General Question

TheBox193's avatar

What am I suppose to do about my parents?

Asked by TheBox193 (987points) November 16th, 2008

They fright…. and I’m running out of ideas.
-I’ve tried stepping in. (works temporarily (a day or so) or not at all)
-I’ve tried staying out. (Doesn’t help at all.)
-I’ve tried taking the blame for what ever he is accusing my mom of. (makes him mad at me… I don’t care, better than her)
-I’ve tried shoved it in my dad’s face that he is bull headed and is wrong when he’s wrong (lol that goes over good…)
-I’ve pretended to simultaneously behind the others back taken side with each of them…discovering what is it that they really are trying to say. (Semi works, because then I can talk to the other on how the other one feels, clever right? Sometimes it only ticks my father off more and gives him or ammunition)
-I’ve talked with my grandparents
-They’ve “tried” counseling (my father bloody rigged it… how do you like that? He won’t have anything to do with another one…. because he is in the ‘right’ ... I hate that bloody councilor)
My Dad:
I’ll start off with saying that it’s mainly my father. He doesn’t listen. It’s has to be his way. No one ever does anything right. They are to slow, to lazy, not listening, don’t care about him, don’t care about his feelings, don’t care about his stuff… the list goes on. He want’s a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to questions that require additional info.
He is a small business owner. It’s an intense job, requires lots of time and lots of effort. His brain has been trained to never stop. He has a hard time relaxing or sitting still.
He has broken things, wine classes, several walls, window, dented a car, drawers, thrown things…. I’m wondering if something chemically is wrong with his brain. Is that possible? He won’t have anything to do with get that checked.
My Mom:
I’ll admit she does make mistakes, sometimes rather irritating ones. Sometimes she doesn’t understand. Sometimes she doesn’t communicate well. Sometimes she sensitive.
My mom works at the same small business, she is VP and works on the books a lot of the time. This is where some of the sources of fights originate. She honestly never was taught how to do this kind of work, but has basically figured it out over the last 10 years.
She’s getting hurt, she’s blaming herself for all of it. He’s getting into her head, it’s all her fault. She tries to take the blame and suppress her feelings, but one can only hold so much of that in.
Plot: it always seems relatively the same. It’s normally my dad, but who knows who starts it, but someone has something on there mind they want to talk about. They start off in an (intended or not) accusing manner. Naturally the immediate response is to defend themselves. It goes back and forth with one running over the other till one of them gets ticked off enough. If it’s my mother she cries and yells, If it is my father he yells throws stuff. It seems like they are even I suppose, but it isn’t. 80% of the time it is my father yelling at my mother, she’s the one screwing something up, she’s the one messed up in the mind, she’s the one that is a fault, she’s the one that… It normally ends with my dad walking out and driving off leaving my mom in tears. occasionally when my mom gets the balls (lol right?) for it she’s the one standing up defending herself/accusing him.
—it’s starting to get physical after 4 intense years of intense yelling, although he apologized the next day… I’m worried
I’m running out of ideas, I can’t do it. I can’t take it. I’m having trouble comforting my mom any more. I’m to far away at college. My little brother (only child home) plays “I don’t hear anything”... I feel bad for him.
I feel that a divorce is in order. But I don’t want to admit it. They don’t want to admit it. I don’t want to admit it. It can’t be true they still do love each other, they can’t do that. I want to fix it, I know my mom want’s to fix it. I don’t know how, I don’t know what to do, we don’t know what to do. please don’t say this… What can I do?
It is my issue, I’m part of the family, they are my parents

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50 Answers

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

@TheBox193, You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Get counselling for yourself at school if you aren’t already doing so. Encourage your brother to get counselling, as there is a likelihood that he will emulate your father’s behavior, even if he doesn’t think he will.

If you’re having problems comforting your mom, don’t. It’s enabling the situation. speaking from personal experience here As hard as it sounds, your mother has to own the responsibility for making her situation better. You cannot fix your parent’s marriage, because you are not a party to the marriage. You’re a family member, but you are not part of the marriage dynamic.

fireside's avatar

Honestly, once your little brother moves out, they may end up getting a divorce anyways.

