General Question

La_chica_gomela's avatar

How come everybody seems to want to talk about how they were cheated on, but nobody ever talks about being a cheater?

Asked by La_chica_gomela (12532points) October 6th, 2008

Have you ever noticed that from hearing people talk, you would think that cheaters just vanished or died? So many people talk about being cheated on, and nobody ever seems to want to talk about the fact that they cheated?

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45 Answers

tinyfaery's avatar

What do you want to know?

El_Cadejo's avatar

HI my name is Uberbatman and i cheated on an exgirlfriend. I cheated on her and got with my lovely girlfriend Trance24 that i lurves. It was wrong what i did i admit that, but in a way it was one of the best decisions ive made. ^_^ I did not lie to my exgirlfriend about it either or try and hide it. I told her the truth, people deserve that much. Surprisingly we are still friends to this day.^ _^

JackAdams's avatar

Because folks don’t like to admit that they have cheated.

wildflower's avatar

I’d imagine it’s because they don’t want to highlight the fact that they’ve cheated – I know I wouldn’t if it was me.

Mtl_zack's avatar

monogamy in north america is rapidly being replaced by serial monogamy, which is pretty much the same thing as cheating on your original partner. when you get a divorce, you broke the bond of marriage, but you are no longer monogamous, therefore, you are not cheating. you are just having realtions with many people. —FROM AN ANTHROPOLOGICAL POINT OF VIEW

krose1223's avatar

Because you can’t feel sorry for yourself when you’re the cheater. Ha. I think being cheated on can be a very painful thing, rather I know. But I don’t think it is healthy to dwell on that pain. I’ve been on both sides and I’ll mention both if either comes up. I learned from my mistake.

wundayatta's avatar

Oh come on, LCG. People don’t like to feel shame, and that’s why they don’t talk about being a cheater. I hope you never have to feel the scorn heaped upon a cheater.

And then there’s the little, tiny matter of the moniker— it’s a CHEATER. It’s cheating! It’s not a socially accepted thing. Here. All you who want to blab about your transgressions to all the world line up behind this line. The rest of you over there. Jeez. You’d think someone had made a very bad smell behind this line!

If we want people to talk about it, we have to find ways to reduce the shame. Not gonna happen! Not in this ultra-Christian culture.

No, the philanderer’s side of story is never going to be listened to sympathetically, except possibly by their therapists. So no one will know what drove them to do it, and no one will learn, and there will be no change in our culture.

Perhaps some people who have slept with people other than their spouses might talk about it under the cloak of anonymity, but it’s still difficult. You should go over to Askville and check out the way they handle cheaters. Oh so tenderly. NOT. If they double-anonymize themselves, it’s even worse. That’s permission to tee off without mercy.

So, you wonder why people don’t talk about it? Look at the sympathetic response everyone has to cheaters.

Perhaps someday you might want to ask about the evolutionary biologist’s explanation of cheating, and why animals (including humans) attempt to keep it a secret.

Les's avatar

Good points, daloon.
What about being the “other woman” or “other guy”. You never hear about them, either. I have been there, it is the most miserable existence any person can endure.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

I’m sorry, I can’t lie to you, daloon, I’ve cheated too. I was…..ohhhhh, fifteen maybe? “cheating” consisted of kissing i believe. i regret it horribly, still. i didn’t regret it until i blabbed it to a friend who couldn’t keep his HUGE mouth shut, and the boy found out, months and months after i had ended it with him.

i still think about him, and how much i must have hurt him. he never really told me about it, but he did forgive me. we hugged. but it wasn’t enough for me. i still crave his forgiveness, even though he already gave it to me. i think it’s even more painful to apologize repeatedly, so i just try to stay out of his life.

