General Question

nikipedia's avatar

At what stage of dating do you engage in intercourse?

Asked by nikipedia (27526points) October 6th, 2008

Is it contingent on the length of the dating period, number of dates, quality of dates, some combination, or other? Why? How old are you, and has this changed over your lifespan? Gender would be helpful too.

A man I dated recently believed it was abnormal not to engage in intercourse after several weeks of dating. I disagreed. (We are no longer dating.)

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127 Answers

squirbel's avatar

Personally, once I have a ring and a promise. 27/f/No change over time.

Not before.

I’m a prude. I, however, currently have the ring, and a guy who is committed to my vow and dead-set on giving me the promise :)

squirbel's avatar


lawl @ archaic puritanical hangups.

looooooooooove it.

lbus1229's avatar

On your wedding night.

squirbel's avatar

Pretty sure jack is about to say something like “First night, yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

JackAdams's avatar

There’s no “set” time period, nor formula for contemplating that, and each relationship is different, just as each woman (in my case) is different.

I don’t push it, but I do insist that each of us presents the other person the results of a recent blood test, to prove that we are disease-free, and I take the same kind of blood & urine test that is mandatory of pornographic performers, because it is much more thorough than just a test for HIV, and costs $200.

I want the woman to know that the only thing she will ever “get” from me, is multiple orgasms.

squirbel's avatar

da dum dum tssssshh.

Comedian's avatar

After you are married

nikipedia's avatar

@the waiting for marriage crowd: Why?

JackAdams's avatar

I remember reading about one of the Miss America candidates, several years ago, creating somewhat of a “firestorm,” when she was asked if she would a marry a man with whom she had never had sex.

She implied that she would not, when she told the reporters, “I would want to know everything there was to know about my future husband, before I committed to him, for the rest of my life.”

To me, that sounds similar to, “Test-drive the car, before you buy it.”

emilyrose's avatar

Wow, I love the lengthy list of topics for this question! I think it depends on how you feel, it’s all up to you! It’s none of our business, but you did not share whether or not you have been sexually active in the past. If not, I especially encourage waiting until you have been in the relationship for a little while. And also agree with Jack on the STD conversation. It is not an easy conversation to have, but very important!

squirbel's avatar

I remember a Miss America [er, Teen USA, whatever] candidate who didn’t know her geography.

wundayatta's avatar

As I’m married now, my opinion is hypothetical.

Back in the 70s, I would have liked to do it on the third time or even sooner I went out with the person. We didn’t date in those days. It was mostly group things. But none of the women I liked was willing to do that, so generally it took much longer. Like months.

But I have a question for today. Suppose you met someone online, and had a long and deeply intimate correspondence. When you finally met them in person, would that be the first date? And if things were as hot when you met as they were online, would you sleep with them?

critter1982's avatar

@nikipedia: I would assume it is based on their beliefs. Several religions do not condone sex until marriage.

richardhenry's avatar

I’m eighteen; I’ve had sex on the first date, before the first date, and waited until we’ve been dating a month or more. It depends on if the time is right, whether or not she wants to, and whether or not it’s gonna’ to be amazing.

There’s nothing really special about sex. It’s just something that two people can enjoy if they like eachother. Don’t drive yourself crazy by holding back, but be safe and responsible at the same time.

Jack’s blood test thing is sort of creepy, but definitely use a condom. If you’re getting into a long-term thing (where using condoms is not going to be any fun), then go visit a clinic, get both of you tested across the spectrum and get your girlfriend on the pill.

squirbel's avatar

I disagree, richardhenry – there is something really special about sex when it is with someone you really care about and who you know cares about you.

