General Question

adri027's avatar

Do you believe "once a cheater always a cheater"?

Asked by adri027 (1415points) November 14th, 2008 from iPhone

Have you ever been cheated on? If you don’t mind, tell me your story, what was the outcome, how did you deal with it and would you do it to get back at them?

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41 Answers

asmonet's avatar

Yes, I do believe that once you cheat there’s no going back, better luck on your next relationship. As far as I know I never have been, and I never have done it myself.

jrpowell's avatar

I have never caught anyone cheating on me. It could have happened. I don’t know.

And if I was cheated on I would probably just walk away and ignore them. I’m old so I don’t have to see them at the locker between homeroom and algebra. It makes life easier.

I am sure people can stop cheating. But if they already cheated on you and you think they won’t cheat on you again you are a fool.

serenityNOW's avatar

I’ve both cheated and have been cheated on. Either way, it’s horrible, and I’d like to think I’m better than that now. As for getting “back at them”, I think the best recourse is to mend your feelings and move on. Revenge, in my opinion is just going to prolong your misery. The ultimate insult, in this case would be to take your time and find someone you’ll be happy with. Cut off all ties, and move onward. But, hold your head up high, remember that it wasn’t your fault, no matter what those negative voices have to say to you and remember that you’re a unique person who deserves someone that is devoted to you.

MissAnthrope's avatar

I have never cheated.. Having been cheated on, I know all too well how crappy it feels. I just could never feel good about myself again if I did it.

My ex was sleeping with someone and bald-faced lying to me about it. I strongly suspected, but she continued to lie and say she wasn’t. It sucked.

Judi's avatar

I don’t get cheating. Why not just resolve the first relationship before moving on? How can people handle so much drama?

Nimis's avatar

Handle? I wish it were that simple.
Some people thrive off of drama.

wundayatta's avatar

I think that for older married folks, most people cheat out of desperation, not because they want to hurt their spouse. They don’t know how to “resolve” the relationship. They are caught between a rock and a hard place, and when they break, they are ashamed, and that’s why they hide it. Few do it for revenge. Most couldn’t tell you why the hell it happened. It’s not so easy as people make it out to be. Right and wrong are not that simple.

susanc's avatar

There weren’t any std’s when I was young. Everyone was running around with everyone else. Right and wrong didn’t enter into it. Confusion entered into it.

It was great that, even though there were other things wrong with my subsequent long marriage, cheating wasn’t one of them.

@Judi: The reason not to resolve a relationship before moving on is that you not you judi don’t grasp the principles of relationship in the first place. You think any problem resides in the other person. You get a new person. Then you don’t have to learn anything. Cool.

jlm11f's avatar

Also see this and this thread for more answers

stephen's avatar

depends on so many factors, but mostly its true i believe ,

hammer43's avatar

Yes I have been cheated on and I have ended the relationships, the trust is gone and without trust what do you have?

I have never cheated on anyone and never will because it doesn’t make sense to me, I feel if you are not happy with the person you are with break up, why cheat…

No I wouldn’t do it to get back at them, you are only hurting yourself by playing that game and the person you using to get back at them.

amurican's avatar

I’m willing to try anyone once, well almost anyone.

googlybear's avatar

Yes, I was cheated on and when I realized what was happening..I told her that since she had already made her decision to be with the “new guy” our relationship was over. Took it hard for a couple o’ days…moved on with my life…..found my wife of over 20 years…

hearkat's avatar

I haven’t cheated, but have been cheated on. I took him back and we were married a couple years later. He was an alcoholic with undiagnosed mental health issues, so the relationship did not succeed.

Which brings me to the point that cheating is usually a symptom of a deeper problem. I believe that if the “cheater” examines the reason for cheating and addresses the true problem, that they might never cheat again. But trust is a difficult thing to mend; so while the relationship they betrayed might not succeed, it is possible that they could have success in a future relationship.

People can and do change. But they have to really want it.

windex's avatar

I understand that we’re “just” human, and people make mistakes.

But, if you are a weak human being, then avoid being in those situations where you could make a bad call.

It’s that simple!

Allie's avatar

I don’t think I’ve ever been cheated on and I’ve never cheated on someone I was with, but I have been the person that someone cheated on their girlfriend with – the “other person.”

cdwccrn's avatar

I think in almost every case, once a person has cheated, they have shown they are capable of crossing an important threshold. It would take some real personal growth for that person to be trustworthy as far as cheating goes. Possible but not usually the case v

Adina1968's avatar

Once someone cheats on you they have shown a blatant disregard for your feelings. They do not respect you. They are a liar and a loser.

shadling21's avatar

There are people who repeatedly cheat. It’s like some kind of tick that they need to get out of their system. Unfortunately, it destroys relationships. I’d like to think that these “repeat offenders” are only going through a phase, that they’ll settle down in time. Sometimes, it seems so much a part of their character that they would have to change completely to stop cheating.

