General Question

aeterna's avatar

Relationship help, as always. What should I do?

Asked by aeterna (66points) November 5th, 2008

First off, I am 18 and female. Mike is 20, Dave is 17.

I just got into a relationship with a guy, his name is Mike and he is the kindest person I have ever met. We’ve known each other for about a year but have only been dating for about 2 weeks now. He says he loves me and we get along so well and although I am terrified, I am very happy.

But here is the problem, my ex boyfriend, Dave, who I was with for 2 years and madly in love with, has now come back into my life because we want to be friends. But he wants me back and I’m just so confused.

I love Dave, I always have and always will, but this thing with Mike is probably the healthiest relationship I’ve had since Dave broke up with me over a year ago. But I’ve been waiting and hoping for Dave to want me back this entire time, why does it have to be now? Now that I’m in a relationship with a boy who treats me better than anyone?

What do I do? Do I pick the one man I’ve ever loved and probably will ever love, the one that I used to be so sure was meant for me? Or do I stay with the sweet boy who I might fall in love with and who might break my heart all over again?

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34 Answers

EmpressPixie's avatar

You are really the only person who can answer this.

marinelife's avatar

1. What you are feeling after two weeks is hardly likely to be love. It is, however, still worth nurturing if it is a positive relationship and you are happy in it.

2. Dave wants you back because someone else is interested in you. How did he treat you before (based on what you are saying about Mike I am guessing not well)? Dave’s past behavior is the best predictor of his future behavior. Did he cheat? Dump you? As soon as he gets you away from Mike, he is likely to do whatever he did before again.

3. You have made a step toward growth and maturity and acknowledging your own self worth. Don’t take two steps backward to Dave.

If he really cares for you, he will wait until your current relationship runs its course. Say to him, “I would like to be friends and I am flattered that you would like to be a part of my life, but I know you will understand that I am in a new relationship and need to focus on that right now. Let’s talk again about friendship in 3 months (or six months).”

jessturtle23's avatar

You are only 18. Date both of them.

aeterna's avatar

@jessturtle23: Isn’t that considered cheating?

La_chica_gomela's avatar

I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I would do based on that information:

Never go backward, only forward. Stay with Mike.

jessturtle23's avatar

I said date both of them, not be in a commited relationship with both of them. I dated lots of different people when I was that age and if they started telling me they loved me after two weeks I would think they were crazy.

Likeradar's avatar

@aertrna: dating a person doesn’t imply you can’t date another person. That’s the difference between dating and being in a committed relationship. Just don’t lie to anyone.

Zaku's avatar

Marina’s view is as good as anything I’d come up with.

basp's avatar

I agree with jess. You are only eighteen years old. There is no rule that says you have to have exclusive relationships.
Cool your heels and just enjoy the male attention. Chances are, the decision will come about through circumstance.

gailcalled's avatar

I would be a little careful of a declaration of love from a guy that you have been dating for two weeks (I repeat, “two weeks”.)

cdwccrn's avatar

sounds like you are confused enough that you need to seperate from both of them and experience more of life,grow, mature, find out who you are and what you really want and need out of life.

Siren's avatar

Time is the great “equalizer” in my opinion. I agree with some that not making a decision now may be your best option, since you are undecided to begin with. Both of them have a piece of your heart, but since Mike apparently doesn’t have all of it (yet), looks like there’s still opportunity for Dave to prove he deserves to come back in it. You can be honest with Mike and tell him about Dave, or even just tell Mike you’re not sure where you stand right now commitment-wise at this point, although you care for him. This serves two purposes: (1) Mike can’t say later on that you weren’t completely honest with him and (2) you won’t feel guilty, as you spend time with both to see what’s right for you.

I also agree that you are young, so maybe don’t put too much pressure on yourself to please everyone. Do what’s right for you. We all make mistakes, but if our heart is in the right spot (when we make them) then at least we know we had the right intentions.

Good luck. Hope my answer wasn’t too vague.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Date both of them, sleep with neither of them. Sex screws up these kind of decisions.

susanc's avatar

Yes, I think we’re assuming that when we say “date”, we mean go have fun with, but keep your pants on. And make them do the same.

Remember, you have all the power you need. Use it kindly and honestly, but remember,
no one can be more interested in your well-being than you are.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

“remember, no one can be more interested in your well-being than you are.”

Susanc, That is so true! (GA)

Nimis's avatar

Susan & LCG: While that should be the case, it is unfortunately not always true.
I’ve cared deeply for many self-destructive people in my time. Eesh.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

I guess I was assuming that aeterna is not a self-destructive person…

Nimis's avatar

I would hope not. But then again, she’s considering going back to an ex.
I’m guessing there was a good reason why they broke up in the first place?

susanc's avatar

The two people aeterna’s talking about are 20 and 18. They haven’t had time to develop much ability to sacrifice for anyone else, to put anyone else’s needs first for a little while, or even to really intuit what anyone else’s needs are.
She has to take a primary interest in her own well-being precisely because they can’t.
She could have an interesting time with them, learning to know what her needs and values are, learning how to have fun without getting hurt, learning what’s good for her and what’s not. They’ll value her for her intentionality, her ability to make her own judgments.
Ah, to be young again and have so much good advice….