Otherwise, yeah – it’s not special.

critter1982's avatar

@richard: Why would you wait until you are in a long term relationship to be checked? By that time you already likely have what the other person does, therfore you no longer need some doctor tell you what is crawling on your b@lls.

poofandmook's avatar

@daloon: My boyfriend had a situation like that. We met online, we’d had very deep, lengthy, and meaningful correspondence.. we already felt together but we still hadn’t met in person. Once we did, it was the second date/meeting/whatever.

richardhenry's avatar

@critter: I get checked every now and then anyway, I’ve been clean so far. But like I said, use a condom until things get long term and then think about less intrusive contraception.

richardhenry's avatar

@squirbel: There are much more special things to do with someone you love than sex.

squirbel's avatar

Those things aren’t the discussion though – sex is.

richardhenry's avatar

@squirbel: Yes, but I’m saying that sex isn’t all that special.

squirbel's avatar

@richardhenry: And I am saying I disagree with that. :)

La_chica_gomela's avatar

For me it doesn’t have anything to do with the length of the dating period, number of dates, quality of dates. It’s completely based on my feelings for the person, my comfort level with them, my estimation of them as a person, and their commitment to me, and a lot of other factors I can’t even think of right now.

I don’t find Jack’s blood test thing creepy at all. I demand testing no matter what kind of term thing it is. I feel like it would be worse to get something from someone you’ll never see again, richardhenry. because at least if you’re together for a long time you don’t have to worry about giving it to each other. I guess I’m specifically talking about Herpes, because condoms don’t always protect against that, but then again tests don’t always detect Herpes, so it’s a pretty gray area, but I don’t really get involved sexually on a short-term basis anyway. My point is, I don’t think there’s anything creepy about protecting yourself.

As far as answering Daloon’s question, just because I might have a long and personal correspondence with a person, and feel very close to them as a friend doesn’t mean I would necesarily ever meet them, date them, or sleep with them. I’ve never done anything like that in the past, and I cannot see myself doing it in the future.

Great questions, all!

richardhenry's avatar

@La_chica_gomela: Yeah, I guess creepy was the wrong term. But I’m saying that:

1) Ask a girl you like on a first date
2) Ask that girl if she would be so kind as to get a full spectrum STD test before date
3) Still expect to go on date

Isn’t practical.

JackAdams's avatar

richardhenry, The blood & urine tests I take are not “creepy” at all. There are a myriad of diseases that can be caught and passed onto your partner, and HIV is only one of them.

The tests I have done, check for genital herpes, genital warts, and many other diseases, some of which are asymptomatic.

I want the woman to have no doubts at all that I am “safe” to be with, and I also show her documentation that I was sterilized (bilateral vasectomy) when I was in my 20s, so there is no danger of pregnancy for her.

The woman should be able to relax and enjoy worry-free sex (if that is what she desires), and I feel it is the man’s responsibility to prove to her that she can have that.

nikipedia's avatar

@squirbel: I really don’t mean this in a nasty way, but I’m not sure how you can really judge the specialness of sex without having had it. Don’t you think your opinion carries less weight than someone who has had that experience?

@STDs: I think we are all on the same page that reasonable precautions should be taken…different people have different comfort levels, so “reasonable” varies from person to person.

shilolo's avatar

I’m a fan of the George Michael school of thought:
“Sex is natural – sex is good
Not everybody does it
But everybody should
Sex is natural – sex is fun
Sex is best when it’s….one on one” (from, “I want your sex” by George Michael)

I tend to agree with Richard though. Getting a full screening (and proof) doesn’t mean much to me (things can change in between screenings, for example). A condom, on the other hand, provides immediate protection.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

LOL, richardhenry, you’re right, that’s not practical.

I guess I’m in a lot better position to demand testing as a woman, because pretty much the guy is always ready to before I am, so I can demand a lot. Part of the “Do I want to have sex with this person?” thing for me is, if he’s not willing to get tested for me, then I don’t want to have sex with him.

JackAdams's avatar

Condoms do not provide 100% protection. They can and do fail, on occasion.

critter1982's avatar

@nikipedia: I agree with squirbel and I have had sex. I feel it is something special to be shared between 2 people who love each other. If it is not shared between 2 people who love each other, on a first date it is likely not going to be special and can only be categorized by enjoyable.

kevbo's avatar

I’ve done first date, second or third date (don’t remember), and after several dates, and not at all. I think it just depends. In my case, it invariably sends me into an LTR.

shilolo's avatar

All tests have false negative and false positive rates. There are window periods where tests can be negative, but the person is truly infected. So, a “clean slate” is only as meaningful as your trust level.

flameboi's avatar

I let it happen, I don’t really have a hurry to reach that stage in a relationship, I mean, if I’m dating someone, is because I enjoy being with that person, I don’t need to go to bed with that person to probe anything…

squirbel's avatar

@nikipedia: I recognize that you didn’t intend the comment as an affront. I, however, believe that sex is most enjoyed between two life-companions moreso than fly-by-night companions – simply because that is the age-old wisdom.