My parents argued a lot when I was growing up over the business they were running together. It never really changed until the business was shut down. Then they had less to be on each other’s case about.

Your parents may be holding on trying to make the business work, they may be sticking it out for your little brother.

It’s clear that they are no longer compatible enough to communicate with each other, but getting out of a marriage with kids is just another huge hurtle. Especially if they are already struggling with the business.

I completely agree with Alfreda. You won’t be able to resolve this situation.

mea05key's avatar

All i can say is don’t ever give up on your parents. I had almost the same problem with you. Mom is very sensitive and dad always has to swallow the attitude. Dad is not a good communicator, i know he cares but he does not know how to express it. Mom some times get frustrated and start throwing things over small sensitive issues. I was a coward back then i did not take any innitiative to mend things. Fortunately things start to slow down when i was in mid high school. Somehow after typing this, i feel that i know where some of my problems originated. THanks for sharing your story.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Or it could be that this has become their communication pattern.

fireside's avatar

Well, it seems to be escalating towards the physical.
So even if it is there communication pattern, there is an incompatibility.

bythebay's avatar

IMHO, I’m not saying it’s not your business but I am saying it’s not your marriage. Marriage is an intense, personal, gratifying and debilitating state. You cannot ever presume to totally understand what the mechanics are of your parents situation. Yes, you know your parents as well as anyone, however, because they are adults and because you are their child you would be right to presume there is an entire lifetime of words and actions between them you cannot, would not, and should not know. By all means express to them your sadness at their lack of communication and set a good example for them. But be very clear on the fact that you cannot “change” them; that can only be done by them if they are indeed willing to change. Make a promise to yourself not to folow in their footsteps. I must say though, it appears they did a fine job of raising an astue, caring and compassionate child (you!).

wundayatta's avatar

Sometimes, the best you can do is to let them know what it’s doing to you. “Mom, Dad, when you fight, it scares me, and makes it hard for me to concentrate, and I’m afraid you’re going to hurt each other and worst, hurt my brother.”

Obviously, you say this in your own words, and describe what you are actually feeling. Then, it’s up to them as to whether they want to care about you enough to fix their own problems. It can help to get counselling, focused on what you can do.

Vincentt's avatar

You probably won’t like to hear this, won’t like to do this, and perhaps not even be able to do this, but I’ll make the suggestion anyway.

Ask them whether they shouldn’t be divorcing.

It sounds like a divorce could bring rest and calm to all of you – my parents are divorced, and, though I can’t remember much of the time before they were divorced, I know life would be terrible if they’d still be married.

However, what I’d be hoping for was that just saying this aloud makes your parents realize that this marriage isn’t working this way, and something needs to be done, where divorce would, obviously, be the last resort. Perhaps they’d be more open to councelling, and realize that there’s two in a fight.

A holiday might also work wonders. Perhaps they could go somewhere for, say, a week, just the two of them. Business is important, but their, and especially yours and your brother’s, wellbeing is even more important.

basp's avatar

You can not change their behavior. You can only change your own behavior.
I agree with the person that suggested counseling for you and your brother.
Should physical abuse occur, I would notify authorities.

tocutetolive90's avatar

If you figure something that works. Let me know. Cause my dad is the same way. Everything you said is my dad.

Darwin's avatar

Quite possibly your dad is bipolar or has some other emotional disorder. Quite possibly your mom has emotional problems of her own that make her co-dependent or insecure. However, as adults your parents need to decide to do something about it themselves. As has been said way too many times, you can lead a horse to water…(or if you prefer, the light bulb has to change itself).

As others have said, the best thing is for you to get counseling so that you don’t develop scars from the situation and so that you have help developing a plan of action. The plan may be to stay out of the situation, or to formulate a non-accusatory statement that lets them know the damage they are doing to others, or it may be something else entirely. You can also encourage your brother to do the same.

If any fights escalate to physical injury, call the cops. Sometimes that is the trigger needed to make folks realize what they are doing. Sometimes not.

Good luck, and remember that you can control you if you choose to, but you cannot control them.

