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ninetails's avatar

How do i get over psychological trust blocks that i've developed from past relationships where i've had my heart broken?

Asked by ninetails (51points) November 9th, 2008

I just broke up with my G/F for about the 6th or 7th time in the past year. i seem to get to a point where i feel that i’m afraid to “take it to the next level”, and them make up some kind of excuse to break up with her. i’m in therapy now to figure out why i keep on doing this. just a little backround, she is beautiful in my eyes, we have a very satisfying sex life, she understands me better than anyone i’ve ever dated.i guess my question is how do i let down these psyological defence guards that i have inside me so that i can “take it to the next level”?

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14 Answers

Bioplasmic's avatar

Try treating your Girlfriend the way you would like to be treated or even Cherished?

cdwccrn's avatar

give your talk therapy time. It will help you figure out where the blocks came from and how go deal with them.
In the mean time, ask yourself how much pressure you are getting from your lady. If she loves you, she will be patient and not push so hard for the next step.
Finally, breaking up and reconciling 6 times in one year reflects an agonizing emotional yo-yo. It might be wise to give that relationship some extended time off. Maybe any serious relationship. You both need time to really heal and grow.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Working on the source of the problem with professional help is a really good start. Good communication with your SO is also important. It sounds like you really want this to work out. Are you doing any type of couples therapy as well? That in itself might be a good move towards commitment.

It’s interesting that in your post, the most important bit of background, you didn’t include in “background.” You began your post by saying that “you’ve broken up with her six or seven times this year. ” You do trust that she will take you back each time, and you do keep making up. And she’s willing to take you back each time. It seems to me that there is a lot of trust-both ways- in that dynamic.

I see by your profile that you’re 46 and have two sons. Relationships that are mid-life are different than those when you’re younger. For one thing, the baggage that you’re carrying is a lot heavier. You have things in those suitcases that you put in, that others put in or handed you to carry. Not everything in the suitcases should be jettisoned; there’s lots of good stuff in there. Therapy should help you unpack those bags, and help you realize that everything that’s in there that was handed to you by past relationships are in there because you are agreeing to keep carrying it. You are choosing to give people from past relationships permission to impact your future.

What exactly do you define the “next level” to be? Maybe you need more levels, with smaller space between them?

loser's avatar

Therapy is a good thing. Another cool way to get through those trust blocks is to go through them. Try hanging in there and see what happens. You might learn a lot more about youself that way. Good luck!

noraasnave's avatar

I read a book that addresses ‘blocks’ with dating. “All the good ones aren’t taken”. I learned that most dating ‘blocks’ point back to the dynamics of one’s relationship with one’s parents. A very easy read, well written to be accessible.

amurican's avatar

You might read “Pema Chodron”.

Trustinglife's avatar

You might ask yourself… “What do I really want?”

amurican's avatar

Take a screwdriver and put it up your nose as far as it will go. Using a medium size hammer tap the screwdriver unitil these instructions begin to blurrrr. When that happens, Youre just one tap away! Works for me.

amurican's avatar

Seriously though, Go to some beautiful preferably remote location where you wont be disturbed. Native Americans have used this natural remedy for centuries. If you can get fresh Payote so much the better. Remember to remove the hairy fibers in the middle as those are toxic. Do a citrus fast for a day or two prior to the Payote and your body will be less inclined to become nausious once the Payote starts taking affect. Slicing thin wedges slide them between your teeth and cheeks and let them be. Sip on citrus juice now and again while you meditate. Try to relax and allow annoying thoughts to melt away. Using a Montra can help with that. After a while the slices will become soggy. You may then chew them slowly and swallow. Then take 2 more slices and repeat. The effect of the Payote is subtle and you might not be aware of any change until you notice that you feel more centered. You will eventually be able to chew the slices immediatly. The first time it took me 7 Payote “buttons” as they are called until I knew that eating more was not necessary. You will feel very connected to the universe and very centered.Your vision qwest wont just end like halusinagenics do. Instead it will flush your brain of emtional baggage that will allow great insight to manifest. Certain myths you’ve had will melt away. Some never to return. You may be aware of this shift in conciousness for the rest of your life. If you can only get the dried ones, cut the fibers out and soak them in citrus until they plump and do as you would with the fresh ones. Payote has been used as sex enhancer by western culture and for that they are truly amazing. My recommendation is to avoid them for sex until you have used them first for mental alignment. Learn more on Google. Amongst natives the Hopi have been held in high regard and known for their Shamanic work with Peyote.

amurican's avatar

If the G8 leaders would do this prior to the conference the worlds cultures would align and poverty would stop.

TheFonz_is's avatar

try to think slightly different. How about not worrying about trust being broken, but concentrate and be proud of yourself that you know how to get back up from a fall. Everything in life is a lesson, if you a trust problem before im guessing because it was broken. You are now over that and have had other relationships, so your a stronger character because of it. Remeber that the next time you get a niggling of doubt. Also try to imagine what the other person is feeling, maybe they too have trust issues, ask yourself if the other person feels loved by you. Try walking in their shoes, you may find your trust issues are continuous circle led by the fact that the other person notices you being distant, doesnt feel loved as much as you thought and therefore gives you a reason for trust issues.

or go into a dark room, put the song “falling” by Staind on as loud as you can and close your eyes: link

already told you that falling is easy
It’s getting back up that becomes the problem
Becomes the problem
If you don’t believe you can find a way out
You’ve become the problem
Become the problem

Falling is easy
It’s getting back up that becomes the problem
Becomes the problem
And if you believe you can find a way out
Then you’ve solved the problem
You’ve solved your problem.

Courtesy of a mr Aaron Lewis.

alossforwords's avatar

So for you, therapy seems like a great start. An external perspective is more objective than self-medication or thinking your way through a problem alone. I have to applaud you for realizing that trust issues are a problem and for seeking to overcome rather than crawling in a hole and shutting the world out.
The next step would be application of the help you get. You have to practice the things you tell yourself that you are going to do to improve your life. Anything can sound good in theory, but the proof is in the pudding.
As for your girlfriend, she obviously has a reciprocal problem that she should deal with. She needs to stop forgiving you for your emotional short-comings. She is only doing you harm by allowing your behavior an environment in which to thrive. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me six or seven times and I am suffering from a form of insanity.
If you love her, you had better face the reality that you are destroying any chance at a healthy relationship every time you call it off and then on again. You may already be doomed to fail at this one. On the other hand, you can always turn your life around and fight for what you care about.

lady4life's avatar

step out of “fear” and into “love”..figure out why the blocks are there and than let go..rebirth
learn to trust yourself and your decisions

atlantis's avatar

Closure does not exist in my vocabulary. Just be spontaneous, like the first time you met, because that was the reason you came together. And don’t forget to relax and smell the roses.

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