Just like there are the simple wisdoms that say “You reap what you sow”, or “You get what you give”... the old people have always said “Sex is always better when it is saved for that one person.” I trust them.

Call me simple if you please, but that’s why I do what I do.

richardhenry's avatar

@JackAdams: I like spontaneous sex. I’m not going to ask the girl I’ve been friends with from college and we suddenly decide to get together and have sex to go get an STD test first. Or on the rare occasion I end up having sex on a first date. Get tested every now and then, as the majority of STDs are treatable if caught early, but other than that use a condom.

Condoms are pretty damned reliable, especially brands like Durex Extra Safe which are within a hairline of 100%. They are certainly more reliable than potentially out of date or false-negative STD tests.

richardhenry's avatar

They also don’t put people off from going out to dinner with you. Girls believe guys are “one-track minded” enough, never mind asking them to take sex-related tests before meeting up with you.

flameboi's avatar

@Richard Henry
The one-track minded theory is not accurate :s

richardhenry's avatar

@flameboi: Elaborate?

La_chica_gomela's avatar

Maybe saying “one-track mind” was an exaggeration, but I understand where you were coming from, RH, in that as a woman, I am not surprised if you have some condoms in your glove box, or whatever. that doesn’t bother me. i am surprised, however, if i say, “wanna grab lunch?” and you say, “only if you get a 200 dollar std test first!”

JackAdams's avatar

If anyone has ever visited Germany, they have a most interesting way that the women respond to a man, when he asks a fraulein for a date.

She can either answer with “No”, or “Yes,” or “Yes, but no sex.”

The way it was explained to me (by a cousin in the US Army who was stationed over there, and whom I visited), is that the women prefer to let a man know, right from the beginning, if sex is any sort of possibility.

Just saying “Yes” is not to be interpreted as a commitment to sex, but rather a statement of, “We’ll see how the evening progresses.”

I guess German men like to know if they have any chance at all for sex, prior to going out and spending a lot of money on the woman.

richardhenry's avatar

@La_chica_gomela: Yeah, I’m exaggerating again. :p But I never know where a date can lead, and I like the surprise and the romance, I don’t want to be checking your STD results or whatever.

flameboi's avatar

More like, correct… I mean, we (guys) are not that dumb anymore!!

jasonjackson's avatar

In answer to the original question: as soon as possible. :)

Each person should make their own choice, of course – and I don’t think there’s anything “abnormal” about wanting to wait weeks or even until marriage.

But I’ve never waited several weeks to have sex with someone I’m dating.. and I honestly have a hard time imagining under what circumstances I might be convinced to do so. So I don’t think it was abnormal for your ex-dating-partner to want sex within that time frame, either.

jasonjackson's avatar

@JackAdams: how nice for the Germans. I wonder how we could persuade more American women to take that approach?

JackAdams's avatar

@jasonjackson: We can only dream…

girlofscience's avatar

Before official “dating.” I wouldn’t call someone my “boyfriend” or agree to be in an official relationship until I had had sex with the person.

In the period of time before official dating, it is extremely variable. It could range from the first date to about six dates. I think it just depends on when the moment feels right.

kevbo's avatar

… to answer the rest of your questions, my trajectory has been “not at all” to “as soon as possible” (generally) owing to my compliance and eventual non-compliance with my Catholic upbringing. It’s also contingent on chemistry. Either it’s there or it isn’t, and if it isn’t or if the girl is kind of a bitch, then it’s generally enough to provoke my disinterest.