TheBox193's avatar

from the box’s sister

first i am shocked that he even wrote an article about it, however i disagree with a few things. I would argue that dad does have a chemical imbalance. Henry, my dad’s deceased father- the box and I’s grandpa- was found to be bipolar in his last few months of living. Dad has always had mood swings. When I was 8 almost 9, my grandpa passed away leaving the business all on my dad with no one to go to for help. The 3 top employees at that time all were missing from the office making it even more stressful. This is when my mom stepped in as administration in the office. For only ever having business classes in high school, I think everyone can agree she did an awesome job of holding down the fort while dad was gone. This is when my mom entered the business, she has never left, even though she wanted to…
After that things got worse, dad’s bipolar nature seems to get worse ever year. Mom was telling me the other night that she noticed dad taking up some of grandpa’s qualities (and by default bipolar things) after grandpa died. My mom thought the outbursts and depressing moods would stop given time, but they haven’t.

so now we already know has an emotional dependence need. Even with knowing that she has a hard time being happy when others are not, my dad didnt help mom with it. He just uses it like it was another ace in his deck.

idk. if anyone is turning into dad, i think its the box sometimes. our younger brother is a rock- he stays strong against the winds of fights- but i worry about him too. I want him out of the house where he cant see the fights anymore. Also, there is so much to loose if they divorce. I’m planning on going into the business, but what will come of it if they divorce? And if they divorced right now, what about Christmas and where would Sparky- a nickname i call my younger brother- live? there just seems too be too much riding on them staying together…even if Im sick and tired of all the crap and want them to divorce before it gets even worse…

Sry if things arent grammatically incorrect. Funny how Darwin got the emotional and bipolar out of all that the box said….

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

@Box and Box’s Sister- Based upon the clarification, the question posed is, what do you do if you think one of your parents might be bipolar and needs help, but won’t get it? This has nothing to do with the business, your mom’s ability to run it, being away at school, supporting your mom.

It sounds like the stress is coming from the illness, which has to be exacerbated by the economy, etc.

augustlan's avatar

TheBox (and sister), I am so sorry you and your brother are in this situation. Please concentrate on helping yourself (and your brother, if you can) through counseling. Since you are away at college, I’d be interested to hear how you know about all these fights. Is your brother telling you, or your parents? Generally, parents should not be leaning on their children, or informing them of all the fights they are having. By being ‘involved’ in their situation, you are enableing then to ‘continue’ the fight beyond it’s original sphere. You are an inappropriate outlet for them to use this way. You may need to take a step back from their fighting, and say “Unless there is physical abuse, I don’t want to hear about it.” At this time in your life, your focus should be on your schooling, not which parent you should side with.

If your father truly does have a chemical imbalance, the only way to ‘fix’ it is through medication and counseling. Only he can decide to do that for himself. Your mom’s part of the situation is that of a co-dependent. She should get counseling for herself, even if he won’t.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

I agree with augustlan, you, your brother and your mom need to talk first with your family doctor about what you are seeing in your dad, so he’s aware of it, and then get a referral to appropriate counseling.

TheBox193's avatar

the sister again
I dont know how the box is hearing about it, but my mum calls me in tears a lot. This last time she talked to me for 2 hours. I had to apologize to my roommate for talking to her until 3:30 am…even if my roomie was still up. My mom constantly tells me that its bad that she vents on me, but Im still willing to be the listening ear, theres no one else who knows whats going on. I cant hang up on her when she is so upset. Furthermore, she has been getting counseling for a little over a year now, which has helped, but once again is used against her. My dad says the fact that she is in counseling is proof that she is the screwed up one, not him.

My dad hates doctors, so he doesn’t have a regular doctor. I think in order for it to get better dad needs help. sigh sadly, that is something out of my control.

Lastly, I disagree. I think the fights do have to do with the business. Thats where the majority of fights come from. My mom cant handle it and my dad gets frustrated. Their whole lives revolve around that business. The business just slowly took over on the priority list. Ill stop there, though I wonder what the box’s perspective is on that, hm.

