General Question

generalspecific's avatar

Is it weird that I think having sex will ruin all my relationships?

Asked by generalspecific (1874points) October 13th, 2008

And how can I avoid this frame of mind?

I guess it’s probably because I lost my virginity young, but it’s made it weird in all my relationships. I just feel like if we have sex it will make everything different and bad and we can’t ever just have a normal relationship.
I don’t want to be sleeping around or anything, but I just want to feel comfortable in a relationship without this constantly weighing on my mind. It makes me feel awful, even just making out because I feel like it will lead to something else. So I dunno.. Advice? Anything?

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13 Answers

syz's avatar

It sounds to me as if you would benefit from some counseling. Seeking out counseling does not mean that there’s something wrong with you, it merely means that you’re smart enought to seek outside help for an issue that is affecting your health or happiness.

generalspecific's avatar

@syz, that’s what I was afraid of

marinelife's avatar

Here is what you need to ponder. Sex is part of a normal romantic relationship.

You don’t mention your specific circumstances.

I think that syz is quite right. This is probably an issue where you could benefit a lot by exploring it with a professional therapist.

lapilofu's avatar

If both partners are comfortable with having sex (or at comfortable with the idea—no doubt there sometimes be uncomfortableness the first time just from general awkwardness) and keep communication open and as clear as possible—I cannot stress enough the importance of good communication. Talk about as much as possible.—then sex can be really wonderful and even strengthen a relationship.

In short, communicate. Never feel like you can’t or shouldn’t discuss something with your partner about sex and your relationship. That’s where badness starts.

generalspecific's avatar

Oh, and I forgot to mention I’m 17.

cyndyh's avatar

Yes. It’s weird. That’s not to say that I think you should do anything you’re not comfortable with. I don’t think you should. But it would benefit you a lot to figure out why you feel this way and overcome it. Counseling would probably be a good idea. You don’t want to always feel that way or you’ll be limiting you ability to have a happy relationship. I wish you the best.

syz's avatar

Ok, if you’re seventeen, then I think your perception is skewed. How can you possibly have been in enough long term relationships to know that sex affects how you feel about someone? What’s your hurry? If you’re being pressured to have sex before you feel comfortable, then you’re dating the wrong person. I know it’s hard to believe, but you have a long time to meet people, get to know them, decide whether or not you want to be intimate with them, and explore your sexuality. Why tie yourself down at this point in your life? Be an independent, free spirit and don’t worry about how someone else thinks you should be acting in a relationship. If you don’t think you want to sleep with someone, for God’s sake, don’t!

generalspecific's avatar

I was in a 9-month relationship and then a couple 2–3 month relationships. What does that have to do with me not knowing that sex affects how I feel in a relationship? I am clearly aware of how it makes me feel, and that is precisely my problem in pursuing other relationships. And I don’t feel pressured to have sex before I’m comfortable either, that’s not the issue here. Because I have no idea when I’m comfortable because I always feel like sex is going to ruing everything, it’s on my mind in the whole time.
I’m not in any sort of hurry, I know I have a while to meet people. But the problem is that I can’t just enjoy a relationship at all.

cyndyh's avatar

Definitely talk with a professional. Seventeen is really young to be worried about this. It does sound like you’re rushing things -at least in your mind.

loki's avatar

maybe you haven’t found a person that you are sexually compatible with.

Emilyy's avatar

I lost my virginity at 15, and that one sexual encounter scared the crap out of me. It was with a boyfriend of 7 months, but it was a very negative experience. And looking back, I was too young to lose it and therefore ended up fearing sex and what sex would do to relationships for a while. I don’t know if this was the best way to self-therapize, but I completely abstained from sex (and hardly dated for that matter) until I was 18 and a college student, and at that point I knew that I was mature enough to handle it. It worked out for me, because I think that I have a pretty mature handle on sex at this point, but before I was 18 I was just too young to deal with it all.

What I’m saying is, maybe you just need to slow things down, enjoy being young, and stop worrying about sex so much. I know that’s probably all everyone around you is thinking about, but there’s something to be said for saying to yourself, “I’m not quite ready for this.”

elchoopanebre's avatar

I don’t mean to sound insensitive but I do want to put it how I see it.

It’s because you’re 17…how can you expect to have a healthyrelationship with someone that involves sex that young? You’re intuition is telling you that you’re not ready yet.

It doesn’t, however, mean that sex won’t be a healthy and integral part of your life down the road. Just because now it complicates and perhaps messes things up doesn’t mean it will in the future.

generalspecific's avatar

@elch.. That’s my problem, I don’t want to have a relationship that involves sex. I want that whole deal to go away, just want a normal relationship but I can’t seem to have that because I’m so worried about the sex thing.

but thanks everyone.. I talked to my mom about it, and pretty much decided to try talking to a counsler. so hopefully that’lll turn out nicely.

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