In your case, I would guess that he wanted to force the issue to either get some or move on. For guys, dating can sometimes be viewed as a numbers game where 100 cold calls produce 10 leads which produce 3 potential customers which produce 1 sale. The more “no’s” you get the faster you get to your sale.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

JackAdams, why in the heck do you do that?
do you think when you say, “jasonjackson” that i don’t know you’re talking about the fluther “jasonjackson”?? that i need to see their profile to know that you’re talking to the person that responded to the question right before you?

i’m sorry this is completely off the topic but it’s been driving me crazy for weeks!!! why do you do that??

La_chica_gomela's avatar

kevbo, you said, “In your case..”
I’m confused as to whose case you are referring.

shilolo's avatar

@La chica. I think he is referring to Nikipedia’s original question.

nikipedia's avatar

@kev: In my case, it turned out he was a self-centered douchebag.

@all: Thanks for making my 100th question an interesting one!

Response moderated
arnbev959's avatar

The more I like a girl the longer it’ll generally be.

tinyfaery's avatar

For me, when I meet someone, I know whether or not I want to have sex with that person pretty much instantly. If over a day/week/month (but no more than that) I discover that I also like the person, and could potentially develop feelings, then I say the sooner the better. I like sex. It doesn’t have to be all lovey-dovey and intimate to be fun/exciting/pleasurable/relaxing/comforting, etc. I do admit that I’m more like a guy when it comes to dating and sex.

But, now I’m married, and none of what I wrote up there really applies. I don’t plan on having sex with anyone else, ever.

JackAdams's avatar

To “correct” my deleted post:

@La_chica_gomela: it makes it easier for a person to spot their own name (when skimming over answers) if it is highlighted, and I checked the Guidelines before doing so, and discovered that such is not a prohibited activity.

jasonjackson's avatar

@JackAdams: I like that you do that, actually.. I’m too lazy to do it myself, but it does make scanning for replies a little easier and nicer. Ideally, Fluther would itself highlight any string of the pattern @xxx:, but without that feature, your habit is a nice substitute.

JackAdams's avatar

Thank you Sir. I’m honored by your comments.

You have been added to my will.

(You will get the Scottish castle.)

squirbel's avatar

@jackadams: Zomg, can I get a Fluther t-shirt? I said “I heart you”, in another post, and I meant it!


JackAdams's avatar

I will arrange (via my probabte attorneys) for you to get a CASE of Fluther Tees, subject to approval of the owners.

You are already listed in my will, BTW.

I never forget a kindness, nor an insult.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

Well I never forget being grossed out.

squirbel's avatar


”...subject to approval of the owners”

Takes the phrase “shirt off my back” to a new level. :P

JackAdams's avatar

We must take into account that the owners may not wish to sell an entire case to my estate.

Emilyy's avatar

Ahhh! I keep coming into these conversations too late and wanting to respond to too many things up above! Damn me and my quasi-present work ethic!

@JackAdams: I like the Germany thing (I think it would clear up a lot of haziness around dating and sex), but I don’t think it would fly in the US. Something tells me that American women would be offended if they thought that a man were making a decision about whether or not to go out with them based on whether or not sex were a possibility. Maybe we just like to be coy and annoying, but I think US ladies would prefer to believe that a man wanted to date them regardless of the possibility for sex. Maybe we’re just not as straightforward, which I realize is a problem. Seems like you prefer the “up front and straightforward” approach to dating and sex, given your blood tests. Do you think the German approach would function here?

In response to the original question, it’s all about chemistry for me. About a year ago, I promised myself that I was going to wait, wait, wait until I found the right person and then wait, wait, wait to do anything sexy with them (mostly as a result of a couple of…let’s call them “mistakes”). Then I met someone who knocked my socks off and all that went straight out the window on the second date. Despite our prior agreement to each other to “take it slow,” we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We dated for nearly 8 months and I never regretted that for a minute.

JackAdams's avatar

Your post reminded me of this true incident in my youth, when I was dating this really “hot babe” who had told me very directly that she never had sex with a man, on the first date, and I told her that I respected that, and her.