krose1223's avatar

@chica yeah same here. (age wise and whatnot) I wasn’t even very serious with they guy I cheated on but I feel horrible and it was a lesson learned I will never forget. Especially now that I have been on the other end.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

same, krose! i should have never agreed to date him! i didn’t even like him that much before…now i see all his brilliant qualities…of course…not that i want to date him now, just that i see so clearly why he didn’t deserve that…especially hearing about it after the thing has ended. that’s how it was when i found out too. i think it’s worse. i really do. you have to get over the SOB twice!

krose1223's avatar

Oh chica, I feel ya! I cheated on him w/ my previous boyfriend before him because I wasn’t over the guy yet! I was too young to be dealing with those nasty love feelings. I’m actually still friends with the guy I cheated on, we’ve talked about it. He was such a great guy and didn’t deserve it. He understood though, he was a senior and I was a freshman, so he knew from the start I may have been a little too young.

Mtl_zack's avatar

my input: my friend (at the time)‘s gf wanted me to cheat on him, but I denied her. I wish I had because that “friend” is an asshole and the reason why they’re (still) going out is because he manipulated me and my emotions and other details that I’ll talk about sometime else.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

at least you have the satisfaction of knowing you could have?

Mtl_zack's avatar

true, but he cheated on our friendship many times and I wish I can get back at him at least once. I’ve always been passive towards him and he was always aggressive towards me, so I hope you see where I’m coming from.

oopslc89's avatar

no one likes to speak about there own error or mistakes. People would rather view themselves as a victim.

augustlan's avatar

I have never cheated on my SOs, but I have been the other woman (more accurately, the other girl). I felt so freaking horrible about what we were doing to his SO that I called it off. I have never forgotten that. It’s probably a big part of why I never cheated on my SOs.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

I do understand, zack. maybe better than you realize.

SuperMouse's avatar

The cheater is a pariah. It is just that simple. No one wants to be treated as a pariah.

Look at LCG’‘s and KRose’s back and forth on their experiences. They were 15 years old for crying out loud and they still both feel guilty! Is it really right to think of a 15 year-old who kisses a boy she is not “going with” as a cheater? Personally I don’t think so. Having them feel like that so many years later is beyond the beyonds.

Daloon’s points are all excellent and right on.

EmpressPixie's avatar

When you get cheated on, people are generally sympathetic.
When you cheat on someone, people generally treat you like scum.

Sympathy or the scumbag treatment? I’ll take sympathy, thanks.

wundayatta's avatar

What, EP—are you saying you want to get cheated on????

EmpressPixie's avatar

@Daloon: Haha, no. More showing that of the two experiences one is more open to being shared than the other.

I prefer option C which was unlisted: neither.

wundayatta's avatar

Ah, the hidden door number 3. When will Monty Hall stop playing his dastardly tricks?

aneedleinthehayy's avatar

Confront me about it and I’ll talk but I’m not gonna blurt out my immorality and promiscuity to you right off the bat.

Celeste00's avatar

A tip: when people tell you they “technically” didn’t cheat, they cheated.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I have been cheated on and, after the fact… I cheated. I will never, ever live it down. I regret it to this day and I… Yeah. I can’t even explain how I feel. Why did I do it? Good question. I still try to figure it out. I have ideas, but they’re not good enough for me. They aren’t good enough for me because, even though I can (somewhat) see the logic behind the “reasons”, the fact remains that I cheated. I never, in a million fucking years, would have seen myself cheating on anyone, ever, for any reason. Why didn’t I just break up with him when I found out he cheated? Why didn’t I just break up with him when I was even considering cheating? Why didn’t I break up with him because I was miserable in the relationship? Because I loved him? It’s how I felt at the time. I didn’t want to give up. I was extremely depressed and so lonely. I wanted comfort, even though I didn’t truly want it from who I got it from instead. It’s still not good enough for me. I hate myself for it and it makes me wonder if I even truly know who I am. I can’t believe that I cheated on someone. And it doesn’t make it even a little better that he cheated on me. Somehow, it makes it worse.