I do believe that people can and do learn from their mistakes, though. They may be tempted more easily due to past transgressions, but if they know the possible consequences of their actions and want to avoid that at all costs, they should be able to resist their desires.

adri027's avatar

shadling: someone with my point of view! Thank you..lurve

krazykesh17's avatar

yeah i have been cheated on for a bout a year and a half and it sucks i dont guys or girls can change cause they simple are self centered and do things on there own time if it ever happens then your a lucky one

krose1223's avatar

Yes and no.

I cheated on a boyfriend when I was a freshman in high school and it was very hard on me. I learned from that experience and I can say I will never cheat again.

I have been cheated on, many times, and for those guys I don’t think they will ever change. I gave my ex entirely too many chances and he could never keep it in his pants. He cheated on me in the worst situations with the worst possible people. He will always be a cheater.

I think it just depends on the person. Some people feel pain from causing pain and some only care about themselves.

girlofscience's avatar

My story of being cheated on in brief:

Seven months into my serious and passionate relationship with my ex, he got black-out drunk at a bar and slept with a fat pig.

He tried to break-up with me the next day out of guilt, but the break-up was so out of nowhere that I was completely confused and convinced him to remain in our relationship.

For the next 11 months, slowly but surely, he told me about what had happened. First, it was that he kissed someone else after he met me, but before we were dating. And so on.

11 months after the cheating occurred, he finally revealed the entire truth about what had happened that night.

More than anything, the lies he had told me in the 11-month period between the cheating and the revealing bothered me. It destroyed me that we had shared many intimate moments, during which I felt there were no barriers, no secrets.

Our relationship then deteriorated.


Oh, and to answer the questions, no, I don’t really believe that he will always be a cheater. His action was no less wrong, but it wasn’t malicious, and he sure felt bad about it. He is now married, and I highly, highly doubt he would ever cheat on his wife.

As for how I handled it?

The drawn-out lies drove me crazy. I wanted to forgive him, but I couldn’t, so instead, I spent the remaining six months of our relationship with grueling “how could you do this” laments. I made him write a long letter to the fat pig, explaining to her that he never wanted to sleep with her at all and that it was the biggest mistake of his life. We went to her work and hand delivered it. I sat and stared at her while she read the whole thing.

wundayatta's avatar

Wow, GOS. That’s pretty intense. It sounds like you blame the woman more that your ex. It makes me wonder who that letter was really to.

girlofscience's avatar

@daloon: Well, before writing that answer, I hadn’t thought about it in a long time, so I don’t really blame anyone anymore, but no, I definitely blamed him when I was dating him.

The purpose of the letter was to make the woman aware that I was aware of the act and that it was regretted on my ex’s behalf. I had a gigantic issue with feeling insulted by the fact that she probably was living thinking that he had wanted her and that I had no knowledge of it. So, the point of the letter was to correct that false impression.

wundayatta's avatar

@GOS: I wonder about the last part. If it was a drunken one-night stand, she may not even have remembered his name. I don’t see how she could think it was more than that, since, I presume, he didn’t communicate with her afterwards.

girlofscience's avatar

@daloon: She was friends with his sister, so she knew who he was. He had gone out with his sister that night. No, he did not communicate with her afterward, but she remained in contact with his sister and was aware of who he was, and, as relayed to her by his sister, that he was in a committed relationship when it occurred.

wundayatta's avatar

@GOS: I had an assistant a few years back who was tall and blonde and believed she was God’s gift to men. She would regale me with stories of how she’d walk into a bar and every man would turn and stare at her.

She drops by now and then to tell me her latest exploits with sexual drama. This time, it was at her workout club. It seems that she thought the doorman dude was pretty hot, and she took to working out near him, just to see him turn red as he couldn’t keep his eyes off her.

After a few days of this, he showed up with a woman, who seemed to be watching over him. My assistant said she deliberately went near them to use one of the machines. Apparantly, even with his girlfriend there, he couldn’t help looking.

My assistant’s comment about this was, “If she can’t keep her man from straying, she doesn’t deserve him.”

I don’t know how much this reflects the culture and morals of twenty-somethings these days, but it seems to me that I hear a lot things like this. There’s this idea of “hooking up” that seems to treat sex as something of the same order as a walk in the park. “Sure. Why not?”

Your man was in a bar. You weren’t there. Maybe she figured if you weren’t marking your property, it was hers. I think one can do this out of a bit of maliciousness, or even jealousy (that the person is part of a couple). I doubt if she thought he thought much of her. It seems like it could have been a “hook-up” kind of thing.

girlofscience's avatar

@daloon: ???

It obviously was a hook-up kind of thing… Clearly, there was nothing more going on there, but it doesn’t make it ok! That is still cheating!

I was simply telling my story of being cheated on five years ago. Considering I was 17–19 during that relationship, I’m not sure why my near-23-year-old self needs to justify the actions and feelings experienced during my first relationship. I was just sharing the story. I don’t care about it anymore at all.

