to Heaven so I got to be good,
So I can see my baby when I leave this world…

“Good night, and May Gawd Bless…”

Two of my sources for the above are here and here

(My public apologies to those from whom I “stole”...)

Tantigirl's avatar

I just went through this very thing with my teen daughter, and it wasn’t hypothetical. It was real. Luckily I caught it before she acted on it. She just came home from the adolescent unit on Friday. We also had a 30 year old friend hang himself in the basement earlier this year, without leaving a note. I will tell you that this question is inappropriate. It is not a subject that should be played with, regardless of being hypothetical, EVER.

scamp's avatar

@Tantigirl I agree completely!

marinelife's avatar

Suicide is a very serious topic. Most unsuccessful suicides see their attempts later as mistakes and are glad that they were not successful.

We don’t know how successful suicides feel, because they can’t tell us, and they don’t get a second chance.

My own experience is that suicide rolls through the generations. His uncle’s suicide as a young man has had profound impacts on my husband and his brother even though they never met the man.

The relatives, loved one and friends of suicides that I have known have never overcome the guilt and the “what if . . .” thoughts.

By this phrase in your details section, “Just some thoughts, I guess. A question maybe. Cry for help? Not so sure.” I take your question to be serious, but then you have attempted to set limits by saying you do not want discussion of whether the act is “right or wrong,” a construct that I personally do not believe even applies here.

Because, I have seen the agony that it inflicts on those left behind . . .

Because I don’t think it ever solves the problem . . .

Because I am deeply concerned that depressed or confused people, especially young people, could construe what is written here as approval or permission or glorification of suicide . . .

I think that this question, as stated, is problematical.

scamp's avatar

@Lovelocke seek counselling ASAP

tWrex's avatar

I actually wrote this a few months ago:

I’m sorry for everything,
I’m sorry I’ve been,
Less than a husband,
So full of sin.
I tried to appease you,
Demanding? Not really,
I attempted to give you,
Something less silly.
A child unborn to us,
A baby of hope,
I tried for a daughter,
I prayed to the Pope.
I gave you my everything,
My all of my being,
It wasn’t enough,
Now black I’ll be seeing.
I’ve cried for the last time,
I’m sorry my wife,
I’m sorry I’ve been less,
I’m taking my life.

It was right after I lost my job because I needed more surgery on my back (thanks Uncle Scam!). I lost my job, lost my home and lost my faith in everything else at the time. I still keep it on my phone as a reminder. I don’t feel that way anymore. At least those exact words wouldn’t be what I wrote.

deaddolly's avatar

This is just too depressing. I think everyone’s thought of it at some point. I would never do it now because of my family.

It’s not anything to be taken lightly.

tWrex's avatar

@deaddolly No doubt. I would check myself into a psych ward before I ever did it, but at the time I was not in the right frame of mind. I’m still not. Hell, if someone puts a bottle in front of me, I’ll drink it just to numb the pain. Those dicks on Wall Street think their livelihood is going. Welcome the club pricks! The problem with me drinking is that alcoholism runs in my family and my wife has pointed out that I exhibit some of those qualities so I’ve cut back on my drinking a lot. It helps that we’re broke because we need food over booze so it’s been kinda a helper, but when I go to my parents I’ll throw back a few jack and cokes. Being aware that I may have a problem has made me a better person for it, though. I definitely watch my consumption. Wow… This went waaaay off topic. My bad!

deaddolly's avatar

@tWrex Glad to hear you’re not looking for pointers. A good friend of mine found his father after he had shot himself in their basement. It messed up my friend for life.

Another friend of my sister’s shot herself because she couldn’t get over that her son was gay. That’s what her note said. Can you imagine being the young son and living with that?

JackAdams's avatar

We must keep in mind that various people deal with tragic thoughts and circumstances in very different ways. No one person has the answer, regarding how a person should deal with incredibly bad news.

A very dear male friend of mine went off to college, and while there, something triggered within him, a desire to take his own life.

What added to the tragedy (and the sorrow of his parents and siblings) was that he never exhibited any signs whatsoever, that he was thinking about doing something like that, and he left no note behind, to explain his actions.

Had he known how his family might have reacted to his passing, perhaps he would have not done what he did, in his college dorm room (where his roommates discovered his lifeless body).