But, as the evening wore on and we both discovered that we were very much sexually attracted to each other, she finally started to cry in my arms (we were seated on her couch, fully clothed), and when I asked her what was the problem, she told me that she really wanted to be intimate with me, but she couldn’t violate her rule about no sex on the first date.

I said, “Listen, would you please excuse me for about half an hour? There is something super-important I need to do, and I’ll be back in about 30 minutes, OK?” She got a puzzled look on her face, and cried a little more, thinking that she was never going to see me again, but I gave her my word-of-honor (which I have never broken to anyone), that I would return in around 30 minutes.

I went to a bar to have a soft drink and a sandwich, and after I had been there for 15 minutes or so, I telephoned her and said, “When I left your house, our first date ended, so when I come over there, our second date will begin, right?”

She laughed and said, “You’re right! I’ll be naked when you get here!”

We spent our entire “second date” over the course of a weekend.

squirbel's avatar

Ha! That’s epic.

AstroChuck's avatar

As soon as the money is exchanged.

JackAdams's avatar

LOL! Wish I had said that!

I wonder why no one has said, “I don’t have sex on stage, because I don’t want the other passengers to see me and my woman doing that.”


“I don’t have sex on stage, because I don’t like being interrupted by applause from the audience.”

poofandmook's avatar

I often find myself wishing I’d thought of many of Chuck’s responses.

JackAdams's avatar

The kid’s a genius.

I wonder if he’s over 18?

Probably not, judging from his photo/avatar.

deaddolly's avatar

depends on the person…could be 2nd date or 23rd date. Definately before marriage or even a monogamous relationship. age:over 40;f;nope

i don’t believe in saving yourself for marriage…even if you’re Amish.

nothing wrong with liking sex, as long as your careful.

critter1982's avatar

I believe sex was designed to only be shared in marriage. Although I didn’t feel that way in high school. :) age:26,m,married.

JackAdams's avatar

Sex is really a very private and personal thing, that should only concern the three people who are actually doing it.

deaddolly's avatar

what if you never marry??? do you die a dried up virgin??? lol

critter1982's avatar

Guess so, but that’s why I’m married :)

JackAdams's avatar

You know, the late Ann Landers, when she was on a TV talk show, several years ago, commented that she used to be of the belief that a woman should remain a virgin only until she got married.

But, on this particular talk show, she told everyone that nowadays, with birth control and women being more “sophisticated,” that she believed that a “college-aged woman” could have a sexual relationship with a man.

That surprised me, considering how old-fashioned she was, on so many other issues.

arnbev959's avatar

Astro is older than 18.

deaddolly's avatar

i can’t understand why you would wait till marriage. what if your s/o sucks in bed? lol or likes the opposite of what u like? or is b o r i n g???????

critter1982's avatar

I think that is something you can typically guage from other encounters.

Bri_L's avatar

wow. I am quite the male prude. I never had sex until I was with someone I wanted to marry. That includes the 5 longer than 6 month relationships I had. I am a guy by the way and the women did know we were dateing.

JackAdams's avatar

I’m glad they knew.

krose1223's avatar

I couldn’t put a limit on it. I like sex. Sex is good. :) I definitely agree with STD testing!! I think sex is a very important part of a relationship, and I would want to know what it was like before I got married. In my experience the better the sex the longer my relationship seemed to last. Not like I was basing it upon that, it just happened that way. I think the sex showed just how much chemistry there was between us. Chemistry is a make or break deal with me, I can’t stay with a person if there is none.

AstroChuck's avatar

Pete: shhhhh!

poofandmook's avatar

@deaddolly: Well, you know, if you were saving yourself for who you were going to marry, and you didn’t marry, you could make a movie out of it and make gazillions of dollars like this guy.

nikipedia's avatar

@the as soon as possible crowd: If a girl DOES give it up as soon as possible, do you respect her less? Also, if she has the same attitude toward sex as you do, her “number” is probably pretty high—would that bother you?

@the not until marriage crowd: Can any of you make a reasonable attempt to explain why you would want to wait until marriage? Calling it “special” is not a really convincing argument to me. I have had lots of special sex with lots of special people. If it’s so special, shouldn’t we have a lot of it?

kevbo's avatar

I don’t respect a girl less. If it comes early, then it’s a moment to be enjoyed and it may or may not be something more significant down the road.