A_Beaverhausen's avatar

YES YES YES. dont let them tell you otherwise.

beccalynnx's avatar

i have never cheated on any one and my fiance has never cheated on me.

he was a complete manwhore all throughout middleschool and most of highschool. he was a complete mess though. drugs, drinking, stealing, lying, the whole nine yards.

honestly, i still do get a little uncomfortable with all of this sometimes. not because i don’t trust him, but because i don’t always trust the others that know him. he’s pretty well known for what he’s done, and a lot of people try to take advantage of him a lot. and it’s pretty low, but i trust him, and i beleive he won’t ever cheat on me. ever.

tessa's avatar

I’ve never cheated, but I have been the other girl, which is just as bad if you ask me. Something I have learned from being the other girl for a year with the same guy is 1) you can love two people at the same time 2) in his case he cheated because he did it when he was young and dumb and realized he could get away with it, so he kept doing it through the years. and lets face it, forbidden sex is amazing. So, it becomes addictive and you want more and more. But in the end, who wants to build a relationship on the ruins of another? This guy was a cheater, through and through. Though I hope his experience with me (loving two people is not an easy thing to deal with – and I was his first in that respect) has helped him get over his addiction to cheating. Falling in love was a consequence to cheating he hadn’t expected.

And I know other guys who have cheated, and it was absolutely a one time I was stupid type of thing. A very different story from the guy above.

Cheaters like everyone else cannot be put into one box.

rh11cp's avatar

its either the person learned their lesson when they cheated on yu, or they dont. and when they dont learn their lesson, karma is going to come back to them and bite them in the ass haha. and if they learned their lesson and aplogized and promised and commited to staying with yu and being with no one else but yu, then yu can trust them enough with what they say. and it can all work out. the key thing in a relationship is trust. without trust, yu have nothing.

Nicole18's avatar

I think when a guy/or girl cheats on you, in the back of your mind you will think “if there going out with their friends their probably just saying that so they can screw someone”.

I have a friend who has cheated and they told me the reason they cheat is becasue their bored of the relationship. it doesn’t matter if they were in the relationship for two weeks or two years. they get bored really fast.

So personally i think if a person cheats that they probably will never change.

P.S if they cheated when they were black out drunk like @girlofscience was saying. i think they might have a chance they will never cheat again.

ram201pa's avatar

Yes, once a cheater, always a cheater.

jackfright's avatar

technically, yes. once you’ve stolen something, you’re technically a thief, aren’t you? regardless of whether you do it again.

i’ve cheated on one or two of my exs, and i’m fairly certain my current girl may be cheating on me now.

go with the flow i say. i’m too busy to delve into my girls life and as she’s a model, i’ve seen guys hit on her right infront of me, so i wouldn’t be too surprised. that said, even if it were to be the case, im pretty much fine with it. i’m not looking for marriage, and it’s just a matter of returns for the amount of energy/resources i’ve invested in her. besides, there is more than 1 person of the opposite sex on the planet.

Kayak8's avatar

What’s that old wisdom . . . If they’ll cheat with you, they will cheat on you . . .

In the current environment with HIV and other pretty ghastly STDs, cheating has just upped the ante. It is tempting to get stuck on the emotional side of it, but there can be some very real physical consequences as well.

Haleth's avatar

I’ve been friends with people who cheated more than once. Young people who cheat seem to love a lot of drama and excitement in their lives… it’s a sign of immaturity. If you’re young and not married, why stay in the current relationship? I can understand cheating if you’re older and have a lot invested in your relationship or marriage, like owning a home or having kids together. If I ever found myself in that situation, where everything else was there except for the attraction, I would try to honestly pursue an open marriage.

Then again, people also have different definitions of cheating, whether it’s just a kiss or sleeping with someone. I’ve been cheated on once in the past, and it ended the relationship. The cheating itself wasn’t the issue, it was more a wake-up call about how unhappy we both were with each other. I don’t think once a cheater, always a cheater is always true. There are some chronic cheaters out there, but mostly it could just be a sign of issues in your relationship. Instead of placing blame on one person or each other, the best thing to do is decide if the relationship is worth repairing.

rh11cp's avatar

whoever is cheating just isnt ready to settle yet. they want to explore new things and try people out, and tey arent sure what they want in life yet. take me for example.. i cheated. doesnt mean im going to cheat all the time just because i did it once. im just not ready to commit to one person. and i wanted to have fun and go out and party and not worry about anything. thats why im single now. its so much more fun.
but in the end i know ill be in a relationship when im ready to, and i wont cheat.

AnonymousWoman's avatar

I have been cheated on and I didn’t leave him over it. He ended up breaking up with me twice later, though. We’re no longer together. Do I believe the line “once a cheater, always a cheater”? Not always. There are people who really have learned their lesson. If a person lies once and never lies again, does that make him or her a liar? If a person steals once and never steals again, does that make him or her a thief? Think about it.

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