TheBox193's avatar

the sis again
oh and, I know a guy who was a medicated bipolar, and he got better. He worked hard at it, but he succeeded. So I am not giving up hope on my dad, I think its possible to get better.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

@ the sister, but even if your mom removed herself from the business, the problem is still there. So it’s not really about the business. The business is the catalyst and exacerbates the situation.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

What would happen if your mom quit? 10 years, she has given herself skills that would transfer elsewhere.

bythebay's avatar

With regard to being bipolar: there is an enormous difference between “getting over it” and “getting better”.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Speaking from personal experience, situations only become more manageable when the parties who are “the victims” of a situation, determine what they can control, take ownership of those events and refuse to give of control of those little corners. We often give other people permission to get a certain type of reaction out of us.

So what would help your mom? Not being with your dad 24/7 for one, having a place to go where she is valued for herself and her contribution, where she is not your father’s wife and therefore linked to him, and not being entirely financially dependent on him.

galileogirl's avatar

Box & Sis: maybe someone should talk to mom about taking an accounting class at community college. This way she will be able to deal with the business responsibilities and that may ramp down the fighting a little. If it doesn’t, at least she will have a saleable skill and can support herself when she decides to take responsibility for herself.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Your mom’s whole life is being with your father all the time. That, given the circumstances, could be smothering her. It makes everything much worse, because she has no place to retreat to where she can get away from him and be herself. He’s both boss and husband. She’s employee and wife. Perhaps if she quit one of the two, things would become more manageable in the long run, because your dad would not have total control over your mom.

TheBox193's avatar

maybe. but hes boss no matter where he is, so maybe it wont matter.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

That’s not the point. She gets a different job, she has different people to talk to, the person who decides whether or not she’s doing a good job is someone else, she meets people and works with people where she’s not the owner’s wife.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Your father pays someone not related to him to run the books, and he has to be on better behavior, it’s a different perspective. I’m not kidding the difference this can make. I used to work with a company where the top sales person bought the company, became CEO, hired his wife, and the business and the marriage went downhill. He hired a management consultant, who said fire your wife, go back to being head of sales, hire a CEO. Things improved dramatically.

TheBox193's avatar

idk, i can see how it might help mum, but idk about dad because he has been taking his frustration out on his employees too. yelling at em, he is being overly critical.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

I wonder if it would help to see himself on videotape?

Maybe your dad wanted to do something else other than run the family business?

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

There’s not one answer to the whole situation. Like the adage, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” Take the situation and separate it out into little pieces on paper: Whats good for mom/dad/family/business. Identify all the parts to what’s going on. It’s not all one thing.

TheBox193's avatar

still the sister
the box recorded them a few times…i hate that. i hate that it is on record somewhere. But yea…maybe, but Im afraid to even try it. maybe the box will have more guts, but I am afraid that will just make dad even more angry.

and dad bought the business from grandpa and more than once he has told us how he loves to work and help people out. it makes sense, i think he loves his business, which is why he has pushed me, the box, and our younger brother into it…

TheBox193's avatar

yea, i understand that it is a couple things coming together to cause the fighting, but the real question is how do u solve any one of those pieces…

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

If your dad’s in his late 40’s early 50’s, he could be going through male menopause or a midlife crisis that is making the bipolar thing worse, coupled with the economy.

Maybe that’s the key, the business. What if you take it from the perspective of I love you, love the business, but from what I see, I’m not so sure I can work for you, and if you weren’t my father, I don’t think you would want me working for a boss who______. And take it from that direction. But you can’t do this in the middle of an argument about something else. And your father wouldn’t want you working for a competitor. His feeling are going to be hurt, but that’s not to say you would work elsewhere, but he is setting up a situation where that would be really appealing. The fact that you would inherit it is not a factor. If he keeps on the way he is, there will be nothing to inherit because of ill-will. Employees who are mistreated and made to feel valueless by having a boss who is abusive can do so much damage to a business.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

You don’t fix them all at once. You fix in small pieces. It’s like “clean your room” is really hang up clothes, put things in the hamper, take dishes to the kitchen, change the sheets and make the bed, vaccuum, dust, etc.

