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chicadelplaya's avatar

He's not over his ex. Should I be patient or should I go?

Asked by chicadelplaya (2213points) October 7th, 2008

I met a really amazing man at a mutual friend’s bbq and we hit it off immediately! We talked for 6 hours and started dating that week. We truly had an awesome connection and started spending most of our free time together. Things seemed to be progressing beautifully until 6 weeks in. This is when, on our first weekend away together, he breaks down and tells me he lied to me when he said he was over his ex. I had asked him about it because he casually brought her up a few times. So now I’m feeling heartbroken. I know he cares about me a lot, but I don’t know if I can be with someone who is still missing his ex. They dated for 4 months and were broken up for 2 when we met. He says he’s not over the way it ended between them (she broke it off without much explanation and moved away), but I don’t think he’s over her altogether. I care for him deeply, but I don’t ever want to be or feel like someone’s “second best”. I don’t know what to do. Please help!

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14 Answers

bodyhead's avatar

Get rid of him. You don’t want to be anyone’s silver metal.

forestGeek's avatar

Don’t go there! If he’s not over her, there is no way he can be with you 100%, which is what good healthy relationships need. Both partners need to be healthy and with each other 100%. You WILL be his second choice, and everyone deserves to be the first choice.

Fieryspoon's avatar

If you’re with him, and he’s not over someone else, you’re probably going to establish a pattern that will pretty much prevent him from really loving you. I would suggest leaving for now, and maybe coming back when he’s over his own issues.

From my own perspective, I’ve been the dude, not over the ex, not really wanting to be in the relationship, and essentially being a big jerk about it. It ended up sucking for both of us, and I wish I had just figured out my garbage before bringing someone else into it. We would have been able to have a much healthier relationship, had that happened.

squirbel's avatar

I did this once. He was totally into me, and I him.

In the end, I was very patient… I stuck by him and comforted him in his moments of pain – but he left.

I’d say, from my own experience, move on until he comes after you. Don’t make it a nasty break up – state clearly that you believe it is too soon to be serious with him because he is not over his old girlfriend. Also state how much you care about him – and that you are open to him in the future. Make these things very clear, and he will understand that the ball is in his court. Once he is ready, if he is ready – he will come back to you.

This also puts the fire under his butt – he will realize that he either needs to get over his ex fast – or take his time and find you if you are still available.

dalynnf's avatar

If he’s serious about your relationship, and cares for you, and you aren’t ready to walk away, then ask him to seek the closure he needs. Perhaps in his quest he will realize that he cares for you but simply needs closure. Don’t be there for him during this time. Let him seek and if he realizes you are something special then he will come find you but don’t wait around. Be considerate BUT think of yourself first.

Tantigirl's avatar

In my opinion he can’t be in love with you unless he is out of love with her. I’d say give him space. Given time, he may come back to you. If he doesn’t, well, what have you truly lost? How happy would you be, knowing that someone else is on his mind, when his mind should be totally on you.

charliecompany34's avatar

where i come from, your new friend is “on the rebound.” the BBQ was an outlet for him and your presence was the sauce on his chicken. you’re attractive, a great talker and you believed you were entering into a great relationship. and for the most part, it is and was and is, BUT he still thinks of the smell of her and the things she used to do and say and he cant get those images out of his database.

he really needs time to heal and its not your fault you were at that cookout and it turned out like this.

Knotmyday's avatar

Leave before you get hurt further.

krose1223's avatar

Don’t even mess with that. You’re asking for heartache by staying with him. You deserve to be the only girl on his mind, and you should never settle for anything less. It could end up really hurting your self-esteem if you’re constantly wondering whether he’s thinking about you or her.

syz's avatar

Rebound relationships suck. Don’t do it.

Hurting's avatar

I’m in a similar situation. I was with my boyfriend for 2 years but we have known each other for 6 years. For me, it was the best 2 years of my life – I finally met the man, the ONE, we clicked and were such a strong couple. Or so I thought. Coming up to our first anniversary, I realised he wasn’t himself. We had been talking about marriage and children. He said that he really wanted us to be have a future together but couldn’t see how right now, as he didn’t couldn’t give me all the love he knew he had. He felt under pressure to do the right thing, but just couldn’t. Although I was the ‘perfect woman’ for him, he couldn’t give me all – yet he wanted to. I asked him so many questions about why he was feeling this way. He said he needed time. I gave him time. We were back together within 2 weeks. This happened a second time, again we were together within a week. I thought we were happy – he seemed to be so happy and over it all – until he broke up with me a month ago, saying that he couldn’t go on, that it wasn’t fair to me, that he needed to clear the air, so he could come back 100 per cent. I was so shocked and hurt. After more probing, I eventually got it out of him that he still wasn’t over his ex. I felt soooo hurt that he hadn’t told me this before, all this time I was searching for reasons why and thinking it was just a bad case of cold feet. He used to give out about her -saying that they fight so much. We never argued. He told me that he had been secretly meeting her – just that – for some time, in an attempt to get closure. They had a fiery relationship, exactly the opposite to us. Why can someone not get over a bad relationship and, at the same time, have a loving relationship with someone else and then kill it? I just can’t understand why he is holding on to something so unhealthy and killing a wonderful relationship with so much promise. I feel so bitter, sad, hurt, angry – even if he comes back, I don’t think I could put the pieces back together. I trusted him with my heart, and now it’s crushed. He says he wants to make it work. I really don’t see how. I’m just so devastated.

AliHay's avatar

Huun. Im kinda dealing with a similuar thing. I met the dude, last year around this time, and a little after we met, him and his gf brokeup. He’s went out with meeh, buut things didnt work, I mean he still likes meeh, but isnt over his exx. Just be friends and explain everything to him. Untill he’s over. her. Goodluckk [:

Jeruba's avatar

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, @chicadelplaya. I wish we could make it easier for you.

I see lots of great advice above. I just find myself wondering if this is his pattern. He wasn’t really with her for very long. Was he on the rebound when he met her? Will you now be the ex he can’t yet forget?

I knew a guy who was like that with jobs: every job he held, all he could talk about was where he used to work—they did this, they did that, he used to do this and that. He could never quite make it over the hurdle into now.

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