What would you do if you found out a person you were digging on had a kid?

Hoo boy… honestly for me kids is a deal breaker. I’m not interested in em at all. Based on your age and that alone, I would say you’d be best to keep things as friends. I know that sometimes men who have kids make their kids #1 in their relationship, so even if you were OK with giving the relationship a try, you might have to come to terms with not being his first priority. But really, you’re still a kid yourself, like you said don’t put yourself in a position where you have to worry about anything more than where to go out tonight :)

It depends on so many things. How much time does he spend with the kid? How much do you like kids? Have you met the girl? Did you get along with her? Are you in a hurry? If so, why?

If you like the guy, I’d stay with it. Who knows what will happen. Unless you have a compelling reason to get married next month, you have plenty of time to see how it goes. If you don’t like it, you can depart.

If you do get serious, and living together or marriage becomes an issue, they you will have to negotiate very carefully. You’ll need to think through the relationship: what your responsibilities will be, what your authority will be, and so much more. There are surely books about this.

Bottom line, if you like him, his kid is not a reason to break it off.

yeah, I was never adamant about having kids. I like them, or most of them at least, but as for having one of my own. . . .well I’m not too sure.

I think I’ll take a bit of both advices given. . . .I’ll keep seeing him as a friend, meet his kid, see how that goes, and if it escalates, well. . . .I guess I’ll figure it out then :/

I’m definitely in no rush of any sort, and am not trying to decide between another dude and him, or get married (anything of the sort). So I guess I’ll just have to see.

I’ll definitely have to ask him more about the whole situation with his kid though before it ever reaches relationship status though. . .

His highest priority should be his kid. If it she is not, then he isn’t someone I would personally be interested in anyway. 23 isn’t exactly young and dumb as far as conceiving a child. He was and is plenty old enough to own up to his responsibilities.

Should it be a dealbreaker? Nah. You aren’t even dating the guy. Just be friends and see where it goes….

As to you wanting kids or not….you are young. You may or may not change your mind. (I wasn’t keen on the idea of kids at your age either—). Don’t worry about being a stepmom or having a presence in the kid’s life just yet. You really shouldn’t be introduced to the kid until you guys are serious, should that even happen….

Another thought….the further you advance through your next decade, the more and more this is likely to happen. The more life we have lived, the more history we have….likely you will also start to encounter potentional suitors who have been divorced, etc. as well….

We really can’t decide if it is a deal breaker for you. I would feel a bit awkward, but if I really loved the guy I would find a way to accept it.

If you have to question then my guess is he’s not the one for you. A child is a big thing, but if you really have strong feelings for this guy, you should give things a try and see how it develops.

@wookie: btw, please don’t say “you know that whole story,” because (and you probably don’t mean it) personally, my mom was 15 and my dad was 18 when she had me. Then my dad left her (summer fling). Luckily she decided to put me up for adoption. Anyroad, wheb you say “that whole story” it is a bit hurtful, because it’s more than a story. it’s my (and other’s) life

Whatever you do figure it out before you get too deeply involved with him. I probably wouldn’t care if he had a child as long as he isn’t a deadbeat dad and he and the ex are still cool.

My boyfriend has a cat and trust me when I say it is often the same. (No, really, his attitude towards that cat is somewhere between ridiculous and amazing.) Anyway, it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me.

I had a friend once who thought she was pregnant. She already had two kids. She was single and contemplating abortion. She said, “Who would ever want to marry a woman who has 3 kids by 2 different men?” I had to look at her and say, “Well what am I?” I had recently been widowed and had my first daughter as a teenager before. I tell you, I was not single for long. There are plenty of people willing to date someone with kids! I was just luck I found the best one. (She wasn’t pregnant after all, by the way.)

@comedian: I’m very sorry, I totally didn’t mean it that way at all :( I take it back!! I didn’t realize what kind of connotation that would hold for others, and I’m sorry that it was hurtful for you (and whoever else feels the same way)

@wookie
Stay away from trouble, you are in for a nasty surprise (besides, you are 20, find someone who has your age, or at least close)

@wookielove I think you already know the answer to this one. You are not ready for a relationship with this guy, and the child is not going to go away, so the best you can hope for is friendship with him. If you are this concerned about the fact that he has a child that doesn’t even live with him, it’s best for you to bow out early to save heartache for both of you.

Keep your chin up. You’re young, and there will be plenty of other guys for you.

@ scamp: thanks for the sound advice. . . . .it’s good to be hearing all this, because I definitely know myself. . .and when I like someone I’m always trying to be optimistic. . . . and look on the bright side and hope things work out. But some things I just need to step back from, and it helps to have others to help nudge me in the right direction in situations like these.