TheBox193's avatar

sis yea. i understand. thank you for ur input. and now, i think im going to take a break from this somewhat depressing subject. once again, thank you.
and i wonder what the box will say…

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Good luck, it’s a tough place and not a lot of quick fixes to it. But it sounds like you have great siblings, and are cohesive.

wundayatta's avatar

I have a different perspective. If it’s bipolar, then it becomes very tricky. First, you mother should understand that it will not go away. It might go up and down, but the downs gradually will take up more and more of the time, and then, if he refuses care, he’ll get 302ed. That is, he’ll start doing something violent to someone else, or to himself, and he’ll get involuntarily hospitalized.

Before that, though, he will get increasingly erratic. He will yell even more at everyone. Those closest to him will take the brunt of this.

Here’s the very important thing to remember: he does not want to be doing this. He just doesn’t have enough control left over his impulses. The brain chemistry is causing his reactions to speed up, and things irritate him no end.

My son is 8. He plays piano, and I help him every night. Over time, I started to get more and more irritated at him. He seemed to be faking it, and just not trying. It was so frustrating, and I, who never yell, started flipping out, and yelling at him. I got so upset, that I had to leave the house, because I knew I would be hurting someone next. I had no desire to do that. I also had no idea I had changed.

I feel pretty sure your Dad doesn’t want to be yelling at anyone. He certainly doesn’t enjoy feeling like everyone is doing a bad job. He can’t understand it. Why did everyone start getting so slow and stupid over time? Why are they being so annoying all the time?

Ok, here’s a sobering statistic. I think I read it in one of the bipolar books I have. I don’t know if I believe it, but even if it is double the actual rate, it’s scary. If he has bipolar, there’s a 10% chance he won’t survive it. Do you understand? One out of ten people with bipolar kill themselves!

When I found that out, that sobered me up right quick. I didn’t want to die. I started taking my psychiatrist’s advice very seriously. I have been taking medicine since January, and I have only missed two nights. We solved the timing issue by getting extended release lithium, and I take it in the morning with all my other meds.

Now he hates thinking there’s something wrong with him. I did, too. My idea of mental illness before I got sick was that it’s a kind of mental laziness. I guess you don’t know until you experience it. I was a different person, and I didn’t even know it. Well, I knew it, but I couldn’t figure out what was going on.

I never would have gotten diagnosed on my own. I would have resisted until I killed myself. When I got depressed, I knew I wasn’t worth taking care of. My wife saved me. She made the appointment. She kept dealing with things that I couldn’t deal with. She made me go.

Sometimes I see people urging those being hurt by bipolar folk to put as much distance as they can as fast as they can between them. People advise taking care of yourself first, and letting the sick person get care when they decide to get care.

I think that is very dangerous approach. The sick person will feel abandoned, and could decide nothing is worth it any more, and kill themselves. I also think it is a very harsh and ineffective approach. If your Dad is sick, and it seems like there is reason to believe he could be, then he needs love, and support to get him to a psychiatrist or a doctor. Find a psychiatrist that wants to see both spouses, or the spouse should call and talk to them separately. This is because he might tell all the things he is doing. Then again, there may also be things he is doing that no one knows about.

This is such a tricky situation. I only know my experience, and not everyone is the same, although it is amazing how many bipolar folks experience such similar things. I wish you the best!

TheBox193's avatar

how does one get a bipolar ish person, who thinks they r fine and hates doctors, to see one?

furthermore, another piece of evidence that makes me think its bipolar is that the other day dad was saying stuff like, “I dont know if I should keep going or just kill myself, It hardly seems worth it anymore…” and stuff like that.
i told my mum that if she decided to leave, she needs to make sure dad is getting help first. oh and other was that for a while my dad was getting antidepressant medicines that helped for a while except they made him overly tired. plus, as i hear is the case with many mental disorders, while medicated my dad was feeling normal, so he no longer felt like he needed it.
and once again, his father had a bit of bipolar in him too, so it could be hereditary?
so, this is what makes me think its bipolar. He is either extremely happy or extremely down and everything is wrong…
but once again, how do you get a person like that to at the very least see a doctor?

wundayatta's avatar

Bipolar is hereditary.

