General Question

bybvibe93's avatar

What do you do when you like someone that is with another person?

Asked by bybvibe93 (232points) August 14th, 2007 from iPhone

I'm a senior in highschool and i know at my age it may not seem like a lot to some, but theres this girl that i like that im very close to and have known since i was in diapers. Our moms teach together, our brothers are best buds, we go to the same church. I have liked her on and off since around 5th grade and i think that shes the one, minor problem. Shes had a bf for a few years now... What do i do? Do i do anything?

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48 Answers

mzgator's avatar

Maybe you tell her..........? Keep it between you and she. Don't get the Mom's involved for sure. It has to be your decision. If you are willing to take the chance....go for it. If you think her relationship is meaningful and will last...maybe you keep it quiet and wait and see. Whatever is meant to be will happen.

kevbo's avatar

if you want her, the most direct path is to compete for her. Do not be/come her sympathetic friend. Do not commiserate with her about her current relationship. Instead, demonstrate to her that you are interested in her as something other than a friend. And you have to persist. There's a saying that goes something like "no girl ever objected to being swept off her feet." You have to be that guy.

Read "how to succeed with women" by louis and copeland. I wish I had read it at your age.

bybvibe93's avatar

alright thanks guys those are both good answers, I'll keep trying. And hopefully all will go well :)

gailcalled's avatar

Since you are a senior, that means everyone will go in separate directions soon. Stay a good, close and loving friend, keep in touch and see what happens. I disagree, respectfully, w. kevbo. It may happen, once she leaves HS, that her relationship w. present bf will change. It happens all the time. Your feelings about her may change, also, once you move on...have you graduated or will you in June 2008?

Many women would be annoyed or uncomfortable being pursued by an alleged friend who knows about the emotional commitment to another guy.

Jill_E's avatar

I second Gailcalled.

Need to be careful..

you don't want to be seen as the 'other guy' and respect is very important in a relationship. Also Trust is important in a relationship.. You may have a hard time trusting her fully eventually if she was swept off by you and if you are in a relationship in the may 'wonder' if another guy will come along.

bybvibe93's avatar

ok, yes i will graduate in '08

Perchik's avatar

I've been in a similar situation.

I've noticed that girls get closer to guys when they already have a boyfriend. This presents a lot of problems. Tell her you like her. She'll be completely suprised (they never seem to notice when they're with someone). Odds are she's happy with the current guy and she didn't think of you like that. From there you either stay friends (albeit awkward) or you kinda fade apart. Or she does like you and she breaks up with the other guy. Or you don't tell her and you find someone else in the future, always wondering what if.

Truth is, it's a bad place to be, with the only good solution being the most rare.

bybvibe93's avatar

wow, you hit the nail on the head with that answer. Thank you, I dont like my chances here but I'll do whatever it takes.

sndfreQ's avatar

The microcosm of High School places great social burden individually and collectively...depending on how she views herself within her social circles and the larger high school social scene, you may want to wait until after graduation to tell her...people tend to act differently and see the world differently after graduating high school, and maybe then she may be more receptive to hearing you out versus second-guessing what others may think of her decision/feelings for you or bf the summer after you graduate;

I also agree with gailcalled-your behavior and actions this year will be in her mind-and if the response is positive, she will look back on this as a year-long courtship (if she's a romantic that is).

I 'courted' my high school sweetheart the entire summer after she graduated from H.S., and she finally acquiesced right before starting college that fall...and we've been together ever since (17 years and counting this month! But we both count ourselves as exceptions to the rule)...good luck and follow your heart, and remember, you've got your whole life ahead of you, even if you don't receive the response from her you expected-at least you got it off your chest and move on.

flameboi's avatar

do nothing, be a gentleman and step aside, if her current relationship fails, show up and let her know that u did what u did because u didn't want to interfere, if its meant to be then something will come up of it, if not, then u'll find someone somewhere someday, I've been where you are so trust me, its the best way...

