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missjena's avatar

Once a cheater always a cheater?

Asked by missjena (918points) October 13th, 2008 from iPhone

on different gf/ bfs. Do you agree or disagree

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

18 Answers

nocountry2's avatar

I wish I knew.

missjena's avatar

from my experience And from statistics def once a cheater always a cheater. ( I’m not saying every single person but 9 out of 10) for sure!

augustlan's avatar

Don’t know. Hope to never need to know.

BioMystro's avatar

Certainly as missjena has already pointed out, the statistics would agree that once a cheater, always a cheater and verify my mother’s long-held view.
However it depends upon the person involved, people can make the most horrendous mistakes as we have the ability to be terrifically stupid. Though I’m afraid once that trust has been misused, it will never quite be there the same again.

laureth's avatar

Generally I’d say yes, but it also depends upon how seriously they take that relationship. I cheated around sometimes when I was young and stupid, but now that I’m married to a man I truly love, I have no interest whatsoever in going anywhere else for some hot lovin’.

That said, if someone cheats in a relationship, that particular relationship is probably doomed – but maybe not the next one.

SuperMouse's avatar

I’m going against the grain here and saying not necessarily. There are many variables to be considered before a sweeping generalization is made. Many, many couples have overcome the horror of a cheating spouse with love, communication, therapy, patience, and time. If the offender is a serial cheater my answer would be different, but for a one time indiscretion, there is a chance to repair things.

cyndyh's avatar

I think it depends in part on whether they came forward or admitted it right away or whether they lied and lied and lied once caught. If they were trying to get away with something over and over they’ll keep cheating. That’s not a person trying to repair anything because they aren’t truly sorry for what they did. They’re only sorry they got caught.

cecildooderbop's avatar

Yes. I think when you have a boyfriend, significant other, husband etc. you’re making a commitment to that person. If you’re going to cheat, who says you won’t do it again?

wundayatta's avatar

As many people have pointed out, there can be exceptions, but in general, this is probably a reasonable truism. As a man, feeling the way I do, I would say that a cheater will cheat again if the underlying problems that lead to the cheating in the first place are not addressed.

Most people believe that the cheater takes all the blame. Few think about what caused the cheater to cheat, and even if they do think about it, they don’t think it matters. It’s a matter of black and white, for most. Cheating is wrong.

Still, I think that if you don’t think about what lead to the cheating, you can’t stop the cheater from cheating. They are looking for something important that they are not getting in the relationship. Since they aren’t getting it, and it is extremely important to them, they go outside the relationship.

I would say that if you find out what this is, and find a way to address it adequately, the cheater won’t cheat again. If you don’t acknowledge it exists (no one who is cheated on feels like they have to take any responsibility for what the cheater did), then you can’t fix it. The cheater will cheat again.

I suggest this as a matter of practicality, not moral appropriateness. If the relationship is valuable, then the moral outrage that is felt by the cuckold must be set aside, because it will get in the way of addressing the problems in the relationship. If you don’t address the problems, you can’t stop the immoral behavior.

laureth's avatar

@daloon – you’re right. And that’s why people should read articles like this one ( Yes, cheating is ‘wrong,’ but it’s also misguided to think it’s not going to happen if things are essentially ‘broken.’

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Generally, yes, but I don’t think it’s always the case. Daloon is absolutely correct – not all people cheat just ‘because’. It is always wrong, but sometimes there are actual reasons that drive people to do it.

missjena's avatar

there have been studies on the psychology of cheaters and its usually a weakness in the person deceiving, lieing, and cheating. It is part of a persons character. I cannot tell you how miserable I was in my past relationship and I never cheated. I have many links to videos and articles as soon as I get home I’ll link them here if anyones interested. Why dont people just break up than? Why cheat and stay if their relationship is missing something or their partner is “making” them cheat. Give me a break. Its wrong its heartbreaking and I’m sure its worse than the reason behind their cheating to begin with. People blame it on their partner who they are cheating on so they feel better. If your unhappy breakup! Its a weakness.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

missjena: Some cheaters blame their partners, not all do. Those that do are likely to always behave in that way and thus, will always remain a cheater. However, things are never black and white. I cheated once (and was cheated on before I did it), but some fucked up part of my brain didn’t want to end the relationship because I definitely loved who I was with. I was miserable, but I still didn’t want to let go. Was cheating okay in that case? Absolutely not, but I was lost and confused. Cheating is absolutely a weakness, but it isn’t necessarily a weakness that can’t be overcome. Cheaters just have to realize how screwed up their behavior is and truly be sorry for it. You have to and should feel miserable about it, because until you do, you will never learn.

marinelife's avatar

It depends. Some people are serial cheaters, and some cheat once and learn from the experience.

In the case of your relationship, the signs are not good since your fiance lied about it—even in counseling.

gimmedat's avatar

Hey cecildooderbop, can you Fluther at school? Cool beans, man, that high school is doing something right not to filter Fluther.

Anyway, I have to say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” I have a few friends who have been in relationships where they have either been cheated on or the cheater. In each instance, the cheater was a repeat offender. I mean, c’mon, the best indication of future performance is past performance in pretty much any situation.

missjena's avatar

I also want to mention I mean once a cheater always a cheater in all their relationships not just 1. U know what I mean

whitelily14's avatar

The underlying question is given his/her history would you feel that you could trust them not to do the same to you? If they sound like they learned form their experience I’d give him/her a shot but if their only arguement is “it will never happen again” you might want to watch out.

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