Do you know which antidepressants he took? If bipolar is missed by a phsycian, they can prescribe an antidepressant without giving a mood stabilizer (like lithium, depakote or lemictal). What that does is it let’s the mania go wild, while only treating the depression. Did he get more manic under the antidepressants?

Yes, bipolar people often stop taking meds when they feel better. Usually this is because no one tells them how bad this is. Bipolar is a longterm condition, and you need to stay on your meds if you want to stay well.

Seeing the doctor? I think your best chance is to keep on educating him about this, and urging him to see a psychiatrist. He may be worried about stigma. It’s a real concern, but none of his customers has to know. He can be treated on an outpatient basis, and still keep working (I did that).

If he feels like it turns him into a failure to have to rely on drugs instead of handling it himself, let him know you don’t think so. In fact, you think he’s being brave and smart to get help. He won’t believe you, or he’ll say he doesn’t believe you, but believe that, inside, he appreciates it.

People were telling me I was valuable, and did good things, and was loveable, and I denied it all. I found all kinds of reasons why nothing good about me is true. Even so, it meant something that people kept saying it.

Stay strong. If he tries to tell you you’re awful or don’t mean anything to him, or he doesn’t deserve you—that’s all the illness. He may scream at you, or even go so far as to hit you. Know that inside he doesn’t want to be doing this. He’s just desperately depressed, or desperately manic.

His decision-making capabilities are severely impaired. If manic, he may spend all kinds of money on dubious business ventures, and take gambles he never would otherwise.

Stay strong. Stay on message. Don’t hear the awful things he says. Don’t get angrey. Don’t be condescending, either. He’s a smart guy. Everything you do, you explain the logic and science behind it.

You will get through eventually, I believe. Hopefully sooner, rather than later. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Your father is lucky to have children like you who care so deeply.

ack! Yet another long answer. Sorry to make you wade through so much.

basp's avatar

Box and sis
The question was asked how to get your dad to a doctor when he won’t go.. .
Next time he goes off and especially if the event could be physically harmful to him or others, call the authorities. They will have to do an evaluation and in some areas there would be a mandatory 72 hour hospital stay for further evaluation.

Darwin's avatar

@Box and Box’s Sister – just so you know, the reason why I picked up on the bipolar and emotional stuff is that I live with a bipolar son. I also have other relatives with emotional problems, bipolar disorder, and other difficulties such as extreme ADD.

My son’s bipolarity swings from depression to anger, so he is either finding fault with himself (and has attempted suicide twice already altho. he is only 14) or with the rest of the world, particularly me because I am the one who makes him take his meds. He is not unintelligent but like many bipolar folks feels such a surge of energy during the manic phase that he hates to tamp it down chemically. Then during his depressive stage he figures, why bother?

And you never “get over” being bipolar. You can get better but you a) have to really want to, and b) take the correct medications for you and take them religiously.

If your dad is bipolar (and yes, genetics are a factor) then he is the only one who can fix himself. What family members can do for him is keep themselves healthy and sane, and investigate doctors and treatment options before he ever asks so if some day he does ask for help you are ready.

Actually, the suggestion that your dad hire a bookkeeper and let your mom work for someone else is an excellent one. It will help your mom immensely because it will give her a place and time away from the pressure cooker. It may help your dad because he will not be able to carry his anger outside the workplace as easily and because there is often a “honeymoon effect” where it takes time for a new person to become a target.

Also, if he does become violent, calling the authorities can be an option, but it is one that needs to be exercised very carefully because it can backfire and make him even angrier. I suggest that you and other family members look into support groups for families of folks with anger problems or talk to a counselor that you trust in order to formulate a plan of action. I have a psychologist that I talk to, and I take an antidepressant to keep me functional in the face of the chaos that is my son.