Poser's avatar

Leave it alone. What is your best-case scenario? She dumps current BF, gets with you. You date her through college, maybe get married, spend the best years of your life in a single relationship and one or both of you begin to resent the other one for stealing their youth.

No, man. You've got to get out there and live life first. That's what she's doing. As John Mayer said, "she's out there, learning what to contrast you against." You gotta do the same.

Studies show that you must date at least 13 people to be able to maintain a healthy, successful marriage. You're about to start the most exciting time in your life. Don't tie yourself down too early. Be her friend this year, keep in touch after graduation, whatever. In the meantime, go out and bang as much tail as you can.

gailcalled's avatar

If I were this young woman, or any young woman, for that matter, falling in love w. a guy who spent his college years "banging as much tail as (sic) he can," would be unlikely. Maybe I am in the minority. And I certainly wouldn't be too happy being one of the tail being banged. That advice is mean-spirited as opposed to the rest of Poser's sensible suggestions.

kevbo's avatar

Have we been successfully in confusing you?

To quote the Bard, "This above all, to thine own self be true."

kevbo's avatar

da**it. *successful*

bybvibe93's avatar

so what im getting out of all this is to just sit back and see what happens? Do i tell her i like her so she is aware, or no?

kevbo's avatar

Whatever your decision, you need to start writing some love poetry. If there's sweeping to be done later, that'll make a good broom. And, it might help clarify your dilemma.

If it were me, I wouldn't say anything unless I planned to follow through.

joli's avatar

Keep in close contact with her; ask her to do fun things with you as a lifetime friend but do not disclose your feeling until you are sure AND she's available, which right now she is not. In the meantime date other girls/women and never ever refer to a woman as a "tail to bang. " You will lose all credibility, respect AND their interest.

bybvibe93's avatar

yeah i know, im not like that and i dont plan to become "that".

hossman's avatar

Looking back over my life, evidently what I do is accept the cruel hand of destiny. Yup, my past love life reads like Dostoyevsky. The bleak, cold, desolate Siberian steppes of my heart, the stoic Russian acceptance of a grim, unyielding existence devoid of passion. Woe is me.

bybvibe93's avatar

wow thats pretty deep, ok after hearing everyones answers I think I know what I will do. My plan is to let her know that I like her, so that I know she is aware. I will hang out with her and be there for her as much as I can. Then I will wait, and let fate decide the rest. Does that sound like the right way t go about it?

Perchik's avatar

Sounds good to me.

bybvibe93's avatar

ok, anyone else? When I get 5 yes' I will go that route


GothGirl1313's avatar

I'm not sure at this point you want to reveal all your feelings. Maybe tell her that you care for her deeply. Your life will change once you leave high school and quite possibly your feelings, but by all means stay in touch with her. I agree with Joli, date other women. Don't look at women as 'tail to bang'. I must mention that I was thinking about Kevbo's comment about writing poetry as the start of your broom. I'm posting this question: Do men sweep women off their feet nowadays? I feel it's a lost art.

Poser's avatar

No. Don't tell her. Call it "dating other women," call it "tail to bang," call it "sweeping women off their feet,"--It all amounts to the same thing. I just took all the pretense out of it.

You've got to get out there and live your life. Right now it seems that this girl is the best thing you've got going. Like she's your soul mate. She isn't. And even if she is, you first need to kiss a lot of frogs...

bybvibe93's avatar

ok let me clarify somthing first and see if this changes anything. I have dated numerous girls in my highschool years. But it seems that everytime it doesnt feel right, it always comes back to her. I just cant get over her, i try keep my mind off of her. Buy i just cant..

Poser's avatar

It still doesn't change anything. Your life will be completely different by this time next year. What seems of utmost importance now will seem trivial. From my point of view, if you do this and get what you want now, it will most likely not be what you want in the near future. Then one or both of you will start to resent the other.

Honestly, I can barely remember the names or faces of the girls I dated in high school.

Perchik's avatar

@ poser, there is a difference in those three phrases.