An uncle of my ex-wife took his own life (as I have related in another thread), because a doctor gave him some bad news, and his intention was to spare his wife and daughter the agony of watching his death be spread out, over several months, and possibly, years. He just “sped up” the dying process, and his family grieved sooner, rather than later.

There have been two very real occasions when I have seriously considered ending my own life. One was when I lost a lover to asphixiation (1967, when I was 17), and the other was when I lost another, to the effects of Leukemia.

To this day, I can’t describe what I was feeling inside of me, because I had a feeling in my stomach that resembled what you might feel in karate class, when someone kicks you in the your stomach, knocking the wind out of you.

While in Honolulu, Hawaii in 1981, I witnessed a man take his own life, and that image will be forever etched in my mind.

I was staying on the 14th floor of a hotel in Waikiki Beach, and fortunately, my wife was out shopping. I just happened to be standing on the outdoor patio (“lanai”) of my hotel room, when a shadow passed between me and the sunshine.

I looked upward to see if it was an aircraft, but it was a falling body, heading for the street below. This despondent man had thrown himself off of his own hotel balcony, several floors directly above mine. He didn’t survive the fall, because he did not want to, obviously.

One of the reasons that I post so much in here (and make so many wise-ass comments), is because of two things. One, I really don’t have anyone else with whom I can chat, and two, I fight depression on a daily basis, and sometimes come here to cheer myself up, while attempting to make others laugh.

Once in a while, I succeed at making someone smile or laugh, and if that happens, I’m truly glad. But, most times, I’m not at all successful, because different folks perceive different things as being humorous.

What is funny to one person, may not be the least bit funny to another, and that’s the chance you take, when you try to make light of something that others take very seriously.

tWrex's avatar

@deaddolly Wow… If I was that kid, I probably would have offed myself the next day.

deaddolly's avatar

@Jack, you sell yourself way too short. Depression sucks. My mom suffered from it. You make me chuckle constantly and always brighten up even the most negative posts!

@tWrex…he’s doing it slowly by drinking himself to death. He now needs a liver transplant, but can’t get one because he has hepatitis.

JackAdams's avatar

Well, that’s ONE vote for my side.

See if you can apply to be a Moderator.

Schenectandy's avatar

I did it…

Comedian's avatar

This is NOT my note.

1. I’m a little freaked out by you all that you would think about that and actually make it up (also it is a very serious and sensitive subject for some).

2. I don’t know the second reason yet, but I’ll think of one. Actually I did have another reason, but I forgot it. It will come back…

stratman37's avatar

Wrex, I’m so glad you didn’t go through with it, even after getting so far as to write out the note. I know from experience that’s the last step before carrying it out. If you ever feel that down again, all of us at Fluther would love to talk you back from the brink.

gailcalled's avatar

I also find this question innappropriate. My father shot himself in 1980. and the act has and will leave ripple effects for years. His action was done out of rage, cowardice and overweening pride. He had other choices. If anyone wants to read a real suicide note, PM me and I will send you a copy.

And if anyone is serious about taking his own life, he doesn’t belong at a keyboard.

Lovelocke's avatar

Whee judgment calls! That’s typically what makes people want to kill themselves: The judgment that people pass over them.

marinelife's avatar

@Lovelocke Now that is some serious BS you are slinging even for you. What “typically” makes people want to commit suicide is being lost in the hell that is clinical depression and remaining untreated or unsuccessfully treated.

Lovelocke's avatar

…you mean like me? I fit exactly what you say is “typical”... as long as I’ve been alive in fact. This thread’s more in my realm of experience than you’d think. But, I’m sure you were already aware of that since you give off the impression that you know everything (except when to shutup).

tWrex's avatar

@stratman37 Thanks. I’m glad too. I just gotta still live on the edge a bit more than the norm, which is ok, ‘cause what’s life without adventure? I don’t mean by doing things to hurt myself, I mean by doing things that most others would frown upon. getting that adrenaline rush.

wildflower's avatar

Short and sweet: “Sorry, I just couldn’t handle it”

Tantigirl's avatar

Yeah, nice try Lovelocke, however, I for one am not biting. I said how I feel and why. You’ll get no more from me. Go and be an arsehole somewhere else.

kawaii_ninja's avatar

I don’t think killing yourself is a good idea. No-one does. But regardless of whether it is right or not, for I do not like arguments, i’ll write something:

Dear whomever finds this note,
It seems Grace has already been forcefully removed from the world. Perhaps, to you, it may have seemed sad, accidental, and a willing act performed by the young lady. I can assure you it is all but that.