Nimis's avatar

Oops. I hope my comments didn’t come off sounding like
she shouldn’t take primary interest in her own well-being.
Just saying that not everyone does.

melly6708's avatar

wow.. ok so… even if you love dave with all your heart and you guys went out for 2 years.. i get from what you wrote that he broke up with you.. so there was something there that he didnt like or something going wrong then i dont think you should go back to him. you would seem desperate and you have to have some self worth.. dont go back to what didnt want you. even if he says that he wants you back.. i bet he now appreciates what you did for him back then.. its his lose and now that you have found someone that you actually like and he treats you well then i say you should stay with mike. just tell mike how you feel so that he doesnt end up breaking your heart like dave did.. this is all my opinion and i cant tell you what to do like everyone else said.. but i know where your coming from…. im 19 and i know how you feel because i was kind of in that situation. i liked this guy and told him.. but he didnt and i had become really close to him .. then i met someone else and we started going out.. when the other guy was telling me all these things like .. it wont work out and that im making a wrong decision to go out with him.. but i fell in love with my him (my current bf).. it was hard cause not long ago he called me out of the blue telling me that he was sry about all the things he did to me and that he wanted to be friends.. he had led me on to later on break my heart in a very cruel manner..

but well i just moved on.. dont talk to him anymore.. its the best thing i could do and ive been with my current bf for a year.. i really truely love him

BoyWonder's avatar

Give Mike a chance…Dave missed out on his.

molly's avatar


gailcalled's avatar

Flutherers have good hearing. ^^ No need to shout.

daisy's avatar

#2 in Marina’s answer is an excellent point. I just spoke to my 25 yr old daughter last night about this very thing. A man who she was dating for quite some time started dating his old girlfriend (who had cheated on him) while my dtr was out of town attending a wedding. He never broke it off with my daughter or even had the b@!!$ to talk to her about it when she came back from the wedding. He just let her find out through friends who saw them together and stopped calling her. She was very hurt by how he handled it. Now the girlfriend has cheated on this guy again and he is back trying to worm his way into my daughters life. Although she really thought he was ‘the one’ before, she is wise enough and has enough self worth to realize that anyone who who claimed to love her and yet treated her so poorly is not someone she is willing to take a second chance on.

So if Dave didn’t treat you well, why go back? I know it’s flattering to be wanted again but don’t give up something positive and good for a possibility. Also, 18 is awful young to say that Dave is the only man you will ever love. I wish I had a buck for every time I thought that. I’d be rich now! You will be amazed at how much you will change in the next few years and someday when you look back at some of the guys you dated in your past, you will wonder what you ever saw in some of them.

punkrockworld's avatar

I’m in the same exact situation right now.
The only thing I can really tell you is to follow your heart. I know Dave was your life for 2 years and all but he hurt you by breaking up with you. Why would you take him back if you are in a healthy relationship. There’s a reason why you guys broke up in the first place so don’t look back. A big reason for Dave wanting you back is because he knows your happy with somebody else and it hurts his ego. Guys always want what they can’t have.

The best thing is to be friends with him and continue going out with Mike. If he can’t be friends with you, than that’s his loss.

tessa's avatar

First off, you will fall in love with many more guys : ) you have years to go before you need to worry about settling down. 2nd, don’t go back because it will never be like it was, and you said mike treats you better. 3rd – DO NOT DATE BOTH! If you had started out casual then it might have worked, but considering that both of them appear to love you, they will not be happy. If they agree, their jealousy will eat away at them and ruin the relationship and you will end up losing both guys.
It totally sucks that they both came into your life like this, but love and relationships are so much about timing, and similar things will happen to you again.

Take it a day at a time, and good luck!

lovelace's avatar

trust me hun! let the old one go. he had you once and left you. sometimes as women, we just want to win. you lost when he left you and you didn’t leave him first so what you’re feeling may not even be love, but just a strong urge to have him back…so that you win. be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you would truly be happy if you went back to him. if it’s no and obviously there were some problems, just let go. you have to try new things. healthy is good. stick with healthy. he’s older, more mature. sometimes we just want the “bad guy” but don’t lose the good one. at least that’s what i think but you know best. you know your situation so do what’s right for YOU not for anyone else or anything else but love.

kelly8906's avatar

I think you should stick with the new guy. If Dave broke up with you, who’s to say he won’t do it again! It’s hard to get rid of feelings toward an old ex, trust me, I know… But you have to try and move on. Give the new guy a chance. I think you’d be better off. :)Either way you risk getting your heart broken all over again.

TheFonz_is's avatar

I can empathise with you on this one. Sounds to me like Dave has just done the old joni mitchell (dont know what youve got till its gone.. (or till you see someone else with it).

Forget Dave, he made a mistake, there were reasons you broke up and those would probably be the same again..

plus it seems to me that this Dave bloke enjoys the chase, loved you, got restless, left you, now sees you with someone else and he wants you back.. what happens when you leave Mike, Dave leaves you after a month and your left all alone.

Youve been there once with Dave, now ask yourself how Mike feels about your relationship, and rather than concentrating on your feelings, try and decipher his. Ask yourself if he is happy with the way things are currently.

Too often I get caught up in my own feelings and forget other people are thinking things that I would never realise.

ohmyword's avatar

Honestly, I think the best policy is to never go backwards. That gentleman had his go with you and it didn’t work out. His loss, not yours. Enjoy the healthy relationships when you stumble onto them, they are few and far between.

kayysamm's avatar

You alrightly give Dave his shot. He did soemthign that messed it up and caused you two not to be together. Obviously if you say Mike treats your amazing and iit’s a healthly relationship, stay with him. You may just need soemthign different and Mike may be the different thing you need.

Don’t write off Mike completely just because an ex boyfriend has come around. He is an ex-boyfriend for a reason. Let him stay like that and let Mike treat you the right way.

gailcalled's avatar

@all; Good answers, but the question was asked early last Nov. Note the time stamp. I hope that @aeterna has resolved this issue by now.

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