Honestly Poser's advice is horrible. You do not need to date a lot of people before you end up with one. Poser obviously doesn't understand the concept of loving someone, and to him it's all about having fun now, until he is forced to settle down.

bybvibe93. In my life, when I told the girl, that was the only way to move on with my life. And in your case, I think that's the same. If you don't tell her, you'll still be fixated on her for a long time. That's probably not healthy. It's like I said before, there's usually one of two outcomes of telling her. If she doesn't like you, you will eventually move on. If someone had told me that, I wouldn't believe them either, but you WILL move on. If she does like you, you're set.

gailcalled's avatar

@bvibe; do you want a disparate group of strangers of different ages, sex, POV, experiences, etc. voting to decide your behavior? Take it from Mama don't.
Get outside; go jogging, play some Ult. Frisbee, coach a little league team, do something nice for someone, cut the lawn for your family, eat an ice cream...forget about all of us..we are not you. Use your common sense and sensibility. I wonder what the memory of the girls (frogs, tail) that Poser dated) is of him?

hossman's avatar

I apologize to byvbibe93 for my prior flippant post, as I had not read all of the posts in this thread. Sir, do NOT take advice from anyone who refers to other humans as "tail to bang." I concur with gailcalled's exceptionally trenchant suggestion that Poser's prior partners may have a significantly different recollection of their interaction w/Poser than he does. "Tail to bang" suggests the level of thoughtfulness and romance usually observed at the howler monkey exhibit at the zoo. If mindless sexual gratification is all you want, my wife stumbled across a documentary the other day that examined the perfect "partner" and my recommendation for Poser's next dalliance:

I genuinely wish I had never dated anyone before I met my wife. I wish my only memories were of her. Many of the successful marriages I know are of couples who never dated anyone other than their spouses.

As a divorce attorney, I am well aware of the danger "old flames" pose to marriages. I have seen many marriages torn apart by spouses who had to indulge in "one more for old time's sake." In fact, a tip for you all? ALWAYS go with your spouse to their reunion. STAY WITH your spouse the whole time, no matter how dull the conversation. DO NOT permit the opportunity for stupidity and selfishness to vent itself. The resentment Poser describes is that of selfish people who were not ready to be married in the first place. Dating 13 people before a "healthy" marriage? I'd really like to see the internals on that study, if there is one. Wonder how many of those healthy marriages ended in divorce a few years later.

13 relationships before marriage to me would mean I wasted my time 13 times. My emotional, psychological and physical well-being is too important to waste on something that isn't going to be for the rest of somebody's life. I have been flirted with since I was married, and my attitude (and I've said this to them as well) is "I don't play in the minor leagues anymore." If all you want is sexual gratification, then you are placing yourself and your partner at the level of a rutting goat. Sure, I see that type of conduct all the time. Sure, I've had grown "human beings" (I use that term loosely as I do not believe they deserve it) sit across my desk and tell me, in essence, it's OK their children will lose the life they have always known and be placed at a financial, emotional and psychological disadvantage (Number one indicator of educational success is still: quality of teachers? programs offered? Nope, whether parents have ever divorced) just so they can possibly increase their level of sexual gratification. The number one negative social factor today remains the breakup of the nuclear family. Now, I know many of you will say divorce was a good experience for your family. May I suggest it is difficult to accurately ascertain the true impact from the inside, and study after study after study shows that in the long run, divorce is a bad thing for a large majority. Certainly there are divorces that have to happen for good reasons, but I've been involved in thousands of them, and the number one cause of divorce comes down to selfishness, the self-centered "it's all about me and what I want right now" exhibited by Poser. Avoid that type of decision making at all costs, and I am dismayed anyone would offer that sort of advice to a person of your age. Poser, you should be ashamed. Stay away from young people. In fact, stay away from people. Ordinarily I avoid being this blunt to an individual, but there are two types of "people" in this world: 1) wonderful, amazing miracles of God's Creation; and 2) wastes of food. It has been my mission as an attorney and now a teacher to try to protect the 1's from the 2's. Sure, every 2 has the right to be an idiot, but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to label it for what it is. I always hold out hope a 2 can be persuaded to change, and I try to be a vehicle for that change, but that doesn't mean I turn a blind eye to it. Think about it, we have a post seeking good advice from a young person, in a delicate situation with their families, church and community involved, and this young person is advise to "bang tail." Shame. Shame on you. Maybe your mother isn't around to say it, but I will. You have done this young person a disservice by advising him to reckless, selfish, risky conduct. You know what, Poser? The other people here have been way too tolerant and polite, far more courtesy than you exhibit or deserve. Sometimes you try to treat cancer, but sometimes, to prevent it from spreading, you just CUT IT OUT and throw it away. Shame on you. Yes, I AM consciously talking to you the way I would a naughty child or pet. Shame on you.

