General Question

KatawaGrey's avatar

How do I approach the subject of fathers?

Asked by KatawaGrey (21433points) October 1st, 2008

I am a child of artificial insemination and my mom is a single mother by choice so I’ve never had a father. As such, I’ve never really known how to ask about people’s families, if the situation is an odd one. Normally, this isn’t a problem, but I’ve recently started dating this guy and his father is no longer in the picture (they haven’t spoken in 7 years) but he does talk about his father sometimes (he’s mentioned vacations they’ve taken together). How do I ask him about his father without stirring up nasty feelings?

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8 Answers

TrenchantWit's avatar

I think you should first open yourself up to talk about how you feel, show vunerability first and it might make it easier for him to show his feelings up in a healthy manner

deaddolly's avatar

as a mom of an 18 year old daughter concieved the same way; it’s nice to meeet you! Welcome!
I would be open about your situation (I’m sure you have) and open the feeling flood gates. That should give him a hint it’s something you’re interested in. It’ll be hard to avoid bad feelings that he may harbor for his father; but the best thing for him to do would be to get those old feelings out. It’s often hard for guys to do that, but it’s the best thing.

Not knowing why they stopped talking makes it hard to tell if ties are severed permanently or not. As a parent, I can’t imagine my kid cutting me off and vise versa. It’s just something I can’t understand. Especially having lived thru it between my mother and my sister. It made things so horrible for me and others in my family.

Sloane2024's avatar

I think it’s great that you are so concerned about his feelings in this inevitably “touchy” situation. I’d ensure that he knew that he didn’t have to open up just yet and that you will be ready to listen when he is prepared to share. I’m in a similar situation with my father, for we haven’t spoken for an extensive period of time; however, my SO knows my story. If he didn’t, and our relationship was new, I’d want him to wait until I was ready. Feelings about fathers (especially absent, abusive, and/or negligent ones) are very hard to deal with, let alone express to others. Just give him some time. That’s the best advice I can offer. Good luck in your relationship and I hope everything turns out for the best. :)

Judi's avatar

I was just going to ask id you were dolly’s daughter!

KatawaGrey's avatar

Thanks everyone. This really does help. I’ll let you know how it goes. :)

KatawaGrey's avatar

To the flutherites who answered the question:

He and I had a good talk about his father and the reasons why they no longer speak. The talk went really really well and I just want to thank you all for contributing such good advice. I couldn’t have done it without you!

cordovanessa's avatar

I think that you should just open yourself up and let him know that this is something that is super important to you and they should understand. Just make it known that it is a topic that you really need for them to open up about and hopefully he will care about it enough to talk to you about this topic, because it is your right to know because you guys are dating, and hopefully he doesnt get all defensive about it. I hope that this helped… GOOD LUCK!

giltesque's avatar

I dated someone with a bad father relationship. Having lost my dad at 17 I ureged at least a meeting of the minds to see if reconcilication was possible. Once they’re dead it’s too late for second chances. They agreed to meet and had a cordial and productive talk together. They began anew and had several months of adult memories together before the father suddenly got cancer and died within months. I was so sad but glad they had a moment of time as father/son to cherish. I felt so used by God in the whole ordeal,it was special.

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