One of my earlier significant relationships had a much higher number than me. (She was also older, but no less qualified for slut-dom.) The disparity bothered me back then when the subject came up. It doesn’t matter so much as I get older. Now, I’m mainly concerned about maintaining above the table, semi-permeable boundaries in my primary relationship, whether or not I actually exercise the option. I have some theoretical catching up to do.

squirbel's avatar

I personally don’t want the experience before-hand. I don’t want it. I just don’t.

My will is my command, and it is as simple as that.

I can’t give any other reason other than I consider it a gift to my husband – the best and only gift that only he can get. I’ve had this talk with my boyfriend, who is very certain he wants to marry me. He is very experienced. He has described his past relationships [which lasted 3+ years each] as being about “who could make who scream the loudest”. In the end – he told me that it wasn’t really fulfilling – and he looks forward to our wedding night.

Because he and I are still young, and extremely attracted to each other physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually – we can’t keep our hands off of each other. To be honest, there have been many times I wanted to just scrap the whole vow and just go at it – but he has become as committed to my vow as I have – and he goes for walks by himself or takes cold showers anytime things get too heated.

Believe me – you can’t understand the female frustration at being turned down – it’s unheard of. It’s worse than these so-called blue balls, in my humble opinion.

I asked him “Is it special to you, that I am saving myself for my husband? Is it respectable, or prudish?” His answer was this – “First, don’t say ‘my husband’ when you are talking about me. Third person is weird. And yes, I think it is the best gift you can give me because it is a gift only you can give me.”

Sure, I may be a sap, and sure, you can say he is good at delivering a good line – but in the end – I think he really treasures me.

That’s why.

kevbo's avatar

P.S. GQ for the tags to this question.

jasonjackson's avatar

@nikipedia: nope, I don’t respect a girl less for giving it up sooner. I respect her less if she’s not very good at sex, though. ;-P So I guess in that sense, I’m happier with an experienced partner.

I’m also not bothered by a girl’s “number” being too high. I suppose I could be, if it was into the high three digits or something..

Bri_L's avatar

@jasonjackson – how do you, for your self in terms of you and the girl, define “good at sex”?

squirbel's avatar

@jasonjackson – sigh…. “good at sex”. I’m pretty sure personally that I probably am not any good, but my boyfriend is willing to be patient with me and I’m very open to him.

I hope that’s going to make me “good at sex”, eventually.

jasonjackson's avatar

@squirbel: yeah, that’s one of the downsides of waiting – you don’t have the benefit of “practicing” on a few people before you start having sex with your lifetime partner. :)

I didn’t wait myself, so I will never know what joys can come of that, so maybe it’s totally worth it. But honestly, whenever I hear someone mention that they’re waiting until marriage, I worry that they’ll someday be bitterly disappointed. May that not turn out to be the case for you. :)

At least you don’t seem to think, like some “waiters” I’ve known, that sex with your husband will automatically be good.. that bodes well for the two of you.

Personally, before I feel like I could really spend the rest of my life with someone – and that’s what I fully intend to do, if/when I marry – I’d want to know in advance that we’re sexually right for each other. That’s a pretty important part of marriage, not to mention that marriage entails forgoing sex with anyone else.

I’m not criticizing your choice, of course. I do hope it makes you happy. I’m just saying that to me, from my own perspective, it seems risky.

poofandmook's avatar

I sort of get jasonjackson. Let’s face it… if you’re going to have casual sex, it had better be good. And, if you’re just starting in a relationship and you engage in sex and it’s not good, more than once… it may be a big turnoff.

Bri_L's avatar

I get being turned off. But not respecting someone is kind of harsh.

jasonjackson's avatar

@Bri_L: um, actually that’s kind of a hard question to answer. :)

Probably the most important thing is being comfortable enough with sex to express openly what she likes and wants. (And to have tried a few things, so that she has at least some idea what those things might be.) Often inexperienced partners are a bit too .. shy, I guess. I’ll try to make my partner happy, both physically and mentally/socially, but I’m not a mind reader – so let me know what’s working and what’s not.