bybvibe93's avatar

Your right, poser gave me very poor advise when I was looking for help on a delicate situation. And you know what? I'm going to ignore that he said, I will thrive to be the best boy friend, best friend, son, neighbor what ever it may be. I will thrive to be a decent guy, unlike poser. Alright well ive successfully learned what not to do, but I am yet to get a good grasp on the right thing to do in my situation.

Poser's avatar

First of all, the irony of a lawyer calling anyone a "waste of food" is almost too blatant to ignore. Almost.

Second, I have nothing to appologize for. I'm sure there are lots of long, happy marriages that begin when one person dumps their current significant other for someone else. So go ahead. Good luck with that.

Third, what do you have against dating? Congratulations, you love your wife. Are you telling me that I'll be less able to love mine because I dated before I ever met her? If you are unable to trust your wife at her high school reunion, then I must wonder about the quality of your marriage. I trust my fiance implicitly. Old flames or not.

How can anyone be expected to make coherent decisions about life at 16, 17, 18? You haven't lived life yet. With all due respect to bybvibe93 (which is little, if any) you don't know anything at that age. How can you make an informed decision about what kind of person you want to be with forever when you don't even know what kind of person you are yet? Hell, I'm ten years out of high school, and I'm still becoming the person I want to be.

Shame on you, hoss, for trying to make this young man believe that he is currently equipped with sufficient knowledge and experience to make such life-changing decisions at this age. How dare you call my ethics into question because I don't subscribe to your particular brand of "morality." I treat everyone I know with the utmost respect. Until they prove that they don't deserve it.

Now, to bybvibe93, let me answer your question as I originally wanted to:

You selfish prick. How dare you consider trying to break up someone's relationship because you think you're in love. You think she's the one, yet you want to start off your life with her by selfishly breaking up her relationship of several years. If you love her, you'll do what's best for her.

That is maturity. That is love.

Poser's avatar

Every one of your posts--this entire thread--smacks of self-centeredness. "I just cant get over her, i try keep my mind off of her. Buy i just cant.."

I, I, I.

You haven't once mentioned what you think is best for her. It's all about what you want. Now.

No one here has mentioned anything about this girl. Maybe her current bf is her one.

hossman's avatar

Poser, you prove my point. Shame on you. You should be barred from this website. A young man comes to this site, politely looking for advice, and you call him a prick? Shame, shame, shame. I see from another post you have a son. Will that be your advice to him? Go out and "bang some tail?" Aren't you the great role model?