It is the mere result of a twisted string of lies and deceit, and you hardly seem worthy of uncovering a single inch of this tale.

However, I wish you luck, you poor, stupid, unfortunate soul. It is pathetically unlikely that you will ever discover the truth to your friend’s death. I dare you to try, at least.


Then make it seem as though i’d been murdered. Mwahahaha. It would keep my decendants busy for a while at least! :P

gailcalled's avatar

There is also the really vital issue, not really addressed in the somewhat self-referencing question, about what happens before one takes that final, undoable step. I don’t need to list them here; transferred anger does not help the sufferer in any way, that much I know.

wundayatta's avatar

@gailcalled: transferred anger? Helping the sufferer? I’m really confused. Isn’t transferred anger part of the cause of suicide? Sorry for not being able to get this.

sccrowell's avatar

This thread is extremely depressing!!!! I have cried through most of it. But yes, I continue to read it! I guess because it’s hitting TOO close to home. I know when Whatthefluther chooses to leave me physically, it WILL be unbarable. I’m crying again, so I’ll stop here. Hope my spell check is working!

wundayatta's avatar

@SCROWELL: I may be crazy in that I find this thread rather healing. I feel bad for you, and the sadness you feel at not knowing how long wtf can go on. But often times, I think, in our culture, we don’t have the space to shed tears. We don’t have the space to feel sad. We don’t have the space to talk about the times when we are desperate and can’t see our way out of the pain.

Physical pains are better understood than mental ones, I believe. They are easier to plan for. Depression seems to strike when it wants to, sometimes in relation to an event, but just as often for no reason at all.

It may not be so crazy to see this as healing, but here’s where I think I get really far from normality, if not sanity. I find the process of sharing these stories so absurd that it’s funny. I guess laughter and tears are two sides of the same coin, and they do some the same things, physically, to our bodies.

When I’m really down, I have a friend I call, who is also too familiar with the thinking on this thread. We talk, in great detail, about how we are going to do it, and after a while, something happens, and it become totally ridiculous, and we start laughing, and then we can’t stop laughing. I swear it saved my life once. Even if I didn’t really mean it, it made me feel a lot better than I was feeling.

They say tears are healing. I often shed tears, though I almost never cry. Maybe I can’t. Maybe I’m ashamed to be seen to be emotional in inappropriate situations. (It’s life, damn it! There should be no inappropriate situations.) Maybe I feel like I’m being sorry for myself and that’s not allowed.

But when we’re all together like this; all the depressed people; we can find comfort, solace, healing, and maybe even tears simply because we know so many other people are experiencing something so close to what we experience.

Maybe we need to form a posse?

Lovelocke's avatar

Yeah. I’m good for these threads. Fluther needs more like it, that is, something that cranks your brain more than “I don’t want to go to a party because my ex will be there, zomg should I cancel teh trip?”.

sccrowell's avatar

@Dal, I just wanted to say thank you. I hurts to know there are so many people here within fluther that are in so much pain, so many that I call friend although we have never met. I know that talking helps. Perhaps I am overly sensitive. Thank you again for your kind words…

Fallenangel's avatar

Dear world;

Kiss my ass. None of you were man enough to take me down so i did you a favor.

p.s. blow me

evelyns_pet_zebra's avatar

I attempted suicide once, failed, never thought of a note. That was thirty years ago. It was a stupid idea at the time, and I never tried it again, even though life has thrown me some wicked curve balls over the years. I continue to say where there’s life, there’s hope.

As for this being inappropriate, I disagree. If we can’t discuss what is bothering us with others, then what’s the point? I’d rather someone tell me they are feeling suicidal so I might be able to help (or get them some help) than to find them hanging from a pipe in the basement or reading about it in the paper. My Dad killed himself while I was sleeping in the next room, my wife’s Dad killed himself with a gun while his family watched TV,(she found him) and I for one never again want to find anyone I love dead at their own hands. That’s my two cents.

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