Another very important thing is knowing what’s likely to turn me on – i.e. having some background to go on with educated guesses, and being in-tune enough to see the nuances of my responses. And being willing to listen to me and act on the information I’m giving out, as to what will make me happy (so I guess there’s a willingness or “wants to please” component there too).

Those are both things that I only think come with (at least some) experience. Other things I like, but which are probably more driven by personality than experience level, include: creativity, a sense of fun, few to no hang ups, willingness to experiment, willingness to dress up (e.g. f***-me heels & something from Victoria’s Secret), etc.

jasonjackson's avatar

@Bri_L: well, we may have a difference in understanding of the word “respect”. For me, respect is like “props” – it isn’t automatically awarded to just everyone, whether we’re talking about politicians, novelists, programmers, sex partners, or whatever. It’s awarded for being above the average – smarter than most, more ethically committed than most, sexier than most, etc.

So when I say I respect someone less (which isn’t the same as “not respecting”, either, BTW), it means I’m giving them less props, thinking less highly of them. Not that I’m “disrespecting” them.

@squirbel: For the record, I do actually respect your decision to wait. That takes real commitment and willpower, plus good communication to make it work. Props for all of those. My differing perspective on the issue isn’t driven by respect or lack of it.

Bri_L's avatar

It sounds like you are astute as to how best to learn from your partner. That is the best way to provide an arena for them to work with you to.

OH, I see.

I am soooo out of the loop on that one.

Sorry bud. My apologies. I should have known anyway. It wasn’t your style which was why I ask. I found it confusing.

jasonjackson's avatar

@Bri_L: thanks, no worries. :) Hopefully I’m as good in real life at listening to my partner as I want to be (and portrayed myself as here). ;-)

tinyfaery's avatar

I don’t care about number, for males or females. How many partners a person has had does not add or subtract much from my general feelings about a person.

deaddolly's avatar

@tinyfaery My sentiments exactly. I would rather have an experienced partner.

I would never consider marrying someone w/o having sex first.

TheNakedHippie's avatar

I agree with and actually love JackAdams responses. It’s absolutely very personal and should be fully enjoyed. Personally, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself if I wasn’t with someone I loved… I don’t see it as just a purely physical interaction.

“I want the woman to know that the only thing she will ever ‘get’ from me, is multiple orgasms.”


Jack79's avatar

1. It differs and yes, it is a combination of quality/quantity of dates
2. The “3rd date” rule of thumb seems to me to be the average
3. Yes, it has changed over the years, but only because my first few girlfriends (20 years ago) were virgins and now I’m dating women who are obviously much older and it’s no longer the 80s. So it is not so much about me as it is about them.

And I’ve had all sorts of relationships (as I am sure most people here), from 1-night-stands to a 1-night-stand that lasted 3 years, to 5-year-friendships that turned into love affairs, to a highschool romance that became a week of wild sex 14 years later.

Jack, male, 36 (nothing to do with that other Jack)

tb1570's avatar

I think the simple answer is: when you both want to and feel comfortable doing so.

wundayatta's avatar

Now that is much too sensible. Can’t you spice it up a bit, tb1570?

adreamofautumn's avatar

It’s usually contingent on how much I drank that night. I mean i’m in college, what ISN’T contingent on how much I drank that night?

Facade's avatar

after marriage

Response moderated
angelic_fire_hazzard55555's avatar

you should definately with out a doubt wait until marriage to have intercourse it is better for you your significant other and your future spouse i mean think about it you wont have to tell them on you wedding night all the people that you had intercourse with when it should only be him after you are married

girlofscience's avatar

@angelic_fire_hazzard55555: Oh dear.

I could not disagree more.

Why would you be having the discussion of “all the people that you had intercourse with” on a wedding night anyway? If that discussion were to take place, why not before the wedding, or even after? The wedding night does not seem to be the proper time in which to have such a conversation. A wedding is a celebration of the couple’s love, so why would they discuss their past experience with others on that night?