You think you're being clever by rephrasing why we are upset with you. Nowhere did we advise this young man to never date. Self-centered? You're the guy who refers to human beings as "tail." I feel dirty and greasy even responding to you. And of course, since you lack the intelligence to engage in reasoned debate, you start calling names. I never made the link between you and my #2's, but now I do. Oh, and you insult lawyers. There's a tough one. Hey, Poser, when your wife get's tired of being treated as "tail," I hope you don't get a lawyer who is as helpful as I. The thought you can brand someone by their occupation is amazing. I brand you by your own words. Frankly, my cancer analogy is appropriate, and you've just disclosed your malignancy. I suggest Poser be shunned by us all.

hossman's avatar

And further, Poser, you say this young man does not know anything, and is not deserving of respect? Shame. You are the one who does not deserve respect. If he genuinely is inexperienced or making bad decisions, it is no fault of his, but due to his age. He should be treated with even greater care. You, however, are a corrupting influence. You suggest someone who may be a minor, go out and "bang some tail," possibly with other minors, which may very well be a crime in his state. I hope your own son somehow manages to be untouched by your apparent amorality. You are a danger to your own children. I hope he does not grow up to be like you, as there are far too many "tail bangers" in the world already. What kind of a man refers to the gender of the mother of his children as "tail?"

bybvibe93's avatar

poser, if you dont think that I respect this girl, well then your train has gone way off the tracks. If you haven't noticed I've been debating whether to tell her that I like her or not, much less pursue her or try to sabatage her relationship for my own interest. Even if she is aware that I like her, she is extremely smart and I know she would do the right thing. Seeing her happy, seeing a smile on her face means more to me then anything. And if I'm not the guy that will put a smile on her face or joy in her heart then so be it. I'm a tough kid, I'd understand and if I have to I can
push myself away.

P.S. Dont tell me I'm a selfish prick that doesn't know anything. From the looks of it your the self centered one, not me.

hossman's avatar

Good for you, bybvibe93. You said it better than any of us. I think you knew the answer all along, you just needed the reassurance of having it confirmed by some helpful people. Sorry if this has been unpleasant for you, this site is usually a very nice place to be.

maggiesmom1's avatar

Well. Wow. To actually answer your question, bybvibe, I think it would be totally acceptable to go to her and say something along the lines of, "I just have to put this out there because it's driving me insane. You can do whatever you want with the information, and I don't expect anything. I have feelings for you & I think you & I would be awesome together. That's all."
Then you can let her just decide what she wants to do. Of course, you have to be able to accept whatever she decides and hopefully be cool enough to be able to remain friends with her if she decides she doesn't feel the same way. It's a risk, for sure, but at least you'll get it out of your head & on the table.

bybvibe93's avatar

yeah, I'm thinking about saying something like that, just without the part about how awesome I think we would be together (that seems like a bit much) there is another thing I forgot to mention, I'm really good friends with her boyfriend. So if she were to choose me, I know he would know I said something, plus I would feel terrible.

bybvibe93's avatar

this situation is like building a card pyramid, it could look beautiful. But there's a huge chance it could all fall apart. : /

maggiesmom1's avatar

Yeah, there always is that chance. It all kinda rests on you - you have to weigh the pros & cons & make your decision from there. Maybe wait & see what happens with her relationship & go from there. Does he know how you feel about her? That could make it stickier.

bybvibe93's avatar

No, thats the last thing i want to happen (him knowing)

bybvibe93's avatar

any more ideas?

gailcalled's avatar

Sit on all these suggestions for a while, keep them warm. see what hatches and if it feels right for you. I feel that one never should make a big decision w/o a lot of brooding.

bybvibe93's avatar

ok i will think about all that has been said and see what comes to me

ironhiway's avatar

After spending all the time reading the posts only to notice it’s 4 months old. So what happened? Has anything hatched.

makemo's avatar


Tell her.

Then, it’s a matter of either hitting the road, far far away from both of them, OR, it’s going to become you and her, AND, in which case, expect not to ever have contact with your friend, if ever, at least for a very very very long time.


If it’s not worth it – i.e. your feelings towards her aren’t firmly grounded in your heart and mind – skip the whole thing and move along. Just listen to your heart and try to communicate, with an open and honest approach, with your inner feelings. There’s the answer; beyond any sort of moral barriers and things that doesn’t deal with feelings.

kevman613's avatar

what ever happened with u and this girl. Im a senior now and im in the exact same situation but im sorta iffy about each suggestion

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