… I just don’t know. I don’t get it.

jvgr's avatar

What would be the point of a cheater simply announcing the fact?

La_chica_gomela's avatar

Jvgr, What’s the point of simply announcing the fact that you were cheated on?

Nimis's avatar

LCG: Desired sympathy?

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punkrockworld's avatar

cause im not a cheater fooo

tessa's avatar

I’ve never cheated, but I have been the other girl, which is just as bad if you ask me. Something I have learned from being the other girl for a year with the same guy is 1) you can love two people at the same time 2) in his case he cheated because he did it when he was young and dumb and realized he could get away with it, so he kept doing it through the years. and lets face it, forbidden sex is amazing. So, it becomes addictive and you want more and more. But in the end, who wants to build a relationship on the ruins of another? This guy was a cheater, through and through. Though I hope his experience with me (loving two people is not an easy thing to deal with – and I was his first in that respect) has helped him get over his addiction to cheating. Falling in love was a consequence to cheating he hadn’t expected.

And I know other guys who have cheated, and it was absolutely a one time I was stupid type of thing. A very different story from the guy above.

Cheaters like everyone else cannot be put into one box.

veronasgirl's avatar

It’s easier and more socially acceptable to be the victim rather than the villian.
I’ve never cheated on a boyfriend, but I was the girl that a guy cheated on HIS girlfriend with. To some degree, I feel sympathy for cheaters. Sometimes emotions just take over and your rational mind doesn’t compute the consequences of your actions until after you screw everything up…

jackfright's avatar

There’s usually no benefit whatsoever to announcing it.
when you’re the victim, you can wallow in self pity and sympathy.

melover139's avatar

Being a cheater is like a player

SamiRae527's avatar

I think cheaters don’t like talking about it because there ashamed, Ive cheated on someone and its a terrible thing to do i felt so guilty of course i never told the person, to this day i still feel terrible

danimal's avatar

Because the guilt that person has is their bane to bare, to talk about it and be open about it makes it only easier to accept the fact that you’re a cheater and hence makes it easier to get over.

I cheated, I told nobody at first except for the girl i cheated on. I was ashamed and filled w/ guilt, I didn’t tell any of my friends cause I felt that the guilt was the price. Eventually i did talk and the guilt did go down, specially cause guys are assholes and will congratulate you on being a ‘player’. I hate men.

clioi's avatar

I think people are much more likely to talk about being cheated on than being a cheater because people most always assume the worst of cheaters. They’re probably very embarrassed by it and would rather just shove it under the carpet.

AnonymousWoman's avatar

Why would people who have cheated want to talk about that? Chances are, the person who cheated KNOWS he or she was in the wrong… and to talk about it would be to admit to not having the best history. What I find more weird than this is when I read things people have said who I KNOW have cheated who seem to want to be with people who wouldn’t cheat on THEM, especially if these people act as though they never did any wrong.

Storybooklover's avatar

I cheated on this really great guy and it ripped my heart out.To this day I regret it and wish I could change what happened.

Coloma's avatar

Being able to admit to cheating takes a big person and a humbled ego.

While there are infinite reasons for cheating, there are no excuses.

IMO a majority of cheaters have character and personality disorders that lend themselves to the problem, and, of course, no one wants to admit they F—ked up, especially the mentally screwed up! lol

Anytime another does something that has life altering consequences for another they should feel bad about it! Maybe not forever, but yes, take your lumps due.

The problem with cheating is the lying, and lying takes away anothers right to make their own choices based on fact and reality and not duplicity.

THAT is the biggest issue with any duplicitious conduct.

Who the hell is anyone to rob another of THEIR right to make a decision from a place of total honesty?

jess_tea's avatar

I cheated before and I have also been cheated on. Not very proud of the cheating part… but I grew up and learned that I was wrong… VERY wrong!!

Justice13's avatar

…because there is a lack of people in the population whom are that honest about their lack of faithfulness…

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