Good luck with it all, and listen to daloon – he knows whereof he speaks.

cdwccrn's avatar

first, box, know that your friends here will hold you in our thoughts and hearts.
I have a couple of thoughts to add:

Your mother is triangulating you. By calling in the night, to village, crying, and talking for two hours, she is pulling you in the middle, and treating you as adult , rather than her offspring.
You may need to kindly, put firmly and consistently, declare and protect your boundaries.
The marital problems belong to the parents and they are only theirs to fix.
I would be clear with the both of them that it is your moral duty to notify authorities if and when the climate in the home deteriorates to violence. Maybe it will take the legal system to force Dad to get the help he needs.
Right now, your job is the finish growing into a caring adult, and do your best to support the sibling still at home. They, too, need permission to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. That is the only way you each will reach maturity intact.
Again, I am do sorry you face these family difficulties. There is not much more unstabilzing for a child than to watch their parents fight. Hang in there.

TheBox193's avatar

@AlfredPrufrock and @basp Couceling for me and my siblings is an intersting idea, i will think about it, I don’t really know how that works so I’ll have to look into it. I really feel that my mom is 80% the victome. She is fragel and I’m trying to keep her glass heart together.
@fireside My brother will be moving out in 3 years (sophmore in HS), I don’t know if a resolution can wait that long. You are right, they are holding on the the business for either me, my sister, or my brother. I am the one that my dad thinks is most likly to take it over, despite that i’m not that interested.
@mea05key Thank you for your story, maybe there is hope just like your parents. I won’t give up on my them.
@bythebay I admit I don’t understand it all, nor will I. Trust me, I have no inention whatsoever to follow in thier foot steps, I promise. Honestly they did do a good job raising me, and I forever am grateful for that.
@daloon Good idea, I will think about saying something like that. Counselling didn’t work the first time, it was rigged to my dad being 100% “right”. He’s not willing to try it again.
@Vincentt My mom has talked to me about her fear of a divorce. I don’t believe I’ve heard my dad even say the word. I’m afrad that speak the word he would take off with it like it were fire and it would happen.
@tocutetolive90 I’ll keep in touch, This all is probably good help for you too. I feel your pain/frustration.
@Darwin Yes we have thought about the bipolar thing. I think you really hit several things right on the nail. I’ve secretly have called the cops before. Only for help, I didn’t have squad come out. Nothing was physical that time
@my sister I have no idea how you logged in as me… it’s kinda freaky… Nevertheless Hi waves. Sorry everyone that I didn’t mention her. There are three children me (male), my sister (year younger), and my brother (4 years younger) nevertheless….
@my sister Good background information, some that I didn’t even know. Trust me, I don’t want to be like him, if it is in the family I will control it. I bloody don’t want to hurt anyone. I would rather be dead that hurt anyone. PLEASE NO! Yes, allot is depending on them being together, and that might be the pressure keeping them together as @fireside said.
@augustlan sadly, yes, my mom is the one that is relying on us. She also contacts her mother allot. I don’t know what or how much they talk about it. Occasionally my dad will mention the fights or how frustrated he is with X with my mother/others. I’m afraid my mother will shatter if I “step back”.
@my sister Again, I don’t know how you logged in as me, freakn’ me out. Did I leave myself logged in on your computer? I bet that’s it. The business is the source most of the time. Thankfully recently my dad has semi-kicked her out. She’s insulted, but I asked her “isn’t this what you have been trying to do for 5 years or more? to get out? take that opportunity and run with it.”
@alfredaPrufrock I still think it will help allot she gets out. The business is the kindling for the fire. If there is less to burn, there is less to burn. Read the previous response to my sister…it’s kinda related. I think my mom should go start horse back riding again, she enjoyed it so much. She talks about it so much. My dad also needs something, nothing comes to mind. He loves the boat, maybe he should live on it 1/2 the time… actually might be a bad idea, but he would love it. It might lead the beginning of separation however.
@galileogirl LOl, why didn’t I ever think of accounting classes? I’ll talk to her about that, she might do that.
@AlfredPrufrock My mom has done the research do get someone else to do the books, we’ve tried, doesn’t happen because he doesn’t “trust” anyone else….. no isn’t that ironic. I love irony…
I have indeed recorded selected material when I can. I have thought about playing it back for them… idk if it’s a good idea. I would not doubt that my dad wanted to do something else. Idk what it would be really. I know I would feel tied down if I were in his situation… that’s why I’m hesitant to take it over one day. There is other things i would prefer to do.
@sis agree with statements about dad and us being pushed into business…
@daloon I believe you, I bet he doesn’t want to be this way, doesn’t want to react this way. It’s really cool listening to you, thank you. I hope my father is as good as you. I have no idea how we can ever get him to come to the same realization that you did. You have done the right thing. I feel a deep connection with you, hoping that my father can be as wise as you, He is a wise man, he is really smart, I just hope he can realize and admit something might be wrong.