In any event, waiting until marriage to have sex is an extremely poor idea. Here are some of many reasons why:
1) This may push people to get married sooner than they would otherwise, thus, putting them into a marriage with a less-than-ideal partner, which would either end in divorce or unhappiness.
2) Many people may never marry; they should not be denied physical pleasure for the duration of their lives, simply because they are not interested in marriage.
3) Sexual compatibility is an important part of a successful relationship. Just as all other forms of compatibility are explored before tying the knot, so should sexual compatibility be explored.
4) Sexual experience is a wonderful life experience that contributes to an individual’s knowledge and personality. A person should love another person because of all of the experiences that made him/her who they are, including sexual experience.
5) The awkwardness of first-time sex should be out of the way well before the wedding night. Talk about killing the mood.
6) Perhaps most importantly, allowing some religious or governmental institution to dictate when and what you do with your body is an extreme form of self disrespect. Do you disrespect yourself so much that you would allow some arbitrary, external force to inform you of when you should engage in a pleasurable activity with your body? That’s nonsense.

I do not advise waiting for marriage to have sex for anyone. It is a very poor decision.

Sillyish's avatar

Totally depends on the person, the situation, and the other person, too! There’s no right or wrong answer.

Noel_S_Leitmotiv's avatar

Dating? That’s for the lame and ugly.

icyflame's avatar

Sex is to be saved for marriage.

cornbird's avatar

Usually after the second date for me. I personally think that an active sexual relationship even before marrage is essential, because why wait till you get married and then realize something like you are not sexually fit or other problems. So I think it is best to do it… and enjoy it as soon as possible.

Response moderated
DrMC's avatar

Dont be in a hurry guys, you have your whole life to screw up your whole life. ; )

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I’ve only been in one dating relationship in my life. Our first physical relations were after 4½ years. She got the ring the next morning and we were married six months later. We were married ten years until her death 6NOV09, I’ll never have another relationship, so no trend can be plotted. There’s a flyer on your data curve…53/m

DrMC's avatar

GA stranger.

My wife says after me she’ll never remarry. She’s had enough of men. (were still married)

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@DrMC I would still consider any relationship as cheating on her, which I never did. Celibacy is my status now.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@nikipedia I don’t consider being respectful of a ladys body or wishes to be archaic or puritanical. It’s only right when you both think it’s right.BTW my opinions are not based on religion but ethics. I’m agnostic.

DavidKRock's avatar

DO WHAT YOU WANT! That is something where you have to be comfortable. Some say marriage others say the first date. Sex would suck if you were uncomfortable. For everyone it’s different. Some are comfortable in a week some a year, it all depends. Just make sure your happy. But know that if the man really wants to.. Sad to say if he waits to long he may leave.. That’s most guys for ya.

candide's avatar

after foreplay

Just_Justine's avatar

@squirbel some people get their virginity taken away at six years old. Cant relate sorry.

Nullo's avatar

Once married, not before.

HungryGuy's avatar

It depends on circumstances. Typically, it’s after about a dozen dates or so, but don’t use that as a hard-and-fast rule if you need more time to get to trust someone first. And if he’s pressuring you into it before you’re ready with him, that’s a red flag—that means he’s probably only interested in sex.

The smartest guys wait and let the girl initiate sex the first time—and, yes, that requires much patience on the part of the guy. Now, that said, if I dated a girl for, say, 6 months and no sex, that’s also a red flag that she’s a prude or has sexual hangups. As with @DavidKRock, I’d more than likely leave than pressure her into sex.

I once made the mistake of waiting to marry someone before having sex—though our engagement was rather rushed—and we were sexually incompatible and the marriage didn’t last.

Some people want to be virgins when they marry and want to marry virgins—whether for religious reasons, paranoia about disease, or whatnot. Nothing wrong with that if that’s your choice, but that’s a risk too.

To use a vulgar cliche, I want to taste the milk before I buy the cow.

XxSHYxxGUYxX's avatar

One of the better/controversial threads on Fluther… As for my answer, I think its best when both of you are coomfortable and love each other.

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