Longer the answer the better…

Lol at the spending thing…. yeah he has taken to collecting random expensive things, it’s a ‘good’ investment. I don’t doubt it, but funny how that works.

“Stay strong. Stay on message. Don’t hear the awful things he says. Don’t get angry. Don’t be condescending, either. He’s a smart guy. Everything you do, you explain the logic and science behind it.”
@Darwin Best of wishes for you and your son. Thank you again
@cdwccm Hangin’ in…
sigh Thank you all… thank you….

TheBox193's avatar

the sister waves back ^_^

idk if u ever logged in on my laptoptop.
sigh mum called again. I didnt ask her to stop calling me about it…but it was on my mind. however, i did mention to her the bipolar thing.

and to daloon, no i do not know what antidepressants he took, my mum would know though.

and from me too, thanks to all.

babygalll's avatar

WOW! That’s the longest question I’ve seen!

TheBox193's avatar

lol, thank you. I didn’t know how to ask the question without all the addition information. Sadly there was even more detail that I could have added but I figured what I had written would be suffice.

Judi's avatar

Their relationship problem is just that theirs. I am so sorry that you and your brother are in the middle of it, but It’s their garbage to deal with. You are blessed that you are away at college. I just feel for yur little brother that he has to live in the middle of it all. How old is he?

Jack79's avatar

well, pretty serious stuff, and it seems you’ve been doing pretty well under the circumstances, so keep it up.

For me the root of all evil is the fact that they work together. They shouldn’t have done that in the first place. It’s bad enough for your dad to bring his problems home, but imagine how much worse it is when he also takes his wife to work and she becomes part of the problem. Family members working in the same business is about as healthy for family life as juggling chainsaws is for your fingers. Yes, there are people who juggle chainsaws. And yes, I survived 4 years at my sister’s business, but that’s simply because I accepted she was the boss and acted like any other employee.

So basically, the only hope for a solution is if your mum quits her job RIGHT NOW and either stays home or gets a new job somewhere else. And your dad needs some sort of hobby to relieve his stress and not bring it home. A holiday might do them good too. I assume the finances are not too good at the moment, but maybe you’re old enough to persuade them that there are more important things than money.

CMaz's avatar

Can you eat them? I hear they taste like chicken.

john65pennington's avatar

I am only just catching your question in 2010, so upfront, i hope that everyone is still alive in your family.

The very first problem is your mother working with your dad. they are seeing each other 24/7 and this has never worked in any other similiar situation i am familiar with. both need time from each other. a person that knocks holes in a wall needs psychological help. normal people do not do this. your mother has attempted to keep it all together for many years and that admirable of her. i am surprised she has not been a victim of domestic violence with your dad. you are away at college and thats good for your sanity. i know you have heard enough already and the person that really concerns me is your brother thats left behind. he may be pretending to ignore the yelling and screaming, but, he is not. each word spoken by your parents is sinking into his brain. one day, he will have had enough and his future will be uncertain. if nothing else comes out of your question, i am glad you are not still in that environment. you know and i know its a ticking bomb waiting to explode. you and your brother are victims of your parents verbal abuse. have you ever called the police on your parets? you have that right to do so. you and your brother have certain rights, by law. i know you are thinking of yourself, but now its time to think about your brother and protecting him. if your parents are acting like children, then its time for you to act like the adult in the family and take action the next time your brother has to listen to their verbal abuse. you can do this for his sake.

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